And its a WRAP : Year End Saga IV

I don't think that I'll be writing anytime soon. At least not till the year has turned again. I remember the year before, as December 31 was approaching, my heart was in my throat. We were planning a retirement party. We had just come back from an epic holiday, and while I was not looking forward to the year in general, I was at the back of my head anticipating some adventures.

I made the mistakes of anticipating adventures, and had the biggest one I could have ever imagined. Just as the year drew to a close, we moved to Delhi. I lost my grandmother within days of us moving to Delhi (the family thinks that Dadi was waiting to ensure that I was around, I of course feel that I wish she had helped in raising my kids (whenever that would have been)).
I learnt that despite giving clear instructions, when packers and movers come, you are always in a mess, and it is VERY important to separate the stuff of your landlord from your own.

I am in all honestly not in a celebratory mode. I miss my grandmother, who is gone, but mostly I miss my Husband who despite being around is just not there. So I have nothing really to look forward to in 2016. I am still in a bad job. There is no career movement at all from where I stand, and if things remain the way they are, I'll be thrown out soon as well. Yes, the year is not ending on a high. It is mostly ending on a note that is leaving me with way too much to desire and dreams that seem nothing but a mirage. Nevertheless, patience and perseverance they say pay. Eventually. One can hope.

So here is wishing you all the best in the coming year.

Tentative Steps: Year End Saga III

We are all victims of our own doings. Of the decisions that we take, and the repercussions of those decisions. Honestly, there is no one to blame.

This is one of the major lessons that I have learnt in this year. That there is NO one to blame, but your own self for the decisions that you take.

It was my own decision to not curb on my spending (s) when for two years we were in a house where we had to pay no rent. It would have been an easy (at least 10k a month, which would have translated into a substantial saving over the two years); but, to be really honest, I lost the plot. I do not know where all the money that I earned during the "rent free" period went. I do definitely remember getting a second job to "make the ends meet". Also, sometimes I feel that, some financial decisions could have been taken with more information. Like for example, as I write this, I just remembered that a certain personal loan was taken by the Husband at the time of the wedding, and instead of handing over the cheque of all the monetary gifts that we received during the wedding to the FIL, we could have paid off a part of the Personal Loan (or maybe not/ or we could have just put away that money in a bank account from where the loan money was being paid, so that we could have started out debt free? I don't know, but thinking about it in retrospect is a bad thing- messes with my brain). From each outing (whether its the dinners or outstation travels) to god only knows what, I know that those two years have been lost, and this year, all we did was to make the ends meet.
It is DAMN important to be able to rid yourself of debt crisis, and it weights you down to the extent of drowning. So, yeah, I have learnt the hard-way about the money. About the responsibility of each penny that is being spent.

I have learnt about procrastination. About, how good am I at putting everything off for the next day. I have learnt that I do not have the conviction to do many things. I don't feel the urge. I don't feel the need, and above all I think I have lost the passion to live. When you are trying to just get by life, you lose your willingness to actually strive. I am doing a job that pays. Something. It was my own decision to leave the law firm where I was working and struggle with in house positions, hence messing up with my career. I have become, untouchable in the job market, and when that is the case, you don't have passion, you just live by. One of the primary reasons for my leaving my secure law firm job was the travelling bit, the bit about not being able to give family time, without realizing the fact that I am not the only one who has to focus on the "family" thing. In any case, the Husband has always been more apt in the "family matters". I am neither apt. Nor good enough. Just because.

I have learnt about keeping shut, shoving things under the carpet and to look at bigger pictures. I have learnt about pretending that my eyes have something in it, when I tear up in office (because of something that has gone out of hand because of things that I say or do). I have learnt that I mostly do not make any sense, and that therefore, I am always mostly wrong.

