Adulting 101

It is March 31 today. And I hope that all the adults who fall in the tax bracket have already made their last minute tax savings and have also decided, what to do, and what not to do in the coming year. I did mine like in the beginning of this week, and I feel thouroughly accomplaished. It was pretty last minute too, but atleast, it was not like running with a cheque like a lost chicken on 31st itself. I consider that to be adulting. Or at least a part of it.

A recent research says that millenials (like me), have a median age of 30, and they start considering themselves as adults only when they turn 30. Which is mighty interesting. Because, while I remember being 25 and carefree, I also remember turning 30 and all of a sudden, panicking becuase it felt (and still feels like) that time is slipping and now you are on the other side of time (if there is anything like that). All of a sudden you see friends (some even younger then you), who have become parents and are responsible for another human life, and you delay taking your dog to the clinic by 1 whole week, even wehn she is in pain. You see, how people are buying new cars, going for the fancy holidays, and how you can't even maintain a proper grocery list, and forget savings, you don't even know how to budget your household properly. You see people and how their life is together, and you still struggle, in keeping yourself and your sanity together.
There are of course exception to these friends. But, if I have to be honest, I know that all of them would be struggling with something or the other, but, they have that one thing that is sorted in their life. Be it their career or be it their personal life. They have something, to hold on to. Unlike, me right now, where each day is like an exam in adulting.

But what I have come to realise esapecially in the last couple of months, that there are somethings that have to become a deliberate practice for all this adulting to happen, and it does not include throwing dinner parties like an adult! Here is a tentaive list from my tiny experience, in case you are looking for one that is.

1. Expectations: None. Nil. Nada. It is very important to train yourself, that you cannot expect anything from anyone, and on some days, even from your ownself. But that is the truth of it all. And the mantra for a relationship like marriage and all the ancilliary realtionships that come along with that. You have to be your own lover, and your own person. Your married BFF will always be too involved, and if she has a child, then the tables are turned, and you have more expectations to fulfill. Your partner will probably give you a shoulder to cry, but, when life happens, love goes. You can either make your ends meet or make your expectations of romance meet.

2. Only superheroes are in Movies: In real life, you have to just save your own world, and the rest will have to wait today. Life becomes an endless loop of to-do lists, whether it is office assignments or getting things done for home.

3. Accept: The game of tell me why got over with your childhood. Somethings have to be accepted. Like the fact that despite all your persuation, you will have to attend parties on your own, and family functions by yourself. The flaws become imminent, and that is when your relationships are tested. You are some times not only supposed to take the blame for yourself and your actions, often the actions of the partner are also put on your head. Accepting that as a part of your life and moving on helps. It also helps to accept the fact that, when they say that women always assert themselves in a man-woman relationship and call the shots, it is wrong, and you as your own person, cannot judge your relationship based on that myth.

4. Choices: You have to bear the brunt of your own choices. Even if that means, choosing to put your career on the backfoot for family or your relationship. But that does not in any way mean that you have to feel bad about it. Yes, you would like to be appreciated about that fact, but that does not happen. The process to learn that your choices and the repercussions will always come to bite you of not today, but tomorrow should always weigh on your mind.

5. Letting Go: My introductory paragraphs talk about how I have measured myself against the standards and expectations with the yardstick of the society, and feel miserable about it. But the biggest process in the whole adulting scam is to let go. To just measure yourself againt your own self. I have deleted the facebook app on my phone. And that has helped immensely, and slowly I have come to realise that I need to focus on myself and just me too, and can't keep on looking at people and measuring my life. Notions have to be let go.

6. Sleep: While you want to party, and do so many things- you have to give up your sleep, and those lessons come in handy, when one has a baby.

7. Stress and worry: With Murphy working overtime to ensure that things just go wrong all the time, you are bombarded with stress- about work, career, life, relationships, money and everything under the sun. Adulting is like working under constant worry of why things go wrong because all of them go wrong, one way or the other.

Life as we know it, changes, as soon as we realise that one has to be a "responsible" adult. And while you let go of expectations, a whole load of them is put on you- always. My first tiny steps to adulting, and I wonder, what is it that they teach you in school in any case!!!  

As the Season marks change!

Fall is finally approaching.
And with the way the weather is looking, winters are gonna be long and hard this time.

The best thing about being here in Delhi is that one can actually sense a change in the weather, and can feel the nip in the air, when one steps out in evenings. A general sense of happiness is slowly descending on the city, along with unbearable traffic!

With the change in weather, there is a change in our lives too.

A sudden action by a complete third party, had put us in a precarious position, and we had been struggling with the weight of certain decisions that had to be taken. And, today, all of a sudden, there is clarity, and concrete decisions have been taken.
And, now, life is going to change.

And this time round, when we were to take our decisions, we sought a lot of wise counsel, and I personally am very thankful to all the people, who have helped us out. Who have given their genuine opinions, and have also given us their valuable time by answering questions.

There is a sea of change that this Diwali is bringing for us.

And for the festival season, I hope and pray, that you all, my readers are graced with love, properity, happiness and contentment.

Happy Diwali!

When You are 30

In your growing up years, you realise that there are challenges everyday.
Every single day during the school days was comprised of, why is it necessary for me to sit and study academic books over and above the novels that I loved.
And in later years, it was always about the pressures of the high school, while I saw my sister sailing through it all (schooling system changed, and I was the first born, hence, experiment baby, and to give her some credit, she was better than me).

