Complicated questions on Love!

Love is the strangest of all emotions. And one gyaani that I know will always tell me that there is nothing in this world that can replace love except hate. I somehow, don't want to agree with it. I just don't understand, that how can you hate the very person that you love.
The very person who becomes your 'Jaan', your sweetheart, how can you just stop loving that person and then, start hating that person for all the same things that you were in love with about that person.
Aren't it those little little queer things that would set apart your relationship from that of the other couple that you see across the room?
And then all of a sudden you start feeling that those little things are nothing but a dampner to the entire relationship. Those things, that nature of your lover are always known to you.. then why are you with that person in the first place if you don't like those things. Is it really the hormones that make you love a person and then when the level comes down you are simply out of it?
What happens to forever & always?

Are all the love stories, the same- Ending in a note of deep sorrow?
If you can end, and move one, then that is not love. That is some sort of stupid infatuation, something like a drug high that wears off... where as- Even after ending it all, you end up thinking about that person, and you just feel like someone has put heavy lead on your heart, that there is always the urge and that person is the first one you want to talk to in the morning, and the last one each night.. you cannot really go out of love with that person?
Or can you?

I dunno, why the fuck am I writing this nonsense, Yes, I have lost my mind.

I am Sorry!!

Here is a quick update:
Life is MAD!! Work is Madder.
I have been reading the posts, but not commenting, because, I am accessing the net through my phone. And it is a lil tiresome to read and post comments *tiresome on my eyes*
So, I have loads to write, and I will be commenting also on posts soon.

Don't get angry with me.
Love you all!!!

Just Another poem on Love!

What was it that you saw?
in her, in him..
the one you say has it all..

It is love not another
infatuation you say,
and yet, you start,
having your doubts..

Love is?
you question,
the answer unfortunately,
just remains hidden.

The feeling of,
knowing that you are,
being looked after,
even when there are seven seas,
to cross and to see.

The feeling of,
trust, that binds,
the chords tighter,
of an unseen bond,
that makes you feel lighter.

The feeling of,
being the first call,
of the day, or the hug,
at the end of a horrible,
long long day...

The feeling of,
sleeping each night,
to wake and see, that,
someone special,
smile...

Love is,
loads of questions,
no answers,
matters of the heart,
away from the world.

Hey, will you talk to me?

Yeah, I am going to earn thanks to my talking. And yet, I am short of people to talk to. All of a sudden, there is a lack of phone numbers to call on and just talk.

Talk about everything, and talk about nothing.

You know basically talk about nothing. Just general gossip. Something to take my mind off the constant thinking that is just refusing to stop. Even the concious efforts of not thinking have failed. 

So there is this constant compulsion to talk, to spend time, and to just make merry. But, alas, it doesn't seem to happening. I am looking at my phone constantly... scrolling through it just trying to find one number that I can call on and talk.. and then feel peaceful within.

but, talking and making merry, makes me feel guilty.

I dunno why, instead of feeling happy, I just feel more sad and more depressed, and then I want to cry. Like yesterday, it was supposed to be like THE happiest day of my life, you know, I graduated, the final fruit of the long five years.. My dad had gotten me cake, and we had also gone out for a nice chinese dinner. And there I realised that I should maybe be nominated for oscars, for acting so well. There was no joy in the celebrations that I was doing. Nothing. Nil. Nada.

Oh, yeah, as if this is not enough, I have my younger sister throwing about attitude on me, as if she is the ONLY person in this whole world who is giving her 12th class boards. 

This is totally irritating, and absolute irrational behaviour on my end. Keep me distracted, and I am still ok. Leave me alone, contemplating, and I am ready to burst into tears in an instant. It is like I am denied my drug. 

Of course- I am blabbering.

Mental instability you see.

So sorry, please bear with me.

PS: I have not slept in 3 nights. So please ignore my rants.

I am a Law Grad...!!!

The day I joined law school, I was so totally messed up, and there was only one thing that kept on going on in my mind, that how the hell am I going to survive five long years in college, a college, where well, it was more like school.
But, I managed well.
When the first semester results came out, I was the happiest person on earth, I had never topped in anything and all of a sudden, I became the topper of my batch. And, then, with each result that came, there was a sigh of relief and then the tension of the next set of exams.
For 9 semesters, there was always a next time. And, today, when my result came out, the FINAL result came out, the realization that there will be no next time hit me in full force.
Yes, I am finally a Law Graduate, first class, i.e. I passed in the first division, and I am very proud of myself, this was amongst the top scores that I have gotten in all 10 semesters and I am very happy that I have ended my graduation on a great, happy note of satisfaction.

