Friday, December 26, 2008

Bitter Sweet taste of a Goodbye....

Its a beautiful saturday afternoon, and as I look up from the laptop, I can see from the window of my room, the sea. I can hear the road below.

The faces are the same. The talk is the same. But its not home yet. I have been in Mumbai, and in little less than a week, I would be back home.
Back to the usual bickering self.

I am very excited to go back to Delhi, but then at the same time my heart hurts to say goodbye to this city till the next tryst...
the first question that everyone would ask me here in Mumbai, after getting to know that I am from Delhi is, 'Which city do you like more? Delhi or Mumbai?' Call me whatever, but I love both the cities.
Like I always say, Delhi is home... but Mumbai is dreams.
Mumbai has given me, My boyfriend... but above all has given me a sense of self assurance. Given me a taste to freedom.
As I go to the Churchgate station every night after work, I feel proud to be a part of the bustling crowd of the city, who have the spirit that can make even the laziest person proactive.

Its been a beautiful one month. The work was great. I had really nice colleagues , interns from National Law schools, who din treat me like shit because I belonged to a college other than the National Law school. the gang of girls I really like to mention here were from NALSAR hyderabad, Yasha, Neha, Aanchal and Veena. In Delhi, I have never interacted with such chilled out girls.

The greatest experience that I had was on the girls night out... I have never done this. (Ofcourse in Delhi you cant do this only, what with the major glitch in the not so safe for girls public transport system) in Delhi, where 10 pm is like OMG, its so fucking late, this was the usual time to get out of office. Not dependent on my Dad for rides or rather the auto waalas for a ride back home, it felt like that finally I have grown up.

The cherry on the top was, the amount of quality time that Shayon and I got to spend with each other... if nothing else, there was the marine drive to just sit and gaze out to the see with the love of your life holding your hand or pulling you close to him.

In Delhi, the weather is cold. And, I am getting ready to experience the challenge of a new kind.
As I finally start the countdown to the New Year, I am counting the days to go back home.
Its time for the bitter sweet goodbye,
adios, Mumbai, a city where dreams are woven... and where dreams are lived...!!!
Bye, till we meet again....

And now.... finally this...

My fucked up morning took a turn, and things have become rosy and happy...!!
I don't feel like killing Shayon's college...!!!

I am happy.
Now, I just want to be at peace with my own consciense... That too shall happen..!!!

And now... THIS????

The only thing that really fucks up the best laid plans which Shayon and I get excited about is , his college.
Maybe not always, but yeah lately, its just getting on to me..!!!
I wish and I wish that there was a way I could got to Jamshedpur in that godforsaken place called National Institute of Technology and kill a few people.

Why cant both of us just be happy and content about the way things are going? Why does this stupid thing called destiny intervene...
Yes am angry.
I am sad..
But above all, I am hurt.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

So, now what?

I cant believe that today is Christmas and that its like one week to this years end... My stay in Mumbai is almost over.
There was the usual partying and there was a lot of work. If work was tough, then it was the end of the day that I looked forward to....when Shayon used to come and pick me from work... that hug, was worth the stress all day. 
And now that he is moving to Delhi, I am wishing and hoping that we get to see more of him and to experience the joys of a 'regular relationship'. 
Yes I am happy about it...
But, I am very nervous about it too. 
I dunno what to expect. Because, somewhere down there in my heart, I feel very bad about dating behind my parents back. Call me an ostrich, but here in Mumbai, coz my parents are not alone, and I dont have to report back to them, I am ok with it. But in Delhi, I would be a nervous wreck... coz I don't think that every Saturday I would be able to maro bahanaas so that I can meet my dear boyfriend. And that, I am worried would really irk Shayon. Therefore, sweetie pie, I am gonna try hard not to disappoint you. 

I am happy and am nervous... so Now what??

Saturday, December 20, 2008

This time it was different.

Whenever, I thought that God knows, how are Shayon and I gonna survive each other for such a long period of time, I used to shudder. I remember, when Geetu Bhabi, first got to know about my LDR, she told me about her friends who though were fine staying together, but din really survive the relationship staying together.

But, last night, when Shayon and I were sitting on the marine drive (for all those who dunno what marine drive is, check google) I felt the difference. There was a time when we met after a long period of time for such a short while, that al we wanted to do was to Kiss each other all the time. (Trust me, you DAMN well miss the touchy feely part... all the time) But, like I was saying, last night was different... we just sat there and talked... about how we managed to stay in this relationship despite the temptations and despite all the problems... about, what we really want from our lives.. and about the fact that how special and strong our bond has grown over the years.

It was the Best date that we have had in the last 3 years and 10 and a half months. 

I dunno how many of you remember that post, which started the series of my Love story.. where in  I had talked about how Shayon was worried that, after spending the month together now what??

So, here is the solution, Shayon is moving to Delhi, coz of his new job. Its the greatest news that has come my way the entire year.
For Shayon it was a tough decision to make, he was given an option of three cities including Mumbai and Banglore... but he chose Delhi. I am overwhelemed by this decision... and the cherry on the top? His office is like 10 mins away from my house....

It was a tough year, but I guess, Patience is a Virtue... Thank you God, for inculcating me with just that.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Its been the most wonderful days of my life.
For a change I was carefree, not really caring about anything... not about how i looked, not about what i did...
I realised that I had the capability of actually being a 22 year old, w/o heaving the responsibilities of the world on my shoulders..

I love being myself... hanging around with my boyfriend.... gossiping around the office... running in and out.. travelling by the train all alone... 
but at the same time- I wonder... can I be myself minus the guilt of being irresponsible and what not???

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Living- Each day, each Moment... n Loving it...

It was a terrible ordeal to see people dying in Mumbai, and that too being shown on TV, live. 

It was, after the mayhem was over, and the analysis was coming, did all the people start saying and questioning the fact that, if the posh n the powerful too can become target to terror... then a common man might just as well, get itself army trained for self defence.

It was amongst these political analysis, and the talk of vulnerability, that there was a small article about, how we takes things for granted and that how we need to amend that. 

Now, that I am in Mumbai, and that I have met Shayon, after a whole freaking year.... things are settling down. Its been one week, that we have been with each other physically... that alot of dimensions of a relationships have come into the purview. 

I remember that there were times when talking over the phone, after a while there was just nothing to talk about... and then there was this silence that we dreaded... but today, when we were walking on the beach, holding hands, there was no need to talk.Despite the silence the need to talk  always has gone, we communicate by the simple touch of our hands... and each look in our eye.
I know, how precious are these moments... like when...
On a weekday, when he comes to pick me up from work, and gives me a hug, after a long day's work, I feel despite the tiredness, a refreshing uplift in mood, howsoever bad the day had gone by. 
When we fight over silly things then look at each other and laugh it out....

Its, like living a life being at peace with myself. I wish this could remain this way.

But, Shayon is moving to Delhi for some time. There with my college and his work... I just hope that we are able to spend some quality time with each other,,, and together create memories that we may cherish forever.

The blasts and the attack on Mumbai, has totally scarred the Indian indian mind, One thing that it has done is, to put in people a zeal to really live. I know, that I wanna live and live with the full spirit of Living...
and I am loving and cherishing each moment spend with the one I love....

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Saturday, December 6, 2008

the wait is gonna be over soon....

Its after 1 am at night... I have been going to bed after 2 for the past two nights and getting up early morning to go for work...not that i am complaining...
But tomorrow, Shayon is finally going to be in Mumbai. After a whole year we are gonna meet. And I feel like NERVOUS.... my tummy is fluttering. and I cant get any sleep... and I am watching Love Actually ... and that doesn't help either....

Now, I am just counting the hours... and hoping and praying for the Best...!!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Disasters....dreams fall along the Taj...

I am a disaster waiting to happen.
I swear on God... If I had him in front of me... I would ask him, why does he always do the things that are wrong.
The past year was a very tough year, not only for me, but also for our Nation. If the forces were not fighting and solving the terrori attacks... they were fighting the internal security in the name of Raj Thakrey's Maharashtra Campaign.... the naxalites... and the Bajrang Dal.
How exciting na??

Someone once told me, that the once who indulge in voilence have a disorder...they are mentally sick... what can we do about the mentally sick people...!!!