In class 12th, the sole aim of life was to ensure that, I somehow meet some sort of expectations of my parents, and through my college years, I breezed through academics (because I realised that I can actually enjoy studying), however, at that point in time, I had the boyfriend and how to ensure that I have enough money to keep on have recharges in my phone to get to talk to him. Other troubling aspects included my dance class promotions, fending off marrige proposals and wondering how in the world will I end up getting a job.

World was intact when I passed law; when I told my parents about the boyfriend/husband, and I got a job, which converted into firm practice. By the time I hit my quarter life mark, I thought that things were under control. I was this over-excited, ready to please the world, and eager to move forward in career phase. The marriage did sort of spin things out of control, and the expectations of "OMG, you have to be responsible for the husband and father in law" were gifted along with the entire band, baaja, baraat. I thought that I would be able to pull this. I knew the husband for a long time, and we had battled the odds in our relationship and whatever the worls had to say, love is enough. Our first fight happened, less than a month of being married. It was a bad fight, and it broke my heart. It also made me realise that 24x7 vs a weekend here and there are different things all together. And, for two years and 3 months, I shut out the "responsibility" part. I did, only as much as I could, and as much as I wanted to (to keep my own guilt at bay). It was still a lot of roses and less of thorns. Till, we had to move from the "sarkari" to the "bhada" circle. All of a sudden there was rent to be paid, and an FIL, who had too much time on his hands (though to give him credit, he steps back when he realises that husband and I are talking angry code words).
But that was in Mumbai and it was for 1 year only!

Today, we are here. It is going to be a year in Delhi, and I turned 30. And several people (older, contemporaries) have been commenting "ha", what is age? Just a number! I too was like, so what, I am just 30. It is the new 20ies! But, then, I guess life has a plan. And for all those years, that I have shied away and shirked away from responsibility, 30 seems to be the right kind of age.
Life decided, that enough. You need to start being an Adult. And no, earning money, and paying your taxes doesn't count. So, all of a sudden, there comes a curve ball and the last 3 (three) weeks, all I (okay, we) have been doing is going from one stress to the other, one crises to the other. Just when, we got one part of our affairs in order, wham, came one blow. The moment that got somewhat sorted, wham came another.
To add to that, all of a sudden, I have too much work on my desk (which is the BEST thing), but I can feel the burn-out. I can feel like life is looking at me.
I can feel that it is waiting. To pounce.

How does, 30 become such an "age" issue? Because, between 25-29, it is about getting married. Somehow, marriage is not such a big deal. But now, all of a sudden, all (okay, almost all) of our friends have babies. People who got married as late as 2 years after us have kids and, we obviously have none (Sugar, is of course an exception), and it is weird. My BFF has a small lil prince, and while I love him to the core, it becomes weird, because parents are parents, and even though they are cool, all of a sudden, they have responsibilities and priorties that go much beyond partying and other social engagements. Even as a BFF, you become secondary. Since you don't have a baby, you are expected to visit, and keep batting questions about your own plans. While you bat those questions with other questions or the usual "hmmm", your mind goes to the biological clock that is ticking, and your doctor and your mom's voice in the head. You know things have gone over and above, when your FIL tells you that it is high time that we plan, and you smile at him, and tell him that you can't do it alone, laugh it off and move on.
You are left to question every little action of yours, cringe at the thought of reaching out to certain people because you are snubbed, or told that you are inconsiderate. You think about several other things including about the "Me" times and the "Us" times, You go to the Durga Puja and when you try celeberating with your parents, you realise that they wont, or realise that the husband still can't have a comfortable equation with people who you are close to, and that you will forever be answering the questions about the "husband, who won't socialize" and the one who still can't buy a gift.

This turning 30 business, is not turning out to be pleasant. But one can hope? right?

13 going to 30!

It even sounds weird!
"Hi, I am 30!"

I mean I know and I have heard enough about the "age is nothing but a number", but it is weird when you sit back and realise that all of a sudden, you are neither in your traumatic teens, nor in the drama twenties, but you are suddenly thirty.

It is like entering the teens. All of a sudden you are a kid and then wham bham you are teen. And in all hoensty, your twenties are usually an extension of your teeange years.You are in college when you are 18, 19, and 20 (and even more if you are in a professional course or pursuing your masters!). So you are being taken care of, you are being paid a pocket money or you are doing odd jobs to support your passions and even when you are fresh and out in the world to do a proper job, you are full of adrenaline and enthusiasm to take over the world.

Suddenly you are 25. And if you are in Delhi, that is a BIG deal because now you can officially go drinking. And by the time you end reveling in your quarter life crisis, you are 27, all of a sudden it is all about getting married (you may also be married for a year by then!). And by the time you realise that your life has suddenly changed, from the teens to the twnties, from school college to work, from single to being married (and being a parent too in some cases), you hit the thirty mark.

You are expected to grow up. To take up responsibilities like they are sacrements and always, always make sense of all the decisions that you take. Whether it is about your marriage, your family, your career, everything. It is like, from a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being the lowest), you are allowed a margin of error of (minus) 1.

Is it like changing everything overnight? No. But it surely does instil the feeling of "change". It makes you feel inadequate.
When you are 30, you tend to look back, and look back alot (or at least I do) and assess about what all have you achieved.
Unfortunately, the society has put the assessment in a straight jacket of: marriage, family, kids and career. And as you assess against these you have a panic attack, because, you are failing. If not in all, then definitely in one (and if you are the kinds who has it all- then, please share, how?).

