Friday, May 29, 2015

This is Marriage.. for you!

After a slew of depressing posts about, how things are after the Shaadi, and how dreams are being bartered, and all of that, I thought, why not write a post reinstating the faith in a relationship called marriage. After all one has to find that glass with water which is half full and all that..

The inspiration for this post came from Su's Tumbling Thoughts to World (it is almost like old times) and so here it goes:

The Husband and I have been married for a little around 2.5 years; and we have been together for more than a decade. But the deal is, being together and dating is a completely different ball game than being married. And, believe me when I tell you that, people change after marriage.

And, I have figured why does this happen, or so I hope (I am just trying to be helpful here).. So once you get married.. the Shit becomes real.

All of a sudden, you become adults and you have to take the decisions that matter and that impact your life. You can't just pick up a pair of shoes at random (unless of course you are uber rich), or for that matter any indulgence just start looking like that: An indulgence.
You are constantly thinking either food or money.
And, if you are not thinking about those two things then you are definitely thinking about the house hold help (trust me, even if you are uber rich, you can't escape this one!!).

All of your decisions have a tangible result, which will either be before you in a short period of time or which will eventually impact you.
So, now think about this:
When you know, and understand and learn with experience that all your actions will have some kind of tangible repercussions, you  grow up.

And, when you grow up, you change.
You start hanging out with a different set of friends, you would probably thinking healthy over binge, and yes, your career choices also get affected.
And trust me, when you are staying with your in laws, then there is a different lifestyle issue that you have to face!
Like it took me a little over 2 years to actually start wearing a swim suit around my FIL. (Yeah that sound weird, but, if I have to go swimming, then I have to wear a swimsuit.. right?? So, not like, I am wearing a bikini and roaming around the house sorts!!). It was quite difficult on family holidays, because Husband would insist and I would always reject his idea.. (and I am all for women power).

You make a hell lot of adjustments .. but at the end of the day, when you crawl into the bed with the one person, your spouse, you realise that it is worth it.
When you hug your spouse, and make love, and you know, that despite the fights, the tantrums and all that jazz, the next morning, that one person is always going to be there for you, despite your ownself, that is the kind of security, a good marriage gives you.

Like Su says, just look for that right thing in your better half (or your worst half) and you are set for life. Like, I know, that despite everything, in the middle of the night, if I wake up, I am on one tiny little corner flanked by the person I love the most, making sure that I don't fall.

This is marriage for you!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Busy Bee

The Husband has been just too busy.

It has been like that for, I don't know how long now. I mean there are days when he will call me at 6 pm and tell me that he is on hi way home, but mostly those are the days, when he is having a back ache or when he has some launch ceremony he knows that he has to watch and being in office will interfere with his watching of the event. 

The irony of the entire thing is that he is super happy being busy; and that sort of leaves me out in the whole deal. 

I do remember the glass of wine that we had together (it was last night only!), but then I was busy getting things ready for the office next day, and Husband was on his phone/ laptop/ or was that the Ipad.. (see, I did not even notice); and the only thing that we ended up talking about was who would be eliminated in the Master Chef Australia episode. 

Where is the time to talk? 
I sort of devised a plan and I usually write e-mails to the Husband during the day or probably talk to him trough messages.. but that is not really an alternative, because he is so so busy in office, it is often hours and hours before he replies to either a mail or a message. And by that time, the whole purpose of that mail or the message is gone. 

I don't remember the last time we talked talked, because mostly when we talk talk, then it erupts into a fight. It seems that we are mostly fighting. 
Maybe that is the reasons why we are avoiding the talking talking!

A little TLC goes a long long way in a relationship and I miss being the centre of his attention.. it is so divided that it is not even funny!  

Edited to add: I opened FB only to find that his cover photo been changed into a picture taken at his office with his office mates. Giving him the benefit is the fact that he is actually looking really nice and happy in the picture!

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Good Wife

I had been contemplating a post with this title for a long long time, and finally, something pushed me to start writing this.
Procrastination is my second nature, the first being lazy/sleepy!
There is a to-do list that is always running through my mind, and trust me when I say that I have more excuses then ever to convince myself that I can postpone all the tasks to some other days.

Let us be honest here (this probably is the only platform, where I don't have to pretend!); I am not HAPPY. And, no it has nothing to do with the Husband; and EVERYTHING to do with me.

There are 10 thousand things that I want to accomplish in a day, but then I end up doing NOTHING. Yes, practically nothing.
Forget, the things that are high-aimed for; but simple tasks like:
- Unpacking the boxes in the new house;
- having a neat and tidy room;
- just setting the house in general;
- deciding what to eat (yes, that is also a task);
- I "would" love to cook for the Husband, and I have a million ideas to do that, but NEVER have I executed those;
- Taking Sugar out for a walk is also such a task, most of the time I do not have the energy, and more than most of the time I do not have the inclination to take her down.

I am always out of energy, always being lazy and always, always am constantly thinking about things that are going wrong and never ever put forth a solution that makes any sense.

I do not know or understand if I have completely lost the ability to rationalise? Or for that matter, I never had the ability to do so in the first place.

I am so single dimensional, that no wonder the Husband is amazed at the way that I take decisions. I start a thing, an initiative, and then don't see it through.

The lack of commitment and passion in me, amazes myself as well.

