Monday, January 28, 2013

The last of January

I have loads to write about.. but can't really collect my thoughts.
I have to be politically correct on the blog now... so considering to make it private. Or maybe I should not give a damn about being politically correct.

The fact of the matter is that, before being married I never thought twice before I said something. Often being rude, often being nonchalant, even stupid and frugal at times. And now, I think that I hardly talk.
No, the reason being, that there is nothing really to talk about.
No gossip from office.
No boss related issues, or talking about the boss.
After spending last 1.5 years, practically in the cabin of PC, it is a lil weird, that my current partner in charge doesn't give a fuck.
It is like, I have been accommodated here because of PC, and nothing else.

The recent events both at office and home have left me bewildered and I am living in a certain sense of doubting myself and my abilities both of being a homemaker and being a 3 yrs PQE lawyer.

I have been making stupid mistakes.

I am travel in all possible mode of public transport every freaking day (Auto, bus, taxi, taxi, local train, auto) (also include walking hither thither) travelling for minimum 1.5 hours one way.
I am perpetually sleep deprived.
I can't draft a goddamn e-mail properly.
I hate the work that I am doing.
I hate the city that I am currently living in.
Once upon a time, Mumbai was a dream city. But reality bites. And bites hard.

I don't have one second of "me" time to myself, because, if I take the "Me" time, then there is no time to spend with the husband. HELL- There is no time for life!

Talking of whom, here is some great news, he has been detected with high diabetes. And if that is not a stressful thing to pull you down, then constantly trying to make everything work with everything does.

Maybe, I am the one who is being a stubborn ass, maybe, I am the one who has the "running away" syndrome rather than "face the battle" attitude, but I am being honest here- Imagination and reality are hugely different and life as I knew it.. was a piece of cake and now I can't even pull some crumbs together.

Seem to be losing the plot already!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Happy Birthday...

You would have turned 26 today.

Probably after the hoo hoopla of my wedding, the family would have been hounding you and you would have walked off huffing and puffing, saying that you never want to get married and that you don't like boys.

In hopes and dreams, I wonder if you had finally gotten over your anxiety of boys, maybe broken a few hearts.. or maybe you would have been steadily dating someone by now.

But then, those are hopes and dreams that will never really become a reality.

Would you have been cribbing about work? Would you be staying in Delhi or would you have moved out... All I can do is sit and imagine about my world, our world had you been around.

Now you are not.
As you figure in the happiest memories of my child-hood, so you figure in happiness of my life each day.
A heavy heart sets in.
The broken promise, the shattered heart, wishes, just that.

I can still complain to you. You don't scold me or scowl or get disappointed at me any more. Though I wish you would.

Happy Birthday..Darling! You are sorely missed!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Hold my hand..

Hold on.. till eternity!
Okay so, the one month anniversary of being married came and went.
So did the New Year.
The set of responsibilities and the change over from being the Delhi ki kudi to being Mumbai chi polgi is also taking up a chunk of my time.

But in midst of all the madness and all the arguments, there is something that calms and soothes and makes me smile, gets me at peace and above all makes it really tough for me to come to office each morning.

There is some magic, I don't know what it is, but the fact of the matter is that the knowledge of the fact that I can reach out at night and give my hubby a hug or for that matter slept off while he is still awake and next morning I find myself in his arms (and him snoring away in my ears.. :P).

I remember a certain skeptic (an ex-blogger) who had doubts about everything, especially the institution of marriage. He had often said in his blogs that marriage is not about getting up each morning and kissing with a foul mouth and morning breath. And once the phase of kissing with morning breath is over, the real deal begins.
The same person had also told me (during the worst phase of my relationship with the Hubby) that once a relationship is cracked, it very hard to smooth over the wrinkles and the knot remains.

And all I have to say to all of this is, that each relationship and each phase of life has its own set of ups and downs and there is nothing that one can do, because unless there is down, we will never learn to appreciate the ups of life.
We all have the propensity to rebel to, to disagree to certain things in life. When younger, we rebelled the Cinderella timings, when in office, then their stupid rules (like I got to know in Reliance you can't take non-veg in your lunch box) and when in a relationship of that off a Man & Wife, you share much more than just your physical beings. It is a deal for your entire life and that makes it even more special.

What I really want to say is that, in the newest phase of my life, I am still trying find myself a foothold. I am still trying to stabilize.. and I am really lucky to have someone like my darling Hubby, guiding me through the rough terrain.
The morning breath can really go to hell, the urge to hug him and kiss him the first thing in the morning is what makes the rest of the day.. BEAutiful!! 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Dear 2013...

Lets just be a little truthful here, and tell you that I am not very happy that you arrived.

Your predecessor, was a much more exciting year, and you my friend, are the hard hitting reality that I was shielded from for the last 26 years.
I know I have had really bad years. Years where I have cried myself to sleep on the New Years' Eve, have been angry at the world kinds New Year Eve's and even drunk out of my wits and talking absolute nonsense kind of New Years' Eve.

But when I had to Welcome YOU, I was scared.
I still am scared and antsy about you. Restless at the fact that while life has taken a turn, the road ahead seems all hazy.

I am still hopeful. I look back and realize that I have survived what I thought were the worst times that I could ever get, so, I may just survive one of the many "New" New Years, that are yest to come.
I am still holding on to the belief that the newest phase and chapter of my life ain't gonna be that bad, and that you will by the end of it make me wonder, why in the world was I soooo antsy about you in the first place!

So here is to a lot of New, in the NEWEST year of my life in lot of ways!