While I have definitely not failed the complete assessment, I also know that maybe things could have been better. But, jab jaago tabhi savera!

I think, the most important thing in my life that I have done and am proud of is finding my dear darling husband. He will disagree to say that, we fight like maniacs, so how can he be my best find? The fact of the matter is that, while I assess my life in the societal straight jacket, I am grateful to have found someone who is willing to change the norms, and who is willing to question everything (it does get annoying.. but..) . It makes life a little bit more exciting when we have a million apps to satiate our hunger for binge TV watching or when we just take the car and find ourselves at places like bhootgaon!
Of course life is up and down and I am not particularly happy about reaching an age where I am judged because my uterous has aged more, and us having kids has become a conversation starter. But, I am here now and I can't really help it!

I think, what I take back from my last 30 years is that while I have effectively changed as a person, from being totally hopelessly unsatisfaioed, angry teenager to a little less of the same, I am slowly becoming into my own person. I am blooming maybe a couple of years late. But I am blooming. From cooking awesome food, to learning how to argue better (respond and not react), from realising that mornings have always been under-rated (especially post the rains!) and that exercising should have been started at least 2 years ago.. from the emotional, and financial mess to trying to untangle the mess by taking control of things.. it seems that there is a lot of catching up to do. All the things (including relationships) that have been taken for granted need to be rebuilt. And these are the tasks that have been cut out for me/Us!
One more task that is just for me, is to learn patience and satisfaction. There is no dirth of things that are happening with people in my so call friend list, and I need to stop assessing my life against them. I need to learn the art of letting go, and embracing whatever comes my way. Another thing that I have to learn and accept is that even with the closest of people you can't expect them to completely change and/or adjust to yourself, there has to be a middle ground. Maybe it is time to get into meditation, and to move towards a little bit more stillness. And by that I mean, grounding your emotions to train your mind to not have oscillating emotions. To think through situations and to really be able to assess the consequences of the words coming out of my mouth. To be less angry, less unsatisfied.
This would be like a emotional rehab for me, I may lapse and re-lapse into my old patterns, but I have to try. I have to be a better person, a more solid person, because it seems that, this is what is holding me behind and has husband doubting my skills to be a grown up.

While, I try to be zen, I will also try to dance to on the crazy songs, just to remind myself that life maybe a struggle, but as kids, the most we worried about was the homework and the vacations, and how life was simpler.

Happy 30th to me!

3.0

Has it been 10 years since I entered my twenties? It seems like yesterday. And as cliched as it sounds, it does seem like yesterday. And it has been half a decade since I discovered that when you hit your quarter life mark, you don't grow wings either.

I remember my 20th Birthday to the extent that I still have the collage that the sister had lovingly made for me. We had it framed and it hung proudly in my erstwhile room. I call it erstwhile, not because I am married but because the character of that room has also changed. And that change had begun exactly a year back. I surprised my parents and they surprised me back. The layout of that room and the furniture of that room had always kept me grounded, and always reminded me of the times and nights that I had spent there weaving my dreams. Now most of it is with me in my house (pati ka ghar) because I am in NCR. Including that collage- Which hangs on a wall above our bed. It is quite a placement, because on the other side of the bed is another collage that I had made on our first marriage anniversary. So when I stand on the foot of my bed, I can actually, physically see the change in the circle and see the times that have gone by and the people who I have lost on the way to death.

Apart from the BFF, the only other constant has been the Husband and I have to give it to him, I am not an easy person to deal with, and he has done it. Not only did he date me, but about 6 years back on my birthday eve, he proposed to me. We were going through all the pictures the other day on the ipad, and just as 2010 was getting over, I was like oh, after this I wont be in any pictures, only to realise that, we have been together from 2005! So yeah, my Mr. constant, and my support and my everything too!

So now, a decade later, a week to my 30th Birthday, I have been forced to sit and think about life. It has been more than a decade since I turned 18, and while the world has turned upside down, I have never assessed what I have achieved on adulting!

Whenever we have gone for job interviews, and otherwise also, we have often been advised to make life plans and life goals and garner satisfaction from achieving those goals that have been made and ticked on the "Goal List". What they don't tell you is that when life happens, the goals get fucked.

I also had a life plan. And according to that life plan, I would have had reached a point in my career where I was the boss or atleast someone senior, and that I would have had a family (kids), and a house and whatever the best version of a happily after. And trust me when I say that none of the life goals have been achieved.
I had thought that 20ies was when one struggled, and that by the time the third decade rolls in, there would be stability.

But, life happened my friends. While my BFF is settling down in a family as per her plan (yeah baby and all), we are on a completely different planet. The questions have become so uncomfortable that, I avoid unnecessary spending time at my parents. And when I have to be there, I have to change subjects because, I have no answer to their question of stability.

Life is becoming like a dark alley without a light where I am groping in the dark trying to make sense of things. I am not completely disheartened, I am just tiring down. It is like a never ending road.

I don't know, whats happening any more, and I hate the fact that I am almost 30 and I still can't control whats happening in my life.

My crazy antics, and my stupidity are the only thing that are keeping me sane, but, now life calls me to be always serious, 30 after all is a responsible age. Just about it. Or so I guess.

