Saturday, May 30, 2009

Life in the slow lane.....

YIPEEEEE!!! The theory examinations are finally over... the whole month went into them.. and the stress was evident. (Last few posts were a witness to that).

Thank you all the readers who bore the brunt of my mad mood swings...!!! Love you guys.

Now, that the exams are over and I have all the time in the world to contemplate and think about all the useless things in the world... my mind refuses to do just that. And frankly speaking I DO NOT care. I have realised, that I have become toooooooo predictable ... be it the clothes or the routine... I am looking to do something realllly crazy... No brainwave has come as yet.. as soon as it comes, you will be the first ones to know. 
So, basically there is nothing to do... but a lot of house work to do... like: I do the dishes each night after dinner. Somehow, dirty dishes during the night in the kitchen sink gives me nightmares of roaches etc and that makes me uncomfy and today- I did the dusting for the entire house. Thanks to the weather, there was so much of visible dust that I could not even cheat. So chores are a part of my routine now a days...
And apart from that- There is really nothing to do. (On days on which I don't have my dance that is).

Oh, my younger sister got her 10th class result.. she scored a whooping 89% but poor gal still got a nice scolding from my mum. The reason being Mom was expecting waaaaay much higher percentage and well, my sis did work overtly hard for these goddamn boards. The entire excitement about her result reminded me of my result day 7 years back... the whole hoopla around it was just too much and it is so clear in my memory till date that I can almost feel the tension of that day. For me, till the 10th grade, I had THE most wonderful time of my school life. All of my defining moments and the person who I am is thanks to those 11 years of Schooling that I had in Air Force Bal Bharati School. 
And I am reminded of the great times at school because of a picture that was uploaded by my friend on Orkut. This picture was taken 17 years back(FREAK- I even remember my First  day at school... it can't be that long ago... or maybe it is.. )when I was in K.G. and its a group picture of all the kids who had participated in the fancy dress competition... those were the days...each year has a great memory associated with it... I knew I could dance when I won my first ever dance competition in school at the age of 5 and after that I participated in each of the annual day functions... we all wish that- e could go back to being kids... but I know we cant.. and I am so so so glad that I had such great years at school to compensate for the 11th and 12th grade that I had (Never Change schools... after 10th grade. It SUCKS) 
I know I have talked alot about My school alot in this post... but there is one lil thing that I wanna share before I change the subject... that is... Being in an air force school taught me how to be down to earth and friendly even to the unknown... every year we had new admissions and transfers... I met people from all over India and became their first friend. That was like so cool, that there were a few of us who were the constants and learned to attach ourselves with the maintain the balance in the equation...

Enough about the school... now I am a grown up.. and life has changed... alot. And I have been having trouble and arguments with my dear one... for a month... and thank heavens... that has finally come to a rest. No I have no idea if all the issues have been sort... but I am back at being the practical girlfriend that I was (or atleast that is what I think). Shayon and I met yesterday after a huge gap (yeah- two weeks seemed huge..and we only met in december last year after a year of staying apart- Some double standards we have.. :P) and guess what? I got a gift... yeah- I got a stuff toy/pillow in the shape and looks of a devil (Shayon likes to call himself the devil.. ) cute na... ? 

The Devil, My Gift.

Yup, that's about all that I wanted to write about... life's slowing down a bit thanks to holidays and summers... lets see if the brainwave comes...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


.... make you fall flat on your face.
Its better to keep low... somehow- the initial pain is lesser than the one... after a failed expectation... 
broken dreams... are like shattered mirrors- you see your failure- in tiny pieces which hurt like hell when they pierce you.

