Monday, March 31, 2014


So, I went home after 3 whole months.  For exactly 3 days.

As usual, right now, I am cranky. I want to go back.

This was a quick trip. A surprise that I had planned all by myself, making this into a work- pleasure trip. And the joy on the faces of my father, my grandmother, my mother, BFF, Bua and Uncle D was priceless. The entire effort was worth all of it.
When I rand the bell, Friday night, and my Dad opened the door, it was pure joy on his face, and my mom was over the moon. My grandmother could not understand the commotion till I ran to her room and stood in front of her and she was like “OH MY GOD”.
I stood behind BFF’s bedroom door, when she came to her house the next day and continously kept on hitting me to make sure that I am in Delhi.
Bua, reacted like she has just won the miss universe contest, and my weekend was made. I wish I could come down every other weekend to be with them. To help my mom do the clothes that only she can discuss with me. Be there for the BFF.. for my sister, when she is going through her usual crisis mode.
But, alas, it is a pleasure which is reserved now, for the time being. BFF is really hopeful, so is my mum, and actually, EVERYBODY is really hopeful, including me that I would be able come back to Delhi, for good. I really want to. But it seems that fate has something else in store for us. I really don’t know, how to tempt fate, because, the moment I do, I know I would end up paying a huge price for it.

It has been almost 1.5 years since we have been married, but I still ache every time I go to Delhi and every time I have to come back. It is the same battle that I fight when I have to leave the husband and Sugar behind.

Such a catch 22 situation I am in currently, that it is not even funny.

I went to the Delhi High Court today.. And it seemed like home. It has always been home. I felt the itch to sit in the chair that I did, when I conducted my meeting today. I don’t know, what I felt at that p[articular time, embarrassed maybe when a very senior advocate told my father that he should be proud to have a daughter like me.

My mom and I are so alike in so many ways that it is not even funny.. She gets super irritated every time I am leaving for Mumbai. I have seen the pattern. For the kind of childhood that I have had with her, the troubled relationship that I have had with my mother, I never really thought that I would miss her so much. Marriage does weird things to your relationships.
That is a fact.

Oh, GOD, what I would not do to be there for them, as often as they liked. I know, the husband is very sceptical about how his mother in law will interfere in our lives. Of course, both his in laws influence a lot of my decisions, but then, there is a good reason for that influence. If only he understood.
But, yes, even though I too am sceptical about my mother’s interference, but I do know that the good sense of my dad will always prevail over my mother’s calls. So I think it will work out.

In the three days that I was in Delhi, I did not make any social calls. Kashvi will know what I mean. I just wanted to be under the radar for all practical purposes. I remember a post that she had written a couple years back during one of her trips back home, where all she wanted to do was to just be at home. At that point in time, after I read what she had written I called her up check if all was okay. She tried to explain, I tried to understand, but all went in vain. Today, I think I see that post and all her emotions in a different light.
Of course I know of a lot of people (including my husband, who, loves the idea of a home away from home, minus the emotions that I feel) but well, I feel differently.
Yes, I am too emotionally attached to my roots, to my house, to my life that I have always lived. Despite the restrictions, despite the grudges, I think I miss being unmarried and bickering about life in general. I miss being, ME.
I won’t say that I am leading a bad life. Actually, the husband takes really good care of me. I don’t even call up my parents as often. But, well.. Delhi is Home. It will always be home. It is where memories are. It what has made me.
No, wonder the song “Kabira” (from Yeh Jawani hai Deewani) makes me homesick. Always.

I am in flight, while I type this, and I have shed tears, at least twice. And, I am tearing up again. Eons ago, when I used to go stay with taiji for a month or two at a go, or for that matter when I did my internships in Mumbai, I used to tear up, when I had to come back home.. I used to be so proud of myself at not being homesick.
I guess, I never knew this stage.

Life has its ways.

Any ways, this was pure rant. Pure remembrance captured in a post.. or so I tried.

I hope you all had a fun month of March , doing your taxes.. Now starts the month of politics, and hopefully I will be able to put in my thoughts about the general elections soon enough.

Ciao till then.

Friday, March 21, 2014


These are two lines out of this article that is doing rounds on the social media. The article is being touted as being written by Brad Pitt. Whether that is true or not, I don't know, but yeah, what the article says in totality is amazing.
The following lines, sum it all up..