As I countdown (in my head) to my 30th Birthday, Madcap Loon's advice keeps pestering me- Age is nothing but a number. For men maybe. But for women, 30 is a psycological mark. It is when we start using the anti-ageging creams, and it is when we the society starts telling you that you have missed the turn, and that you better hurry and hope that your child is healthy when you have him/her. This is also an age when however hard you try, even air makes you fat and then it takes you forever to shed it off, when you need a full night's sleep to recover from a late night party and all of a sudden there are friends who seem all grown up, and make you feel juvinile.

I don't regret the last 29 years of my life in any manner, I do believe in whatever happens, happens for the best. But, in the next decade, I think, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be less stressed. I want to be more settled, and I want to be at peace.
And all of this- I want with the Husband.

Let us see, from here, where life goes!

The Neigbourly Love

I grew up in a "colony" in Delhi. For the uninitiated a colony in Delhi is a block, where the houses are tightly packed and the community values are really strong. We had moved into the colony about 40+ years back, and most of the neighbours are known to us since time immemorial.

I had been the poster child for most of the neighbours. Because, me being me, I used to go with my grandma to all the local temple functions and kirtans, and also the local aunties and their kitty parties (with both Dadi and Ma). Most of the "grandparent"- type figures in the colony were my grandparents' friends and loved my Dad and his siblings like their own (since of course they saw them grow up, attending their weddings, and also saw their kids grow up and attended our weddings as well!!! and we also of course attended the weddings and played with the smaller kids when we were growing up).

However, I never really thought that, all this neighbourly love will backfire on me!

So while I was unmarried, a lot of questions were thrown at my Dadi and Ma about when? Luckily, my Dadi was a very strong woman and she would shut her mates up by telling them that "Let he first get settle" and as chance would have it I got married at the "suitable age". That satisfied the world at large.
But now, the neighbourly love is back again. And unfortunately, my Dadi is no more, and even if she had been alive, this time she would have actually pursued the agenda of the neighbours too (like Ma is currently doing). The agenda is "Kids".
One of the neighbours stopped my Dad the other day (or so I have been told) and asked him "Are you Nana, yet?"
And the other one apparently told my Ma, that "How is it that she has gained so much of weight on her ass?.. how will she have a baby? and.. she has been married for so long... why don't you push her?"
I laughed it off when Ma told me all of this on phone. I was cringing on the inside and seething too.

It is hard to make people understand. Okay strike that off, WHY DO I NEED TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND?
Well, in all honesty, I never thought that I would be made answerable like this by all the neighbourly love. I had definitely thought that I was above this.. but as it happens in our society no one is above the societal norms. I also understand that this may be a way of my mother telling me to hurry up already.

The whole idea of having kids, and being responsible for a tiny little life is daunting. And to be honest, I can't make the decision alone, and nor do I plan to raise them by myself. While I understand that my biological clock is like a ticking "time-bomb", I also know that this decision will bomb my relationship with the husband if it is a forced one.

The almost 30 years old me feels like I a 3 year old being reprimanded from everywhere. C'mon how fair is that?
Like I said, this adulting business is killing me. 

Nodus Tollens

July has been particularly a cruel month. Yes, I am using the word cruel. Not tough, not exasperating but cruel.
The Husband turned 31 in the first week of July, and it was nothing short of shoddy from my side. From giving him no gift, to writing him a birthday note on a piece of my office stationery. It was bad. The only saving grace was that I cooked. And cooked my heart out in the past few weeks. From fancy iced cakes to desserts which looked absolutely awesome, I can cook baby.

The amount of adulting that has happened in the last 3.5 odd weeks is nothing short of adulting on steroids. I have been dealing with A.C guys non stop. And the amount of shouting that I have been doing because of the shoddy job that they are doing still makes my head spin.
I have been stuck in traffic jams both while travelling to and back from office, practically crying because I want to give up on this and on the other hand thanking my stars that my job is actually not bad considering the last three years.
I have been busy in office. Like SUPER busy.

For the first time since taxes have been filed for me (by my Dad) it seems that I shall be making a payment to the IT department. And so is the Husband. "Mera Desh Badh Raha hai..aage badh raha hai".
Taxes spell money, and well, if I have to spell it out for the world: Then we are some trouble, Mister. But because, "Halki Plulki si zindagi hai, bhojh to sirf khwaaishon ka hai" (Credit: Piyush Mishra); I will stop wrting about this right here.

The BFF had a baby boy. I was still recovering from her announcement, and then the Godbharai and the Baby Shower, and boom, her little prince just came. This is too close to home, It is not only her, but at least three other friends in the close circle who are having babies (in the next couple of months). All of them (including the BFF) were married a year or two after me. So, obviously, all I hear from my mother dear is "Are you ever going to have a baby?". I have in this steroidal phase of course learnt to let go, and stop registering the complaints any longer. Because, that is exhausting.

Talking about exhaution and friends, (I have just 1 friend per se), the rest are friends (Okay I have 5 friends.. who are my mainstay). Some only for benefits and with expectations and conditions attached with them. But because, we are social butterflies (or caterpillars or whatever the fuck!), I make the effort to stay in touch. To call, to message and of course to FB. How many times have I sat and wondered why should I make the effort. Why should I be the bigger person, only to realise (from their FB feeds) that the "friends" have their own social circles and they really don't care if we are in them or not because they have the others.
We on the other hand, hardly have any. And thus, we have to maintain our friendships. Not them.
It gets exhausting. If not uncomfortable for the person on who we are forcing the friendships.