PS: Comments are off for this post. Just don't want any sort of advice or sympathy or apathy.. or anything as of now. Sorry.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

100 Truths...

The title just sounds crazy... but its actually a list of questions and answers about me... (self possessed as I am..!!! ) So, you are most welcome to read it and do it yourself. Its a kind of tag.. 
so here goes...
1. Last beverage – diet coke

2. Last phone call- Shayon

3. Last text message – Kashvi

4. Last song you listened to – Crazier by Taylor Swift

5. Last time you cried – Last night when I din get to talk to Shayon


6. Dated someone twice? – No

7. Been cheated on? – Yeah, kinda

8. Cried yourself to sleep? – have been doing that alot lately

9. Lost someone special? – Yeah..

10. Been depressed? – Yes

11. seen ghosts – Yup- When I was a kid, the night light used make scary forms on the wall and I used get up scared of the 'Ghosts'...


12. black
13. green
14. white


15. Made new friends – Yes
16. Fallen out of love – no

17. Laughed until you cried – yeah

18. Met someone who changed you – yes

19. Found out who your true friends were – absolutely... and I realised I have few of em..

20. Found out someone was talking about you – yes

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list - yes :)

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life – quite a few..

23. How many kids do you want to have – two

24. Do you have any pets – No

25. Do you want to change your name – Naaaa... suits my profession

26. What did you do for your last birthday – It was nothing great... 

27. What time did you wake up today – 9.30 am

28. What were you doing at midnight last night – Studying..

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for – get a job...

30. Last time you saw your father – 5 seconds back

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life – being more of my life...

32. What are you listening to right now – My sister trying to play guitar

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – YES

34. What's getting on your nerves right now? – the heat and the nerves..

36. Whats your real name – Sakshi
37. Relationship Status - dating

38. Zodiac sign - Virgo

39. Male or female – Female

40. Natural Hair color? - black

41. Hair color now – black with brown, copper and blode streaks

42. Pet Peeve – Nothing really

43. Need Glasses- wear em

44. Long or short – height- Short, hair- Longish

45. Height - 5'2

46. Do you have a crush on someone – Yes- My dance instructor Rajiv... he is the OMG kinda Guy..

47. What do you like about yourself? – I think I am flexible...

48. Piercings – ears

49. Tattoos – i wish

50. Righty or lefty - righty


51. First surgery – No... unless stiches count.. that happened when I was 7.

52. First piercing – ears on my 9th Birthday

53. First tattoo - still waiting

54. First best friend – Surabhi 

55. First sport you joined – swimming
56. First pet – never had any

57. First vacation – It was to either Shimla, or Manali- And I was a baby- I know of it because I have been told about it soooooo many times..and there are pictures to prove that too...

59. First crush- My dentist's son..

60. First alcoholic drink – Wine, red.


61. Eating – Nothing

62. Wearing – Shorts and spaghetti top...

63. I'm about to – go watch the IPL final.. or lay the table for dinner...

64. Speaking to – No one

65. Waiting to – eat


66. Want kids? – yes
67. Want to get married? – yesssss

68. Careers in mind? – well- no choice- its gotta be law

69. Lips or eyes – lips
70. Hugs or kisses – both :)
71. Shorter or taller- taller
72. Older or Younger – older
73. Romantic or spontaneous – spontaneous
74. Nice stomach or nice arms – nice arms
75. Tattoos or piercings- NONE
76. Sensitive or loud- sensitive
77. Hook-up or relationship – a relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant- a mixture


79. Kissed a stranger - no
80. Drank hard liquor - yep
81. Lost glasses/contacts - yes, very recently... 
82. Sex on first date – no
83. Broken someone's heart – YUP...
84. Had your own heart broken – Yeahhhh
85. Been arrested?- No ways...
86. Turned someone down - yes
87. Cried when someone died - yes
88. got someone into trouble intentionally – No..


89. Yourself – somedays
90. Miracles – yes
91. Love at first sight – yes
92. Heaven – Noooo
93. Santa Claus – Yes. I loooove to make list for the gifts...
94. Kissing on the first date? - yes
95. Angels – Kind of..


96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? – yes, yes.. and yes

97. Had more than one boyfriend/ girlfriend at one time? – No

98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? – I think you can, if you try really hard.

99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? – my memories

100. Posting this as 100 truths? - I guess so... 

Friday, May 22, 2009

I Miss you, even though I do not Say it often...