"The woman is the reflection of her man, and the man of her woman. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it; as will you. "

Monday, March 10, 2014

So be it.

So much in the totality of things that I really really really do not know, where to go now.

I am in a state of limbo.

I have been asked not be upset because something that I have looking forward to for a long time is not happening any more.
The reply is "I too am upset about it".

I don't care if you are upset. It is your own fault that you have reached here. I kept telling you to keep check, but you did not.
Now you put me in a catch 22 situation, where, you want me not to react to me being upset.
You want me never to react, when you give your dumb gadgets or the dog more love than what I get. You want me not to react when the travel plans unravel, and I know that in the future, near or far, we wont be to go on a holiday. Either the leaves wont be there or money wont be there.

But you will not realise that despite everything, me being upset, me being angry, me feeling unloved, I made sure that despite the restrictions you have fun. If you could not go to the fun and friends, then I got them to you. Or at least made sure that they are there.

Still you want me to bottle up.
Then so be it.

Friday, March 7, 2014


Have you ever felt,
The unease of silence,

Of clouding gloom,
Of being lost,
In the winding corridors of,

When all you remember,
On closing your eyes,
Is the tinkering laughter of,
The life gone by?

The hopelessness gathering steam,
The hope losing the steam,
And you walking down on the street,
With your own voice bouncing from the walls..
Silence echoing silence..

In a hope that soon,
Hope shall echo hope,
Sunlight shall filter through the cracks on the wall,
The tinkering laughter shall be once again a part of your life.

Right now, it is the game of patience,
Of testing times.
Hold on, even if it is to silence,
Sometimes the stifling silence,
Makes you hear your own heart,
Your own voice,
Gives you the courage,
As you move forth,
In the game of life.

I was trying to find a title for this post, but I really cant title it.
Too many thoughts running amok in my mind. It is 11.46 pm. I have to be up at 5.30 am to go pick up Husband's friend from the airport. The husband is still on a house arrest.

About 10 minutes back, I read a message from my younger sister saying that our Dadi has been keeping unwell and that I should visit Delhi.
I called up home immediately, only to find out that her asthma has been troubling her and she has not been sleeping too well. As a matter of fact, right now also she was uneasy and unwell. I of course am equally disturbed. It is on these occasions that I hate myself for moving to Mumbai.
I can totally imagine my father's unease. I can imagine sister's concern.
The thing is that, my grandmother has always doubled up as my mum, she has been there for me forever.. and I hate to see her like that.
All of a sudden the impending trip to Dubai seems to feel like an albatross around my neck. I wish that the trip was not happening and that I could just hop on a flight next week and go see her. But alas, that is not happening any time soon.
And thus, in order to make impromptu plans, husband decided to check flight tickets.
He expects me to board a flight from Delhi to Mumbai on a Monday morning at 4 AM. Apart from the fact that it is going to spoil whole of my Monday, this flight time is going to spoil whole of the night for my Dad. He will insist on dropping me to the airport, and that would mean being up at 2 am . I know that it will not go down well with him, and apart from being upset and mad at me, his health would also be at risk.
Of course, the husband thinks otherwise, he says that all I am scared of is my father's anger.

I just wish he understood the dilemma of a married daughter, the one who can't go comfort her parents and the one who can't displease her husband.   

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Can we be friends?

I remember the days when becoming friends was much easier task. It was about a handshake, and a tiffin share. Or maybe that extra chocolate on your birthday.

As the teenage came close, I started to realise the concepts of the groups, and how I did not really fit in. I often asked, why can't we all be friends. I could not understand the dynamics then. I can't understand the dynamics now.
During college, I never really understood the fuss about hanging around in the canteen. I used to hang around in the library. I got the usual "group" calls, I don't really remember being a part of one. I remember though that I felt bad about my abrupt decision of talking to most of the girls in my class, unless it was necessary (of course college fest time was "lets be friends with everyone" time) . The ONLY one I remember apologising to was PW, who is still a friend. We don't call each other often, but she still calls me more than I do. Then there was one more girl, who I feel is awesome, KD. She is a mum now, so we hardly get to talk, but I know that she is there for me. Then there are the boys, from college there are two, who I know are grateful to me because they passed thanks to me making then study. But, we are not in touch. Neither am I in touch with too many others.
And somewhere in middle of college, school and BFF, I found friends here on the blogosphere. I found those friends to be non judgemental, open minded, free spirited. A few are friends even in the real world. Why, Uncle Jack, came to my wedding, and he even has a blog post about it. (Note to self: Meet him next trip) and then there were friends who I hoped would remain friends for life, but they decided to drift off, never making time for me, despite me reaching out to them. It is then when you realise, that few are freinds, rest all just come and go, they give you memories to cherish, but then that is it, the hope of making new memories goes.