I have learnt that each and every word, each and every action has a reaction, has a consequence. It just pushes you beyond your measure of being. I have learnt that neither anger nor tears help, but putting aside something that you felt was wrong, and always remembering the good over the bad helps in keeping things in semblance. And, I have come to realise that there are some problems that just cannot be solved. Sometimes it is your own self stepping back, letting go and shelving fights that are important to keep things and relationships intact. I have realised, and am learning the art of finding happiness by keeping the rest happy. 

The Saga of Death: Year End Saga (II)

I just did not want to write another post about death.
Death is about loss, something that I had experienced a lot (losing my loved ones, one after the other) and I had hoped that it would be a long time before this happened again.

To be fair, it was more than 10 years. It has been me who has been trying to hold time, and hoping that time doesn't affect me.

My grandmother (Dadi), the glue of my family left us for heavenly abode last week. It has been a tremendous loss to our family and while we know and understand that she was almost 85, that she had seen and lived her life fully, the emptiness of not having her around to constantly remind us to have breakfast, or to wake up, or in general being snarky is going to take a lot of time to get used to.

While we were just getting out of this shock, we received the news of my father's childhood friend just collapsing while on a walk. He was in Australia and he was not very old.

While we cope with our loss, we are also made to think, and made to realise how precious life is, that how important it is to let go of our egos and hold on to the things that just make us angry.

It is so important that we think about what is it that we would want in our life, whether it is accumulation of wealth or accumulation of loving relationships, with family and friends that would last us beyond our days of partying and drinking.

Dadi has left behind a family that is cohesive but also pretty fragile. Our inner strengths and power plays are going to be tested, and eventually (mostly willfully) some of us would have to compromise on the behaviour of the other. It is a long road ahead, and all of us can only hope.

The lessons in life, often, are not restricted to life alone. Even in death the wise leave behind the lessons that we most hold on to. 

Winter is Coming: The Year End Saga

This Saga Starts again.
After a hiatus of about an year, I re start the report on the year that has gone by.

This year has been extremely interesting.
I have travelled, from one end of Mumbai to the other. With the amount of travelling that constituted each of my day (on an average 60 kms a day), I would have probably seen more of the world than the slums of Mumbai.

I have learnt several other hard lessons this year. The most important being the ones related to making the wrong career decisions, about money (or the lack of it), about loving my Dog, and missing my husband, about learning to enjoy personal walks in a city where the personal space is no bigger than where the peak of your nose is.

This year has been about a lot of churning. About how time waits for none, and about, how you think and perceive about the time that has gone by.

This year has also made me learn about Friends and Friendships. And that thing about "out of sight is out of mind". I learnt about, how good friends just move. Move away, and then they are different. And even though we will pick up from where we left, there are very few friendships that stick by you despite the distance.
I found a friend and a confidant in the most unexpected person ever. And, though he is Husband's BFF, the discovery of our ease with each other now ensures that I disturb him at the most in appropriate times.

There were other revelations as well, like, how I always felt that my parents need to really grow up and let go, and how I had thought that post marriage, they had.. well that is not true. Parents, are always that. And surprisingly, while my Dad is becoming rigid in terms of change, it has been my Mother, who is slowly learning to let go. Slowly being the key word. [She has accepted the Dog in the house, albeit only under strict supervision and guidelines, but they are a few meters apart, and are in peace with each other.. or so I hope]. There is a thirst of adventure that has taken over my Mom, and the fact that she wants to live the grand life through us is slightly unnerving, but then I need to show her things, refine her taste, and maybe in the whole scheme of things get her satisfaction quotient up a bit more.

The lessons in love and marriage never cease. It is amazing that even when you live with someone day in and day out you find something new about your partner, on an average in about every 2 odd days. For husband and me, it has been almost 11 years of being together, and he still doesn't take the hints. He still doesn't realise that I am on my phone most of the time, after I see that he is more interested in his! Or for that matter, the fun of watching a TV Series for me is watching it together with him, and for him it is, watching it as soon as it is out. So, yeah, finding the new things..