... Because every time I think of the 17 years that we spent together.. make me cry.
No, sweetie- just because- I do not think of you or talk about... or avoid talking about.. doesn't mean that you are not a part of my life... 
The 17 years.. the growing up years- the memories... they will never fade. 

I often dream about you. Dream about a life that would have been, had you been around. It still jolts me when I realise that you are long gone, leaving a void in my life that no one can ever fill. No amount of close friends... best friends...
One the last letters that I have of you- says- That- 'I wonder, how am I ever going to fall in love with a guy... the way you love me ... no one can ever do it...' 
Same to back to you... even though I have a long list of crushes and guys... and now a boyfriend... no one can fill that void. You know why? because- maybe my boyfriend can hurt me... but you I know would have never hurt me or never let anyone hurt me.

In time the pain may become bearable- but today ... now- Its not. Its squeezing my heart... and making me cry. I miss you.
For all those who don't know- This post is for my soul mate, my friend and my first cousin who committed suicide 5 years back under depression. She was just 17. And, on 22nd May 2004 she died. She was my better half. Even though we were born of different mothers, we were bought up alike. I hope that she is in peace now. 

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I am Ok...

Roop- Atleast that is what I am guessing. I am ok.. last night we a.k.a Shayon and I talked for a long time, that about nothing in purticular. 
We both were testing each other's Bollywood knowledge... and I realised that I am pretty good in guessing songs and movies... 
But, Yeah- There is a BUT again. I was not angry yesterday... will I be in as happy a jolly mood... again tonight? 
It seems that- I am having major mood swings... I am mostly angry... My pleas of help.. are kind of falling in deaf ears... I have been advised to learn to be a little more tolerant. Just wondering- how far can I strech... 
Four exams have gone by. 27th is the last paper. I am pretty much free... after that. I don't think that the heat is going help me go out during the days. I just hope I can conjure up some excuses to go meet Shayon. The least I can do is atleast make sure that we meet once a week... more than that is bonus.
I realised something- That its not that I don't have love in my life... its the phobia of being alone... Lonely. I hate this word and hate it even more when it becomes operative in my life.
I know I have been writing a slew of depressing posts.. but somehow sharing it with you all makes me feel better... bear with the bad moods... good ones are just round the corner...

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I want to be numb.
I don't want feel the hurt. The pain. ANYTHING.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Lots of Thanks to MOO...!!!

With all the gratitude... and love- I wish that- Whenever you write your book- You win the Booker... and all the prestigious awards.

The reason for all the good wishes (though I feel- that good wishes should never be shelled out with a reason... for people who deserve it... they should just be given... always)- Moo, has been a darling and has gushed such great things about me in her blog post. Its always a pleasure to get appreciated for your work.
Thank you again Moo.

I have no idea- how I cam across your blog... but I do know- that its always so awesome to hear about all your experiences... and laugh or cry with them.  In this BIG world of blog... your love makes me feel special and a part of this community.

I know it sounds like Mutual Admiration Society type speech... but it is the truth. 
PS: UPDATE more regularly. Please.

I feel...

That communication is the key.
But- is it fair to say it all at the risk of hurting the ONE so special person?

Shayon says that its ok, because- one day it will come out... and make it much worse...!!!
I have risked it already... what do you all have to say about it??

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I do not know.
heart aches.
wish to death.
no romance.
fake laughs.
dark circles.
sleepless nights.

Just a few words, summing up my life... Now.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Blah Life... The Maid, The exam and the Anger...

 I agree with Kashvi, that during the exams, stress makes life worse than what it really is. Its almost like the exam stress is visible because of that huge fat pimple that refuse to go away even with the best of the creams.

My second exam, that was today went off well. I just hope that, the examiner also agrees with my train of thoughts and gives me great marks.