Thanks to their sickness, one of the biggest oppurtunities that I have gotten for ma career... is gonna go down the drain.... I don't think I am going to go to mumbai after the attcaks... not that I don't want to go... but because my dad...
He is dad... and I can't say a thing to him... can...I. I am just hoping... That all the stuff of patience is virtue.... does pay off....!!! I can't let my dreams slipping away... again.... Oh God... PLease Help...!!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

The year that was...

When Shayon got the chance to come for the third time in a year, he told me, Now that I am getting a chance to meet you so often... I am sure, things are gonna get lot tougher....and he did not say truer words...!!!
This year started in the worst possible note... I had a fight at home, coz dad was not taking us out for a new year party.... especially coz there was a major maid problem that was happening at my place. Shayon went to calcutta in the mean time to be with his friends.... since he was on roaming, we were talking really less.
The major blow came, when he told me one night, that he needed a break... and that he did not want to talk to me unless it was very important.... I thought that we are gonna end up... but well, it was not the ending at all...
It was hard enough, that I had control every urge in my body to pick up my phone and call him and shout at him and to tell him that I don't care...But I did not do that... instead I remained calmed... I cried alot.... but tried my best not to bother him.
This continued, till, May, when his brother was getting married. (We did talk... but there were a lot of uncomforatble silences...!!!) 

I guess, alot changed after that marriage.... beacuse we started talking again, but somehow, we just couldn't manage a meeting....whenevr there was a trip that was gonna materialize... something or the other came up...
This has been the toughest year, that has gone by... because....we truely tested what we were made off... and I am proud to say that Love did preavail...!!!
Its been three years nine months and a few days that I have been in this relationship.... and every new twist and turn that was put forth us, we have been through that, together. I have learned not to jump to conslusions... and keep patience where his anger is concerned...moreover I have learned to have faith.... if not in God then on the relationship that I am nurtring.... there were many instances in our realtionship when patience ran really low.... but that is when faith prevailed....that is where love came....
It is a log journey.... and I am ready to embrace the challenges.... not beacuse I am brave, but beacuse I know that I have someone who loves me by my side to guide me through the challenges....of love and life....

Best Holi...Scary Navratras... and warming in the winter...!!

Best Friends are true to their name.... even when we were to go to mumbai, had it not been a little pushing here and there by her, I wouldn't have had that awesome week....!!!
Now, the most damage that your closeness and your openess with your boyfriend can do is, get your best friend really mad at you because, you spoil her surprise.
Holi in 2007 was a really special festival for Shayon and Me.
Not because we celebrated it together, but because, the pursuation came from Priyam.
She actually talked Shayon into coming here and celebrating holi with us. What went wrong was, that it was a surprise and Shayon told me about it.
Ofcourse Priyam was very angry... but we did manage to pacify her. A day before holi, Shayon came to my house for lunch. Unfortunately, my parents were not home. As a matter of fact, no one but my maid,sister and myself were at home. That was cool...!!!
Holi was also good fun. What with lots of friends and food....especially the most special guy of my life...

His next trip was in Navratras, that was in October. The reason was- An attempt to get our relationship back on track. (I dunno, whether I should be telling what had happened... all I can say is that it was related to Tania and this completely shook me... The only The only reason that I listened and did not break down was because this time Shayon told me himself... and he was no too happy about it either...!!!) That trip, was great in its own way. Beacuse he came and met my parents, no not as my guy but as my friend. They had lunch together. Dad seemed comfy with him, mom as always was aloof...!!! It was in this trip that I met one of Shayon's closest friend.... Abhishek Karmakar. 

And Finally, the last time that we met, I tried having an official date with Shayon.... ofcourse my mom all, oh my God no... but I did get permission finally , we had dinner.... and he dropped me home only with a promise that the next morning he would cook breakfast for me. ( He was at a friend's place, a bachelor's pad...!!) It was the most most wonderful breakfast that I had, had. And that was the last time that I had met him.... its been a year....
The year that was- Coming up next...!!!

An awesome week...!!!

Why did I give a second chance to Shayon, after that episode with Tanima... I dunno...!!! Love makes you do mad things, but even the maddest can't stand lies and cheating.... But I did.... for...
I trusted him...!!!
6th June 2006 to 14th June 2006, was a week that is always going to be special to both Shayon and me. Because I was in Mumbai for that period. Even though I had Arushi and a My two cousins and Priyam along, it was great fun to just be with him minus the thought of my parents catching us.
I am going to let Shayon tell you about this trip, because, after all he is the hero.
The next post will talk about the next three trips of Shayon....!!!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Major blow that was....

Thanks to my tutions and to TRAI who finally decided that the cell phone companies were being too harsh, that the rates on STD came down, and Shayon and I were able to talk on phone more often.
The first year of being in the relationship was coming to an end... the all so important first anniversary was coming up. The tution money made sure that the funds were just adequate so that we could talk at a strech. And I sent him some small tids and bits for our anniversary, a card, a letter and a small lil show peice in crystal.

As a chance would have it, I was short of money on just that day...and thus we really din get to talk. To top that I had my exams during that time and Shayon was kind of busy getting ready for his college fests... so basically it din seem like an anniversary to me. And I was pissed more so coz, My best friend Priyam had recieved an amazing promise ring from her boyfriend, and I din even get a chance to talk to him.
But that was just another passing phase. We normally had our fights related to his time being only for his 'friends' and not for me. The funny thing though is, that since it was really hard to track him coz of is careless ways, I used call up his friends in college (who now happen to be my great friends as well) and ask them to tell Shayon that he should call me up. 

About a week after the 14th feb 2006, I was in the middle of my tution class. I had given them a test and they were working on it, when one our friend called me up. It wasn't unusual coz his friends often called me up to track him through me or to generally say hi or you know to discuss girls....!!! After talking to him for a few minutes he said he wanted to talk to me about Shayon. I was like yeah sure...!! (I thought he had gotten into trouble again with the faculty)
That is when he asked me, if I knew what Shayon had done on the 14th.... 
"Arre, he said he had gone out with a few friends, to a temple and all... kyun kya hua?"
The Friend- "Tujhe pata hai, Tania kaun hai??"
Me- "Nahin... hogi koi dost... par hua kya??"
Friend- "Do you know he had gone out on a date with her...?"
I was not really unnerved by this, because I knew that he was women's man... and he had many girl friends like we referred to it. And I was also not less... coz mostly I was out with guys. 
Me- "Haan toh?"
Friend- "Not only that, I have seen his sms, and there is a personal exchange of them too... what is happening with you guys?? "
 I mumbled a good bye to him feeling rather lost... and used. I promised our friend that I will not tell on him, and I will not call up Shayon then and there. I was so devasted that I broke the very first rule that I myself had made, that in doubt I'll talk to him first rather than taking out conclusions.
I went in my lost state to Priyam, who inturn made me call up Karma (another great friend) with whom I was definately at my rudest best and asked him whether Shayon had gone for that date or not. He said he had no idea about that. Though he definately knows that Shayon had gone out. The next person we called was Dipayan... another of Shayons' close friend and this time Priyam talked to him coz I just din have the heart to talk. (Dipayan, has not been talking to me since then...!!!) He confirmed, that yes there was a Tania and that they had gone out.

In the mean time, I asked Priyam to let me be. I came back home, and Karma called to pacify me. Though he din know the details he knew Shayon was in trouble and he had called to make me think rationally. In another 5-7 minutes.... Shayon got to know that I had been inquiring. He called me up.

I was cranky, irrational and absolutely disgusted. I told him that I din mind anything but the lies. And the fact that a third person is coming up to me and telling me about his 'date'. I wanted an explanation. This was the first major fight that we had had. It lasted one whole night. 
I dunno, what other boys would have done, I know that Shayon accepted his mistake and apologised. 
Despite his telling me not to, I called up Tanima and shouted at her.
I know he was not cheating me. I was pissed at the fact that he din tell me. It was our anniversary you see and he had no right to make it special for someone else other than me. But he made it up to me when we met for the second time- In Mumbai, we were together for a week....Details coming up next....!!!

First Date... and the first Job..!!!

