Year End Saga - When Friends become Mothers

I have been away for a quite a while, which by no measure meant that I had forgotten about my beloved blog. On the contrary - I missed writing.
However, busy times, kept me away.

But, I can't end a year without really recounting the highlights of the year that has gone by. And as we close another year, here is my take on my year that has gone by!

***

One month after I moved back to Delhi (which was 2 years back), my BFF announced that she was pregnant. I was immensely happy for her. Extremely sad for myself. The bombs of, your best friend is having a baby and you are not was about to explode. I was prepared at that time because, I was not 30, we had just moved and we were still trying to find our feet.
2016 came and went. My BFF had the cutest baby boy, lets call him Baby G. He is 1.5 years old now, and the assaults (yes, I'll use that term!) have only increased.

That is because, most of my friends and even my cousins who got married a year and two later than what we did planned their families and all, I have done this year is brought too many baby gifts, and attended a humiliating baby shower, and then a subsequent celebration of the baby once that baby was born.
A certain cousin of mine, who got married in 2009 (I think); also had babies this year. She had twin boys! And she was my only salvation, and salvo to the attack of the "Why No baby" bomb.

But here is a realisation that I had after all these people had babies- That their lives just stopped there. Or maybe began again.. (perspectives). My BFF complains that we don't meet often. She does not understand the fact that I can't really "meet-meet" her when she is at home (either her home or her parents' home), because her focus is only on Baby G, who is at the age of clinging to his mother. When we do meet out, it is for power lunches (where I step out of my office, and she drops Baby G to her Mom's for baby sitting). If there is a lunch other than on office days, then every 15 minutes she is accessing the nanny cams for checking in on Baby G.

It is the same with all other new parents around me, they are consistently busy with their babies, the whatsapp and facebook updates revolves around their babies all the time. Trying to find a time to meet them is a task.
And just like that, I am pretty friendless in the 2 years that I have moved.

Babies have become quite a touchy topic around our families as well. With cousins popping babies, even family functions have become a disdain. It is painful to hear the drones of the "WHY NO BABY" of the elders and every other being there.

My Mother thought that we moved back to Delhi because we were planning a family. She has been the most disappointed of the lot. My FIL is always disappointed in us, so I can't say whether he is more disappointed about the "No Baby" situation, or about any thing else that we did not live upto.

Husband's family (extended one that is) have also not spared us.

Last year has been one landmine after the other. Its like playing minesweeper in real life. Not only avoiding the baby bombs, but then trying to make light of the situation, and diffusing it off.

It is weird that this year, our identity has been mixed and nixed because we are the no baby people.

I came to realise, that right now the friends including the BFF, are so into their babies that even though we are close, there is a barrier that has been made. I am not the friend with whom you can discuss your child or your woes about that child, because I don't have one, and I won't *really* understand what you are going through.
I will never understand, your compulsion to check the baby monitor, and the obsession about "I want to buy abc/xyz for Baby G".

It is like a secret society, which you can see, but can't really be a part of. When friends become mothers, they only get busier for the next 20 years. First its the sleepless nights, then the clingy phase, then the schools, the homeworks, the projects, the exam. You can be the cool aunt, but they are just friends, and you are not family, so all the updates are latent, and all the conversations are about a million things that their child does, and about all that I am missing, because I am not Mom.

This year has been such a massive learning in this regard. And I am so disappointed with my own self for having expectations.

So here is hoping that in the coming year, there is more to talk about other than the babies! 

Yeh Hai Mumbai Meri Jaan

We are often lamenting about things that are not right, without appreciating the things that are right. This is my biggest realisation of turning 31.

I am sitting in my niece's bedroom in Mumbai. In the last two days that I have been here, my heart is being pressed so hard that it is not even funny.  It reminds me of the days when I was interning in Mumbai, and for me there was nothing better than this city. To be honest- when they say the Bombay is a feeling. I know it. I believe it.

My relationship with Bombay is complex. This is the city, where I learnt to be independent at the age of 4, when my great-aunt told me that I could pick out my own clothes and could take my own baths, and leave my hair open all I want. This is also the city, where I learnt the true essence of house parties, and the fact that even if I have to get up at 5 in the morning to travel for a couple of hours, a party on a weekday is not a bad idea at all.

This is also the city that brought me to my knees. A city, where tiny living spaces far far away were the only ones that one could afford and sunshine or rains or even a massive hangover doesn't stop anyone in this city. There is a resilience here that gives it strength. Like someone recently told me, Mumbai is a city where even if you are broke you can have fun. Might I add, that once we grow up the broke fun doesn't cut it anymore. That is why the complicated relationship.

I could have easily passed off Mumbai as Bangalore, where we have friends and family, and which is a great party spot with hopeless traffic, if I had not lived here. Like it was home, at several points of my life.

If I had to re-do my relationship with Mumbai, would I change anything? Would I want this to work out? Would I do something differently?

I don't think I would. I have been thinking about the past. A lot. Especially closer to the birthday. I always do that, helps me plot my growth. I have in the past told the Husband, that I wish we could have done things differently. But- today when I sat to write this out- I realised that I would not have been writing this post about the bitter sweet memories of Mumbai had we not indulged the way that we did, without a care. Our decisions at those times bore fruits. We have best of the people (Yes, because Mumbai does have the best of the people, and believe me when I say that most of the best of Delhi people also stay here, hence Delhi is left with too little of them!) as our friends. And I say "our" friends because of all the memories and the moments that both Husband and I spent with his friends.

There is however something that I would change. My attitude. I always had fun. But, I was always riddled with guilt later. I started attaching a lot more importance and impact (negative one at that) to certain things/situation than what was required, instead of purely enjoying that moment, and preserving it in my memory- just as that- a pure moment of joy.
But other than that, I will not change a thing (maybe a year extra at Juhu ;)) .

Delhi will always be home. With the tiffs, tribulations and a lot diplomatic acts. And Mumbai, was and continues to remain- Meri Jaan. Will it ever be "home" again? I don't know. I do know that, Mumbai will always play an important part in our lives. We are inter- twined. At a spiritual level.

At 31, you realise a meaning of deeper connection, as you move forth with your life at a different pace, with different goals. But there certain places and people who are your anchors, and Mumbai will always be that anchor.

Thank you, for the great Birthday weekend, Mumbai. 

Adulting 101

It is March 31 today. And I hope that all the adults who fall in the tax bracket have already made their last minute tax savings and have also decided, what to do, and what not to do in the coming year. I did mine like in the beginning of this week, and I feel thouroughly accomplaished. It was pretty last minute too, but atleast, it was not like running with a cheque like a lost chicken on 31st itself. I consider that to be adulting. Or at least a part of it.

A recent research says that millenials (like me), have a median age of 30, and they start considering themselves as adults only when they turn 30. Which is mighty interesting. Because, while I remember being 25 and carefree, I also remember turning 30 and all of a sudden, panicking becuase it felt (and still feels like) that time is slipping and now you are on the other side of time (if there is anything like that). All of a sudden you see friends (some even younger then you), who have become parents and are responsible for another human life, and you delay taking your dog to the clinic by 1 whole week, even wehn she is in pain. You see, how people are buying new cars, going for the fancy holidays, and how you can't even maintain a proper grocery list, and forget savings, you don't even know how to budget your household properly. You see people and how their life is together, and you still struggle, in keeping yourself and your sanity together.
There are of course exception to these friends. But, if I have to be honest, I know that all of them would be struggling with something or the other, but, they have that one thing that is sorted in their life. Be it their career or be it their personal life. They have something, to hold on to. Unlike, me right now, where each day is like an exam in adulting.

