Thursday, June 11, 2015

Throw Back Thursday (#TBT)

For some very weird reason, Thursday's have been christened as #TBT .. meaning throw back Thursday.. meaning it is the day on which you browse through memories and then put a post about, how time has flown!

I do not need a particular day to become nostalgic about the time gone by. I on the contrary, hardly seem to be wanting to go back into the time gone by.. mostly the good times.

In all those good times and fond memories, I think the best times were spent writing blog posts, and then having discussions on those blog posts. I had started writing in 2005 to impress the husband (then the boyfriend). I could not ( or so I believed ) write. I could not articulate my words to forth the feelings. I am not a very good writer and I am grammatically wrong so many times; and I make numerous errors (spellings etc) but this space has become akin to my sacred space of being me. In 2007, when I grudgingly moved from Yahoo (I think) to Blogger, I was totally terrified. This was a much bigger platform, and I used to write to impress.
But, then, something just kept me pushing. Then slowly, I don't know when and I absolutely don't know how, comments started trickling in and as an unsaid rule of the blog world, I started visiting other blogs, and the THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!
I made friends through the blog-o-sphere!
I was a part of the lives of people, who were experiencing things similar- dissimilar- something .. they were experiencing true raw human emotions and they were writing about it, and making me a part of it.

But then somewhere along the lines, sabbaticals, bad elements and the usual busy life styles just put a stop to the whole thing. I was writing sporadically, reading rarely, and not commenting at all. But somehow through the on and off relationship with the blog, I also found a dear friend in Kashvi, who, has been my friend. We haven't talked in a while.. but I know that she loves me and her comment about me being back said it all.
And then, there is Uncle Jack, with his life experiences, who keeps in touch by phone :) He even made it to my marriage and did a whole post on it!
There is Su and Vagabound, who are on FB and I keep getting their life updates from there, but, I found them here.
And there is Bikram, who is still quite regular on my blog!!

But today, what made my day was RoopScoop! [I can't still get over that Pari is 4 years old!!] Roop and I have never exchanged e-mails, and all I did was follow her blog - Regularly. I love her writing (I especially loved a piece that she had written about how she went into labour pains and the events thereafter!) . She has come back after a huge sabbatical, and she leaves a usual message about how she has started afresh at a new page, and I go there and put a comment welcoming her back.. and her reply left a lump in my throat. She wrote that she left that message of moving her blog keeping me in mind.. and that.. just made my day.

It took me back in time. Took me back 8 years and 600 posts back, reminding me that all those memories that I have made.. have not gone in waste.. and that there are truly such amazing people still here.. to hold on to!
Thank you..

And Roop.. WELCOME BACK!!! 

Friday, June 5, 2015

Lessons in Self Doubt

When you are unwell and in bed the whole day, the most productive thing that you can do is either sleep or watch TV.
The curse of our generation is that we also have facebook/ twitter/ youtube and access to unlimited sources of entertainment. And, therefore, I ended up watching an ENTIRE season of a show called "The Newsroom". And well, when you watch these shows, they affect you in a way that.. okay maybe not you but they definitely have some sort of an effect on me.
I pine to be able to be the hero in my own story. A success story.
A story where you just hit the right notes at the right time. Meet a right person, say the right things and then land up in a place that actually reveals to you, your own true character and helps you create a path that you may not have chosen for yourself, but your destiny did help you find it.

Reality on the other hand is a different deal altogether. There is nothing like a dream job. Each one has some flaws in it. There are jobs that question your moral character, then there are jobs that question your financial stability and then there are jobs that question your familial stability. Hell, I am almost 29 and I do NOT have a job, that satisfy my moral compass, nor is it satisfying my financial compass, and while these two are unsatisfactory in nature, by  the laws of whatever the fuck it is that you want to call it; I am simply not heading a happy household either.

I am easy to push around, hell, yeah, my maid pushes me around like hell! I get lectured by her as to why I should and should not pay my other maid. There, all the respect is out of the window. I also get pushed around a lot by others. I get angry at things that I feel are wrong, or simple things like, why should I keep taking the first steps towards the relationship maintenance amongst relatives.. the only answer I get is, that someone has to.
There are things that I am getting to know now, there are truths.. okay more like family stories that I feel I should not have been told. Things are changing after marriage, and I am unable to grasp at things. I am ill equipped to make informed decisions or any other decisions for that matter, and all that I end up doing is putting up a thing before the review committee .. my Husband mostly.

I don't know, from where do people find their own depths, to questions their decisions and to evaluate their consequences and above all to take that first step to change it all. Hell, I don't even know where my life is heading. If at all it is heading somewhere, and I am feeling stuck. There is no new adventure that awaits me each morning .. yeah unless you count catching a bus at 7.30 am 6 days a week or the local train for that matter. I don't feel motivated to wake up next day, all charged up to go do a days worth of work and at the end of the day feel satisfied.

I don't feel that confidence and that strength to take on to my own little world, forget the world at large. I don't know, where to start from. From where to grasp those threads.
I am earnestly looking, for that one opportunity, that will change my life. A positive event, that gives me a chance at my little life, with my Husband. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!