The weekend though was not something that was happy... it was actually a terrible weekend... and thus the post. 
First The maid woes- My maid left on Sunday. And we are already counting the days till her return. Cooking is what really bears the brunt of no maid. And tempers tend to flare more than required. Because nobody really cooks in my house... and, even though my Grandmom with all her wisdom etc is the bestest grandmom... her cooking of certain things and everyday cooking are way apart... Add to that her fav vegetables... and I will not have food till those veggies are out of sight.

Friday was a blablah day. I made a HUGE fool of myself in front of my first crush... I mean I was actually hyperventilating... almost like I was back to my early teenage years yearning for his attention... 
a bit of conversation went like this- 
We were all sitting in our club... (He happens to be family friend's son, Mumbai was being taken for a ride by Delhi, and He being a HUGE sachin fan was in a grim was almost time for them to leave when I tell to his mom..)

Me: Aunty, your Italian dinner is due... when do we do it?
Aunty: *angelic expression +a smile on her face*
Uncle: Beta, why don't we do one thing... you tell your aunty what all you need and you come to 
            our house and cook...
Me: Uncle are you scared that I will cook badly...?
Uncle: No, beta... its just that we all will help you cook... and it will be a fun thing to do... 
Crush: I am pre- warning you, I can do nothing...when it comes to cooking, the best I can do is 
             bread-butter or bread jam...
Me: Yeah yeah... thanks but no thanks...
Uncle: Why do you have to worry... He (My crush) is a big MCP (Male Chauvinist Pig) and I                      know how to get him to work...
Me: *Appalled* laughing my head off* Sorry crush... I did not mean to instigate that kind of a                  response from  your dad...

Can any one imagine... my embarrassment...
Well, that was Friday... and well... I moved on...

But Saturday... and a Conversation with Shayon... made me realise that, I am losing my patience somewhere.. its almost like, My anger has taken over my sense of being practical...but, is that so??
I mean- not only Shayon, the next morning.. on a lil trigger, I went ballistic on Arushi also... giving her a lecture on her attitude... and how I am just tired of being butt of all the jokes.
I have become highly sensitive... and I can't even blame PMS for it... because I take all the responsibility of my actions... 
But, really- The questions that I wanted answered from Shayon have not yet been answered... it is almost like... a cold war... I know that I am talking to him... but there is something odd about the way we are talking... and I have everything to do with it...
I know, I was harsh on him for all the things that I said to him. But- the other side of the coin says, that If I do not try and put forward what is bottling up inside... it will come out like a volcanic eruption destroying more than it intended too. I have gone on the 'guilt trip' after having the talk with him...  but, either ways its not helping me...
I am getting a little toooo messed up in my mind... I myself have never seen this 'all too sensitive side' of mine... I am way toooo confused...
And I hate all this even more- Because exams are on... even with a week off in between the papers... it is the exam time...

UGH- I feel.. Funny. 

Monday, May 4, 2009


You know, sometimes, when I look back into the past, I feel that, I wish that I could alter somethings in my past life... 
But then, I realize- Past is past and I can't change it. What I can really do is make sure that I do not repeat the same mistake again. After all- ' To err is Human... and to forgive is divine',(But this saying is losing its significance everyday... )

I am going to share a story with you all in this post, I have no idea, why am I sharing this, but somehow I felt that- I need to.

Once there was a girl. Very average looking and equally average in all the spheres. She was neither good in studies, nor really great at sports, arts or anything of that sorts. Then, when she started school, she thought that maybe, being in a 'group' would help her find her identity in school. But, because she was so average she did not fit in. 
Then she thought, ok, I do not fit in, but I can try to be like them... or like the others. All through her school life, she tried to be like the others so that she can be friends with them. But she never could find true friends. Later in college, she again tried to be friends. But, she was snubbed. Because- she was snobbish for all. Always craving attention. Again she found no true friends.
But- On facebook and on orkut- She found her classmates back, from those school days, when she was trying to fit in. They all became friends. But not really friends. Years, had passed by. And I saw, the groups that she was yearning to be a part off, were broken. Because, she realised, that they all were a group for the heck of it. Not really true friends. The test of time... and something as small as shuffling of sections could not hold them together. 