But what I have come to realise esapecially in the last couple of months, that there are somethings that have to become a deliberate practice for all this adulting to happen, and it does not include throwing dinner parties like an adult! Here is a tentaive list from my tiny experience, in case you are looking for one that is.

1. Expectations: None. Nil. Nada. It is very important to train yourself, that you cannot expect anything from anyone, and on some days, even from your ownself. But that is the truth of it all. And the mantra for a relationship like marriage and all the ancilliary realtionships that come along with that. You have to be your own lover, and your own person. Your married BFF will always be too involved, and if she has a child, then the tables are turned, and you have more expectations to fulfill. Your partner will probably give you a shoulder to cry, but, when life happens, love goes. You can either make your ends meet or make your expectations of romance meet.

2. Only superheroes are in Movies: In real life, you have to just save your own world, and the rest will have to wait today. Life becomes an endless loop of to-do lists, whether it is office assignments or getting things done for home.

3. Accept: The game of tell me why got over with your childhood. Somethings have to be accepted. Like the fact that despite all your persuation, you will have to attend parties on your own, and family functions by yourself. The flaws become imminent, and that is when your relationships are tested. You are some times not only supposed to take the blame for yourself and your actions, often the actions of the partner are also put on your head. Accepting that as a part of your life and moving on helps. It also helps to accept the fact that, when they say that women always assert themselves in a man-woman relationship and call the shots, it is wrong, and you as your own person, cannot judge your relationship based on that myth.

4. Choices: You have to bear the brunt of your own choices. Even if that means, choosing to put your career on the backfoot for family or your relationship. But that does not in any way mean that you have to feel bad about it. Yes, you would like to be appreciated about that fact, but that does not happen. The process to learn that your choices and the repercussions will always come to bite you of not today, but tomorrow should always weigh on your mind.

5. Letting Go: My introductory paragraphs talk about how I have measured myself against the standards and expectations with the yardstick of the society, and feel miserable about it. But the biggest process in the whole adulting scam is to let go. To just measure yourself againt your own self. I have deleted the facebook app on my phone. And that has helped immensely, and slowly I have come to realise that I need to focus on myself and just me too, and can't keep on looking at people and measuring my life. Notions have to be let go.

6. Sleep: While you want to party, and do so many things- you have to give up your sleep, and those lessons come in handy, when one has a baby.

7. Stress and worry: With Murphy working overtime to ensure that things just go wrong all the time, you are bombarded with stress- about work, career, life, relationships, money and everything under the sun. Adulting is like working under constant worry of why things go wrong because all of them go wrong, one way or the other.

Life as we know it, changes, as soon as we realise that one has to be a "responsible" adult. And while you let go of expectations, a whole load of them is put on you- always. My first tiny steps to adulting, and I wonder, what is it that they teach you in school in any case!!!  

The 30-30 List

So I have been 30 for a little over 6 months. And to say that turning 30 has had no major impact on me will be an understatement. Each day (okay, almost everyother day) I have been evaluating and re-evaluating my life and the life choices that I have made. All of a sudden the fact that I am a walkover hits harder than ever, and that losing weight has become imperative, and that it will not be as easy as it was earlier also makes me shudder.

Today, I came across a list on website called Vagabomb, and decided to adopt my own version of this about what I thought that I would be at 30 and what I am. This will be give me perspective and hopefully, help me too.

So here goes nothing:

1. My Own Car

Technically my dad bought me one, years ago, but it was him who paid for it, and I still haven't bought anything that is "costly" per say. I am married, and we do have a car, but then again, technically, it is not my car.

2. A Child

More like children. But then, maybe somethings are not meant to be.

3. A house

This is a joke. I think, the day I started earning and the day I started doing real estate transactions, I figured, I'll never ever be able to buy a house unless there is a windfall, and as luck would have it- No windfall. Then, I moved to Mumbai, and till the time there were no hopes for coming back, I cried my eyes out a lot because owning house in Mumbai meant starving yourself to death for a matchbox.

4. Savings

None. Nil. Nada. Whatever little I have, that is because my father forces me. Else, I am broke and am hardly making the ends meet.

5. Sorted Finances

The story of my savings can pretty much state the story here. There are loads of things that I would like to do here (like an SIP/Mutual Funds investment), but then either there is no impetus or the liquidity is always crunched. I hate myself for this.

6. Career which pays me in millions

The money that I make is roughly, very very less than what my fucking peers are making. Am I happy about the situation. NO. Is there any one I can blame for it? No. Only myself. My career has been a yo yo since the day I got married, and there is absolutely no one but my stupidity to blame for this.

7. Choice to retire

I am making the corpus but I have been told/seen- Lawyers do not retire.
PS: The corpus may not be enough.

8. Culinary Skills
Thank God this one is under my belt. I can cook. And cook damn well. I only wish, I knew how to chop the veggies too ;)

9. The ability to buy Groceries
Since I can cook, I can pretty much get by. Except I had grocery shopping.

10. Eat a Fruit a day
I try. I really do.

11. Still thin and Strong
I was never really thin, per say, but I was definitely slimmer, and at a much better space at the time I got married. That was almost 5 years ago. Need a revival here.

12. Healthy Hair and Skin
Still working. And the hairfall WONT stop.

13. Saree Sagas
I can tie a saree. I can carry a saree. And I love sarees. One more feather in the cap.

14. High Heels

Wedges are workable. Pencils upto 3 inches are still okay, but the 5 inch and upward battle has become a war. Flats, are the best bet, and the reason for the same: My weight.

15. A Louboutin Shoe/A timeless Piece
A timeless fashion piece which is not a rip off. Okay, I do have quite a few of BFF's label (and they are good), but one fashion piece/ bag/accessory from an established brand bought by my own money would just make me feel so adult.

16. Regular Medical Check -Ups
I am usually okay, and I don't hate going to doctors, but the regularity of the health check-ups could go up.

17. Making conversations
I know I can talk. But I blab. I still don't know how is it that someone who can blabber like crazy can't make meaningful conversations? I still don't know, how is it that things that make sense to me in my head don't make any sense to me when I speak them out! And you would think that wiseness comes with age!

18. Hangovers
They become worse with age.

19. Unwanted hair
Waxing arms and legs, and still the hair grown unabated. Now I even have chin hair to take care of.

20. Make-up skills
Another skill that I have learnt!!!! I do decent make -up, and spend money on it too. But still find it tedious to put kajal in the morning to go to work.

21. Travel Goals
My ponly foreign travel still remains - The Honeymoon that we had gone for. Of course I have been pining for a foreign holiday, but thank God to the travel bug, at least we travel in India.

22. A wardrobe
I have clothes. Most of them hand me downs and/or gifts from various aunts and my mother. Putting together a decent wardrobe is an expensive affair.

23. A happier me
Age has done exactly the opposite.

24. A more structured schedule and better time management
I am still running like a headless chicken at times, trying to co-ordinate things and micromanaging them. I would really like to sleep less, and be a tad bit more active. But alas, that is still far away. Far far away.