If there is a reason as why things happen, and so on and so forth, then I really hope to God, that three years after the first round of over haul, when we are back to the NCR, things change for the better for us. No, they were not bad in Mumbai. But yes, they can be better. Career-wise for both us, family wise, and of course general happiness wise.

As, I end this post, in anticipation to the next few ones about the year that flew by us, it has just rained outside, and while I know a certain friend of mine who also moved back to Delhi after a hiatus is going to curse the spell of rain, I see that the Winter is Coming! 

Political Musings

There was a long debate on a Firstpost Article that the Husband had shared on his FB feed, which unlike the rest of the media made a little bit more sense about the "intolerance" remark.

For all that it is worth, the whole initial debate which started with SRK saying that we are becoming intolerant, followed by Aamir saying the same. Somewhere during the statements that were made by these two celebrities, their were the others from the community of actors, producers, writers, scholars, and other intelligentsia who decided that they would return the state honours that have been given to them as a mark of protest against the rising tempers and "intolerance" in the country.

As soon as the intelligentsia opened their mouth to protect their own integrity as the people of art and their own interest, it sparked an outrage. An outrage that was uncalled for, an outrage that questioned the nationality and patriotism of the actors and the other award givers.

Can someone, anyone, please explain to me, how is this being "tolerant". How is it that the Government decides to use these very celebrities to spread the messages of awareness in the public, and when these celebrities say something which actually means something, the public in general instead of really applying their minds, just start trolling.

And this is why we end up having morons as our leaders.

We are a country that gets swayed by wherever the tides pull us. Oh, this man, who is a Muslim by religion, says that there is intolerance in the country automatically means that he is talking about the hindutva sect (chor ki daadi me tinka)..!!

Did anyone of the silly people re-tweeting and re sharing the anti Aamir Khan messages and posts, sit back and think that if a man, who has all the money that he can get and any kind of security that he desires, and who can choose to turn his face away from everything, instead chooses to talk about it to the world, then there is something seriously wrong with the world that we are living in.

We have become the generation which has such an overwhelming amount of information at our disposal, that we have forgotten how sift the wheat from the chaff, how to process the information, and respond to the musings and action of the intelligentsia. We react.

There are factions in the society, amongst us, and people like the Husband and my self, who have stopped reacting to the outrage of the people, and the outrageous comments that they make. We have become numb to the happenings of intolerance that are happening around us.

I for once can't stop wondering that why are people not reacting to the poison in the Air that we are breathing every single day of our lives, or reacting to the bad infrastructure that the politicians refuse to do anything about.
The Politicians give the most nonsensical reasons to the society at large to react about (religious and casts and love jihad) and make us all forget about the real reasons why they were put on the seat of power, as the representative of the people in the first place. 

The Thanksgiving update

So many things have been happening around me and to me that I haven't had the time, nor have I had the energy to write about it.

Things have changed.
Yet again.

As I write this update on my blog, I am sitting in an office in Delhi. Yes, you read that right. The Husband and I have moved back to the Dil walon ki Dilli. He got a new job, I took a transfer. This decision was taken a long time ago, however, we were planning to take it a little bit slowly, and had hoped to move back here with a little bit more mental preparation and emotional stability.
But life has a way of throwing curve balls and the timing is always wrong.

So, instead of moving with our timelines, we ended up moving much much earlier. We have managed to finalise a house in the NCR region, and since I will the victim of long travel again, I shall be writing about the ever amazing failed public transport system in this city. [If you have stayed in Delhi all your life, you know for a fact that the Auto walla bhaiyas have perfected the art of ignoring your presence when you try to flag them for a ride, and the buses may be used at your own risk and lastly, even though Delhi Metro is the BEST, there is still a lot to be desired].