For Shayon's birthday that we celebrated as a couple, I had sent him "Love Story" by Eric Segal. In his own words he never thought that he would ever read it, but he read it twice, the second time only till the couple is happy...even though there were lowdowns in his real life...!!!
The lack of money that was not affecting till my parents were out hit us really bad when my parents came back because,
1) I was not allowed to stay up all night, even on the pretext of studying... forget the internet.
2) I devasted my parents' hopes by deciding to quit engineering and do anything else. Since, it was like really late into the year and no admissions were happening.... my father got me admitted in a B-grade college. (Ofcourse, my mom doesn't like it, but since am happy and doing pretty well, all of us are not regretting the decision)

Being in a different college, I used to be back maximum by 3 pm. That gave me ample time to do anything and everything. It was then that my mother got me an offer to teach kids in the very same tution center where Arushi used to go. I jumped at the oppurtunity, not because I like doing charity, but beacuse that would give me a great way to pass time, and I would be earning atleast something. So, I became the tution teacher to 9th standard students, teaching them basically Science, Social Studies and once a week - English.
I used to help out with the younger kids also. 

Trust me, had that job not been in my kitty, I would have had a terrible first meeting with my boyfriend.
Three days before I was to meet Shayon for the first time, they gave me my first salary which was a meagre 1500 rupees. But at that time more than enough. 
Shayon came to Delhi from Jamshedpur (he had gone back to college) on 29th October, 2005, eight months after we had become boyfriend girlfriend. A night before that, Arushi's friends' had come over to celebrate her birthday. And coz I was suoer excited about Shayon coming, Priyam took me to her place for the night. After we had slept, that is she had slept and I was tossing and turning, I realised that I had no idea where to take Shayon for our date... coz I had never had one and that too at 8 in the morning...!!! (Shayon's train came at 6 am) So I woke up Priyam and she inturn woke up her boyfriend who told us that I can take him to Barista (THAT WAS THE ONLY PLACE OPEN).
So, next morning, I get ready to go meet my boyfriend. (I wore a salwar-kameez for my date...!!!) Since he had no idea about delhi, I asked him to meet me at that station.... I reached there and saw him.... (He had managed to get himself a room in paharganj for the night and therefore he had taken care to bathe himself and shave too...!!!)
Our fist real conversation was:
 " Hi! I am Sakshi" 
That too extending my hand... as if am meeting a client and not my boyfriend...!!! Yup, I was awkward. So from there we walked all the way to barista in C.P. and there was no holding hands... we were walking like two casual friends... and trust me he made no first moves what so ever...!!! In barista after we sat down and he went to order (we had ordered, a lemon ice tea for me and cafe latte for him) I saw that there were all couples around me and then when he came back to sit with me I very casually put my hand on top of his... phew... and the ice was finally broken.
I calmed down and blabbering became a lil less and I started making a lil more sense. For a talkative person Shayon was mostly smiling and not really talking much. It was at the movie that the first kiss happened... and I made the first move... (He was a  complete gentleman).
He was gonna leave the next day... and we had to meet ppl also... Yup, we met Priyam, one of my teacher's from my school and Arushi.
Those two days were really great.... that was the best weekend.... ofcourse the first time is really special. Fortunately, the chemistry that we shared through the net, phone and the snail mails was also present when we met.
How do you cope with infidelity.... and how do you really define it? I faced that on my first anniversary....!!! Coming up... next...!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

The first lowdown and the snailmails.....

I remember that after Shayon and I got together, the circumstances were such that I just couldn't meet and tell Priyam about it. Three days later, when I told her over the phone about us, she jus said one line- 'Sakshi, I Love you'.....
It was during this time, that private FM stations were sprouting up, and there were numerous love guru's on at the night solving the crisis for one and all. In one of those programs, I had heard that the Honeymoon period of any relationship is one to two years and then its time to face the reality. This happened to us well, very quickly. One evening, Shayon and I were talking on the phone when a second call came. He asked me hold while he took that call. It happened to be from Shayon's Dad's office, who had just recieved the phone bill for a whooping 30k and they refused to pay that. In the next few days we talked lesser on the landline, for a simple reason that the STD was locked. As soon as we realised that we were in trouble, the first person that Shayon confided in was, his mom. I had sent him a lovey-dovey card and his first love letter ever (it was the first letter that I too had written) and well, a pair of my earings. (Yup, he wanted them, dunno why...). So he simply showed her the card and told her about me. She was pretty cool with it... 
But when it came to explaining the phone bill... it was a tough job. Lot of shit and nonsense stories were told but finally the truth came out. (Just imagine what kind of  first impression I made... I get my boyfriend's dad to shell 30k from his pocket...!!!) Though there was no open disapproval but it was pretty apparent that he was not happy about me. Three and a half years back, STD even from cell phones was very expensive. Then the only mode of communication was the internet... it was back to chatting and e-mailing..... but then came another blow, the internet connection was taken off from Shayon's house.... 
Then the only mails that were done back and forth were when he went for his classes to NIIT, and I used to scrounge up 20 rupees a day and go to an STD booth and talk to him for 5 mins... or max 10 mins the day I had a lil more money.

It was then that we reverted to the olden and golden method of communication. The Snail mail. The very first letter that I recieved from him, was very special, he sent me three pictures of his.And it was something that he had writtenin that letter that really put foundation to the strong between us, he had written "Sweetheart lets make our relationship so comfortable that you never hesitate to say what you have to..."   But that was before the phone calls became very limited. 
The letters made the whole experience of being in love even more special.... (I had seen a bunch of letters that my parents had exchanged when they were dating...) these letters became an habit of sorts... they are more intimate...

In the month of May, my parents and younger sister went for my brother's wedding in USA. The trip was for two and a half months... and by Shayon's dad's grace he got net at home and those were the days when we used chat the whole night. (It was during one of these long session that we came up with our special game....wherein we were allowed to ask each other whatever question we wanted and we were not to be judgemental about the answers)

Though the days were always incomplete without hearing his voice... but the long hours of talking to him gave shape to our relationship. 

It was also during this time that I joined an NGO for the drug addict women and homeless women and children. It was a depressing job. As if this was not enough.... things weren't really rosy at Shayon's place....his parents were giving him a lecture on a daily basis which was not really encouraging for our relationship.... 
One purticular night, two three days after my parents had returned, Shayon had this huge fight with his parents, and that night he wrote me, what we today refer to as the break up mail. 
After starting the daily sessions of chatting and emailing in one of the mails I had remarked "that means I can never claim to know you fully??" 
To that Shayon had replied "when I have no qualms about shedding my clothes and exposing my body to you....why should I not share my enotions with you" after that both of us had made an effort to talk without judging.... and therefore that break up mail full of regret and anger had come.... As soon as I read that mail, instead of crying and giving up, I just called him (from my dad's phone my own phone had no balance) and told him that since he is not the only one involved in the relationship he just cant decide break it off, its my decicision too.... and therefore I decided to stay on... and asked him to show the e-mail to his mother. 

That was a bad bad decision... no not because we din break up, coz it was under these circumstances that I first talked to Shayon's mom...!!! That conversation was totally one sided with Shayon's mom trying to tell me that she din really want us to part ways and I going, Hanji aunty... ok aunty, I understand Aunty....As Shayon had mentioned in the email he wrote later- That "he was pacing outside the room, like a to be father with the wife in labour pain" he had also written something about, why I wanted him to show the e-mail to his mom... "You knew right from start how ma was gonna react, na? That's why you had asked me to show the mail to her. While I was censoring the mail, I realised nothing can ever stop me loving you. We might not be able to talk, we might not be able to keep in touch, but we shall always remain in each other's hearts. we shall never stop loving each other."
Lack of phone calls, no support from anywhere, we were almost doomed... but well, where there is a will there is a way.... My first job and change of stream, coming up next...!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Proposal and the Phone Bill

The trip to Banglore was an eye-opener, since I was alone... and the only person my age whom I talked to was Shayon.... while trying to contemplate my feelings for Ani and Shayon... I landed in Delhi on 11th feb 2005....
I was in a dilema of sorts... here I was feeling guilty about being so emotionally depended on Shayon and Ani was not ready to acknowledge 'us'. (So much so from the day Ani confessed and all we hadn't been on a date, talked on phone...or whatever that too... when he is like 10 mins walking from my place...!!!, after talking to my cousin bro about Ani and the cyber stalker... I was told that I am being foolish to be in 'love' and that I should get a grip) 

Anyways- On the 14th, that is the Valentine's day, I had a my friends who were a gf-bf over at my place. (I was major kabab mein haddi) Shayon being at his flirty best, msgd me right in the morning.... Happy Valentines Day, and me always a sucker for finer things msg him back - You cant even call me on the V-day... how rude...!!!
And he actually called me back... wished me... and also bought three roses... for me... but since he was in Mumbai, I was happy knowing that he had bought the roses...!!!
So, Shayon calls me, helps me select my clothes for the day... and we go on our day... I with my friends who for what god forsaken reason wanted to see the movie Shabd. In the hall, I was trying to concentrate on the movie and not on all the couples sat around me. The movie was bad... and guess who was I messaging? Shayon...!!!
In the course of the smses that were sent back and forth during the movie- He sent me a forward, which was- "God was great when he created women,then he messed it all up by making them wifes. Promise me that u'll never graduate from being the woman of my life" since most of the forwards that he had sent me in the past were plain simple flirtings and in good humour... I too in that same spirit of flirting replied- I Promise...
It was later that Shayon told me that, this simple yes had gotten him restless... coz he was also in a dilema about his feelings for me and the bond that was forming.

