Deliberation Galore...

Good news finally seems to have found the way into my life, even if they are conditional.

So here they are in Bullet forms:

• I went for a job interview to a BIG LPO and got through. I was supposed to join them from 7th of June, but because exams only get over on the 5th, I wanted a small break, thus e-mailed them that I will only join them in July. They have not replied to my e-mail, neither can I get through the only phone number that I have of them. 
• I gave CLAT (Common Law Aptitude Test) for Masters, I got a 231 rank. Yay, but they took children till 204 rank. (There is a HUGE debate raging, because a lot of people have told me that masters from India is not worth the two years)
• I have a new baby nephew and his name is Ishaan. And, I have not yet seen him.. (he is in Mumbai)
• I applied to THE law firm that I really want to work with, and they have promised to get back to me... when, now that is a HUGE question. 
• Finally, I got the conditional Acceptance letter from the Maastricht University in The Netherlands, but my family is not excited. (I totally am excited) (Oh, and the Condition is that I will get a degree, so please pray that my Results come by End of July at Max and that I pass and get the degree.. with decent marks.)

Now there are loads of decisions that are to be made. For me now, All I want is to go to Netherlands, finally get a chance to see the world and give direction to my life. But with the kind of attitude that my parents are throwing around they don't seem to be interested in sending me abroad.. well it is expensive, but then isn't that is why we have education loans? And, the chances of me getting a job with a foreign degree are loads more. 

My parents are not comfortable in sending me outside the city something that I am really looking forward to. I want to love my life without really giving a damn about coming back home and seeing my dad all worried because I went out for dinner after office or with College buddies (as the situation is). 

I want to taste freedom before marriage binds me, again. 

Wish me luck...!! :)

This one is for Shayon

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school 
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
***************************************************************
PS: I know that we will get through this too...!!! I have faith in us. I love you.

I Quit.

How do you make your parents understand that they are choking you.
You end up having an argument and and in the heat of passion say 'jerk' to your father. You feel like killing yourself and your dreams and everything along with them.

I quit. I don't think that they will ever understand. I will never be able to make them understand. I will be choke, might as well not dream at all.
Broken wings.

One step forward.. Two Steps back

One step forward,
two steps back...
are you back at the,
starting point?

You see where,
you are wrong..
try to rectify,
the mistakes,
that pull you back..

Move forward with,
the confidence and,
a smile..
till something,
comes back... and
haunts you into,
the dark...

ENOUGH, you scream,
you want it out.
And then, you,
break... break the cycle,
you move one step forward,
and just move one more...
and another...
Not listening to voice that haunts,
and bring you back in the dark..

Reach out.. now,
touch the sun.. feel,
the love... the light..
and step forward.

Advice

When you have kids, make sure that the age difference between the two is not 7 years

Advice given by my father, when my younger sister & I were grilling him about his proposing mum.

Magic again...

I start all over again,
to woo you by my side...
ah!
And where do I start?

The same place,
where so many moons ago,
we had met...
for the first time in
all of the life that way had
been alive...


Magic,
That broke all the shackles,
love,
that created a new world,
around us,
for a time immemorial to come...

Love with iron nerves?
World was mad enough,
to test us through...
Today, tomorrow,
they bow to us and ours,
love that remains unbroken...

In a place that is outside,
the realm of the worldly,
but,
a place where the world,
does exist, not on water,
not on air... but
On love alone...

Tonight,
I will wait, at our place,
for you to come and
take me in your arms...
To weave the magic,
of Love.. all over again...

Lost?

My exams are exactly in a week. I am going to finish them in 10 days of when I start.
I have no clue where am I at the end of my graduation, which I am hoping happens in the coming three months.
I cannot really forsee me going out of this city, let alone out of this country.
Which I want- Truly, madly, deeply

Studies are at their worst best.
Practical file is moving at a snail pace. I have fucked up royally.
I feel like crying. ONE whole day wasted because I fell ill.

Oh, to make matter worse- The Bar Council of India, is going to have bar examinations to enroll lawyers- NEW lawyers. Yeah, why would things be easy when it comes to me? Now when over so many dumb lawyers have already been admitted to the bar ( NO ITS NOT A PLACE TO DRINK BEERS OR ALCOHOL) the experiment had to be DONE ON ME.
ME!!!

