Sorry - Not Closing Shop as yet..

And no, the last post was not a publicity stunt. (As a matter of fact, the "publicity", was the reason that I was thinking and rethinking about opening my thoughts here.. on a "Public Forum").

Am I scared..
Well, it is just that, the kind of emotions and thoughts that I portray here are absolutely raw.. (at times, I don't even spell check or grammar check the posts .. make that most of the time). I do not intent to hurt anyone but, there is always the sword of "what if.." hanging on the head.
But, I am not scared of people judging me by what I write.
People have misjudged me even when I am in front of them, and I am no one to influence anyone what they think of me. I am me. And, blogging is a way to preserve myself from being eroded.

I started blogging...
because at that time I was trying to impress my bf (then, hubby now), and eventually, I guess, I did take over him. I did guest blogs for him too at one point of time, and even though he is an author here, he prefers to put a guest post here and there...
And because he saw my enthusiasm towards blogging, he finally gifted me this url. Probably one of the most thoughtful things that anyone has ever done. Can't just abruptly abandon my gift.. can I? especially since I am the kind who preserves even the dinner bill stubs and wine corks if its a special occasion.

Like I have already stated, that there is no intent to offend anyone, and if someone feels bad or hurt, well, then sorry I guess! 

Last Post

And I am closing my blog!
I can't be politically correct all the time.
I'll read.
I'll comment.
What I will miss is the fact that I am also closing an avenue for making new friends.

I have found some lovely friends, friends for life.. I just can't deal with the concept of closed blogs, because honestly I myself don't like them myself. No offence to the ones that are invite only. Just my thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe I take up task and get the courage to anonymously start a new blog.. Till then adios. 

And I found my song

Keeping up with the tradition of Valentine's Day, I finally found the song to dedicate to my hubby. This one sums up the substance of my feelings for him.
It has been 8 years of togetherness, and, last night was amongst one of those nights where all we were doing were discussing cartoons and mythology that we were bought up on :)

It is in these moments that it is reinstated - about faith, belief and love. Amen, and fingers crossed!

Here is the song:

I Love you.. Jaaneman..;) 

Dependent

I have slowly come to realise that I am becoming dependent.
On people.
On thoughts, that refuse to shut up.
And most importantly on things that I should not be dependent upon at all.

I have started craving for moments and days when I start feeling like my own self.
I miss having my friends and family around.
I miss having the conversations with the bf. Now that he has graduated to become the hubby, things have changed. While the most comforting thing in the world are his arms around me, the conversations have ceased. The only time that I have had a "conversation" with him was, when I was drunk, and I don't even remember what I said.

I feel left out.
Left out of the lives of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Including the hubby. He looks stressed, upset and angry so much, that I actually fear approaching him with more of my shit. Considering that most of the time I am the reason of his bad moods.

I am lonely.
I have no one to talk to. Only a lot of superficial people, who are more excited about the next travel plans, the food plans or just any other plans.

I hate it.
The fact that I have no time for life. And that I despite almost 3 months, I am still coping up with the daily travels, and choking back tears every time I step out of home to go to office only realising that, I have to ENDURE another day at office after hours of work that I don't even like. Eat food that I don't like. Starting over and getting reprimanded for things that I never did get reprimanded for EVER under my previous partner.
Struggling to get the mind, heart and soul in one line and hoping that I do not have a breakdown.

 And because I am struggling to be happy myself, I can't seem to keep the hubby happy either.
This vicious circle, just won't end.
Or would it?
Or Would I become dependent on my sorrows and pain all over again to feed my insecurities? 

Happy Valentine's Day!

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same – only love." 

— Don Juan DeMarco (Johnny Depp)

That pretty much sums it all up for me.

I have no song to dedicate to the Hubby this year.. 

It is our 8th Love Anniversary, and the 1st Valentine's Day after marriage. 

Was this supposed to be a special day?

I thought so. 

And despite everything, I did manage to buy him a card. 

I did not even get an e-card from him. 

To be honest, this doesn't even feel like the Valentine's Day.

I hope you all had a fun & love filled Valentines' Day!! 

Here is to Love!

Mumbai Diary..

There is huge gap between wanting to be in Mumbai and living in Mumbai.
Whilst I write this post on my phone, the train is approaching 'Dadar' I am still about 30 odd minutes away from reaching my destination!! (Update: I am finishing the post whilst sitting in office after a day at court!)

I travel in all modes of Mumbai transport (as elaborated in the previous post) everyday for work and at least 3 hours of my day are spent traveling.

Years back, one of my friends was waiting for me ( I was late by 45 odd minutes) and whilst I apologised for being late, he just smiled and said that he loves observing people and he had his fun while waiting for me.
So, now that I travel so much in public transport and am becoming (reluctantly) the part of the Mumbai rat race here are my observations:

1. Mechanical and meticulous: There is nothing in Mumbai that is not sorted for you if you are a regular office goer- there are the AC buses during the office hours that work on a clockwork. There are autos that go on meter. There are shared taxis that are available from the station that do to and fro from the station to the 'office district' and then there are the local trains, the life line of Mumbai! 
And this is what you are stuck in, in a city that never sleeps-  a clockwork!!

2. Food: No jhik jhik fik fik, you have a budget of 10 or 100 it doesn't matter- you will get something to satiate your hunger. SOMETHING. Its a fast paced life, food is nothing but just a necessity. There is no real 'good food' here. The closest to what I got as good food was at my masi's house. Her food still have the flavours of delhi! ( Yes, I am a Delhite to the core and I love the food there). So a samosa of 10 rs or a vada pav for 12 is also delivered in your office.. no "Minimum order" ka funda here! 

3. Theater: People in Mumbai seem pretty sick of the film stars and actors (big or small), thus they love their theater and I must complement the theater scene here, you are spoilt for choices!

4. 'Local' Shopping: Because people in Mumbai have no time ( by the time one reaches anywhere close to home, you don't have either the time or the inclination to go to the market) so the market comes to you in the local train. From clips, to vegetables, fruits, junk jewelry, bindi, nailpaints, and all the small small things that you can think of are sold to you in the train. 

5. Sleep: In a city that never sleeps, you catch up on your sleep in the bus or in the train, depending of course on the fact whether or not you have gotten a seat to sit on. 

6. No care attitude: No one says hello, no one says good bye.. if you don't make an effort the other person won't even care if you exist (I say hello everyday, I get blank looks most of the days!). They keep to them and that keeps them happy.

Just a couple of pointers.. amongst the many to come.. 
Cheers!