The day gave way to the evening, when I met my Best friend Priyam and half jokingly told her that I have half the mind of proposing Shayon... and instead of being her usual apprehensive self... like she always is about the guys I crush on, she tells me-
"Sakshi, that would the most sensible thing that you would do in like years..."
Ofcourse,I was already confused... and instead of helping me, she made matters worse for me. I din know what to do..... coz all of a sudden, the whole bunch of feelings in me were overwhelming...and threatening to ruin my nice lil friendship with Shayon.
That night, when I sat down to study (which ofcourse was the last thing in my mind) I was miserable trying to dissect my feelings when I got an sms...

Shayon- Hey wassup... so how was your day?
Sakshi- Usual, Ani as usual broke his promise... din even call me... the movie was borrrring...thanks for keeping company.How was your day?
The coversion went on for the next few hours... when all of a sudden, I sms him,
Sakshi- hmmm enough yaar... ok lets talk about us...!!!
Shayon- Wtf do you want to talk about us...!!! 
I was taken aback by this response.... and the conversion slowly turned to us, to the night in banglore which bought us so close...
Shayon- I think I have fallen for you...
Sakshi- You wont believe this but I have also been thinking about this. I have a msg written about it in my outbox for a week, but din send you coz I was not sure about your response...
Shayon- Well, I dunno what to say, coz I have seen my fair share of relationships breaking up coz of the distance... Are you sure about this...
Sakshi-  yes.
Shayon- I need some time to think about this...
He msgd in affirmative 5 mins later....
And then I slept... Shayon tried to call me but I din know how to talk in whispers... so I just asked him to keep the ph down and let me sleep. Shayon was jumping up and down when I finally said yes.
He called me at 5 am next morning, wanting a reassurance that it was 14th that we got officially got together.

From that day on, we talked for 5 hours a day on the phone.... on an average . And as soon as we got off the phone we were chatting... if not chatting then e-mailing.... I lost about 2 kgs coz I used talk to him while cycling... that ways there was no suspicious glances thrown at me.
Till about the end of march we talked freely on the phone, his landline had STD.... therefore no problem of no money in the cell phone.

And then came the first blow of our relationship, 25 days into it. The phone bill. It was for 30k. His parents freaked out.
That is how, his household got to know about me. That comes up in the next post....!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Old Flame, New Friend... and a Cyber Stalker

Destiny loves to play games... and like I often say its best game is life...while giving an introduction to Shayon and myself in the last two posts, I gave you all a background on what was happening in our lives when we met on Hi5... and here it is-
Ani had gone off to London and that meant that the extra time that I used to spend on the basket ball courts was almost equal to none. (Here I must mention- That Ani was not liked by either my best friend or my younger sister.) That is when I got an invite from Hi5... and not averse to trying something new and since I had to be online to chat with my dear Ani... I thought this would make for a good timepass. It was December 2004 then.
I started joining groups in hope of bumping into a few friends from my school and all. Then I joined a book discussion group for the 'Da Vinci Code', and I made a few friends out there....accepting their friend requests and chatting up with a few of em. Then one fine day, I saw a guy with a weird name (He was on hi5 with his full name- Sayantan) who had commented on a topic of discussion and that too completely contradictory to what I had said. From that day on, we were continously trying to prove our point through heated discussions.
Then one fine day he sends me a friend request and we are chatting away all the time. I got my first testimonial from this friend of mine... which said...

"Shayon says:
26-Jan-2005 23:20
Hey Saxi, how you been doing, gurl? You surprised with this testi? Well...I was just browsing my friends' list when I suddenly thought of penning down something about you!

Well...this gurl stays in Delhi, quite far away from my place. First time I got in touch with her is through the Da Vinci group in Hi5. There had been quite many occasions us fighting over some issue or the other. That's how I gradually grew fond of her. I always liked her ideas and loved to fight them back :-p. Then one day, we added each other and voila! We kept in touch almost everyday since then.

I don't really know what to say about this gal. She has been amazing me each and every time I spoke to her. She's a very happy-go-lucky kinda gurl...with no qualms about swearing, Ahem! Although some times she does tend to be very concerned and tensed, but most of the times she's pretty chilled out and laid back. She has a very firm belief in the word LOVE. I don't know whether it's really as powerful as she makes me feel...but then again, it's all about personal choices, I guess.

Oh, yes! Did I mention about her fascination for Horoscopes? Apparently she checks out her as well as of almost all she knows, EVERYDAY! Dunno what pleasure she gets off it. Maybe they do turn out to be true for her. As of my opinion, I feel they are so articulately and diplomatically phrased that each and every prediction can turn out to be 'almost' true for each and every being in this cosmos, provided you are not tsunami struck, that is :-p.

Well...that's all about her, I guess. Hey saxi (Love calling her that, it's great to watch out for her reaction :-D), were I wrong in any line in this testi of yours? If I am, doncha forget to correct me out, huh?"

In the meanwhile there was trouble in the Ani land. He was in london. I was here and he was not making an effort to make time for me. So, for all my frustrations and what not- I turned to Shayon...making him give me Love advice.... one of the email he actually explained to me that I need to give him space and time ....
Then came the twist that shocked me out of my wits.... Ani actually gave his msn password to one of his 'room-mate' and that room-mate fell in 'love' with me while chatting with me as Ani. (I was too naive in the relationship and Ani n I din really call ourselves in a official realtionship). My cybe stalker made sure that he makes my lief hell by e-mailing me all the time professing his love .... Shayon actually asked me to tell Mr. Stalker to stop pestering me coz I had a bf and since I din want to reveal his (my bf) name I should say that its Shayon.

I was feeling like a damsel in distress and Shayon was a true gentleman... My end-sems were gonna start soon... and Shayon drops another bombshell at me asking me for my phone number... and despite the stalker experience... I don't know why I gave him my number... adding to it- 'If you trouble me by missed calls or bad smses...then you have had it'.
In return, I get a call from him right before a very tough paper telling me to calm down and relax. We talked on, for over an hour STD. That was the sweetest thing that anyone had done for me in such a long time... and Shayon became a topic of discussion between me and my best friend.
(All through my exams, since I was burning the mid-night oil, I was ordered to sms Shayon at time I slept... and everynight- He used to reply telling me that I should sleep early).
Shayon was becoming more of an addiction day by day... and Ani was distancing himself from me on God knows what.... The main reason was that stalker... I guess...

The Banglore trip in Feb 2005, brought me and Shayon closer than ever. It was on the 7th feb eve that we talked all night through smses... it was the best night that I had had in a long time... (We flirted like anything from day one we had started chatting.... I asked him to buy me roses on the rose day...and he actually bought them...!!!).
I missed talking to him... and despite all the guilt of maybe two timing Ani, I just couldn't help but miss Shayon everyday of my trip, even more..... and kehte hain na- 'aag dono jagah barabar lagi hai' Shayon was also missing me.... it was very clear in this mail of his....

"Hi, how you been doing? Silly question, I guessryt? Of course, you are on a much deserved holiday now. You are supposed to be enjoying!

So...what all places have ya been? Or have you been too lazy to even get out of your bed
? Have you been to Mysore till now? If you haven't, don't forget to get sandalwood stuffs next time you get there. I've been there just once. Liked the place. Although I've been in Bangalore for just 3 days . I'd been there to take my CET exams. My cousin sis stays there. Don't remember the street n all, though...