I need, God, to bless me. I need prayers to get me through this year.
This year is getting worse each day that passes by. The weather is bad, the health is bad. The decisions by the world are going bad. Stupid Indian team gets kicked out of T20 world cup... the whole goddamn world is stupid dumb place to be RIGHT NOW.

Am so lost & Cranky. BLAH.

Guest Post by Shayon

Yeah you guys read the title right, Shayon has written a post for all of us...!!! And, without further ado, here it is...
********************************************

Hi all, how do you do? I remember, over 3 years ago, when I had helped Sakshi create this little blog space of hers. I used to be an administrator, back then. Almost 1 and a half years of her coaxing me to write regularly on her blog, something that she herself used to do on mine, I finally got demoted to being just a 'contributor'. Not that I complained, since I did never manage to come up with the content that I could write, out here. Today, I have no rights at all, around this place. But then, I look at her writings, the lovely poems she has started to weave, the complexity in emotions that have started to get imbibed into her, the strong feelings towards text-book love - all of this does get you all heady at times. I have seen her grow from being a school kid who'd once started to write just to impress her boyfriend, and move on to become a great writer herself, and such wonderful readers. Even if I did not do much of a hand holding, I can not help but feel proud.


Coming to why am I writing on this blog, and not on mine. Well, I have never really spoken about Sakshi, and our relationship on my blog. I have been suggestive, but never really forthright. On the other hand, Sakshi had been quite vocal about it. Hence, I figured it's only fair if I wrote on her blog, rather than on mine.


In the last post she mentioned that we were trying our best to get back with each other. Yes, that's true. But apart from that, there is a very important lesson that I have learnt, in the last couple of months, and I wanted to share it with you all.


They say love isn't enough for someone to live, and I believed it too. Today I figure, love might not be all that one might require, but if there's no love, there is nothing else that can sustain a relationship. And well, being in love and being able to stay with someone you love, are completely two different equations altogether. Just because you love someone with all your heart and soul, doesn't mean that you can be a happy couple, and can stay together. And of course, you can never take your love for granted. Yes, I had always believed that after being in a relationship for a large amount of time, there is a certain amount of ease and understanding that settles onto your relationship. And I believe that even today. However, it is also important that you keep working on it, else you shall find it shattering away right before your eyes.


They had once said that long distance relationships were the toughest to maintain, and I used to laugh away, since I had mine safe and sound for over 4 years. Then came a cold, chilling breeze, and hell froze over. And I realized how important it is, the very knowledge that someone's out there for you, right around the corner. I learnt that nothing can get you calm, on a rough day, faster than an assuring hug from the one you love, nothing gets your heart beat faster than just a wink from your sweetheart, and nothing can get you more crazy than the anticipiation of your union. All of this, and more, is possible only when both of them manage to stay at the same place/city. Or at least when they are rich enough to travel all the around the country, every single week. I do not think I shall ever prescribe LDR to anyone, any more. it not just sucks your ass, but it also sucks all the juice out of you, too, with time.


Well, what do I say? Right now, we are just keeping our fingers crossed, and trying to give each other another chance. Trying to get back what we lost. Maybe it's not possible. But then, maybe, life can be more beautiful than it ever was! Isn't that what hope does to you? Intoxicated!
***************************************************
While I was publishing this post, Shayon sent me an sms which was "Wanna be a part of your life again"
and cheesy as it may sound, I just want to tell him, that what ever that we had shared, what we are sharing, and what we will share, good or bad, are a part of our lives, together.
This one is for Shayon...
'Celor ce duc mai mult dorul,le pare mai dulce odorul'  this is a Latin verse which means... 
"Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it... "

Hide the hurt..

The most common psyche of the human brain is to hide the hurt, in order to not to hurt, either your own self, or the other person involved in that particular interaction.
Or maybe it is the Hindi Serial effect, where the protagonist is always hiding the truth in order to save the rest from all the hurt in the world.

Off late, I think, I have been that protagonist too. By simply not telling.

