Wednesday, March 30, 2016

How to be a smart Person

There is neither an exclamation next to it, nor is there a question. This is an open ended "Phrase" for me and this has been bugging me for quite a while. Let us just say that I did not give it much thought in the bygone years, but of late this phrase it seems is popping up everywhere around me.

The reason that I decided to write about this was because last Saturday I had (another) dinner party at my house and this time round we had my side of the (extended) family over. Amongst the various family members was my sister in law (she is the wife of my first cousin) and who has THREE kids. I kid you not, three kids. 2 girls and 1 boy (Girl (8)- Boy (6) and then again a Girl (3)). And she is practically raising them up all by herself because my brother is mostly travelling for work. She has shifted countries twice with all of her kids and 4 times since her first baby.
And her kids throw no tantrums, and neither is she running behind them, shouting at them. She is definitely talking to them.

SIL is an Indian American, and unlike the touchy ones (and also because she spent like 4 years in Mumbai) she is not picky about the water that these guys are drinking now or what they are eating. My nephew had chips, dahi, Kulcha and Bhindi for dinner. They also ate a lot of Nachos and chips and all the junk. But all I heard her tell them was, "C'mon guys.." (firm but polite, and she did not blast off when they still had a couple of more). The kids played inside with my sister and other guests while she was chilling. And here is the thing: The kids (all of them) were ailing. These guys had landed a day before from London, and the youngest was running fever, the eldest had just recovered from her fever and the nephew had some rashes. But barring the youngest, who was slightly clingy at first and then got cheery when she was given gifts, the other two did not cling to their Mom, or go about "Mommy.. mommy.. mommy".
She is a full time Mom and a home maker. She is always dressed properly, and she did not have any help from any of the specialised "Kids Maids/ Jahpaas" even when two out of her three kids were born in India.

All the birthday parties are planned to the T. There are things that she continues to do with the kids to engage them constantly and they party like mad as well.

Yes, you can say that I am smitten by her. I am in awe of the way she has handled are home and her three kids. She is probably the only one amongst my cousins to whom I look at when I think about having kids.

Yes, I also agree that I do not know how her kids are at home on most of the days, but I also know that on all the occasions that I have met the kids, they have been fun, and not like the typical kids that one encounters.

She being the way she is and how she handles and has been handling everything is complimented by everyone in the family and when I discussed this with the Husband, the reply I got was "Because she is smart and you are not". That hit home.
I was NOT offended. But it definitely raised my antennas, because, I want to be that smart. But I don't know how.
I don't know how is she able to cope with her Husband constantly not being around on a day to day basis, I on the other hand have trouble sleeping when my Husband is working late (I have improved a lot). I also wonder, if that is a contributing factor too in the whole thing. Meaning, since her Husband is not around that much, she has to take the decisions, and just do the stuff, and there is no second guessing or questions. Also, I wonder, whether not having an interfering family (in laws and parents included) makes a difference too?

I am sort of organized, but I am very lazy. I am always second guessing the decisions that I take, and often I take the decisions based on certain know how, and maybe they are not as logical as a computer program is (or for that matter, Math is); and there are just too many people to answer for all the decisions that I want to take.
I understand that I need to also become less dependent on my Husband. I know for a fact that if a thing needs to be done, then it needs to be done, and I would rather do it than prod him to do it which is like waste of energy. But then the feeling of " I am giving more and he doesn't care" get built in to the psyche as well. So how does one get over, and around all these feelings and family pressures, so that one is able to have happier and healthier environment?

I am not even getting into the whole relationship and staying with in laws scenario, because, the in laws that she has are very different. Plus, they are more American than Indian.
So, how does one inculcate the smartness in themselves??

Monday, March 21, 2016

The Dinner Parties

The Husband and I have become "that kind of couple", you know the ones who just love to host a dinner party or two or three or maybe even more at our house. It is something that I have seen my parents doing through out my years at their house.

We would always have some one or the other over to our house couple of times in a month. There were at least two dinners a month. And as the accessibility of the restaurants etc became more the dinner parties were shifted outside the house to them or to our trusty club.
But, it was always the highlight of the year the lunches/ dinners and even high teas that we had at our house. The successful completion of that was a sense of euphoria.