Today, she knows, that even though they are on each other's friends list... they are no more friends. Because, friends, are friends, not because of convenience but because... they care.
And that girl, till date- Doesn't have a 'group' doesn't really have friends . Just one best friend. That best friend has group and she is jealous. But then again. She is very average... and she doesn't really fit in. She is always a 'tag along' because- no group of friends means no plans... no parties. But, then... she doesn't really fit in.

As she sits and thinks about this- she realises, that, its not that she doesn't fit in... but its because, she was never accepted as herself . She thinks, I am glad that I did not change for any one and I am me. And she thinks, that,  God's blessings are the friends that accept you the way you are. Those are the friends that are tough to find... 
She prays- That all the people in the world who have these set of true friends- always remember- That even though they are not the same... they are together because- They love each other and care for each other... and not because they want to fit in. These are friends who stay on for life...

God bless them.

You know, why I shared this story... because- Its my story. I do not have the group of friends... I have never really fit in. Despite the fact that I get jealous... of all of them who have a life outside of being friend... and in that life I am not included... I feel happy- because- I am not pretending anymore. And I pray- That, the group of friends that I know, remain friends forever... because they care and not because it was friendship of convenience. 

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Its always much nicer to sit down and write a post after your first exam.
It was awesome. 

But the day was terrible!!! As if it was not feeling weird giving an exam on Sunday... 
My pens yeah not one but all, refused to comply with the writing speed that I wanted them to have... Only I know how finished my paper... 
But the biggest thing that happened today was that- I lost my specs... No I can read... and write w/o them but with constant headaches being the result... so... am pretty much doomed minus my specs as far as studies go.... 

Oh- The more valuable thing that was lost during the day... was by my dear dad- He managed to get his pocket picked... the one with his phone in it. OUCH.
That meant- A new phone... ASAP. Thus came the Nokia 3600... to our family of phones... Amongst all of us... My mom, who got this phone.... (dad took back his old phone from mom) has THE most sophisticated phone now.... awesome...

Hmmm- Another thing that happened about an hour and a half back was a fight with Shayon. And I am talking to him. 
I mean, its one thing to be passionate about something.... but does that really license you to ignore the other person... if that is it... then, well, I have no idea how to cope with the hurt and rejection of it.... (Imagine being saut to a freaking GAME- WARCraft).
I do not usually get worked about these little issues.... but of late- I have been constantly being reminded of being IGNORED. By a lot of people who I don't really give a hoot about... but being ignored by the Person... who I give a lot more than a hoot about... OUCH and OUCH again....

Saturday, May 2, 2009

God Bless My Parents...!!!

About a few weeks back, I read a post on DC's blog. 
The post was a very simple description of the ideal guy in her life and the one that she would like to marry.
The end conclusion was- That a girl will normally fall in love with a guy who is like her dad.
I know why that is true for me....
here is a lil story that my Father told me and my sister last night... (BTW- My parents have been together for 35 years, though they have been married only for 24 years... yeah they dated for sooooooo long, thus this story is from one of their dating days.)
The year is not really known, but, at that time Dad was working as an apprentice (something like that) in Mumbai. When he decided to come to Delhi for a break- he called up Mom, and asked her to receive him at the station. It so happened that, he could not get the train ticket to Delhi... 
Now, we are talking about a time when, there were STD booths, no cell phones and absolute restrictions on talking on the phones late at night or anytime... especially for my Mom at her parents house. And we are also talking about those times when airplane tickets were not a cheap commodity...
So, when my father had no means of informing my mom about his misfortune and he was also worried that she will get all harassed and worried waiting for him at the station... he took a flight to Delhi.
Now, isn't that, like the sweetest thing...!!! I swear, I have never seen another couple so much in love... and my mom muses that their love story was like that of Aditi and Rats in Jaane tu, ya Jaane na... 
God Bless my Parents...!!! Love them soooo much.... MUAH