I dunno how really to express it and I can't really come out with it in the open. Somethings are best kept close to your heart.
My life has been in a huge mess for the last couple of months. There have been so many arguments, with all the loved ones, I have done things to hurt people, I have really been a cause of misery to loads of people. And, in all of that, I tried doing something really heroic, I hid most of this from my best friend.
Yeah, I hid it. I did not tell her, because, I assume. All the time.
And, well, she is very opinionated on loads of things. And very strong headed, and at a level I am scared. But then, ohkay, yeah, so, I hid from her, stuff, important to me and my life, because I feared her judging me. And, now that I have told her everything, (yes, I smsed her last night) and she is not taking it kindly. She is very angry at me *she is bound to be *

Now here is the thing, I know that I did fuck up. I was the chicken and the rooster and all the cowardice in this world. I run away from things, this is a HUGE characteristic of mine. And, I assume. A lot.

I am trying to change myself, and this (telling P, my BFF about the fuck ups) was the very first step in the positive direction. The only thing that I fear right now is, that, since I cannot really justify my actions, I don't know what to really expect. And, I fear, that I may have lost my best friend too in all of this. Please pray that she well, scolds me and kicks my ass, and then hugs me. I really love her.

And the second positive step in the change factor is that, I have to tell you all, that, Shayon and I are trying to build up our relationship again. And, I want you all to pray for both of us.

Oh, lastly, my exams start on the 20th... so the blogging intensity will increase.. for all the obvious reasons.

Love you all...

Illusion:Life

The beauty of nature,
it can be an illusion,
to lure you into deceit..

Tediously the spider,
weaves the web,
a beauty, a work of art,
for an onlooker...
a death trap for the one its built for.

Nonchalant to the obvious danger,
the prey is lured,
into the beauty of the trap..
and then to the slow death,
the inevitable...

Relationships are beautiful,
they are woven with the beauty,
the nurture of,
love, care and affection...
They smile on you,
with a re assurance.. and a trust,
of life.

Then there are weeds,
of hate, lies, deceit..
sucking on the the very essence,
what you have built..
with all that you have...

then the beauty of a relation,
is nothing but,
an illusion.. a glass..
slowly disappearing into,
oblivion, of the lies,
that is was built on...

Hold on.. to what is real,
trust what your heart says,
have faith in the love that you have,
there is only that can love you,
and you can love back...

'State of the Mind', this is one phrase that I heard a lot in the last couple of months. Yeah, this phrase was in practical usage for a certain person.
Ofcourse, there are many things in life that happens thanks to what is there in our minds. Simple things really, like if you get up feeling good about the day, you tend have a great day, and if you are sad and grumpy, well, then, you have a horrible day. Work or no work.

Lawyers will also play with the state of the mind of the witness and otherwise, so that they can make their case stronger.

Never really thought that it can be a great ploy of parents too. I just had a terrible conversation at home, with regards to my career and my career options. This conversation made me realise, even if I have professional help by people who specialise in planning the careers of people... My parents would love to put that also down. They will never appreciate what ever effort I put in my own career.
They don't trust me.

Despite the fact that I have scored all my internships on my own. ALL of them. And none of them are in stupid law firms. They are big names in the profession. I did this minus any help from my father. All on my own accord.
But, now, jobs is a different ball game altogether. My fault in being kicked about is that I have been educated in a third grade college. So, therefore, I do not map out MY career, I should simply sit at home, and study my ass off, till the next recruitment for being a judge opens, give my exams, pass them, and become a judge. Something THAT I don't want to do.
Their retort- Listen to us, we are your parents.
And my pleas that I DON'T WANT TO BE a magistrate is falling into deaf ears. I can't be choked like this. tomorrow they will tell me, Marry Mr. XYZ, because that is the right thing to do.
Today, my mom tells me, that your dad is not earning in crores, therefore you become a magistrate... Dad tells me, if you get into a smaller law firm... they will not pay you enough...
Hello- I am 23, I am charting out, Dad gives me that look when I tell him, that I looking at experience right now, more than the money...
This is getting on my nerves, I have done exactly opposite of what I had planned to do when I entered college.. doing my masters was never in my list of to-do...
Right now, I am just looking for a way to get out of my house. To get out of this city. Away. To live my own life. Before I am choked.

AND IF THESE ASSHOLES WHO CALL THEMSELVES JOB SITES SEND ME ONE MORE JOB PROFILE OF A BPO... I AM GONNA LOOSE IT.