And then I have "Altschmerz", the weariness with the same old issues that I have always had. The same boring flaws and anxieties that I have gnawing at.
Is the Husband Happy? What, did I do now? Oh fuck, Husband has diabetes.. and he wont listen to me. I am doomed. (You get the drift)

I am almost 30. And, I have no idea about where I am. We we are (as a family). I keep jumping about trying to do the right thing (whatever that is), and always trying to balance the scales. Sometimes I want to just give up on everything and cry in a corner about what the fuck is happening. And why the hell can I not get a control of things.
Hence, Nodus Tollens "The realization that the plot of my life doesn't make sense anymore"

Celor ce duc mai mult dorul,le pare mai dulce odorul

This is a romanian proverb. The google translator gives it a weird meaning, but in essence it means that "Absence Sharpens Love, Presence Strengthens it"

While we were dating, we were apart for about 5 years. Hell, we started our relationship on a virtual platform, and the amount of times that I read first half of the quote to calm my head and heart, I can't even count. When we were together (at times meeting for a couple of days once in a year), we wanted to be inseparable but at that point in time we would hardly take any risks and told lies that were beyond our control.
The first time he came to meet me, about 8 months after we had started dating, three bombs went off in Delhi, and one of them was at a hotel 500 meters away from the one he was staying at. We had known each other for 8 months. I had met him for the first time EVER in my life, and I felt crushed, when those bombs went off and I could not reach him. It was probably also the moment that I must have realised that I am totally madly in love with him.
I also remember the times when Ma (his Mom) used to call me just to get herself reassured that I had indeed spoken to him, and the confidence with which I used to reply to her while my heart was in a flutter (because I had obviously not spoken to him and I did not want to worry her). And then, the struggle to find him all over his college (I am so thankful to all his friends who used to do the legwork for me!) only to find that he is playing a stupid LAN game.

I remember the first time ever when he came to Delhi to work, and how every other day, when I used to leave for college, and eventually bunking it to spend the day with him, holed up in his house coaxing him to cook for me, watching some movies on his laptop, and just being with each other.

While I enjoy the perks of being married, I do miss the quintissential times of our dates at his house or the movies. The fact that we just could not have enough of each other.

I still worry about him. A lot. For when he tells me that he is leaving his office in 20 mins, and he doesn't reach home even after an hour, I get worried sick and call him. Even if I try to put my head to other things and not think about the time, I end up calling him. We have had numerous arguements about his track record of keeping a track of time. While I trust him and his driving skills, my heart is usually in my throat when he is driving and driving fast. Poor guy has heard so many "Jaan, careful" while he is driving that I often feel bad. But, I am just worried about him.
Or more so worried about us.
Okay, about me. (for obvious reasons)

We have been together for so long that people (and I believe, him too) feel that the novelty has worn off and that things can be taken for granted. Yes, things like farting around each other can be taken for granted, but I just cannot think of taking him or my relationship with him for granted. He does happen to be my universe (and I wish he would know that), and that every little thing that I do or say, is because of my love for him (and a little selfishness too). And each hug for me from him, even after so many years is as exciting as the first one, almost 11 years back. I just wish that he was not so wary of my love. 

Responsibilities, Opportunities and all that Jazz!!

I could not wake up today.
I did wake up at 7 a.m, because Big Basket came to deliver us some groceries, but I ended up taking another 20 mins nap thereafter.
Waking up at 6 a.m shall be tried again tomorrow morning.

Last night the husband and I conversed about opportunities. Mostly spanning the opportunities vis- a -vis the careers and the responsibilities that get associated with onesself when you do end up taking an opportunity, even when you are not ready for it.

It is quite a catch 22 situation, when you are being given a chance (by some play of destiny) to advance your career, and you also realise that you are not quite ready to take on to that role. However, this chance of destiny may or may not come again.

This also made me realise that, I have never faced this situation, but, if I do, I will probably not even think logicaly through it and I will require my darling husband to be a rock for me, and that is exactly what he is looking at me for. Being his rock.
And I really really do want to be his anchoring point, and I am trying my best to be.

We may not excel at handling the situations that are thrown our way, but with each experience and with each catch 22 sitiuations, we do learn and we do grow, both as individuals and as a couple.

The journey though tiring, is exhilirating. It is like finding new ways to love and hate each other!!

A lifetime of madness, and another life time yet to come!

It has been a lifetime since we have been together.

I can't put a year on it any more because if life is to be divided in phases, then mine is Before You and With You. I am glad that there is no other phase.

I spent my childhood dreaming about a prince charming and the quintessential white horse, the picket fence and the happily ever after. I got you.
And I got my life back.

Because life is not about a happily ever after, it is about finding your own happiness, in the moments that are a part of your living breathing life. One can imagine/ have imaginary conversations in situations one day dreams about while doing everything, but real life is different from the imaginary conversations and interactions.

I have gone on and on, on this blog about how we met, and even today when people  ask me about our "love story", I laugh, blush and tell them about our online love story. This doesn't happen too much now, but whenever the question is asked it does take me back to all those years that have gone by and the resilience with which we have managed to keep our relationship intact. We have been friends, lovers, haters and now miya and biwi!

Our earliest struggles were just trying to get enough talk time with each other (and thank God, the signal did not suck that bad back then), and now our struggles are trying to find quality time with each other.
We are so stuck in our daily chores and life in general that even though we stay under the same roof, the conversations often don't go beyond the obvious. The whole of the last year was spent hoping to find some time with you.
But then I guess, when you are moving up with life and in your career, you have to make difficult choices.