...Hey gurl...really missing you, yaar? When are you coming back? I know it's sounding a li'l selfish...but then...I'm missing you really bad. Hope to catch up with you online some time soon. Chow then, ciao for now...
Ohkay...ciao for now. Take Care." (5th Feb, 2005)
The Proposal and the Phone bill are up tomorrow...!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Cast: The Heroine, Me

Sorry... since there was something wrong in the net connection... therefore there is a days delay in this post....!!!
Sakshi, that is me. Hmmmm....I was called a lot of nicknames... few of the favourite that are still stuck are, moti (fatso) and hitler (apparently... I used to hit alot... I still do...) and at home I was always 'tini' (my first cousin had a doll that looked like a new born baby and a few days before I was born, he broke it... and he thought I was his doll- so I was named after the doll...tini). I was a complete extrovert, owing to the fact that my mother liked me playing outside the house and most of my friends were boys... the girls liked playing house... I used to play that too... but with one of my close boy- friend.... and he used to make me play wwf cards with him... this is the reason that I was tomboyish... and really din care. In school I couldn't find the right kind of 'group' to fit in... so I was everybody's friend...and I had my cousin Mansi in the same batch she was my soulmate... (we were often called twins.... both had long really long hair and wore similar clothes... and she was an introvert unlike me). I was one hell of a happy child, scared from my mum... (everyone is scared of her) spending holidays at my cousin Mansi's place- Her parents, my father's older bro n his wife never thought that I was not their own...
Then, after 10th standard everything changed.... I changed my school and the usual happy me became an introvert I din like anything around me... that was the same year I lost my dadaji and that was like a big blow to me. My only outlet was basket ball that I played in the evening...wherein there were mostly usual. I developed a crush on a guy called Ankush... and till the end of 12th std, he was the perfect guy I wanted. But, in those two years I lost on Tauji and finally Mansi(It took me more than a year to accept that she has finally gone never to come back again...and somewhere in my heart I believed that I too was responsible for to commit suicide coz I had changed my school). Death is inevitable... but this inevitable truth took away my soul my life and my zeal to live it... till...
After 12th and losing Mansi two days before our board result, I met a guy who I will refer to as 'Ani'. He was cute, funny and absolute Greek God for me. We hit off pretty well. And in the coming 8 months I actually got him to tell me that 'he thinks that he loves me'.
I had joined engineering and after the gruelling day at college there was nothing better than relaxing at the 'court'.
Then came the fiasco- Ani went to London for some college thingy... and to pass my time I joined hi5 and finally the book discussion group and that is where I met my Hero...

In one Line- I was smiling but I was not happy... I had a best friend...but not a group of friends coz unlike Shayon... I made friends but din really know how to keep em...!!!
How our friendship developed... is coming up in the next post.....

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Cast: My Hero....

In the series of posts that are gonna come now, I am going to introduce to the world the cast that comprises the love story that is gonna follow.
I know, I know- You did read my love story in the post that I had posted earlier... but am sure that after reading my previous post you know that I am going pen down the story thus far- 3 years, 9 months and two days of my relationship chronicled. I don't know if you want to read it... I just know that I want to write it.

First up- The hero of my story- Shayon.....

Sayantan, known by a lesser complicated name Shayon to all is a year older to me. The first thing that you notice about him, is that he is not the best looking guy in the world. He even carries a ponch which he doesn't even attempt to lose out.
The next thing that you notice about him, is that his magnetism is not because of his looks its because of that killer smile that forms a dimple on his cheek and the way his eyes twinkle when he smiles. Sit and talk to him for five minutes and you are baffled by his worldly knowledge and his clever talks... and the best part is- He is not a all... despite his specs....

Unlike the misconception that guys can be lame when it comes to talking anything but sports or finance, this guy has a lot of sarcasm to offer and opinions on everything. It was due to this that we first clashed on Hi5 in a book discussion group.

Shayon, took admission in NIT Jamshedpur in the year 2003. But an unfortunate incidence (read as- being at the wrong place at the wrong time.... he has a knack of doing that) got him suspended from college...
That meant at the time we met, he was pursuing a diploma course in NIIT and ofcourse doing what he loves the best, surfing the net and making new friends.
He had just gotten off from a six year relationship with Aishwarya (they are still friends) and was trying to pataofy a female in his class at NIIT, Vasudha.
In one line - He is a complete charmer, loves to make new friends...and makes sure that old ones remember him....always....
It was under these circumstances that we met.
The Heroine: Me, will get introduced in the next post....!!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Challenge or What...!!!

Shayon has been extremely impressed with the style of writing and the approach of my dear friend Ms. Footloose. She calls herself a terrible girlfriend coz, in one of her posts has said that she constantly has the urge of knowing and talking to her boyfriend. So many of her posts have my advice on them.
And today when I saw that huge comment on her post, especially her love story, I cant even tell you the jealousy that is gnawing at me especially since I still havent been able to get a comment on our love story that I had written, verbal or written. ( Ofcourse I was told that since there was emotional ovewhelmness that took over no reactions came...!!!) 

This along with the fact, that, I give a lot of advice, even when unwarranted for. I am going to attempt to write about my experiences in this relationship. Well maybe because, Shayon asked me if I can actually do this.... or Maybe because later in life- I can co-author a love story with my 'marriage phobic' boyfriend or Maybe- I can read these again and again to remind myself why I love Shayon so much and why sometimes- Love is Enough....!!!

Aditya Chopra has given me the tag line that I need - 
There is an extraordinary love story in every ordinary jodi

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

To Love... with Love....

" I have been talking to people, and I have been trying to talk to you for like two months but I just don't know how to say it... Jaan, How do you do it?? "

These were the lines that woke a sleepy me at 2 am in the morning when Shayon decided that it was high time that we had a talk. ( I know, when its about talking then its normally damn serious... trust me it was). My boyfriend has been wondering as to how is it that I keep a strong front and all, especially since we have not met in like a year... and now that I am finally going to be in Mumbai we are going to be together for a few days... and then what??

We both realise that its none of our mistake, we knew what we were getting ourselves into when we decided that despite the distance and all the odds we have fallen in love and that we atleast want to give our relationship a try... I dunno if anyone is interested but, I feel that this post will be incomplete w/o recounting my love story... and here it goes-

It was about 4 years back, that I for the very first time joined a social networking site... being a computer illiterate it took me a lot of time to understand the workings of that site (trust me, it took me a lot of time to figure facebook too... ) and finally, I managed to join a book discussion group... there I bumped into this guy who had total ourageous fundas (mind you- It was the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown that we were discussing) I dunno what made him do it but he sent me a friend request, I said a yes... and then there was not a day that went by when we werent talking online i.e chatting. One of those very long chats, he asked me for my phone number... I was very skeptical about it and as a rule I have never given my phone number to a net friend and today also I completely avoid it... but for him... I made an exception... ( why- I wish I knew... ) and then there were a few sms that were exchanged and a phone call here n there. It was a very difficult paper that I had to give for my sems in January 2005... I had come online to take a break... he was there n I told him that I was feeling very stressed out... and guess what this guy does, calls me up STD to just talk to me... we talked for like an hour. A month later I had gone to Banglore for a holiday. It was there on the eve of 7th Feb that we talked for the whole night through smses ( I was on roaming and I managed to indebt my prepaid accnt by over 800 rupees...) and something clicked. It took a week more for us to understand our feelings towards each other and more importantly the whole bizzare thing of 'love on net' happening to us. When on 14th Feb we mutually agreed that yup there was something more to friendship here, I was under shock... It took me less than 7 hours to say a I love you to him.
First 15-20 days we were inseparable, on phone that is- on an average we talked about 5-7 hours over the phone and then we were emailing and chatting with each other. And when the phone bill came- we were first amused, then shocked and then scared. It was then that we talked mostly through net i.e via email /chatting and ofcourse there were snail mails too and I used to go to a STD booth with 20 rupees with so that we could talk for 5 mins. ( Three years back, STD rates on cell phones were huge).
And then came a new twist, I had initially started my engineering but I found it very hard to cope up.... and I decided to change my stream completely... and it was in him that I found the maximum support... it was him who coaxed me to be courageous and to to go tell my parents about my difficulty... and though we had grown closer everyday it was this incident that found a friend in my boyfriend.

It was 8 months later that we met for the first time as a couple. I can still feel that moment... He was a perfect gentleman... and I made all the first moves, be it holding hands or the first kiss. It was here that the respect increased... and rest as they say is history.