25. More independant
So, while I hail to be a modern woman, it is still really hard to shop without my mother/husband, and even harder to take minor decisions. A simple "what should we eat for dinner" is a three way call between my maid, me and then between me and the husband and then between me and the maid.

26. Less Anger
If only wishes were apples. Instead I am touchier than before.

27. A group of friends that are super solid and in the same city
There is a lot of ambiguity here.

28. An activity that I love and stick to
I dance. But- I still can't make up my mind about joining a dance class.

29. More patient
Work in progress.

30. Being Me and Knowing me
I really did think that I will have a very sorted life once I have adulted, and since by 30 you are officially running against your biological clock, you are an adult. But- forget being sorted, I think, my life is more complicated than ever. While I fend off the "why the dog and not a baby", from relatives and friends who are popping kids, I can't seem to figure out what is it that I really want. Life is a bitch, and I want to cry all the time.

***

These are my 30 things. And if you want you can pick this up too!

Your 30th.

Since we were kids, your Birthday was always celeberated with a bit more fanfare. I always had mine at home, while yours were in Nirulas, at the Country Club. Or anywhere else that you had wanted them to be.
You are one of my biggest "What if" in life. There are times, many a times that I can't stop thinking about what life would have been with you around.
Tonight, we would have probably have a big birthday bash with you? Or would you have wanted a quiet evening?
Would there have been a special someone, and would there have been a surprise from him? Would that have been a combined effort?
Who would you have been?
The world has changed so much from since we had wanted to run away and make a world of our own. There are so many opportunities, and things are different. I can only imagine what you would have done with all the opportunities that are available in the world.

I can only imagine a life with you in it, because reality of that sucks, and punches me straight into my stomach. I wish wherever you are, you know, that you are missed. I may not say it, express it, but the one person who is the closest to me knows, how much I do.

Happy Birthday.
You are missed.

To resolve or not to resolve, that is the question

I remember, when we were in School, the first set of discussions between friends was about the New Year Resolutions.
I just remember that. I don't remember the kind of resolutions that a school going kid/teenager would make. I mean, losing weight? Or I believe to study more and come first or something on those lines.

For the last couple of years (more like the adult life), the resolutions revolve around the weight and yeah the weight. In a workshop that I had attended about 2 odd years back, while the guy giving us the lecture was talking about goals, he said that our goals should be tangible, and hence imperative that we talk about it, or tell people what our goals are so that they can nag us to oblivion about them. So while New Year is usually a landmark day, when people decide that it is time for a new chapter and set out the resolution, I believe, that, the resolutions should instead be goals, and the resolve should be to achieve them.

Whether your resolve is out in the public, or is private to you, should be your own thing, really. I would not want to achieve a goal, any goal for that matter because of "what will the other person say", but should be my own. I should be my own judge, whether I fail or succeed. But, if your goals are achieved by being in the eye of the public, then, go that way my friend and if you want me to be the nagger, I will be more than happy (my husband, happier still).

But so far as I am concerned, my first goal is to make a set of goals, and then some how, any how, make myself stick to them. I think, my first goal should be to get rid of the Instant Gratification Monkey. And then I believe, that I shall be able to somehow reach a stage where I would be able to make resolutions and stick to them.

Though I do know that, I really do want to be a better person in 2017. Work on several things in myself to be that better person.

So here is to 2017, to new goals and a question of resolutions!

Dear Zindagi

Gauri Shinde is a genius.

When she re-launched Sridevi in "English Vinglish", she took the industry and the viewers by storm. The movie had only Sridevi as a "star", who was doing this movie as a comeback. Apart from that, there were the character actors, and a foreign star or two. But the movie was backed by powerful performances by all the actors but most of all it was backed by a solid story and great direction.

The story was so relevant. The dilema of a woman who is constantly battling with her battered confidence because of her lack of education/knowing english, it hits hard even to women who are educated, but decide to give up their careers for families! While that story was all about empowering the woman in you, Dear Zindagi hits a chord which no one is willing to discuss.

The story of DZ is about a girl, who is always angry, except when she is with her core group. She angry at the boys that she is dating, and she is angry at her parents. She hears about the "Brain Doctor" (BD) from a friend, who says that he needed to go see him not because he had to come out of the closet but because he needed to accept himself being gay.
The story then follows the journey of our protaganist with her therapist and the various bits of advisory that he gives her. And, while in our world of too much knowldege and opinions (and because I know that there is a psycologist/therapist, who follows this blog), there are people who are saying that "therapy does not work this way", all I have to say is that it is a movie and they disclaimed that it is a work of fiction and that they are not endorsing any medical advise. And from my limited knowledge I think the common thing is that- there is no definition of psycology and that each patient that a counsellor/therapist interacts with gives them a new insight, because we all are inherently different.
So that aside, in the movie we find that our protagisnist Kaira, has abandonment issues because of an incident etched in her mind and that is becoming a vicious circle for her. We see how in the sessions, our therapist Dr. Jehangir "Jug" Khan, pulls out a lot of wisdom, and helps her cope.

While the movie deals with only one of the major aspects of our lives "abandonment issues", I feel that it encourages the likes of us (the new age, always running) people to stop and evaluate our lives, to really think about things that matter and to let go.
And yes it does touch upon the chord of mind illnesses being a tabboo in our society and how it is time to really embrace our pshycological needs as a part of our health issues. In an interview that I read of Gauri Shinde, she empahsises on the fact that it is important to recogonize the fact that sometimes we are not okay. That we are emotionally drained and that too should be recogonized as a legit reason to stay home,

For someone like me, who does believe in power of therapy, because I have been through it, this movie really did tug my heart strings. It was not preachy, just practical. Alia Bhatt and SRK have given great performances, and if you really go with an open heart and an open mind you will come out with a lot of points to ponder, and some that you may want to really inculcate in your daily life!

So, go see this movie for a refereshing break from the usual cinema that you watch and for some life changing lessons, that you may like!

As the Season marks change!

Fall is finally approaching.
And with the way the weather is looking, winters are gonna be long and hard this time.

The best thing about being here in Delhi is that one can actually sense a change in the weather, and can feel the nip in the air, when one steps out in evenings. A general sense of happiness is slowly descending on the city, along with unbearable traffic!

With the change in weather, there is a change in our lives too.

A sudden action by a complete third party, had put us in a precarious position, and we had been struggling with the weight of certain decisions that had to be taken. And, today, all of a sudden, there is clarity, and concrete decisions have been taken.
And, now, life is going to change.

And this time round, when we were to take our decisions, we sought a lot of wise counsel, and I personally am very thankful to all the people, who have helped us out. Who have given their genuine opinions, and have also given us their valuable time by answering questions.

There is a sea of change that this Diwali is bringing for us.

And for the festival season, I hope and pray, that you all, my readers are graced with love, properity, happiness and contentment.

Happy Diwali!

When You are 30

In your growing up years, you realise that there are challenges everyday.
Every single day during the school days was comprised of, why is it necessary for me to sit and study academic books over and above the novels that I loved.
And in later years, it was always about the pressures of the high school, while I saw my sister sailing through it all (schooling system changed, and I was the first born, hence, experiment baby, and to give her some credit, she was better than me).

In class 12th, the sole aim of life was to ensure that, I somehow meet some sort of expectations of my parents, and through my college years, I breezed through academics (because I realised that I can actually enjoy studying), however, at that point in time, I had the boyfriend and how to ensure that I have enough money to keep on have recharges in my phone to get to talk to him. Other troubling aspects included my dance class promotions, fending off marrige proposals and wondering how in the world will I end up getting a job.

