Wednesday, September 23, 2015

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 

Saturday, September 19, 2015


lack of satisfaction.
"widespread public dissatisfaction with incumbent politicians"
synonyms: discontent, discontentment, disappointment, disaffection, disquiet, unhappiness, malaise, disgruntlement, frustration, vexation, annoyance, irritation, anger, exasperation, resentment;
Dissatisfaction stems from failure. It stems from a feeling of emptiness that engulfs you when you are unable to talk about what you feel, and when you are unable to deal with your life crisis in a dignified manner. It stems from the fear of failure. It starts at the level of gnawing. When you see someone get that job you hoped that you would get; when you see your own classmate (from school or college) doing so very well for itself and you start to evaluate your own performance against them. 

It starts as jealousy (which is lousy) and then slowly like a disease it spreads. At a first stage treatment, you are mostly in denial mode. You are like, so what, you need to see the bright side of things. And for a while you even do. And then, you see, someone, who was behind you in class in all the ways possible, and *boom* that hits you hard. Your self esteem (especially all the hard work through college, falls flat; what happened to hard work in college reap benefits etc?) goes for a toss. But you are still hopeful (after all, what is life w/out any hope?). But, then, instead of walking forth, life hands you a bunch of cards that you can't bluff with nor can you gamble with. 
And then you are stuck. Or you appear to be stuck. This is the second stage of the disease. 
It is when you are stuck in the second stage, you stop rationalising. You stop wondering, and you forget that each one is fighting some battle or the other. 

This is the stage when you actually sit and analyse each decision that you have made in life and wonder, where is it that you have gone wrong??? What is it that you did not do? Appease the right Gods or the right people. 
And, this, my dear friends leads us to the third and the final stage of this disease, where, you have analysed all the decisions of your life and have wondered and imagined all the possible "what if" scenarios and really can't find where did you go wrong. This is the stage when you become uncertain of all the decisions (major or minor) that are to be taken by you. The virus of malaise like a weed sucks out all your confidence and happiness. You are only kept wondering, why is the other person happier than you? That, why is your life stuck, and that, whether to wake up next morning to go to work is as much of a hard work or as easy as it gets. You can't appreciate all the good around you. hell you can't even be happy for the person that you love. The other symptoms include feeling low all the time; self pity; procrastination; low (lowest) self esteem and confidence and more severe cases nothing (and when I say noting, it means NOTHING x infinity) can ever make you happy. Crying becomes a part of your routine (even when on the face of it, you look like you are not crying in the heart, you are howling in pain and emptiness) and you question everything, including the destiny that is often talked about in the self help books.. you are direction-less and mostly angry or zombie like.

They are very few people, okay there may be a lot of people who are satisfied with their lives and maybe a tiny bit dissatisfied with some parts of it. But, if one of the major parts of your own self, of your own being is dissatisfied with something that is akin to your identity, then it becomes really difficult to appreciate the good things and be happy for the people in your life. 

The disease of Malaise is a very very severe problem, to be dealt with extreme love, care and patience. You have been forewarned!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Out (Perform)

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. - Iyanla Vanzant"

The above lines appeared with the picture below it on a page that a frequent on Facebook called "berlin-artparasites". The lines that they often quote, sometimes with a known author, sometimes with unknown authors. These lines, most often than not resonate with the feelings that most of the world is feeling at that point time (going by the thousands/ lakhs of likes and comments).

This one in particular, left me thinking. And thinking. I have been thinking about these lines for almost a week and every time I have read them, I want to break down and cry. I want to curl up into this ball on a hard cold floor and cry myself out of the misery that I feel for the life that I have created.
[Now, before you all start dreading about my relationship with the Husband let me clear the air to tell you that it is not about the "personal" problems, but professional ones]

So, if everything is a reflection of what I believe about myself then in that case, I am doomed (or not). I think very highly of myself as a lawyer. I believe that I am good. (I mean, I do give freelance advisory and all), but then there are instances that make me self doubt my abilities. The doubt being of a kind that spirals out of control and makes me lose  my mind over every aspect of my life. My faith in myself so far as my career goes has gone down the drain. There is nothing to show but bad decisions made at desperate times leading to one disaster over other. It is these disasters that leave me with a hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach about the belief that I have about being a lawyer.

I try to be careful. Cautious. But, my ability to take really bad decisions over takes my ability of taking informed decisions. Just too many things, too many equations and boom, I land in trouble again.
It is not a hidden fact that I abhor my current retainer position. I cry silently even in office, it is that bad. I hate the fact that the miracles that happen, the sudden good things the one opportunity to change my life is just not coming along. I can't fathom, as to is this just pure bad luck for me? Because I know that I am a hard- working girl. But, it is just not happening.

Today the "lawyers" in the office have got their incentives, but, that doesn't happen for me. Because I have been told not to count myself as a lawyer (and to imagine that I changed from an in-house position to be more of a lawyer). I am trying to see the "good" in the "worse" kind of situation but, I am losing it. The only reason I am holding on to my sanity is because of the constant support of my dear Husband.
You know how people just know that they are on the right track and then things just fall in place for them.. my things are not falling into place at all. I haven't had a happy coincidence in ages and I am hating that.
How do I out-perform my own self? My self doubts and above all my habit of making bad decisions, because, I am unable to draw my worth to my at all.. how do I go past that??