Ever since that I have been in this relationship, I have seen my share of ups and downs actually a lot of downs... which would have definately not been endurable by anyother relationship... I have found that every down that comes just makes me love my guy even more... call me mad in love but yeah, I have seen and felt my relationship emerging stronger with every storm that we have managed to land ourselves in... lets say we are trying move strength to strength... Shayon wonders where it comes from?
I feel that it comes from knowing a mere fact that I love him and though he says he doesnt love me enough... his love.. the knowing of the fact that yes, He does love me gives me strength... I wont say that there isnt any physical chemistry involved... ofcourse there is...
But, standing and defending my love against all odds is because of Him... had he not been there to constantly support and love me... I guess things would have been very different today.

My friend Ms Footloose constantly talks about a souldmate friend of hers... I too have a best friend for like over 14 years... and we have shared too much of our lives together to bother about formalities.... but there are certai things and feelings that I cant share with her... not because she will not listen to me... but because her perspective and knowledge on that is completely different... like, she is least interested in intellectual stuff while am a sucker for the same and this is where Shayon steps in not as a boyfriend... but as a friend... and mind you most of the times when I am complaining and whining about someone he points out at my own faults ( that is why a friend) I think I am really lucky to have found a friend in my love. Ofcourse my bset friend is always there....

This post has become too long...and too about my boyfriend... I can talk and talk about him at length... and Just in case you din really get what I am trying to say... well... in short- I admire, respect and love my boyfriend for what he is...and I wish to tell him that I am strong because you are there with me... you are my strength...and I love you alot. I know, you have had enough...but just a few more days... I know we will figure something out.

And if you have read this post till here- Thanks...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I am so freaking HAPPYYYYY...!!!

After a slew of depressing posts and lots of crankiness, finally some good news has made a headway in my life.
I was talking about going to mumbai for an internship... na?
I finally got the acceptance email from the law firm.
Ofcourse, there was a big hand of Nicole, a friend who said that she will get me the internship and she got it for me too...

It feels good, to look forward to something that you have been wanting to look forward for a long time. The only iffs and butts are the skeptical ness of my dad, who till the confirmation came was ok about me going to Mumbai.... that last hurdle is yet to be crossed.... but My God, has re-instilled faith in me... I am sure that He is not going to let me down.

I cant wait for life to take the new turns for me now that I know that green signal has come by. Oh, yeah... Thanks a ton to all others who have actually prayed that I get through the internship in Mumbai.

Thanks a ton God....!!! Keep me blessed with your blessings...!!! Love you...!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I think this is the nth time that I am talking about this. But, apparently destiny, fate and all that stuff just loves to play out their roles when we least expect it.

I know that all this stuff is often mocked at. Its always the karma that builds the destiny that you have. But, then again, what kind of karma decides that you have the right to make your destiny... and at other times destiny will just overpower everything including the karma that you have done.

Its all Relative.

Basically, some people are born with all the luck. And others, well, they happen to struggle all their lives just to be with the ones they love... just to fuilfill the basic dreams that they have. Shayon says that he doesnt know how to console me, The thing is, I dont know how to console him.

Who the fuck said that when you follow your dreams, everything falls in place. It appears that whenever you dream, you are bound to fall on your face so that your dreams get bruised and that you dont dream again.
All I ask is, What is it that you dream off??

I know that, today, I want to start working asap, so that I can support my realtionship and finally lay a foundation for my future with Shayon. The near future all I want is to go to mumbai so that I can be with Shayon. Its been almost a year, since I met him.
All Shayon wants is that his job remains... and that life becomes less complicated... not Just for him, but for both of us.

I pray to the Almighty above, that He should not shake my faith in Him.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

To start over: Makeover

Women rejuvenate either by a trip to the mall,
A bar of Chocolate,
Sex maybe...
But a Makeover certainly makes her feel good.

It changes her image... makes her feel new and above all makes her feel good about being a woman.
Its so strange that at times we forget the value of changinging our looks... changing just the way we are. I was also very very scared of change.

All through my school life and for three years in college, I had Long...reallly long hair. Mum used to take care of my hair till I was in school n then in college, I was taking care of it... but it was streotyping me. That led to the very step in my makeover that started last year... on my last day I decided to get my hair cut. Not short like really short... but short enough to make ppl gasp around me. When I got out of the airport , My mom n sis din recogonise me.... almost disowning me. But gradually people decided that I was looking good. And on sunday I finally got reall funk in my hair...I got it coloured...and cut n styled....

And I am feeling very very good about the whole thing... makes me feel like a new person altogether...!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Is love doomed...!!!???

I am in a great mood...!!! In the morning today, when I got up, I talked to Shayon... the first thing in the morning... that too, for a nice long time minus any interruption...!!! That is why I have this silly smile on my face right now.

Last night, I finished reading this book, called , 'A message in the Bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. And OMG.... I think with every book that I read of his, I am becoming more of his fan. This time the book with dealt with two people who got doomed in love, the heroine, got divorced and the hero lost his wife in an accident. Its been over three years and they both are dealing with their loss in their own way living miles apart. On one forced vacation, that the heroine takes, she comes across a bottle that contains a message in the bottle. That letter is by the hero to his dead wife.... his feelings put in words. That one message and circumstances later force our heroine to find the hero... and when they finally meet sparks fly... but they both live miles apart and thus comes the distance is a problem... he asks her to move to where he lives... but she cant... the reason that he wanted her there was coz he was still not over his late wife...and whenever he was ready to move on... his guilt for his late wife was not letting him move forward... and the ending was sad. (For details- read the book..!!!)

As usual, I was crying by the end.

But, that really made me sit and think... I may have not read many, but whatever love stories that really really touches your heart leaves you in tears. It gives you a heart ache... and while you are reading that book, your faith in love gets reiterated and when you reach the end... you end up thinking... why?
Why would destiny be so cruel... and why would it be so unfair to two people who are in love..... !!! I always end up getting angry at the author... cursing him for being so cruel... If love is so doomed... then why love at all..... or maybe that is the reason that shallow relationships exists...!!!

But I still believe in love, its an emotions that brings the best out in you...!!! And makes even a grouch smile alot...!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What happens?-II

Well... the last post was the jist of all the frustration that I have.
Its not fair.
And I have said this maybe oblong number of times, but then this is the truth.

Its a fact. And the fact is that when things dont go your way, you say that life is not fair. I am sure, life must be rolling its eyes and saying... oh gosh that is not done...!!!

I am a great law firm. Atleast the mumbai counterpart is supposed to be great. But, then there is hardly any work to do. Its just my luck that thanks to a fellow intern both of us have landed ourselves into a great project and as soon as we wind that up, we are gone.

But its the people. Its the sheltered life that I have been leading which did not let me see and make out the real complications and complexes that people have. I am not coming in any one's way and if I follow the office norms and ask the boss for half day off then, I get to hear that I am an miserly intern and that he doesn't care.

My birthday is coming up, reading the ol blogs I see that there has been an element of satisfaction that is there but this time I am feeling very bad. Because of Several reasons ofcourse... My parents went awat to Luckhnow coz of a stupid client and his stupid son getting married. Priorities have changed. My birthday comes every year, but the engagement doesnt. Client is important.

When no one is showing excitement about my birthday why should I? or Maybe I should be showing excitement so that people get excited. Aman's Birthday was special so was tyaji's but my birthday my own parents are not going to be here. Very nice na.

One way of looking at it is that Shayon had to go through bad times. I prayed that all his bad time comes to me and he just remains happy. So this maybe the part of the bargain.

What happens?

What happens when all that you have dreamt off, comes true but with consequences and emotions that you din't even know exisited???

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

How to fulfill the Promise of Love??

Last night was probably the most important night in terms of my relationship with Shayon.

Life is not easy when you are in a long distance relationship. Numerous discussions in the last few posts have been talking about that.... But ultimately Ellie, Ms. Footloose Doll, Shayon n I agreed to the fact that even if takes all that you have.... we all know why we are in this relationship. And that the wait to be together is worth all the sleepless nights when you actually fall into your loved ones arms and forget everything that you have been through.

But, then, how so ever hard you try there are times when you just cant take it anymore... there are times when at the end of the day... you just want the person you love in the vicinity... its not fair that when you need the one you love the most he/she is not around.... and there is nothing that you can do about it. Because you know that as much as you want that person to be around its vise versa too...!!!

The level of frustration of being apart was even worse last night when Shayon poured his heart out me about the fact that he is having a tough time not having me around...!!! Things for him are also falling apart... he still has his job but his college people apparently love him so much that they just cant let him go. He is in Tatanagar because hi professors wont pass him in a subject that really doesn't matter.... its their Ego that is preventing them from doing that. (The sanctity of being a teacher has stooped this low...!!!) and this is the time that he needs me the most. Not only that even in mumbai after a hard days work... he is pretty much on his own accessing wi-fi from a mall...
Its not just him that wants me there, I too have been dying to go there... but apparently fate...destiny etc etc... dont really want that....