World was intact when I passed law; when I told my parents about the boyfriend/husband, and I got a job, which converted into firm practice. By the time I hit my quarter life mark, I thought that things were under control. I was this over-excited, ready to please the world, and eager to move forward in career phase. The marriage did sort of spin things out of control, and the expectations of "OMG, you have to be responsible for the husband and father in law" were gifted along with the entire band, baaja, baraat. I thought that I would be able to pull this. I knew the husband for a long time, and we had battled the odds in our relationship and whatever the worls had to say, love is enough. Our first fight happened, less than a month of being married. It was a bad fight, and it broke my heart. It also made me realise that 24x7 vs a weekend here and there are different things all together. And, for two years and 3 months, I shut out the "responsibility" part. I did, only as much as I could, and as much as I wanted to (to keep my own guilt at bay). It was still a lot of roses and less of thorns. Till, we had to move from the "sarkari" to the "bhada" circle. All of a sudden there was rent to be paid, and an FIL, who had too much time on his hands (though to give him credit, he steps back when he realises that husband and I are talking angry code words).
But that was in Mumbai and it was for 1 year only!

Today, we are here. It is going to be a year in Delhi, and I turned 30. And several people (older, contemporaries) have been commenting "ha", what is age? Just a number! I too was like, so what, I am just 30. It is the new 20ies! But, then, I guess life has a plan. And for all those years, that I have shied away and shirked away from responsibility, 30 seems to be the right kind of age.
Life decided, that enough. You need to start being an Adult. And no, earning money, and paying your taxes doesn't count. So, all of a sudden, there comes a curve ball and the last 3 (three) weeks, all I (okay, we) have been doing is going from one stress to the other, one crises to the other. Just when, we got one part of our affairs in order, wham, came one blow. The moment that got somewhat sorted, wham came another.
To add to that, all of a sudden, I have too much work on my desk (which is the BEST thing), but I can feel the burn-out. I can feel like life is looking at me.
I can feel that it is waiting. To pounce.

How does, 30 become such an "age" issue? Because, between 25-29, it is about getting married. Somehow, marriage is not such a big deal. But now, all of a sudden, all (okay, almost all) of our friends have babies. People who got married as late as 2 years after us have kids and, we obviously have none (Sugar, is of course an exception), and it is weird. My BFF has a small lil prince, and while I love him to the core, it becomes weird, because parents are parents, and even though they are cool, all of a sudden, they have responsibilities and priorties that go much beyond partying and other social engagements. Even as a BFF, you become secondary. Since you don't have a baby, you are expected to visit, and keep batting questions about your own plans. While you bat those questions with other questions or the usual "hmmm", your mind goes to the biological clock that is ticking, and your doctor and your mom's voice in the head. You know things have gone over and above, when your FIL tells you that it is high time that we plan, and you smile at him, and tell him that you can't do it alone, laugh it off and move on.
You are left to question every little action of yours, cringe at the thought of reaching out to certain people because you are snubbed, or told that you are inconsiderate. You think about several other things including about the "Me" times and the "Us" times, You go to the Durga Puja and when you try celeberating with your parents, you realise that they wont, or realise that the husband still can't have a comfortable equation with people who you are close to, and that you will forever be answering the questions about the "husband, who won't socialize" and the one who still can't buy a gift.

This turning 30 business, is not turning out to be pleasant. But one can hope? right?

Have you ever..

Sat and wondered, 

about how life is, and why, 

you are doing what you are, and,

why you are not doing, what thy neighbours are. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why it feels like life is a roller coaster, 

when you hate the thought of getting on one, 

in the most loved theme park? 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about why you believe, and why, 

despite it all, you have the faith? or, 

why in that Harry Potter series, 

it was only love which prevailed, and

why in real life, only persistence and will, 

will prevail. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why despite your best intentions, 

everything fucks up, 

and why, just, OH LORD why, 

things never work in your favour. 

Have you ever sat, wondered and questioned, 

the beliefs that you felt were instilled, 

not by your family or friends, but,

by the self help book, which claimed, 

that the universe has it ways, and if you really, 

really want it, it will come your way. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about, why are you always in a conflict, 

about why, you want your cake, and eat it too, 

about being jealous of people who seem to have it all, 

while you are still struggling, 

travelling 30 kms in one haul.

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

when you were told about being "lucked out", 

why is it that you are always out of luck, 

and even though you know that, 

there are ones in situations worse than you, 

you can't empatise, and still wallow about you! 

Have you ever sat, wondered, and hoped, 

that things will be set right, 

and life as we had dreamed, will, 

finally be realised, 

and all, will be okay. 

One can after all, sit, wonder, and hope against hope!

****

Have you ever sat and wondered...about why it is home that you always want to come back to,about how it is that kiss at the start of the day that lifts you up.about how that one tight embrace at the end of the nights makes everything feel worth it,about despite all the despair, it is only the love that helps you conquer it all?Have you ever sat and wondered, that you've probably lucked out on love.Love, that prevails. 

13 going to 30!

It even sounds weird!
"Hi, I am 30!"

I mean I know and I have heard enough about the "age is nothing but a number", but it is weird when you sit back and realise that all of a sudden, you are neither in your traumatic teens, nor in the drama twenties, but you are suddenly thirty.

It is like entering the teens. All of a sudden you are a kid and then wham bham you are teen. And in all hoensty, your twenties are usually an extension of your teeange years.You are in college when you are 18, 19, and 20 (and even more if you are in a professional course or pursuing your masters!). So you are being taken care of, you are being paid a pocket money or you are doing odd jobs to support your passions and even when you are fresh and out in the world to do a proper job, you are full of adrenaline and enthusiasm to take over the world.

Suddenly you are 25. And if you are in Delhi, that is a BIG deal because now you can officially go drinking. And by the time you end reveling in your quarter life crisis, you are 27, all of a sudden it is all about getting married (you may also be married for a year by then!). And by the time you realise that your life has suddenly changed, from the teens to the twnties, from school college to work, from single to being married (and being a parent too in some cases), you hit the thirty mark.

You are expected to grow up. To take up responsibilities like they are sacrements and always, always make sense of all the decisions that you take. Whether it is about your marriage, your family, your career, everything. It is like, from a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being the lowest), you are allowed a margin of error of (minus) 1.

Is it like changing everything overnight? No. But it surely does instil the feeling of "change". It makes you feel inadequate.
When you are 30, you tend to look back, and look back alot (or at least I do) and assess about what all have you achieved.
Unfortunately, the society has put the assessment in a straight jacket of: marriage, family, kids and career. And as you assess against these you have a panic attack, because, you are failing. If not in all, then definitely in one (and if you are the kinds who has it all- then, please share, how?).

While I have definitely not failed the complete assessment, I also know that maybe things could have been better. But, jab jaago tabhi savera!

I think, the most important thing in my life that I have done and am proud of is finding my dear darling husband. He will disagree to say that, we fight like maniacs, so how can he be my best find? The fact of the matter is that, while I assess my life in the societal straight jacket, I am grateful to have found someone who is willing to change the norms, and who is willing to question everything (it does get annoying.. but..) . It makes life a little bit more exciting when we have a million apps to satiate our hunger for binge TV watching or when we just take the car and find ourselves at places like bhootgaon!
Of course life is up and down and I am not particularly happy about reaching an age where I am judged because my uterous has aged more, and us having kids has become a conversation starter. But, I am here now and I can't really help it!

