Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Save Room...

"What If..."
I don't know if you all do it, but I know that I do it very often.

There is always an alternative going on in my mind. There is always the 'What if', which is bugging me. But the reality is always different. In the world of imagination that I have created for myself, I am always thinking about the other way that I could have taken, then what life would have been.

But the one constant that is always there in all of my 'What If' situation is my boyfriend. Somehow, I just don't see myself living the last six years that I have without him being a part of it. There is always a way that I fit him in, so that he be a part of my life. And the ONLY 'What if' alternative that I have not made, is getting married and/or spending my life with some one other than him.

And today, when I hugged him for one full minute at the airport, after meeting him, I realised that how much I missed him, making me feel more guilty that I could not be with him when he was in Calcutta.
Then at his house, when, I held him for longer, I also realised how much he missed me. How much that hug meant to him. The one that I should have given him twenty days ago.
And as he held me, he kept kissing me on my head and calming me own. It was without any words that we shared the grief, the loss and the sense of our togetherness. The words, are they ever enough between the people who share a lot more than common interest?

I sometimes, wonder *the sometimes is a lot many times*, how can any one be in a marriage or for that matter of fact in a relationship, where you can't even understand when a person needs a hug, when he needs to be comforted. And, I am glad, that my darling bf know, when I cry, when I am laughing, even when I am not in front of his eyes.
Today while I was trying tell him where I am standing at the airport,

I said "Can you look at the Y place next to the X, Place.. I am on that side.."
He said "I am near that Y place... "
I said "I can't see you..."
He said "You can't see me, because, I am sure that you are looking only at the place X"
I am like "Huh! How do you know? Can you see me?"
He said "That is because I know you!"

And that just made me smile. Made me feel proud, of the person who I have chosen to be my life partner. I know, that there are still loads of hurdles that are to be crossed. The tough period is yet to begin. The frustrations and the fights, well, they are round the corner too, lurking somewhere...
But, despite all of that.
Despite, knowing the fact, that, another battle is about to begin, I know that today, I love him, that I am proud of him. His strong spirit and his love that is just for me.
My sweetheart is back to town, and the hardest good bye, just a couple of weeks away..

Baby, if you are reading this- Know, that I love you. And I missed you!
And this song  is just for you!

Say that you'll stay a little
don’t say bye-bye tonight
say you'll be mine
just a little bit of love,
Is worth a moment of your time.
Knocking on your door just a little
it's so cold outside tonight
let's get a fire burning 
oh I know I'll keep it burning bright
If you stay,
Won’t you stay?

Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love, Save a little,
Save a little for me
Won't you save a little?
Save a little for me, Oh

This just might hurt a little
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pain
Pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
hold on to me pretty baby
you will see I can be all you need

If you stay
Won't you stay? 
Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love, Save a little,
Save a little for me
Won't you save a little?
Save a little for me, Oh

Oh c'mon,
Make time to live a little
Don't let this moment slip by tonight
you'll never know what you're missing
'till you try,
I’ll keep you satisfied

If, you stay
Won't you stay?
                                                                   - 'Save Room' by John Legend 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Office Laptop...

"Fake it till you make it"

This is the mantra that we are taught often in our dance class!
It is normally an exercise so that we develop the attitude, and start [read: stop] thinking and dancing outside the box.
But you won't believe, this philosophy works really well, in the real life as well.
If you are in an expectations zone, and you get hurt.. then either you can cry about it, and mull over it.. or you fake it. Even to your heart, about being strong, about telling yourself, over and over again that, it doesn't matter. That there is a life beyond the thing that has gone wrong!

The boyfriend has been explaining to me for last so many weeks, that I need to move on, and that I have to be professional in my approach to the people in office. The emotional me, is just not ready to move on. * an immensely stupid thing to do, trust me!*

So, Ms. P, ignored me on my face. I said nothing. I smiled.
And today, I go to FB, I try to find Ms. V, because I need to pass on some information to her, to help her.. and what do I find, that she is no longer listed in my friend list. I finally find her. Send her the message that I had to. And, I feel like shit!
I have no idea, why she 'un-friended' me. And I don't intent to even find out. But yes, it does hurt you alot. The fact that, even when you do nothing, just follow the orders, try to adjust to the new situations [read: new office] and make the best out of it- You are coldly ignored.