After his outburst last night, I was aghast... and my normal soothing self where I reassure him that everything is going to be ok.... broke down. My personal vow to be strong..because out of two of of us has to be strong. I lost all my composure and at 2.30 in the morning I was crying wondering whether all my reassurances have gone in vain and if this year I will ever get to see him...
In that I moment I promised Shayon that come what may...I will put everything that I have in finding a way so that we two may get together and meet...

But, in the morning.... the fear and the vulnerability is back.... I am almost 22, but I still don't have a job that is paying me... and my parents dont know about my LDR. (Even if they knew about it... it wouldn't have helped... I would get into more trouble...)

I have made a promise because, our relationship has seen the time when we did not have a single penny in our pockets, and the STD rates being 3.50 a minute and we still managed to scrounge some money and talk to each other..... no net connection but still managing to email each other... we have been through a phase where our mutual trust in each other and the commitment of love towards each other has thrown away mis understanding helping us cross the bridge one step at a time. Yes, there have been temptations... and not one... but many...not for him but for me either...
Together we have defied odds of our relationship surviving more than a few months. We have shut up all the skeptics....
In a world where there is use and throw... we have managed to respect each others decisions...
Its on this that I have made a promise...

I trust my love... my God who made our Destiny collide...and let it stay that way. I have made a promise for that...
All I want is a sincere opportunity to fulfill this promise.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

The lull after the storm...The Internship story...

My first week in office is almost over.
I did not write about my first day or my second dya..coz I did not want to sound judjemental... or rather I wanted to make sure that the first impression lasts...

My office is in C.P. more precisely on the Kasturba Gandi Marg. The name of the buildidng is Naurang House. Its a red and a black bulding with the office of Desai and Dewanji being on the fourth floor.
The office is not huge. But its new. It is an offshoot of their Mumbai office. About 20 lawyers minus the partners work there... there are two partners apart from the usual crowd of lawyers. They were very nice to me on my first day. I even got some work to do... on the second day also I was working the whole time. Nothing much... proof reading the documents...and researching etc... but for the pst two days there is hardly any work that is coming my way. So much so...I am noticing that most of the new lawyers are working on a single case... and taking their own sweet time to make the applications etc.. a few of them have no work at all... I see them chatting the whole day...or orkutting or redaing the newspaper. And that is the reason I have not exactly been working for the past two days... no work has come my way.... all I do there is work of the steno...
I am not learning anything... the people are nice... but that is it.... I am not a workoholic...but I dont like to sit idle especially when I am supposed to be working. I know that I am not learning anything that is going to help me be a lawyer... except that even in corporate law firms... life is a bitch...and politics rule the roost...!!!!

Clearly put- The whole Intern thingy is strictly OK. Or maybe I was expecting more...!!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Bitter sweet taste of Life

A few years back... there was huge fad amongst us , it was about filling up slam books...!!! It was so much of fun to get that little book filled by your friends and the reading about their crushes and movies and of course their most memorable moments etc.
In that book there was a column about What is Love to you- And I used write a cheesy answer to that...I used to say Love is like dark chocolate... Bitter and sweet at the same time.

I did not realise that the same was true for Life as well. I am very upset. Because my sweetest desires are immediately followed by bitterness of something bad happening. I got to know the date sheet of the remaining two examinations that got postponed. It so happens that the University ppl have changed the venue of the exams. They have changed the sequence of the exam and the cherry on the top is that the two papers are 20 days apart. Can you believe it. One paper is on the 6th and the other is on the 26th. And our seniors dont have a clue about their viva of practicals. Isnt this amazing...!!!
The only good thing is that I am glad that I decided to join my Internship now. Had I waited...i would have given away a great opportunity. Its just that, I really really have been wanting to go to Mumbai. You know whenever Shayon talks about the distance between us... and that we should meet now... n all... I am always the rational one. But on the inside... I cry... coz I too want to be with him...n not for two days...but for a long time. Distance has tested its the close proximity that needs to be tested. I feel so scared that we might not be compatible once we start staying in the same city. Ok, I know I am sounding MAD... but this is killing me... I want a normal relationship...and the only way as of now is that I get a job in mumbai. Yahan par toh exams ne hi beragarg kiya hua hai...!!!

I pray to God, that he knows about love...coz that is what he he should be kind on us...!!! Dont we with physical proximity...being minimal???

Friday, July 25, 2008

I am Happy...

My poor blog has been bearing the brunt of me being bad often that one of my freinds actually asked my boyfriend that why am I so distressed.
Whenever I felt that thing in my life were all messed up...I fired away my frustration here. There was hardly any imagination...and I really dont want that the anger and the frustrations become timeless.

Anyways- things arent all that fine exam dates are still in a frenzy...but nevertheless... there always the positive that is to be looked at...

So the good news is that I finally got myself into an internship in a big law firm called Desai and Dewanji. Its based out of Mumbai... and they have an office here in Delhi in C.P. I went there today...its a cool place and loads of young crowd... and I dont think that I'll have to wear black and white always. Now, I am just hoping that things work out fine there.

My love life is also going great. Shayon has been very sweet and caring lately...maybe we both are maturing...jesus..growing old...huh...!!! But really love can make you feel on top of the world... and that is what happening... I feel that I am falling in love all over again...and its a great feeling...!!!

And recently I realised that I can blog... that too nicely...!!! Labyrinth has been doing great too... a few comments here and there have been coming. From being a techo,personal blog Labyrinth has become a political blog... The recent developments in Indian politcs gave me huge amounts of input for putting up blogs motivated by the stupidity of our dear leaders. The cherry on the top is becoming a guest post writer...or now almost a permenant resident of The Wall Mag. And my first blog entry is creating a buzz out there...its also political... but I am planning to analyse the love bug there..soon...!!!

So that is what is making happy... its good to know that I am feeling good...!!!


Friday, July 18, 2008

How and why...of being in Love...!!!

I wish I knew why I put such a weird title on this post. Ok, Maybe because after a looong loong time I felt like writing and talking about being in love.

Actually, I dropped on this Blog and apparently this female is having a hard time coping up with the distance between her and her boyfriend. Theirs was a normal realtionship till... usual stresses of Jobs did that to her. Plus, I have been watching a lot of TV and there is lots of mushy mushy romance happening there too... and well.. around me... I seem to have the cutest couples cuddling up to each other despite the sticky humid hot weather.... It makes me go crazy crazy ...

I too am in a long distance relationship... and not from now..but from times.. seeing my friend (my best friend) go on dinner,dates..etc makes me feel that my relationship is a tad bit unreal to myself... but the moment my phone rings and I hear his voice... all the hardships of being in an LDR just vanish. Its like... a sweet fruit of patience that you get after a long day of work.

I have been in my trealtionship for like three and a half years... and when anybody wonders...I tell them that sanity abstains from you when you fall in love. The truth is that now, my patience is also running out...its becoming really mad for me to stay away. I am banking on the idiom that patience is a virtue and that virtue lands you with the sweetest fruit.

Right now, I can give anything to be with him.. but I know that its not possible... but I do know what being out of your head means...
That means being in love...truely madly and deeply....

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Why Me...?

The most rational answer to that by many of us would be... cmon girl you are not the only one...there are others as well.
In this case I completely agree that there are lakhs of students suffering.

My exams got postponed. I have already given three papers, two more and I would have been a free bird. But, it seems that God has a different plan for me altogether. This is the start of the sawaan ka mahina...and the kawadias go to Haridwar to get water from the holy Ganges to the Shiv temples. The best part about it all is that they go walking all the way. They go in hoardes and jam the national highway.

And yeah, I study in a college affiliated to Meerut university and my papers come all the way from there. Thus the two exams get postponed- till... GOD KNOWS WHEN. This is so so bugging. Ok, not only for me..for all of us. Its like being stranded 5 miles from civilization without anybody bothering to send someone for rescue despite the fact that they can see you are helpless. Its so silly. You have belive in rituals ...freaks do it... but dont strand US people like that.
I wish..there was something that I could do... but unfortunately all I can do is get angry with everyone including me..for ruining my own life...

I wish...

My First Cheque...

Its the feelings that count...not the amount...
its the hardwork that counts and not anything else.