We were teenage lovers once, we are married adults now, and while the enigma of being lovelorn teenagers always remains with you, the beauty of a long relationship gives you the satisfaction of the way love works rather how you make love work for you. It is the best feeling.

There is a lifetime more of love, struggles, fights and god only knows what, but we have each other, and we have held on, and I am confident that like the years gone by, the years yet come will bring us closer to our own version of a happily ever after!

Happy 11 years, love.

Demons of the Past

Just because I don't say it, acknowledge it publicly doesn't mean that these demons don't eat me.

My fathers' elder brother died at the age of 48. He died on June 26, 2003. I was just about 16. He was the best bade papa ever. My childhood was mostly spent at his house, because he had a daughter who was my age. She was 5 months younger to me, but we were inseparable, often called as twins. We had the same hair, wore the same clothes, and till we hit puberty, we had similar builts as well. Chubby.

She committed suicide almost 11 months after he died. We were expecting our 12th results at that point in time. I had given an entrance exam on that day and as a matter of fact she was to come and spend the night at our house that night. She did not turn up. She said that she had things to do. From what I have heard, every thing was normal till there was some argument and then she went into her room and hung herself from the fan. But I know that she was depressed. She was inconsolable after her father's death. I was not particularly available during that time. Studies you see.
In case you are wondering, a part of me does blame myself for not being there. For not recognizing the signs and yes even for a death.

I saw her the next morning. Lying in the hospital. In a vegetative state. On a ventilator. I had told my father that day that I was willing to give away my life if that is required to keep her just alive.
She was declared dead a day or two later.

Her birthday is on January 25 and her father's on January 26. She would have turned 29 this year. He would have been 61.

We, me, are still reconciling with the deaths of these two people, which broke us. Broke the family, broke our spirits, and changed everything. You know why?
Because, my darling bade papa just refused to take his medicines. He decided not make the minor changes that were required in order to control his diabetes. Diabetes, like it is widely known cannot be cured. You have to take your medicines, have some control on your diet and include about 30 minutes of walking. But he would not budge.

We told him. We pleaded with him. We cried. We prodded. Even got intervention. But nothing helped. he continued to stubbornly not follow the doctor's orders. And in the end, he suffered for 1.5 months in an ICU undergoing dialysis and left us all, with an empty space that hurts when I see the old pictures, remember the Birthdays, the anniversaries and them missing.

Sleep that refuses to come during those phases. The uneasiness of loss, that has happened, and the one that may happen.
It is the pain that no one will understand, because each one of us has their own memories and pain. My Bua, who his fraternal twin, would never feel whole again (that is a twin thing), my father doesn't have an elder brother to call his own... I lost my own twin, my best friend, my soul mate and the only other person apart from the husband who knew all my secrets. The husband still doesn't know me that much.

All this happened, because one person decided that the rest were all fools.

And then, there is also a phrase, that history does repeat itself, and I see the other half of my soul being ripped away because of the same effortless jaunting.

If my past haunts me, that is because the present is imitating my past. And, this time, I will break, never to recover. 

FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!

This is Marriage.. for you!

After a slew of depressing posts about, how things are after the Shaadi, and how dreams are being bartered, and all of that, I thought, why not write a post reinstating the faith in a relationship called marriage. After all one has to find that glass with water which is half full and all that..

The inspiration for this post came from Su's Tumbling Thoughts to World (it is almost like old times) and so here it goes:

The Husband and I have been married for a little around 2.5 years; and we have been together for more than a decade. But the deal is, being together and dating is a completely different ball game than being married. And, believe me when I tell you that, people change after marriage.

And, I have figured why does this happen, or so I hope (I am just trying to be helpful here).. So once you get married.. the Shit becomes real.

All of a sudden, you become adults and you have to take the decisions that matter and that impact your life. You can't just pick up a pair of shoes at random (unless of course you are uber rich), or for that matter any indulgence just start looking like that: An indulgence.
You are constantly thinking either food or money.
And, if you are not thinking about those two things then you are definitely thinking about the house hold help (trust me, even if you are uber rich, you can't escape this one!!).

All of your decisions have a tangible result, which will either be before you in a short period of time or which will eventually impact you.
So, now think about this:
When you know, and understand and learn with experience that all your actions will have some kind of tangible repercussions, you  grow up.

And, when you grow up, you change.
You start hanging out with a different set of friends, you would probably thinking healthy over binge, and yes, your career choices also get affected.
And trust me, when you are staying with your in laws, then there is a different lifestyle issue that you have to face!
Like it took me a little over 2 years to actually start wearing a swim suit around my FIL. (Yeah that sound weird, but, if I have to go swimming, then I have to wear a swimsuit.. right?? So, not like, I am wearing a bikini and roaming around the house sorts!!). It was quite difficult on family holidays, because Husband would insist and I would always reject his idea.. (and I am all for women power).

You make a hell lot of adjustments .. but at the end of the day, when you crawl into the bed with the one person, your spouse, you realise that it is worth it.
When you hug your spouse, and make love, and you know, that despite the fights, the tantrums and all that jazz, the next morning, that one person is always going to be there for you, despite your ownself, that is the kind of security, a good marriage gives you.

Like Su says, just look for that right thing in your better half (or your worst half) and you are set for life. Like, I know, that despite everything, in the middle of the night, if I wake up, I am on one tiny little corner flanked by the person I love the most, making sure that I don't fall.