I think, what I take back from my last 30 years is that while I have effectively changed as a person, from being totally hopelessly unsatisfaioed, angry teenager to a little less of the same, I am slowly becoming into my own person. I am blooming maybe a couple of years late. But I am blooming. From cooking awesome food, to learning how to argue better (respond and not react), from realising that mornings have always been under-rated (especially post the rains!) and that exercising should have been started at least 2 years ago.. from the emotional, and financial mess to trying to untangle the mess by taking control of things.. it seems that there is a lot of catching up to do. All the things (including relationships) that have been taken for granted need to be rebuilt. And these are the tasks that have been cut out for me/Us!
One more task that is just for me, is to learn patience and satisfaction. There is no dirth of things that are happening with people in my so call friend list, and I need to stop assessing my life against them. I need to learn the art of letting go, and embracing whatever comes my way. Another thing that I have to learn and accept is that even with the closest of people you can't expect them to completely change and/or adjust to yourself, there has to be a middle ground. Maybe it is time to get into meditation, and to move towards a little bit more stillness. And by that I mean, grounding your emotions to train your mind to not have oscillating emotions. To think through situations and to really be able to assess the consequences of the words coming out of my mouth. To be less angry, less unsatisfied.
This would be like a emotional rehab for me, I may lapse and re-lapse into my old patterns, but I have to try. I have to be a better person, a more solid person, because it seems that, this is what is holding me behind and has husband doubting my skills to be a grown up.

While, I try to be zen, I will also try to dance to on the crazy songs, just to remind myself that life maybe a struggle, but as kids, the most we worried about was the homework and the vacations, and how life was simpler.

Happy 30th to me!

3.0

Has it been 10 years since I entered my twenties? It seems like yesterday. And as cliched as it sounds, it does seem like yesterday. And it has been half a decade since I discovered that when you hit your quarter life mark, you don't grow wings either.

I remember my 20th Birthday to the extent that I still have the collage that the sister had lovingly made for me. We had it framed and it hung proudly in my erstwhile room. I call it erstwhile, not because I am married but because the character of that room has also changed. And that change had begun exactly a year back. I surprised my parents and they surprised me back. The layout of that room and the furniture of that room had always kept me grounded, and always reminded me of the times and nights that I had spent there weaving my dreams. Now most of it is with me in my house (pati ka ghar) because I am in NCR. Including that collage- Which hangs on a wall above our bed. It is quite a placement, because on the other side of the bed is another collage that I had made on our first marriage anniversary. So when I stand on the foot of my bed, I can actually, physically see the change in the circle and see the times that have gone by and the people who I have lost on the way to death.

Apart from the BFF, the only other constant has been the Husband and I have to give it to him, I am not an easy person to deal with, and he has done it. Not only did he date me, but about 6 years back on my birthday eve, he proposed to me. We were going through all the pictures the other day on the ipad, and just as 2010 was getting over, I was like oh, after this I wont be in any pictures, only to realise that, we have been together from 2005! So yeah, my Mr. constant, and my support and my everything too!

So now, a decade later, a week to my 30th Birthday, I have been forced to sit and think about life. It has been more than a decade since I turned 18, and while the world has turned upside down, I have never assessed what I have achieved on adulting!

Whenever we have gone for job interviews, and otherwise also, we have often been advised to make life plans and life goals and garner satisfaction from achieving those goals that have been made and ticked on the "Goal List". What they don't tell you is that when life happens, the goals get fucked.

I also had a life plan. And according to that life plan, I would have had reached a point in my career where I was the boss or atleast someone senior, and that I would have had a family (kids), and a house and whatever the best version of a happily after. And trust me when I say that none of the life goals have been achieved.
I had thought that 20ies was when one struggled, and that by the time the third decade rolls in, there would be stability.

But, life happened my friends. While my BFF is settling down in a family as per her plan (yeah baby and all), we are on a completely different planet. The questions have become so uncomfortable that, I avoid unnecessary spending time at my parents. And when I have to be there, I have to change subjects because, I have no answer to their question of stability.

Life is becoming like a dark alley without a light where I am groping in the dark trying to make sense of things. I am not completely disheartened, I am just tiring down. It is like a never ending road.

I don't know, whats happening any more, and I hate the fact that I am almost 30 and I still can't control whats happening in my life.

My crazy antics, and my stupidity are the only thing that are keeping me sane, but, now life calls me to be always serious, 30 after all is a responsible age. Just about it. Or so I guess.

As I countdown (in my head) to my 30th Birthday, Madcap Loon's advice keeps pestering me- Age is nothing but a number. For men maybe. But for women, 30 is a psycological mark. It is when we start using the anti-ageging creams, and it is when we the society starts telling you that you have missed the turn, and that you better hurry and hope that your child is healthy when you have him/her. This is also an age when however hard you try, even air makes you fat and then it takes you forever to shed it off, when you need a full night's sleep to recover from a late night party and all of a sudden there are friends who seem all grown up, and make you feel juvinile.

I don't regret the last 29 years of my life in any manner, I do believe in whatever happens, happens for the best. But, in the next decade, I think, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be less stressed. I want to be more settled, and I want to be at peace.
And all of this- I want with the Husband.

Let us see, from here, where life goes!

It has been 8 months since 2016 started.
Though, while on one side, I believe that the year has just gone too fast, on the other I feel like I have been having an out of body experience, where, I am observing everything that my life is all about, but I feel stuck. Stuck in a vacuum, from where I want to scream at myself, but I just can't because I feel like a third party.

I have been home for the last two days. It took a lot of convincing to myself that I need this break. Without anybody. On a weekday, binging on netflix and doing absolutely nothing. I am no wiser, and I definitely have no solutions to the problems in my life.
I still feel like I am a third party to my life.

The other day, Husband asked me about "my plans to join Dad"; and that turned into a defensive argument which in turn led me to state "I'll find the solution to our problems" And The Husband did not believe me. I wish that he did. But I guess you spot a loser when you see one.

I just wish that I could make everything right. I wish I was not always in the wrong, always saying things that are not logical.  
I really do wish that I could finally steer my life instead of being an outsider to it.

I wish, I had some answers. But all I have are more questions. More complications. 

The Neigbourly Love

I grew up in a "colony" in Delhi. For the uninitiated a colony in Delhi is a block, where the houses are tightly packed and the community values are really strong. We had moved into the colony about 40+ years back, and most of the neighbours are known to us since time immemorial.

I had been the poster child for most of the neighbours. Because, me being me, I used to go with my grandma to all the local temple functions and kirtans, and also the local aunties and their kitty parties (with both Dadi and Ma). Most of the "grandparent"- type figures in the colony were my grandparents' friends and loved my Dad and his siblings like their own (since of course they saw them grow up, attending their weddings, and also saw their kids grow up and attended our weddings as well!!! and we also of course attended the weddings and played with the smaller kids when we were growing up).

However, I never really thought that, all this neighbourly love will backfire on me!

