Sunday, November 29, 2009

I know that I am not the brightest star in your universe,
but I try very hard to be that twinkle in your eyes,
the one I have never seen...

I may not have what it takes,
but I speak the truth when I say,
that I don't know what is it that I have...

For so many that you got in my life,
they were impressed by what they saw!
But why I wonder do you fail to see,
what the world sees...

Or is it that the world fakes,
to be in your good books?

It has always been about...
the books and the looks?
A little more tall you scream,
little more thin atleast...
Dumb, be not, atleast get more marks,
than him, than her...

Why do you push me,
to be her,
why not nudge and budge,
to be ME!

A fool you call me,
to let the world go by,
never really caring to look,
and look like thy..

Yes, I am a fool,
to try and be her,
losing myself in a world,
created by you for you...
Where am I in that world of yours?

Unconditional love and care,
that was the deal,
why is their an astrix to every hug that I receive?

Broken your trust have I ?
live with it,
like I have heart broken.

I don't blame you,
I never will...
I am the one who never learned to tell you,
to love me, to care...
I am the one who forgot,
To stand up and ask for what is mine.

In this, lack of communic,
you just claim to know me,
I know that you don't know me.

I am ready to walk,
to try to redeem myself,
slowly walking out of your life,
into the one that is mine.
I am walking away in a hope..
that when the world truly sees,
you also see- and not be ashamed of me.

Friday, November 27, 2009

OH GOD- I am sorry...!!!

I need to keep my my mouth shut.
Stop being such a moron.
And such a self centered BITCH that I am.

Ki, I am really sorry. My behavior was way out of line.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Into another life- All the Best- My love!!

I am at Shayon's place. Packing his bags for his journey to a new beginning that awaits him on the other side.
Right now, he is not around. And, I am already feeling a deep void of not having him around. It took us almost 3 months to get used to having each other at max 20 minutes apart, and in a little less than 24 hours... he will be on his way to a new life.

As much as it is hurting me right this instant.. and the physical hurt that I am feeling packing up his stuff... I am not going to break down and act like a drama queen.

I am just going to wish him Bon- Voyage and lots of success in his new job. I know he is very excited... and I urge all of you all to please wish him all the luck in his new job and pray that we are united again REALLY SOON.

All the Very BEST!!! I love you Sweetheart..!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Have you ever felt so suffocated that it feels like the walls are closing into you... and even when you the door, you do not have the energy to just life your hand up and get that door opened before you are choked to the oblivion??
Or felt, that you are just plain outta luck, that it is ridiculous and you feel like its a nightmare that is lasting way too long...
Or just felt so lonely that- despite being surrounded by people you have a feeling that you are not there, and that you are watching yourself from a vantage point...
have you?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dancing like a Star...!!

Ashley Lobo, took our class yesterday, apart from having the heart and mind fluttering about like a mad butterfly, it was a GREAT experience. I mean, how often do you get a chance to be taught by people who are icons in their field?
Apart from dance, we had a nice interact with him also. It was great.
And he is a great great talker, has almost convinced me that I should take up dance professionally- Now ain't that a new one.
Now, I must clarify here, that the interact was with the entire batch and that he was telling us all to pursue dance as a profession.
But anyways- it was a very motivating thought, especially, when you look at the way Ashley puts it..!! That when you are dancing you are doing something that you totally love, and when you are doing something that you totally love- it doesn't feel like work at all. Sounds good? right!!!
So my dear brain got working on this newest seed of thought- That can I actually become one of the great dancers... DUHU- Reality check happened when I came back home and we were watching 'So you think you can dance' Well, it was not their great dancing, but my mother's disgusting looks at their costumes and dances that made me realized that, this may not go down that well with them at this juncture- But- that does not mean that I am not going to dance anymore- As a matter of fact- Finally, I think that Mr. R, notices me class and that I may actually be making some progress, so while I learn how to interpret laws, I will also learn how to interpret music, and dance like a star...!!
On the other side of life, it is exactly in one week that Shayon is going to say Good bye to Delhi... and, I have no clue how to make one of the last few days that we spend together soooooooo special for both of us... so I think I am going to just be, and may be reality sink into me later.