Now that I am married, and we have our own space to call our friends, and in the last 3.5 years, that has been an exhilarating experience to say the least!
We had our first dinner party in March 2013 (Wow)! It was also to break into the friend circle once again, and to put ourselves on the social scene. And the rest like they say is history.

The whole process of selecting a menu appropriate for guests, to the drinks, to get the house in order and to ensure that everything on that day is perfect is like a personal project for me and I make sure that it becomes a project for the Husband as well.

We do have our disagreements, but at the end of the day when our guests leave happy, it makes it all worth it!

We actually hosted a couple of friends the last weekend and now we have a major project of hosting my family in the coming week. This is important because, yesterday, I finally opened the last box in the house (it was my own clothes) and it will be the first time since we have moved back that I will be having my family over. It is not that they have not come to my house before in Mumbai, or that they have not seen my hospitality.. but in Delhi, it is a different feel altogether. It is closer to home and my heart.
I am so proud to have my Husband on the same page for having friends and family over. We may have our differences but this is one thing that we both love and do it with all the team work and love that we have!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Because I am a Woman!

It is the International Women's Day.
I have worn a saree to work. The Indian forward feminists may say that a western outfit would have been more fitting, since we fight about women being suppressed by the attire prescribed by the society (read: anything which is western/ non-Indian). But I think our fight with the society is "Shut the fuck up, and stop judging me by what I wear".

But I don't want to talk about the bigger picture today, like I did last year. Today, as a woman,  I want to talk about my own struggles. The small battles that I fight with myself as I try to grapple with the world.  Maybe next year when I look back to this post, my battles would have changed, but I would want to re- read about the road and the thoughts that I had in my mind. Or I may just never re visit this post. But, then I am a woman, and I am the epitome of being unpredictable. So here goes.


Dear "You - are- almost -thirty" Self,

How has the move to Delhi been? You have been here about 3 odd months (or lil more or less, I guess) and you lost your grand ma, and have moved to NCR. Despite knowing the fact that unless you get a job near your home, come what may you will be travelling. A lot. And so you are. The good thing being that Delhi is travel worthy and Mom's home is stone throw away from office!

You love your new house. Its spacious and has balconies all around it. Even though there is dampness on the walls, you love coming back to your house and not the cramped apartment in Goregaon.

You have gained a lot of weight, and even though you don't say it, you hate it and are looking for a miracle to happen. A miracle by the name of motivation and energy that pushes you to wake up in the morning. It just doesn't seem to happen.

You have been attending weddings in a row, and while you are exhilarated at the whole wedding socializing, admit it; its tiring. Especially because, the Husbands doesn't like it. So he skips it, and all evening you see couples around, and miss him and make up excuses of his absence. Sometimes you wish he would not make it so difficult. But then he is he. When was the last time he made it any easier for you?

Your best friend is having a baby. Two other friends are having babies too. Couple of other have also either had their babies or are in the process. You are on the other hand bombarded with expectations because obviously you are a woman and your biological clock it ticking. But you are conflicted. And admit it, while you are open to adoption (and want to adopt for sure) you want to feel the joy of being pregnant (they do say that is the best time for a woman) and you are fuck scared that you will not be able to conceive or that the husband may not want the kids despite what he says.

You are spread too thin. You are jumping between getting to work, getting back home, in between trying to keep your parents happy, his father okay, and ensuring that you have a life. You recently went to the parlour, and while you enjoyed the cleaning up session, and all the praises that you gave to the husband, in that corner of your brain you are trying to reason out with yourself that the money you spent on yourself was worth it (even though you should not). You have been worried about the money situation for a while. But you should breathe a little,

You think that you have learnt the art of picking up the battles that need to be fight, but in your heart you know that the list doesn't decrease at all. On the contrary, it is always increasing. You think that you have cracked the code, at least a part of it so that you can stay happy, and find some peace. But your over thinking brain hasn't let you have a night of peaceful sleep in a long time.

Because you are a woman, you feel that you need to be the super woman. The one who takes care of it all. But, you are a super woman. You have been playing all the roles. You have experienced some love, but mostly pain. You are tired, a little unsatisfied, struggling mostly to find some answers.

But you are you. And tomorrow will be a better day. Remember it. Today and tomorrow.

The only one who can read your mind self!