I have worked before also. But that was just to supplement my pocket money... and plus at that time I had nothing better to do. I had just started with law and I was hardly studying any subjects regarding the same. And the understanding of the same was a little less than what it is now.
But about a month ago I took up some work which related to my profession. It was not thru and thru lawyers work, it was just legal translations that I did for a research project, which were mainly related to crimes against women and various other issues related to divorce,dowry etc.

The work was tedious , lisening to the recordings and then typing out their literal translations with a proper format. But nevertheless it was some work.

Yesterday, I recieved my first cheque for that work. It was a great feeling to know that you are worth something, even if it was little.

Sometimes life has its way of throwing towards your way, little little happiness that make memories a worthwhile affair...!!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Can't dream enough... Time to hit the reality....

Ok, I have had enough. There is something definately wrong with me.
Al I keep on doing the whole day is day dreaming about landing in a nice job in a jiffy and that too in Mumbai. Ok, I really wanna be in Mumbai, as of now atleast coz, its been like 8 months since I met my boyfriend. Love is surely far away.

But its not only love...but its the glam quotient with a job that is to be included in it. I day dream almost all the time, make conversations with people I dont even know if I'll ever see. I also make up conversations with my boyfriend... ofcourse I do have the real ones all the time, its the face to face ones that I dream about.

I have been doing that for a long time now. This is the way that I can face the reality of the days that I face everyday. I always say to myself whenever I am boarding the bus, that one day I would own a chauffer driven car and I'll see the bus from it. Or, What or how from whom I would want to get my house made after I buy the house on top of ours.... I dream big.

While the reality is as stark as maybe a white sheet of paper that has been crumpled because its of no use. Today, I dont even have a fixed summer job, forget about making tons of money. My bank account doesn't even have enough maobey to pay for the coming year of college. This time, dad's gonna sign his check. My phone has about 10 rupees in it now... and my exams start in less than a week... I have to hit the floor, and get my act together. I know I am gonna study for my papers... coz that I Do. But, another reality is that- I have no clue where my life is going. There was a time that I dreamt about working with the United Nations. The International Court of Justice, but, recently while studying the UN system, I got to know that you don't really need to be a lawyer to work in ICJ... you just work there coz, you have done some great work. I would love to make a difference in the world... but I also believe that charity begins at home. Let me first try n make a difference in the lives of my parents, get a job n status in society so that I can go and fight for my love. There are so many dreams that are yet to be realised... everyday when I go off to sleep, I think, and hope that when I have kids, me n my husband should never crib over finances. Everyday I hope that the next dawn brings me my oppurtunity ... and that I dont' see it as an obstacle.

No, I am not afraid of hard work. I just dont know how use my skills. I cant seem to give my 100 percent.. and I cant seem to find a way.... why is that another puzzle in the maze that is already there.

You know, I read this somewhere, maybe one of the forwards.... it says...

That if A=1, B=2, C=3..... so on Z=26... then,

Hardwork=98% and
Knowledge=96% finally....
Attitude=100% but...

its- Love of God=101%
And its this that I am looking that my dreams can touch a lil bit of reality....Amen...!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Directionless....n motionless....

That is life for me... yup...
Maybe I give up too fast..really or maybe dont try hard enough. Either ways...the prospect don't seem so happy... as of now.
The tone is pretty suggestive that I am kinda flustered....actually I am very flustered... It seems that the brand name Shayon's Labyrinth is not working it out.... anyways I cant seem to figure out the complicated widgets on the page...and therefore...all my efforts to blog out...seem to go in vain. I have been getting no comments... and that is not really encouraging me. What with Shayon getting a new job and his job profile discouraging the readers venturing out on the labyrinth. Ok... not directly..but yeah...indirectly. Fuck man... that makes all my efforts go down the dump. Or maybe, the stupid celebs...taking over the web world are drawing more traffic... what with Amitabh Bachchan blogging shit about his co-workers...and now, Lalu Prasad gonna blog too.... management I suppose. Sometimes its really lucky to be lucky... and am hardly that.
Believe it or not... My end Sems for his semester are nowhere insight... the good part is that I dont have internship to join on a committed date... I would have been screwed that ways...(wow, I have really started to look at the brighter sides....!!! Whatever happens...happens for the greater good....!!!)
Yeah... I should be looking at the brighter side... most of the people out there would love to switch places...what with getting up late... watching TV, reading novels... and just lounging around... Ideal life... but like they say...grass is always greener on the other side...the world works that way.
I am not feeling on top of the world... and well... and yeah at some deep level down there... I am kinda jealous about my best friend landing in an internship... and my Bf getting a dream job..even though it doesn't pay big. Now, dont get me wrong...I love em...and I am happy for them... its just that had I known..what direction am gonna take except being lazy I would have been happier...
This whole thing is freaking me out... coz at some level, my parents are gonna freak out too... I am sure even if the grades are up, they don't want a loser for a daughter.
Sorry about the crass crap... somehow... I lose ears around when I need to am just punishing my beloved page.

Sometimes, I movies really reflect life...?? Can we expect a happy ending after all???

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Have faith...!!!

I had started a post continuance of the quicksand post... but then apparently I could not finish it...
There are some reasons sometimes that make it possible to have yourself or on the Almighty or both..well that completely depends on your perspective of a situation. It always comes down to - Your own Perspective... doesn't it... maybe it is difficult for a another to understand your actions....(Maybe that is why we have the word Jusitification in the English dictionary...!!!)
Anyways... things arent really that down you see... the whole thing about you being happy coz your significant other is makes sense ... Shayon has finally joined a job (I dunno what link to use on his name.... Labyrinth or his job, so here are both...!!!) He maybe not earning as much as all his batch mates are... maybe lot lower...but I sure am happy that he at least has JOB SATISFACTION, that is very rare to find.... thanks to his job though... I got promoted to being the sole manager of Labyrinth, so that is not bad... maybe I can conjure posts on law... and help out ppl... interning right from my own house... but that is not what I want to do... I write... www is a huge publishing place... have your own .com to publish your thoughts on... even greater ... but then reputed law journals...they are a league of their own... lawyers...are old ppl....they get famous with the increase in whiteness in their hair... and I know that they are not exactly blog savvy...even if they are comp savvy...

Anyways... another good thing that happened to me was, that I recently got my Fifth Sem result... and trust me...I passed with flying colours.... I was a nervous wreck about my result...but thanks to Vandeep, and his advice of having faith... the experience was not that horrifying.... but then that realization always stays with me.... that what use is this result...which could'nt even counjre up a internship for me...!!! That is the reason that at times I go into rage... especially now...everybody around me is working...some form of summer job... and here am consoling my open wounds that things will change for the good... have faith...!!!

So this is where I am... having faith in what... I still dunno...though I pray everynight... that my faith which is already treading thing grounds...does not completely melts like ice... on the first day of spring....!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

When Life feels like- Quicksand....

One of the inherent quality of quciksand is that the more you struggle the more you sink in...the beauty of it all being that its so well camouflaged that you cant even make out that you are in a fix..till most of the harm is done... just like life... bitter pill wrapped in the golden package...

Seems that my life is being sucked away by an unnamed source that is acting like quick sand... all I can feel as of now is that- I am struggling too hard and that instead of any good coming out of that struggle... I am getting pulled into somthing that is like a void... deep shit is more the word... that is to be used.

I am trying for an Internship...and this time, anywhere... But nahi ji... majaal mereko mil jaaye internship... instead I am getting rejection letters... ok...rejection is a part of the game... but then its not the easiest thing to digest is it? I think now I can emphatise with Shayon better... He went thru a rough patch himself...but kudos to that guy.... he really has come out with flying colours. I for one am very proud to be associated with him. He ofcourse is always by my side..encouraging me and making sure that like I had completely sunk 3 years back...I don't ruin it this time too.
No, I don't intend to ruin what all I have built... at this stage...a lot more is at stake... much more than the first step in the career move.

Personal life is unusually turbulent... there is a certain veil of depression and sadness...I mean it seems that Lord Voldemort has unleashed his demntors in full force... someone go tell him that I am not related to Harry Potter... ok, these dementors would go away..if I think about something happy...but then there are very few reasons to be happy now days....!!!

But, doncha worry...I have been through worse...that too all alone...this time I do have some support and hopefully help will come soon...before I drown trying to struggle out of the quicksand that I have landed myself into...!!!

PS: That Sinking not going away...any suggestions....