Right now- I have to study and make a practical file. GOD.. HELP!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

There is a Zebra in my Room..!!!

Alright- I know that I have not been a good girl about updating my blog. But, every time I open this page the only thing that I feel like doing is ranting, and being sad about the coming few weeks.

Yeah, when the boyfriend is leaving, the mood swings are bound to happen. And, I am going to try really hard not to be sad about him leaving.

So anyways- did I mention that me bunking college has pretty backfired on me. And that, I am actually on ultimatums from the college, therefore I have to give the presentations and give all the pre- university exams (which are not compulsory otherwise). So, I have been actually trying to go to the college.
Apart from the chaos in my college/professional life,
Life @ home has been turbulent too-
My mom had been after our lives to sort out our stuff so that we can get some painting done in the house, and guess what- she succeeded...!!!
Yeah- so, my room has a new colour, or rather colours- It is basically bright yellow with bright orange giving it some company.
One of the walls has gone designer- and is painted in orange and yellow stripes- even though it looks like that the zebra has played holi- it has just brightened the entire aura of the room. The stripes, I dunno, I feel like are an omen. They it seems represent order in chaos- That my life is.

This seems like the general update on my me.
Nothing really special is happening, and to be frank, I have started dreading the thought of being alone at all. I am pretty lonely here, the friends that I really have are far off, and the one that I have here is busy in her life, and even though we meet we try to focus on happy things.
OH GOD- I feel so used right now.
In every possible ways-
I feel like, I am there for everyone, and when I need everyone around me, everyone is busy in their lives.
Be it friends, boyfriend or just about anybody.
I have the MOST fucked up relationship with my parents- you know the sorts in which they think that they know their child and in the end they realize that the time to really bond is over. Yeah, we have our moments but I can never be their younger daughter. I am not perfect you see.
There is this hateful sister factor in it also- Doing everything an elder sister does, keeping her eyes and ear open, you know making her case in front of the parents, sorting out all her fights, but in the end- All I have been getting is major attitude- Not even a proper thanks.
You know once in a while it is good to hear something nice from your parents.
I hate being the butt of almost all jokes that are cracked around me, and about me.
Right now- This instant- I can almost feel the anger pounding in my head and on the subconscious level I know, this is a rant post- But I can't help it.
It is OK to be selfish. At times.
Shayon bought himself a new url so you can read his pearls of wisdom here, from now on.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Here I am...

Thank you all for missing me sooo much.
It was awesome to see that I do matter to all my friends. I just wish that my parents could see that.
Anyway- There were no real reasons that I was away. I was just busy preparing for sister's sweet sixteen party. The damn thing was such an elaborate affair that- I feel that I never turned sixteen, let alone have a milestone birthday party.
The party was inspired by a reality show on VH1 called- My Super Sweet Sixteen. And trust me, with the kind of mishaps, and upswings, down swings and the drama that took place to make sister's party a success- I almost felt that I was a part of the reality show myself. The dress came like 1.5 hours before the party was to start.. there was a phase when it looked like that no one is gonna turn up for the party.
Thank God for all his kindness- The party was a success- And, I am happy that- it is gone and over. It has been THE most anticipated event of our family.
The next few things are loads of weddings and relatives coming over to kickstart the party towards the culmination of this year.

Amongst all the hullabaloo- I am trying to drown my sadness and the void that is slowly forming in my heart as the date of Shayon's departure is coming closer. To be frank- I am not looking forward to the alone time that I am going to get. It is such a different phase of life for me- when all of the people around me- be it my cousins or my friends- are working. Apart from making me feel like a kiddo- there seems to be a difference in the time schedules, in the priorities... they have different activities to look forward to, different people to meet...
And it is taking me a LOT of time to adjust to the fact that we all are growing up- and from discussing exam schedules- we are discussing office timings. It feels- like I said- Different.

It is life. I have no choice but accept these facts- and Get on with it. But, once in a while you do need a certain re assurance that in this long journey of life whenever at whatever milestone you turn back there are people who love you and care for you...!!!

I am back- and once again Thank you all for missing me...!!! :)