So while I was unmarried, a lot of questions were thrown at my Dadi and Ma about when? Luckily, my Dadi was a very strong woman and she would shut her mates up by telling them that "Let he first get settle" and as chance would have it I got married at the "suitable age". That satisfied the world at large.
But now, the neighbourly love is back again. And unfortunately, my Dadi is no more, and even if she had been alive, this time she would have actually pursued the agenda of the neighbours too (like Ma is currently doing). The agenda is "Kids".
One of the neighbours stopped my Dad the other day (or so I have been told) and asked him "Are you Nana, yet?"
And the other one apparently told my Ma, that "How is it that she has gained so much of weight on her ass?.. how will she have a baby? and.. she has been married for so long... why don't you push her?"
I laughed it off when Ma told me all of this on phone. I was cringing on the inside and seething too.

It is hard to make people understand. Okay strike that off, WHY DO I NEED TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND?
Well, in all honesty, I never thought that I would be made answerable like this by all the neighbourly love. I had definitely thought that I was above this.. but as it happens in our society no one is above the societal norms. I also understand that this may be a way of my mother telling me to hurry up already.

The whole idea of having kids, and being responsible for a tiny little life is daunting. And to be honest, I can't make the decision alone, and nor do I plan to raise them by myself. While I understand that my biological clock is like a ticking "time-bomb", I also know that this decision will bomb my relationship with the husband if it is a forced one.

The almost 30 years old me feels like I a 3 year old being reprimanded from everywhere. C'mon how fair is that?
Like I said, this adulting business is killing me. 

Nodus Tollens

July has been particularly a cruel month. Yes, I am using the word cruel. Not tough, not exasperating but cruel.
The Husband turned 31 in the first week of July, and it was nothing short of shoddy from my side. From giving him no gift, to writing him a birthday note on a piece of my office stationery. It was bad. The only saving grace was that I cooked. And cooked my heart out in the past few weeks. From fancy iced cakes to desserts which looked absolutely awesome, I can cook baby.

The amount of adulting that has happened in the last 3.5 odd weeks is nothing short of adulting on steroids. I have been dealing with A.C guys non stop. And the amount of shouting that I have been doing because of the shoddy job that they are doing still makes my head spin.
I have been stuck in traffic jams both while travelling to and back from office, practically crying because I want to give up on this and on the other hand thanking my stars that my job is actually not bad considering the last three years.
I have been busy in office. Like SUPER busy.

For the first time since taxes have been filed for me (by my Dad) it seems that I shall be making a payment to the IT department. And so is the Husband. "Mera Desh Badh Raha hai..aage badh raha hai".
Taxes spell money, and well, if I have to spell it out for the world: Then we are some trouble, Mister. But because, "Halki Plulki si zindagi hai, bhojh to sirf khwaaishon ka hai" (Credit: Piyush Mishra); I will stop wrting about this right here.

The BFF had a baby boy. I was still recovering from her announcement, and then the Godbharai and the Baby Shower, and boom, her little prince just came. This is too close to home, It is not only her, but at least three other friends in the close circle who are having babies (in the next couple of months). All of them (including the BFF) were married a year or two after me. So, obviously, all I hear from my mother dear is "Are you ever going to have a baby?". I have in this steroidal phase of course learnt to let go, and stop registering the complaints any longer. Because, that is exhausting.

Talking about exhaution and friends, (I have just 1 friend per se), the rest are friends (Okay I have 5 friends.. who are my mainstay). Some only for benefits and with expectations and conditions attached with them. But because, we are social butterflies (or caterpillars or whatever the fuck!), I make the effort to stay in touch. To call, to message and of course to FB. How many times have I sat and wondered why should I make the effort. Why should I be the bigger person, only to realise (from their FB feeds) that the "friends" have their own social circles and they really don't care if we are in them or not because they have the others.
We on the other hand, hardly have any. And thus, we have to maintain our friendships. Not them.
It gets exhausting. If not uncomfortable for the person on who we are forcing the friendships.

And then I have "Altschmerz", the weariness with the same old issues that I have always had. The same boring flaws and anxieties that I have gnawing at.
Is the Husband Happy? What, did I do now? Oh fuck, Husband has diabetes.. and he wont listen to me. I am doomed. (You get the drift)

I am almost 30. And, I have no idea about where I am. We we are (as a family). I keep jumping about trying to do the right thing (whatever that is), and always trying to balance the scales. Sometimes I want to just give up on everything and cry in a corner about what the fuck is happening. And why the hell can I not get a control of things.
Hence, Nodus Tollens "The realization that the plot of my life doesn't make sense anymore"

Perennial Pain

Pain is perennial. It just hides on most of the days. But on some it just comes out and hits you hard. Right on your gut.
And leaves you moaning.

This year, on May 22nd, I was partying with a friend. We got drunk, and somewhat stoned. But were mostly sane. I must admit, that for the first time in 12 years, the date did not strike me. The tears did not wreck me. But at the back of my mind, I had a hollow feeling (could be attributable to my inebriated state). As chance would have it, while on our way back from our late night excursion, some roads were blocked, and we were forced to take internal routes, and bang, in a minute, I was on those roads, in front of those landmarks where I had spent a good part of my childhood, with Her. Where, we would walk by ourselves, holding hands, lest someone tries to take advantage of two little girls. And boom. I was numb. I could not cry shamelessly like how I do, every year, thinking about, the fateful night, and how, if only, I was a little more bossy, would things have turned out. But, my stomach was in knots, and I could not speak much. I think from thereon, I just went through the motions, like a robot. Do I feel guilty? I think, I always do. Maybe, one of the reasons why I can't ever be the same with the person, who I practically think of as my second mother. Am I the accused? Often, I go back to what transpired all those years back, and wonder, if I deserve the guilt? Whether, I could have changed anything. But it is a game of what if's that I keep on playing in my head.

Today, about 5 years back, another death, changed my life again. I know things would have been completely different had she been around. But then, I guess, life just does not make it any easier for any of us. I still don't know, how, the Husband has been dealing with this loss and in all honesty, I don't know how to make him feel better. The bitter sweet memories of the past, like the waves of pain often hit you hard. I don't have many memories with her, but the few that I have are awesome. I owe her my Husband, in all respects, and I just wish that wherever she is, she is not disappointed in me.

It is less to do with love, and more to do with pain. The binding power that is. And it is all about the memories that you keep in your heart.

I have been dealing with death and pain for the last 15 years now. And, when Dadi went, it was like an end of an era for all of us. Because, she was always there. But, we also knew that she lived her life. She saw her great grand kids (my brother's kids), and she was there, always. I spent 30 years (okay 29 years and 3 months) of my life with her. Even, in the last 4 (almost) years of being married, the one person who was the happiest to see me was her, and coming home to her, was the bestest thing ever. We celebrated her, even in her death. By eating her favourite food, and just remembering her. But, every time, I drop in to my house to say hi, I miss her.

The pain is always there. It just hits you, when you don't want it to. 

Just Average

I was always an average student. A happy go lucky kind of a girl who wanted to be friends with everyone in school. I was/ am not very talented either. I dapple in dancing and now I can bake a cookie or two, and that is about it. 

I do have a gift of gab, but apparently, I don't make much sense when I talk and half the people think that I am making up stuff, so yeah, I don't talk much either. 