This is marriage for you!

Busy Bee

The Husband has been just too busy.

It has been like that for, I don't know how long now. I mean there are days when he will call me at 6 pm and tell me that he is on hi way home, but mostly those are the days, when he is having a back ache or when he has some launch ceremony he knows that he has to watch and being in office will interfere with his watching of the event. 

The irony of the entire thing is that he is super happy being busy; and that sort of leaves me out in the whole deal. 

I do remember the glass of wine that we had together (it was last night only!), but then I was busy getting things ready for the office next day, and Husband was on his phone/ laptop/ or was that the Ipad.. (see, I did not even notice); and the only thing that we ended up talking about was who would be eliminated in the Master Chef Australia episode. 

Where is the time to talk? 

I sort of devised a plan and I usually write e-mails to the Husband during the day or probably talk to him trough messages.. but that is not really an alternative, because he is so so busy in office, it is often hours and hours before he replies to either a mail or a message. And by that time, the whole purpose of that mail or the message is gone. 

I don't remember the last time we talked talked, because mostly when we talk talk, then it erupts into a fight. It seems that we are mostly fighting. 

Maybe that is the reasons why we are avoiding the talking talking!

A little TLC goes a long long way in a relationship and I miss being the centre of his attention.. it is so divided that it is not even funny!  

Edited to add: I opened FB only to find that his cover photo been changed into a picture taken at his office with his office mates. Giving him the benefit is the fact that he is actually looking really nice and happy in the picture!

The Good Wife

I had been contemplating a post with this title for a long long time, and finally, something pushed me to start writing this.
Procrastination is my second nature, the first being lazy/sleepy!
There is a to-do list that is always running through my mind, and trust me when I say that I have more excuses then ever to convince myself that I can postpone all the tasks to some other days.

Let us be honest here (this probably is the only platform, where I don't have to pretend!); I am not HAPPY. And, no it has nothing to do with the Husband; and EVERYTHING to do with me.

There are 10 thousand things that I want to accomplish in a day, but then I end up doing NOTHING. Yes, practically nothing.
Forget, the things that are high-aimed for; but simple tasks like:
- Unpacking the boxes in the new house;
- having a neat and tidy room;
- just setting the house in general;
- deciding what to eat (yes, that is also a task);
- I "would" love to cook for the Husband, and I have a million ideas to do that, but NEVER have I executed those;
- Taking Sugar out for a walk is also such a task, most of the time I do not have the energy, and more than most of the time I do not have the inclination to take her down.

I am always out of energy, always being lazy and always, always am constantly thinking about things that are going wrong and never ever put forth a solution that makes any sense.

I do not know or understand if I have completely lost the ability to rationalise? Or for that matter, I never had the ability to do so in the first place.

I am so single dimensional, that no wonder the Husband is amazed at the way that I take decisions. I start a thing, an initiative, and then don't see it through.

The lack of commitment and passion in me, amazes myself as well.

In the last 2.5 years that I have been in Mumbai, I am currently on my 3rd job; there is an amazing lack of stability in my professional life as well. Again, sane decisions are not being made. There are just more and more rash, and no so thought through decisions that are being made.
I want to be able to get up each morning with hope and happiness, to look forward to a day well spent, to be able to actually have time in hand to have breakfast on the table with the Husband, to be able to get dressed properly, or for that matter, just able to put in some exercise in my schedule (I am just getting fatter by the day); I want to be able to apply my mind to things and situations, to do my work with passion and have fun doing it [somehow post the stint with PC, I have not been able to get that satisfaction].
My therapist has told me that there are no guarantees in life that I should have an open mind, and despite that kind of thing, it seems that, I am unable to come to terms with the "jobs"; that I have been doing.
Am I not listening to my instincts?! I DO NOT know. But I am definitely running away from things.. I ran away from the I Job because of the "fuck all boss" [which is a proven fact; none of the people reporting to him are happy; and post my leaving the job, I have been categorically told that I was being targeted (and of course money was a BIG concern)] but then, I did have a lot of fun working for various departments.
I am feeling stuck and stuffed again.
I am keeping a strong exterior, keeping a smile on my face, while I do the menial jobs of administrating the damn law firm, a task that I "thought", that I would be able to do it along with the legal work. Not something that I am proud of.

I don't even know who I am any more. The identity crisis continues as I juggle being a "Good Wife"; which I know for sure that I am not.
I am so fucking (yeah, I have come down to abuses now) tired of all the struggle, to find that balance, to find that happiness [Trust me when I saw that the best best thing in the world at the end of the day is the Husband Hug with a jealous do trying to intervene], to find that passion for my dreams, to know and understand all over again that the world is my oyster; and I have just begun.

But, I just can't keep on re-assuring myself over and over and over again on a superficial front when deep down under I can just see myself failing over and over again. I am constantly cranky, worried, and absolutely lost.

While I live life; I am not sure that I am being me.  

Instructions to the Husband!

So this is what I want you to do,

Today when you come home,

Look in my eyes,

Deeply, to see my soul, my heart,

That craves for you;

Lean in to me,

Taste my lips, savour them,

A taste that you love,

Igniting a thousand throes,

Of passion in you, and,

In me;

Push me back, away from,

Your face, look at me,

Again,

Tracing your fingers,

On my face, committing to memory,

The face that you loved,

Love still;

With your thumb,

Rub off the black kohl,

The red lipstick,

Colour my face with your,

Passion;

Open my mane,

Freeing it from the bounds,

Of the hair tie, that holds them

Back,

Let them tumble down;

Now, peel off that dress,

Slowly,

Soaking in my skin, my limbs,

Not as beautiful as before,

But still yours,

Now and Forever;

And finally, love me,

Hold me, make us feel,

Like one,

Like the fire works,

In the night sky!