In the last 2.5 years that I have been in Mumbai, I am currently on my 3rd job; there is an amazing lack of stability in my professional life as well. Again, sane decisions are not being made. There are just more and more rash, and no so thought through decisions that are being made.
I want to be able to get up each morning with hope and happiness, to look forward to a day well spent, to be able to actually have time in hand to have breakfast on the table with the Husband, to be able to get dressed properly, or for that matter, just able to put in some exercise in my schedule (I am just getting fatter by the day); I want to be able to apply my mind to things and situations, to do my work with passion and have fun doing it [somehow post the stint with PC, I have not been able to get that satisfaction].
My therapist has told me that there are no guarantees in life that I should have an open mind, and despite that kind of thing, it seems that, I am unable to come to terms with the "jobs"; that I have been doing.
Am I not listening to my instincts?! I DO NOT know. But I am definitely running away from things.. I ran away from the I Job because of the "fuck all boss" [which is a proven fact; none of the people reporting to him are happy; and post my leaving the job, I have been categorically told that I was being targeted (and of course money was a BIG concern)] but then, I did have a lot of fun working for various departments.
I am feeling stuck and stuffed again.
I am keeping a strong exterior, keeping a smile on my face, while I do the menial jobs of administrating the damn law firm, a task that I "thought", that I would be able to do it along with the legal work. Not something that I am proud of.

I don't even know who I am any more. The identity crisis continues as I juggle being a "Good Wife"; which I know for sure that I am not.
I am so fucking (yeah, I have come down to abuses now) tired of all the struggle, to find that balance, to find that happiness [Trust me when I saw that the best best thing in the world at the end of the day is the Husband Hug with a jealous do trying to intervene], to find that passion for my dreams, to know and understand all over again that the world is my oyster; and I have just begun.

But, I just can't keep on re-assuring myself over and over and over again on a superficial front when deep down under I can just see myself failing over and over again. I am constantly cranky, worried, and absolutely lost.

While I live life; I am not sure that I am being me.  

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Time- Hop Hop Hop

There are things that I want to write. 
I start composing a post in my head, and by the time I sit down, tackle the laziness, and open my blog page to finally write, I would have forgotten the issue that I wanted to write about. 

I have also forgotten the thrill that blogging use to bring to me, the friends that would comment and the long long discussions that have happened on this blog. 

Things have changed, people have changed and in the last three odd years, I too have changed. Whenever, I go see the memories on Facebook (yeah, you have that feature on facebook) or for that matter on Timehop (yeah, there is an app too for that!!), I wistfully smile, thinking about the past. The good times, the frustrations, and the future that I had imagined for myself. 

Is it the same? 

When I sit back and think about that, I believe that each of our actions mould the future that we will have. You can't really overthink about how things ought to happen. 
Because, when life happens, all your plans fall apart. 

You need some real magic to be able to stay on the track that you have in your mind imagined. And, twist of fate, like they call, is always a challenge to conquer. 

I can timehop into the past thanks to all the memories, but can't hop into the future, because each day is different than what you have imagined. Now and always! 

Friday, May 15, 2015

Tell Me your Dreams?

Dreams change.
From when you are young, to when you get older. 

I won't say wiser, because it is not that dreamers are not wise, it is just that, the dreamers don't care; about broken dreams of the past.

I remember that from a very very young age, I wanted to just get married [Yes, I am obsessed with marriage!!]. I used to often in my dream world and my fantasy land, dress up like a bride/ princess, with all the jing bang, and then wait for my prince charming. [Yes, the disney books and the indian alif lailas are also to be blamed for the way I behaved]. 
Then, as a teenager, I think my dream was only to have that proud moment with my Mom. [I was still obsessed with marriages but not of my own!] I was able to actually achieve that when my Xth standard board exams results came. 
And then during high school, my only only dream was to maybe have a bf, get my mom to agree to wax my arms and legs, to be able to wear nice sexy clothes (like all the fashionistas wore in my school); but most importantly, to have "that" set of friends, who would be there for life and to fit in. Typical high school misfit wishlist! [Now looking back, I should have just concentrated on my studies!]
College on the other hand was a major surprise. I fit right in. 
Oh, strike that off, I was the "Queen" in college. The topper, the charmer, I had an amazing boyfriend, and I was the most famous girl in college. BUT. 
[Yes there is always the but! And I am no saint!!]
But, I did not have the right internships, and even if I had the right internships, I did not have the right ideas to approach the firms for a pre placement offer; and at that point in time, that was my biggest dream. My Career. 
Things changed over the years, 5 years of law school later, while I was dreaming of getting a nice cushy corporate job, I had to get into litigation (that was the only thing that was available) and 8 months later, when there was a merger of sorts, and finally I was in the "Law Firm League". I have had the best time of my life while working that law firm.
I had the best boss, an exposure to the work that I really liked and most of all, the friends that I made. There were obviously some things that were not perfect, but then, it was a time, when I was content with the work that I was doing.
I practically had the whole career path and the life path chalked out.
And then I got married.

The marriage was probably the best thing that has happened to me, because, now, I have changed my dreams. I want to be able to make my family, and put time in to it, but at the same time due the constraints of living in a world where money is a bane and a boon, there are compromises that have to be made, and those are being made.
While I try to look for a work life balance, it is sad that the work bit of it is not working out.. the career dream is going nowhere and that is making me frustrated.

The illusions of life, often leave you wondering what are the dreams, and when will we ever get to fulfil them.. If we will ever get to fulfil them!