Friday, July 29, 2016

The Neigbourly Love

I grew up in a "colony" in Delhi. For the uninitiated a colony in Delhi is a block, where the houses are tightly packed and the community values are really strong. We had moved into the colony about 40+ years back, and most of the neighbours are known to us since time immemorial.

I had been the poster child for most of the neighbours. Because, me being me, I used to go with my grandma to all the local temple functions and kirtans, and also the local aunties and their kitty parties (with both Dadi and Ma). Most of the "grandparent"- type figures in the colony were my grandparents' friends and loved my Dad and his siblings like their own (since of course they saw them grow up, attending their weddings, and also saw their kids grow up and attended our weddings as well!!! and we also of course attended the weddings and played with the smaller kids when we were growing up).

However, I never really thought that, all this neighbourly love will backfire on me!

So while I was unmarried, a lot of questions were thrown at my Dadi and Ma about when? Luckily, my Dadi was a very strong woman and she would shut her mates up by telling them that "Let he first get settle" and as chance would have it I got married at the "suitable age". That satisfied the world at large.
But now, the neighbourly love is back again. And unfortunately, my Dadi is no more, and even if she had been alive, this time she would have actually pursued the agenda of the neighbours too (like Ma is currently doing). The agenda is "Kids".
One of the neighbours stopped my Dad the other day (or so I have been told) and asked him "Are you Nana, yet?"
And the other one apparently told my Ma, that "How is it that she has gained so much of weight on her ass?.. how will she have a baby? and.. she has been married for so long... why don't you push her?"
I laughed it off when Ma told me all of this on phone. I was cringing on the inside and seething too.

It is hard to make people understand. Okay strike that off, WHY DO I NEED TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND?
Well, in all honesty, I never thought that I would be made answerable like this by all the neighbourly love. I had definitely thought that I was above this.. but as it happens in our society no one is above the societal norms. I also understand that this may be a way of my mother telling me to hurry up already.

The whole idea of having kids, and being responsible for a tiny little life is daunting. And to be honest, I can't make the decision alone, and nor do I plan to raise them by myself. While I understand that my biological clock is like a ticking "time-bomb", I also know that this decision will bomb my relationship with the husband if it is a forced one.

The almost 30 years old me feels like I a 3 year old being reprimanded from everywhere. C'mon how fair is that?
Like I said, this adulting business is killing me. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Nodus Tollens

July has been particularly a cruel month. Yes, I am using the word cruel. Not tough, not exasperating but cruel.
The Husband turned 31 in the first week of July, and it was nothing short of shoddy from my side. From giving him no gift, to writing him a birthday note on a piece of my office stationery. It was bad. The only saving grace was that I cooked. And cooked my heart out in the past few weeks. From fancy iced cakes to desserts which looked absolutely awesome, I can cook baby.

The amount of adulting that has happened in the last 3.5 odd weeks is nothing short of adulting on steroids. I have been dealing with A.C guys non stop. And the amount of shouting that I have been doing because of the shoddy job that they are doing still makes my head spin.
I have been stuck in traffic jams both while travelling to and back from office, practically crying because I want to give up on this and on the other hand thanking my stars that my job is actually not bad considering the last three years.
I have been busy in office. Like SUPER busy.

For the first time since taxes have been filed for me (by my Dad) it seems that I shall be making a payment to the IT department. And so is the Husband. "Mera Desh Badh Raha hai..aage badh raha hai".
Taxes spell money, and well, if I have to spell it out for the world: Then we are some trouble, Mister. But because, "Halki Plulki si zindagi hai, bhojh to sirf khwaaishon ka hai" (Credit: Piyush Mishra); I will stop wrting about this right here.

The BFF had a baby boy. I was still recovering from her announcement, and then the Godbharai and the Baby Shower, and boom, her little prince just came. This is too close to home, It is not only her, but at least three other friends in the close circle who are having babies (in the next couple of months). All of them (including the BFF) were married a year or two after me. So, obviously, all I hear from my mother dear is "Are you ever going to have a baby?". I have in this steroidal phase of course learnt to let go, and stop registering the complaints any longer. Because, that is exhausting.

Talking about exhaution and friends, (I have just 1 friend per se), the rest are friends (Okay I have 5 friends.. who are my mainstay). Some only for benefits and with expectations and conditions attached with them. But because, we are social butterflies (or caterpillars or whatever the fuck!), I make the effort to stay in touch. To call, to message and of course to FB. How many times have I sat and wondered why should I make the effort. Why should I be the bigger person, only to realise (from their FB feeds) that the "friends" have their own social circles and they really don't care if we are in them or not because they have the others.
We on the other hand, hardly have any. And thus, we have to maintain our friendships. Not them.
It gets exhausting. If not uncomfortable for the person on who we are forcing the friendships.

And then I have "Altschmerz", the weariness with the same old issues that I have always had. The same boring flaws and anxieties that I have gnawing at.
Is the Husband Happy? What, did I do now? Oh fuck, Husband has diabetes.. and he wont listen to me. I am doomed. (You get the drift)

I am almost 30. And, I have no idea about where I am. We we are (as a family). I keep jumping about trying to do the right thing (whatever that is), and always trying to balance the scales. Sometimes I want to just give up on everything and cry in a corner about what the fuck is happening. And why the hell can I not get a control of things.
Hence, Nodus Tollens "The realization that the plot of my life doesn't make sense anymore"