Oh baby,

Make me yours, own me,

All over again!!

Bombay 3.0

And it begins again!

The third year in the city of dreams was realised with some drama and a Party. We had just returned from a super awesome trip to Lakshadweep and Chirstmas and New Year were brought in with the retirement of the FIL. It was a chocobloc calendar of house guests and exhausting office politics. A deadly mix of in-laws from Calcutta, my dog and my parents! (One can only imagine the lengths that we had gone into to ensure that my baby doggie and my mom aren’t face to face! Dad met her and was pretty overwhelmed with her jumping capabilities!)

So in total Punjabi style, the Retirement Party preparations began. There was obviously a dance performance that was to happen, and with the Husband’s cousins and my own baby sister we prepared two songs in like less than 72 hours. There was a lot of food that was being cooked in the house, and I had no idea what was happening when and how! Eventually, on the day of Party after getting all the girls ready, I managed to get ready and be there on time (quite a feat for me!).

There were a lot of emotional speeches, and there was one “super drunk husband” speech, which I think is going to become a legendary running joke in the family. Oh, and in case you all were wondering, there was alcohol and a DJ at the party and you can conclude that the party was more Punjabi than Bengali!

Once the Party was over, all gifts opened and the guests seen off, the reality of what had happened came down to hit us hard. We had less than 2 months to hunt for a house, to move in and get settled. All the while struggling with the major set back on the career front.

The ex-I- Office had become a hell hole with the looming cloud of negativity. While, I had a set of my girls and some really great friends at office in general, the bosses were being bitches and honestly speaking all we could talk about the whole day was “how shitty was shetty today”. Of course, in all true honesty, Shetty did not like me, and that meant a fuck all appraisal with no real salary increment and the negative attitudes, it was but obvious that I shall be looking to change. And change I did, to a law firm called TLP.

All the law firms are in Nariman Point. And hence I am now in Nariman Point. We have moved houses towards the northern suburbs, and that means I am travelling three hours each day to and from work.

Really, what did I expect out of the third year in this city?

Considering that it is the city where dreams come true, I can with utmost confidence say that so far as the career related dreams go, I have been cheated. Thrice, now.

Okay, I am in the teetrhing period of the new job, but then, it seems that, instead opf growing, I am getting more confused with my career choices. My shrink had told me that there are no guarantees in this world, especially in the job world, and now with renewed hope that eventually dreams will be realised, I get up at 6 am and trudge to work!

So, the third year starts.

Stuck in traffic

I am in Delhi for another whirlwind of a weekend, wherein the moment I blink it will get over and I will be back k to Mumbai.
This has become a weird routine, I land in Delhi more dejected than excited because I know that I will have to go back.
The weird thing being that I want to go back to my husband. To my dog and even though arguably it's not our house, still the four walls which currently are home. Then a week 10 days follow when I am still home hungover and as soon as life is slightly normal it's time to come back here again.
This time and the rest of the planned trips this year involve the husband (but not the dog, sadly) and it is fun.
Sometimes I wonder what if had we been in Delhi then would we have saved the travel expenses for at least the trips here? But knowing us, we would have spent it travelling elsewhere but then that would have been travelling delight for us.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we move outside the country.. I will probably die of longing for coming back home of seeing my parents and my dadi ma. Of missed family functions and birds, deaths and weddings.
And then when the husband tries to take a concrete step towards this moving.. I dissuade him, wondering if our adventure of staying away has already ended.. And it is time to find feet on the ground.
I am swinging between the idea of having an international stint where I can let go, cook for the husband actually take care of the house maybe have a kid also there and he can be a national of that country and the idea of biting the dust to familiarity of everyday life.
Funny thing is that I was not that adventurous when I was unmarried.
Marriage does have its weird side effects.

Scared

You normally don't say, 

when things don't go according to,

how you state, 

you silently brood,

mostly buried in your phone.

So, when you do burst, 

like a volcano, active, 

after being dormant, 

you make for a scary sight,

taking your fury out,

with a full might.

I don't know,

what ticks you off any more, 

maybe that is the reason, 

why I don't say anything, 

any more. 

I want to tell you,

that I ain't feeling loved, 

it doesn't mean, that you haven't loved me,

before, 

but off late, there is no love, 

anywhere, anymore.

I get angry, 

I burst out, right there, 

making sure that I am heard, 

and then like it starts, 

all that anger subsides,

because, there is no respite, 

from things as to how you want,

without letting me in, 

in your world now.

There are things that I wish to share,

but then when I turn to you, 

I stare, 

at the backside of the ipad, 

when you are enjoying your "me time", 

leaving me to wonder, 

if at all, there is ever going to be,

some time slotted, 

for "us", for the time being. 

You care for your sanity, 

I care for sanctity, 

of a relationship that enjoins two people,

in love, health, sickness, and loneliness. 

I start to speak, 

wondering if you would care,

to listen to more complaints of the, 

love that lacks, 

without the blame, that,

I have forgotten the past, 

your anger, 

the brood scares me, 

again,

and I shut up. 

Only to stare at the back of the,

ipad,

Yet again!