I went through a fiasco when I was out of Class 12, and it was time to pick up a career, and despite the fact that in my heart, I always knew that I wanted to be an advocate, I did one year of engineering, failed badly at that, and then, I re-started in a B class law school. I of course look back at that and wonder if I could have been firmer at my decision, maybe then not changed my school, or maybe taken up arts, and then done law from a good law school, and then maybe had a better career. Or better still, had I been a little bit more intelligent in school and studied harder, or maybe been serious at some sport or maybe even at my dancing. 

But, I have always been just average. 

So, when I passed law, and I joined Ms. MA's litigation practice, I saw that she stayed with her parents, while her german husband was in Germany, and they had a "long distance marriage"; and when the practice merged in the law firm, my boss was a single mom. And a lot of others, who were in their late twenties/ early thirties, who were dating, breaking up, and were unmarried or unhitched. I was dating the husband, and after a rough 5 odd years of being in mostly a long distance relationship, we were in the "lets get hitched in marriage" kind of phase. When this happened, I made a decision, that I would try to achieve a work-life balance, and wherever required I would want to be more of a family person versus the always in office person. 

I was doing very well before I got married. I was doing good practice and I was a part of the firm that had a positive growth story. I had a great boss, and some really really great friends in the firm. And then I moved to Mumbai. I went from being in a home, where I had my grandmom practically feeding me breakfast every morning to a house with no woman. I knew about taking care of the house, but being the only doing everything was a little too much. Not only that, I had to travel for a minimum of 3+ hours each day in mumbai locals/ public transport in dastardly weather, to go to office. The husband was in a "work from home" situation, where, he worked during the nights. We were newly married. Had moved into a new house, and for the first 20 days after I joined work, I had no maid. I used to get up at 5 a.m. and all that shit. I know how much I had cried myself to sleep, because, we had no time for each other. Not that we have any now either. Yes, I do wish, that I had pushed myself harder, and instead of 6 months, given myself a little bit more time in the Mumbai office of the firm. And then, of course, I stumbled and fell at each step, trying figure out where the hell am I going. I changed 3 jobs in 3 years of being in Mumbai. I hated myself for doing this to my career, but, I had to think about everything. Put perspective to the familial life as well as the career that I was trying to build. I remember, the very first interview that I had given after moving to Mumbai was with one of the top law firms. The only reason that I did not get a call back was because I was wearing a choora and I was a newly wed. Yes, it works against the women. 

Nevertheless, I have paid the price of being the not so driven/ passionate lawyer, I am behind by 3 years from all my contemporaries, and, it is almost like I have re- started. I am now a part of the firm which is new, and therefore, a little eased out. But, I am getting to learn a lot more than what I would have had I been in a bigger firm. I may not be overtly ambitious, but the deal with me is that, as I lawyer, I should be learning the correct things applying them for the betterment of my clients. Who wouldn't want more money. But, am I willing to sacrifice my family life for my career, I don't know. I don't know, if I would be able to always just work, and never be around the people for whom I am earning. What is the point then? So, does that make me less ambitious? Or less of a hard worker? Or less driven? I think so. 

In this whole deal of ensuring family doesn't suffer because of work, I have, I think managed to make a mess of both the things. My career and the family. I am turning 30 in about 3 months from today, and I have nothing to my credit. 

But, I have been nothing, but an average, even as a failure, just that. I don't know how to better it. 

The Dancer and the Mirror

I had started learning Bharatnatyam at the age of 7. And, if I have to be honest about it, I hated it there. I was tired after school, and was siphoned off from the bus stop to a dance class in the interiors of qutub area, and I understood nothing.
The dance school had a huge hall with s stage and there were senior dance teachers who would be teaching various groups in various corners. If my memory served right, you started with one teacher where you would do warm ups (being the basics), and then go to the next teacher who would take your class - meaning who would ask you to do the items that you have learnt. And then finally, you would go to the teacher who would be teaching you your new set of steps in the item that you would be in the process of learning.
There was also a mandatory singing class, and a lot of complaints from my guru to my mother that, she is wasting her money on me by making me learn dance and that I can never learn. Maybe I was/ am beat deaf.
I remember taking a sabbatical from bharatnatiyam in Class 9, citing pressure to study and the class 10th boards. And I remember studying very hard and praying that I get good marks so that I can ask my mom to never send me back to dance class. It was in the months after my class 10 boards and before the results that I joined the summer workshop at The DanceWorks Studio by Asley Lobo. I was lost there too. But, somehow felt a little familiarity. After the summer workshop was over, and I started school again, I forgot about dancing. And it was in college that I joined the regular classes at the DanceWorks.
It was there, that I after months of training, finally looked at myself in the mirror, and not to set my hair, but to check my posture, and smile while enduring the pains of the pirouette or the extensions. It was there, where I met dance teachers, who always encouraged, and who were always positive. It was there where I learnt that to look in the mirror is an act of courage and confidence. We all look in the mirror do our make up and hair and see how we are dressed, but we never really look. The moment we would really look, into our own eyes, and our own soul, is when we realise the real pain inside our heart and the fact that we are always overlooking at things, all the time.
Those 4-5 years, I was at the peak of my confidence. I was a much happier person, and I looked superb. It was a time where I felt a part of something.

Right now, today, as I write this, I realise that I have not looked in my own eyes for a really really long time, and that I am at a point in my life where, I want answers, and I don't want to second guess any of my decisions. I want to be a much happier person, and I want to really make the most out of the life that I have. I don't want to think about how much would I have to cry in the night, because I laughed a lot during the day.  I want to be that dancer again, with her mirror, who was ready to conquer the world, come what may. 

The mystery of the missing dupatta and about being thoughtful and thoughtless

This morning when I left home, I distinctly remember carrying my duppatta with me, along with my purse and my tiffin. I sat in the car, and throughout the 30 minute drive that dupatta did not trouble me. It did not slither down to create hurdles while I was driving, and because of all the things that are happening around me, my drive becomes my thinking zone, I forgot about that dupatta.
(I usually put the dupatta along with the tiffin, the purse and the other jing bang on the passenger seat so that everything is accounted for, and today, I did not follow my protocol.)

So, at the end of my drive (which is at the starbucks close to my office), when I got down to go and collect my coffee, the dupatta did not slide down, and I believe that I missed it falling off me, when I got out of the car. When I got back into the car to go to office, I of course did not remember about the dupatta. Three minutes later, about halfway to my office from Starbucks, I realise that I had a dupatta and its missing. I stop my car, frantically search in the car, turn around the car and drive back to where I had parked my own car, but there was nothing there. No dupatta.

And, in all honesty, I have NO freaking clue, where, why or how the hell did it even fall off me and I did not realise it? It is not a small thing. It was a big green and black printed dupatta! The good thing though is, that the kurta that I am wearing is not with a dupatta, so, there is nothing missing per se. And the kurta with which this duppatta came, has faded, and I was going to throw it away in any case.

But, the fact is, that I am not a careless person. I believe that I am a careful person, and I abhor losing things because, I have not followed protocol (as set by my own self!). This is precisely THE reason, why at times, things need to happen the way I want. Because of the protocols that I have set. Sometimes, one has to adjust, but for things as regular as going to work, there are things that I like to follow, so that I don't miss out on important things. Like, I have travel kits. When we were in Mumbai, we used to travel a lot, and because last minute frenzy often makes me anxious, and I hate forgetting (because, I get reprimanded for forgetting), I had prepared three small bags with travel toiletries, things that I can't travel without and which are important (even a toilet paper). It always helps me because, if we have to travel on the shortest of notice, I have these three bags that I toss in and I am set. Plus, of course, my purse has everything that I need too!