I am wary of friends. In the last post itself when I wrote about those set of friends barring may be AJ, who talks to me every day.. it seems like all it a forgotten memory.. a pleasant one at that. I always thought that when you get together to put up a show, and spend so much time together, you connect, maybe not to all, but you do connect.. it seems it is harder to be friends in a corporate world than to ignore the other person.

It was a beautiful life, when "Can we be friends", was a genuine intent to be friends for life. 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Happy Hangover !!!

So, the month of February is over.
Whilst on one hand I have been on a happy high about the fact that the husband and I have completed 9 years of being together, on the other, Feb, was a rather difficult month.
Husband has been down with Hepatitis A, and that means he has been on a house arrest for the second half of the month.

He is much much better now, and on the road to recovery.

I on the other hand have had a very different month. Whilst the Husband was resting up, I was running around. The IOffice, had their annual event, in which our branch always does a group dance. Now, I guess everyone who has known me for a even a couple of hours knows for a fact that, dance for me is an addiction, a high that makes me forget everything. It is my meditation, my love, my instant gratification, and my solution to all the problems of my life.
So, in any case, where there is dance , there is me.
And, there I am, 2 months into the organization and enthusiastically, going ahead to participate in the biggest event of the year for the people of that organization. Not only that, I also end up bagging the lead in two songs. So there I am, dancing like Helen to Shammi Kapoor (Shammi Kapoor was being done by my Boss, JUST IMAGINE MY HORROR) in "Oh Haseena Zulfon Wali" and then being the bar dancer Kimi Katcker of "Jumma Chumma".

Add to the above mix, a choreographer (Harya) , who is not that great looking, but super fun to hang out with. Another colleague from IT (JB), who is equally cool, and one of my other team mate (AJ) , who is not the miss goody two shoes .. and we have a gang of insane people.
The two weeks , to the run up to last night, when the function happened, were probably the most memorable ones, with unexpected and impromptu dinners, and weekends of dance practice and hunting the right costumes and then going mad co-ordinating. By, whatever twist of fate I was in middle of all of this.
Harya, JB, AJ and I had lunch together last Sunday, and then Harya, JB and I went ahead to do the costume thingy.. and even though we had all clicked, the magic happened that afternoon, and all three of us bonded.

Last night, was of course was at a different altogether. It was the night when we danced, met another of Harya's friend, Gir , who decided to name me "Pathan" for some weird reason. Whilst we did not drink any alcohol, we were hight on the dance and it was, like, I was liberated from my responsibilities. From being someone else, and I was just me. I was not thinking about anything. I was not planning out for the next day. I was living in that moment. Completely soaking it up.
We stopped by at the Worli Sea Face. I just could not help myself, and I had a smoke. I sat hearing the sea, while JB, AJ and Gir decided to have cutting and coffee.. Harya was stating with me at looking at the sea. Both of us saying exactly the same thing that, how sea calmed us.

And then, it was time to say good bye. To tell them all that how I will miss all the action of the last two weeks. And, how much fun it is to finally have a set of friends, which are my own, who can dance, go wild and have fun minus the judgement.

Ioffice is gonna be a different story to tackle from Monday. It is going to be how it was in college, another loop. Another set of mentalities that are beyond me. But that is on Monday, and before Monday, there is Sunday.

Life after a long time feels like it is getting out of a certain rut. I am going to enjoy that. And not over think. And, hopefully, don't go on an over drive.


PS: The Husband has finally gotten me a "Chromebook", that means I can blog more often, and finally get back to my blog friends and read a lot more. All fingers crossed.