Tomorrow, I will not say, oh, I just gave my exams and the results are due, I will not say that, Oh, my God, there is still some more time to go.
I am finally a graduate, and the relief is not only mine but also of my parents.. it were long five years for them as well.

Now, its time, to start shaping the future that was waiting to happen.
You have blessed me for so long, my dear reader, please keep on giving me your good wishes and support, as I start another journey into the world- of unknown.

I Miss you!

I miss you,
the mundane, everyday, life.
I miss getting up late,
and doing nothing,
just trying to figure out,
my fate.

There was always,
a plan of action,
a to do list,
which went into the waste,
as soon as the clock hit 8.

There was always the sleep,
that was more important,
the night, was mostly spent,
talking, loving and romancing.

There were the novels,
that took me over like rage,
their story, intervening,
with my own in a strange way...

My prince charming,
came to me thanks to a book,
yeah it was a mystery,
the book and the feeling,
of being in love...too

I miss, not taking,
the decisions that altered lives,
it was just difficult choose,
new places to hang out twice.

I miss changing,
the plans at the last minute,
taking an auto instead of a bus,
in a direction totally opposite,
college was an excuse,
your house, the destination,
I chose.

I miss getting out of office,
and calling you to confirm,
that I am on way, so move your bum...
to get stuck in the rain,
hitting the panic button..
then to walk all the way,
to my home.

I miss cleaning the room,
and then find it dirty again,
in a time as short as 'vroom',

I miss getting ready,
only for your eyes,
to see that nod.. and to
see that spark in your eyes...

I miss you,
and your arms, around me,
to hold me, comfort me, and
love me...
I miss you-
Truly, Madly, Deeply.

White Collar

I think I am totally in love. Head over heels in love.
*Of course, Shayon yes, but, we are not talking about him here*
Now, why I am saying that I am totally in love is, because, I normally wont talk about movies or soaps that come on televisions. So much so, I have stopped writing any reviews about any movie, book etc. mainly because, I feel that everyone has their own perception... so why waste my time.

Anyway, back to my newest love- Neal Caffery in White Collar. I mean, this guy is total eye candy, and I can watch him for hours without blinking my eyes. *yes I sound like a crazy teenager, but WTF* and on top of being the good looking guy he is, he is also intelligent and super cool.

Ohkay, this well, just, blabbering but then.. that is what you do right when you are in love. ;P

Isn't he total eye candy!!!!


PS: I did that Gender Stereotype tag, you can check it out here.

So its been one week at work. I think I am getting into the flow of things, and well it is pretty decent, because the last time I complained about not having any work, I should have really shut up. Now there is enough to keep me busy and in office late nights.
And ironically, there is more work on saturday than on any other weekday. *yeah*

I am restless. Yeah, right now, I am restless, I am angry, and I am cranky. I wish I could just break down and pull my head apart... tug on my hair... shout and make someone understand that, I try. I do. I do.

Yeah, I can, say that n one understand me. But then I guess, I don't try hard enough.. to make the other person understand.. maybe, I should just give up on everything and go with the flow * seriously Chanz, when I put that comment, I meant it* , not understand, the why, and the what of everything that is happening.
I should gear up to fight.

Fight for what?
I think, my own sanity and thoughts. Destiny, I think... I am tired of fighting that. I am tired of tempting fate, and I am realllllllly tired of making sure that things happen. Does it matter? Yes, it does matter.
Why should I not fight. After all, I should not be complaining and ranting, and give up before a fight. But, do I want to really.
I can't figure out my own thoughts... how the hell should I figure out rest of the world...!!!
DAMN YOU.

Happy birthday Love

Its Shayon's Birthday.
And, well, I should be writing on his page, but, I cannot navigate the wordpress editor, so, this is for his birthday.

He is turning 25, and with each year of the last 5 that I have seen him, he has just become more, himself. And today on his birthday:


I can't promise you,
that I will be here always,
I can't promise you that,
things will always be right,
I cannot, gift you,
the newest gadget, because,
you my love, I don't have a dime...
I cannot give you any more,
than wishes for happiness, and 
wealth, from the bottom of my heart,
but then those are what everyone,
will give you,
What I can give you today,
my dear love is,
a promise,
of love that will always
be there, even when I am not here,
of a trust that forms a bond,
beyond the bonding of the blood,
and a last promise of always being,
yours, in a lifetime beyond,

the life.

I love you, and Happy 25th Birthday Sweetheart...