I am sometimes jealous of the people, who don't care. But I think my anxiety tops that feeling of jealousy. I'd rather travel in peace than with worrying about pooping in dirty toilets without paper.

So, yeah, there are things that have been protocoled (I don't think that this a word), and when it is just me, I can follow it. But when its a team (like having the Husband), it becomes too many questions, answers and logic. As has been established via the previous post, I lack logic.

So yeah, my dear dupatta, wherever you are, you served me well, and I miss you, and I am sorry that I lost you.
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Being thoughtful is again a perspective. I mean, what being thoughtful means to me will not necessarily be akin to your perspective. And rest of the disclaimer about the thoughtfulness will be somewhere in between the post or towards the end.

So, I have a colleague in my present office, whose girlfriend's birthday is on the coming weekend and he has been working super hard for making it super special for her. I know this because almost all of us in office have helped him :D.
The thing being, that he has picked up stuff for his girl by observing various things, by carefully scrutinizing the conversations that they have had (albeit in the last three months, but give the guy the credit!). His girlfriend is also a lawyer, and she has travelled a lot, and she had in a conversation mentioned to him that she is looking to create a space in her room where she can probably have a map which is marked in some way to mark all the places that she has been to. So, he starts looking and finds a quirky map, which he gets mount on a softboard. The map is foil covered, and the person can scratch the places where all they have visited, and each scratch is a different colour, so you have all the fun rediscovering the places that you have been too, and literally scratching the travel itch. In another conversation he heard her mentioning that she is looking for a phulkari dupatta (traditional punjabi embroidery duptta), and he asks around, he asks us, we help him find vendors, and he reaches out to at least 10 vendors (found via facebook and instagram) and finalizes on a beautiful piece. Not only just finding the vendor, but asking the right questions as well, after consulting I believe his mom, and us girls too in office. Apart from the other knick knacks of gifts, he got her a pair of swaroswki earrings. And mind you, they were not just selected on a whim. While helping him go through the on-line catalogue, he was so sure about the earrings that she wears, because, he notices. Yesterday, when everything came together, my other colleague SR asked him "So, boss, how much was the dent?" and he replied by saying that "This not a dent, but an investment! After all, she also thinks through, and ensures that whatever she does for my birthday is with as much thought and effort.."
Now how sweet is that!
Of course, there is a dinner planned and what not, for the birthday.. but I think, it is just such a pleasant change to find a guy, who actually thinks through the gifts (most importantly, thinks that he has to gift).
Like I had said above, that this may not sound so thoughtful to a lot of you. But I always think that the art of gifting is an art too. It takes, so much of an effort to find the right thing for the person that you are buying a gift for. Sometimes its easy, sometimes, it is a task. For my BFF, whose godbharai happened about 10 days back, I drew a blank on what is it that I can gift her, especially since she has said no baby gifts till the baby comes. So, I had read somewhere that to be mums should be gifted "ladoo gopals", as a sign of happy healthy babies, and boom, I got that for her. It may not have been expensive, but it was thoughtful (her mom in law said that, so I know).

It need not be expensive. But it should be thought through. Like for Husband's 30th, I went to great lengths. Though him being him, he did not tell me, whether he liked it or not or whether I got it right. But, I would like to believe that I did do a good job. I started 3 months in advance. I literally learnt how to use a new program. Did so much DIY, that I was super happy and satisfied.

You know, when you do put in the effort, things just work out. One has to be more observant, ask the right questions and look for guidance, where one can find.
 As a matter of fact, even between my parents, I see that there is no gifting thing, but then when it is their anniversary or one of their birthday, they do reach out to us. My dad will always ask.. so what is it that we should by for your mom, or mom will always observe that Dad may need something (like a phone or a camera, or even a night suit) but nevertheless they observe.

I always used to think that movies and romance novels have raised the bar. But then there are the kinds who really look around and find the thing that is right.

This maybe a materialistic perspective to being thoughtful, but of late, I am in a place that I can't see my half full glass, so maybe this post helps in colouring that water, so that I can see damn glass which is half full.

Continuing the "Nobody" rant..

I read a lot of articles written on "artparasites", they are the articles, poems which have a flow in them. Even if it is an essay, the words flow like perfection. So many of those essays and poems resonate within me. Often, making me realise that the inflictions of my imagination and the traumas of my daily life are not my own. There are other people facing the similar (if not the same). (Like I had said, I am not even a hero in my own story).

So while browsing through the website today, I came across an essay , which was titled as "Mediocrity is Underrated", and it is written by a 19 year old. This nineteen year old writes, "Perfection might be the order of the day, but it’s an incredibly lonely place to be. "

And, while I agree that you may have less to no real friends, it also a place where, you wish to be.

Who doesn't want their world to be perfect, and in worlds that are perfect, perfection may not be a lonely place.

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I looked up narcissist, and it seems that me wanting appreciation from the people around me doesn't fit in the definition.
In any event, I think, I have figured out my problem, or the so called problem about the identity crisis that I am facing. About me being a nobody.
I think, I just can't make up my mind about what is it that I want, and what is that I want to be. Do I want to be the "tyag ki devi" types of bahu and beti.. or would I rather be the mean and the selfish kinds, not looking beyond my own interests.
The thing being, that I believe that I cannot be mean or selfish. If I am, I keep looking for ways to make up (to the person, to whom I was selfish). It is as simple as this: The husband wants to go out on a weekend to meet a friend outside the city. And he asks me, and I am like "Oh, do you have to, its the weekend." And he doesn't go.
In retrospect, when we both would look back to it, he would say, that I don't "allow" him to be. And I will retort, but I did not stop you. And he would reply back by saying, "I know, that you did not say no, and that I was free to do what I wanted, but I was not welcome to do it".
This statement because of the way it is, would take me time to understand, and then when I would finally understand this statement (or the likes of it), I would continue to swing like a pendulum thinking.. "Am the kind of wife that stifles her husband?" and on the other hand thinking "Why the fuck won't he want spend time with me? We only get the weekends" And because, in my brain there is another dimension, I would also end up thinking " But, if I have to go and do something on my own, on a holiday, he never stops me... I should be more acceptable" and then back to the square one "He lets me go, maybe because, he doesn't want to spend time with me". By the time these thoughts are processed and something comes out  of my mouth, it is totally irrelevant to the discussion at hand, and I sound like an ass, rather than someone who deals with logic day in and day out.
I end up feeling all kinds of guilt, then all kinds of frustration (why do I have spell it out every time.. its been so many years how come he doesn't know how to please me...which in a usual couple argument is often thrown back at me with the line "that I never see the glass as full")... and any action taken after such an argument leaves me even more confused, "Did he do it because he wanted to.. or because, I wanted him to?"
My emotions, and the range of thoughts are totally haywire, and maybe because, I am so dependant upon people telling me what to do, how to feel, how to react all the time, I become deranged with all the emotions. I mentally prepare a very strong speech about a certain situation, and that speech never comes out. Instead some blabbered nonsense comes out, almost like there is no connection between my brain and my vocal chords.

I hate sounding the way I sound in this post. Miserable. Confused. Angry. Antsy. And somehow plain needy. I wish I was a better person. A smarter person. But alas, this is me, And I am sorry.