To be honest, I feel like crying. But, I am not. I am going to be a strong person. And, she is just a colleague. Nothing more. As a matter of fact, with the attitude that P & V have shown me, they have lost respect in my eyes. Yes, they have. Oh, MDR, is chilled as ever. He had made it very clear to me that, long distance relationship, even if it is two offices in the same city, just don't work out. So, he will act like a cool dude.

Here is a decision that I am going to stick to. No more 'feelings' in the whole office business. You are my senior, I am your junior. I ask you a question, you answer my question. That is it. I have to grow out of this nonsense. And, I am going to grow up. And move ahead! 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Our Walk- For Dignity!

There is enough said on the web about the ‘Slut-Walk’; that is going to be organized in the rape capital, a.k.a. Delhi!
The media, the netizens,.. almost everyone has had their take on it. I also have a take on it. Actually I have been meaning to write for the longest time, but, my state of mind has been such, that I just could not formulate anything in my head to write a post that makes some sense.
But today when I read the post at Bohemian Rhapsody, I just could not stop myself from typing my thoughts out.
So, Ms. Seema Goswami thinks, that if we dress up the way we dress up, we should be ready to face the consequences of it. Therefore, if we do take her advise on this issue, we should dress up like idiots and go to work. But there is just one problem here, madam Goswami, that, even when we women are dressed up like idiots, or as a matter of fact, even if we are dressed up in Burqua’s, sarees or even bloody Salwar Kameez (with a dupatta mind you), we are sneered upon. Then what should we do?

Stop working, is what you or rather most of the people would say, but tell me, is that practical? Won’t that mean that India will be pushed back a couple centuries behind.. and you too happen to work, just that you are a media person and have all the money and wealth to afford it, the aam junta, can’t really afford that.

Why is it that, every time there is a question of women safety, it always comes down to the way we are dressed. Of course, we know what we are wearing. But, my question is, why the fuck can’t we wear what we like? Why should I be made to think twice if I have to wear a nice dress or a nice top?

Why can’t for a change, the mentality of the men be questioned? Just because you can’t tangibly measure it in the terms of whether it is dirty or not? Every time a woman whether dressed conventionally or provocatively walks in front of a man, if he is of a filthy mind, he will undress her, in his imagination, and rape her there and then. But, it doesn’t matter, because, by the virtue of being a woman, we invite it. Is that it?

The MEN will never change their mentality.. will they? The day they start truly respecting a woman, they will not be just innocent by standers to an incident of eve teasing. But no, they are males, and they have feelings too [read: EGO] and therefore to ‘protest’ against the Slut-walk, there is also a Stud-walk that is being organized… they basically are protesting against stereotyping of Delhi Boys as Jaat Boys who are rapists!!
How ridiculous is that?

Again the whole purpose of the Slut-Walk is lost on them!

And then, we are told, that we call it upon ourselves, when we dress the way we dress!
We have said it umpteenth times, but they don’t listen, do they? It is the menial mentality of the male that needs to be changed. And the first change that needs to be done is; to teach them by hook or by crook, that Women are human beings, not just a pound of flesh or a sex toy! And NO it doesn’t hurt your darling ego, if you mind your own business instead of leching over the next woman that passes by you! 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

There is a sense of helplessness in me right now.
Yes, I took down the last post too, because every time a comment came, or every time I logged in blogger, it was a stark reminder of the way life has turned upside down.

I was happy. More than that, I was content, that life finally was settling down. There were the occasional arguments. The confusions, the decisions.
But for the last couple of weeks.. things were as they should have been. Good.

But, no, some one up there, He doesn't like to see me or my boyfriend happy and content.
And, yes, call it cliched, call it very filmy or call it what ever you would want to.. but I am really sick of this nonsense.. sick of knowing the fact that every time there is something that would make us happy, there will be something else, waiting for us, round the corner to create a storm and break all hell loose over us.

Why us?

I really want us to be happy together.