The Courtroom Drama

I planned my whole career, as in, during my studies, I planned, I applied, and I worked hard to get into some of the best places to work as an intern. Now that my studies are over for the time being, and that I have no work, I had decided that I would join my father for the time being.. you know learning about the courtroom and how it functions and what not. But my father decided that since he wont be able to teach me much *ghar ki murgi dal barabar* he made me join this Supreme Court advocate, who is a wonderful lady and a self proclaimed feminist.
And so I went to the Supreme court of India today. *For the uninitiated Supreme Court of India is the highest judicial authority in our country, and only qualified Advocates, really senior advocates are allowed to appear in front of the judges** And, its security worse than that of the Parliament*
And, here are my observations, not in any order, just my observations:

a) No, lawyer, howsoever senior or junior will be spared by the judge, if the judge doesn't like you, well, he doesn't and get the hell out of there.

b) All the lawyers in the supreme court fumble * poor guys, the judges treat em like reprimanded kids*

c) Its draining to just stand. Stand. Stand, in front of the court room waiting for your turn to come.

d) There is nothing like a trainee advocate. So, if you are stuck like me, i.e. I have given my exams, and awaiting not only my results but also the bar exam to get my license to practice in the court, I get the 'pass' yeah a 'pass' for only one court, out of the many that my senior lawyer has to visit. *what did I tell you about the security*

e) So, when your senior advocate tells your father, there is going to be no consideration that she is your daughter, it simply mean- "I am off the hook, and I can be rude too"

f) The reputation of the Supreme court advocate is directly proportionate to the number of Junior Advocates, Interns, and court clerks following him.

g) There are so many southy's out there, that you have to really open your mind and listen carefully, so if you hear 'sheep' it actually means 'ship'.

h) Ever heard of the phrase ' New York Minute' well, when you have to appear before a judge in the supreme court, its even shorter.

i) Did I not tell you about the tight security in the premises, no bags either if you are not a lawyer. So, if you have to go inside the court room for a matter, please put your purse & phone outside, and, no, the court is not responsible for any theft. But, thank God, its a court.

j) Yay, one good thing, the canteen there makes good edible food. It tastes nice, and is cheap too. But, the sitting is so freaking small. So, At lunch time, you see so many black coats eating while you are standing with your plate.
My boss, takes her lunch at the Ladies Bar-room *No IT DOES NOT SERVE LIQUOR*

k) ON RECORD- I am a very hard working girl. But, I totally hate it when there is no work at all, like today, all I was doing was standing in the gallery looking left and then looking right, people bumping into me, people bumping into each other, and I was just standing *there is no adequate seating in the gallery, and you can't sit, even if there is an empty seat and your senior advocate, it could even be a xyz is standing, as a mark of respect* doing nothing. I was updating twitter, and getting roasted in my black coat.

l) I am sure you all know about Hogwards School in Harry Potter, and seen their uniform a.k.a their Robes, right, well, licensed advocates also have uniforms, a.k.a robes, which they wear in a very odd manner, instead of being properly placed its in a state off your shoulders... i.e its in a half way stage of wearing/ taking it off, that you have to guess.

m) NEVER wear heels, if you plan to be a litigating lawyer. I am having a bad leg and back ache.

n) The Supreme Court after vacations looks like a school re-opening after vacations, the lawyers actually ask ' How was your vacation' 'Where did you go' questions to each other.. and its like a mela, no, more like the school assembly, where you meet juniors and seniors and then when the classes  court calls your case you go in like a shareef kid.

o) Finally, if you wanna know how many shades are there in black & white, you can do your thesis here. The only color other than that was grey * yeah, just my luck*

Dad told my mom, that it is gonna be another school to learn the trick of the trade, but even though I love my trade, I can't seem to learn to love litigation and my new learning space. Ironically, whenever I used pass The Supreme Court, I always wanted to explore it... but somehow, I don't get the crazy jitters, I get when I go to the High Court, maybe because HC is home.
One thing that I have learnt today is, that, I am not meant for litigation, I gave this a chance today so that I do not become bias to me only wanting to be in Non- litigation (all lawyer work minus the courtroom) but, No ways...
Jobs Anyone? 

Rose Coloured Glasses-II

A new me, a grown up me,
a responsible me, a me that,
I like to look at every morning,
and evening...

Closed behind my eyes,
is that image of being, me.
That dream, of the life,
of the love, and a house,
with a white picket fence.

Open in front of my eyes,
the realities of my life,
a love that I almost threw away..
a dream, that is nothing,
but broken wings...

The promise of the future,
gone awry, in light of the,
real world that is gone wild..
like the fire it burns me down,
with each step,
I see nothing... but my life,
turning brown.