We did the most epic road trip to Delhi, since we wanted to get the car and Sugar along with us. We drove from Mumbai to Delhi via Ahemdabad and Pushkar (Rajasthan) over period of 2 nights and 3 days. We had our friend, Mr. Mad Cap Loony, who on my insistence flew down to Mumbai to do the Road trip with us. There was thus never a lull of conversation, weird songs and amazing time on the trip. We were on a timeline to reach Delhi and therefore, we could not really see much of the cities that we passed through, but yes, we did stop over at Mount Abu for Lunch.
The other epic part of the journey was us getting trampled by a bunch of cows on the national Highway. We are all okay, the car, is a different story altogether (It is not as bad as I am making it sound!).

The fact that we have moved back still hasn't sunk in. There are those butterflies and nervous episodes that make me feel that this is just another vacation that may get over any time.

The biggest thing that has happened after our moving to Delhi, was a distinct change in everyone's attitude towards Sugar. While my Mom still stays away from her physically, I get an update about Sugar's day down to the T. From how much did she play to with who all did she play and how much did she sleep and all that jazz. Sugar has somehow gotten hurt on her knee, and has therefore been limping, and before I could make that out, I got a report from my Mom, that there is something wrong with her, and that she has been licking her paw constantly. Of course, there is still a lot of apprehension around Sugar, but it is still better than having a wall in my house.

And this is how we marked our 3rd Marriage Anniversary. In middle of finding houses, staying out of a suitcase and rediscovering the joys and constraints of having the entire family hounding you day and night..

Here is thanking everyone who has helped me in this journey and here is hoping for the best in the coming challenges! 

How "Not" to be a Boss

I have had a plethora of bosses, with each one giving me something or the other to ponder about. As chance would have it, most of my bosses have been women, and that have made things slightly complicated (You women are complicated beings!)

So while the post is going to be a critical analysis of the Bosses and lessons to take from itr, they are purely my own, and IF any of my bosses is reading this, then well, take it with a pinch of salt!!

Ms. MA:
My first boss, who is as fierce a feminist as can be. Someone whose husband is a foreigner and stays in a foreign land, and she was managing a long distance marriage (at that point in time, I could not piece together my relationship over a distance!) and she taught me that I would not want to have a life where I cannot balance my asperations along with my family. She also taught me that there is absilutely no short cut to success, but time management makes working smarter an easy solution.

Ms.PC:
She was/ is my mentor. She may not have the hard hitting attitude, but she sure does have a lot of patience. She taught me the value of confidence, of reading and learning, and she has constantly been my guide. She has taught me grit (she is a single mom, who is raising a teenage son, with a heart of Gold). I have learnt from her never to give up, and the fact that as a boss, if you trust your junior, you will always always get loyalty in return.

Ms. SS & Mr. RS:
These were my bosses in the "corporate world" and have taught me so much about corporate politics that it makes me shudder to the core. Ms. SS, has taught me how not be a bitch who gets swayed by anything and everything, and how important is it to use your own brains to make the most important decisions.
Mr. RS has taught me that, when you act like a "SOB", then you will loose good talent, and your own ego will make you choose the most wrong people for the jobs that they are doing.

Both of them also taught me, that it is a very bad idea to look at things from one perspective, and being non appreciative about the things that have been done by your juniors over the years and otherwise.
They also taught me the imporance of appreciation (rather non- appreciation).

Dr. PA & BNM:
The current crop of bosses. The more you say about them, the less it is. They have taught me the most in the last 8 months of my stint here.
One of the primary lessons that I have learnt is about deciet.. Yes you read that right. When you promise something and do something else.
The next lesson that I have learnt here is about pulling the strings from behind a puppet, and how easy it is for you to do that if you have the money.
The other lesson that I have learnt is about knowledge. While Ms. PC was weak in certain portions of law, she would always ask for help, and trust the person who has more knowledge than her to ensure that correct advise is given. Here, even though, the knowledge bank is empty and the people who know their stuff are willing to help, the trust is missing.
Micro management is another aspect that is a part of the deal.. when you micro manage and don't trust, you will have people (even the most loyal ones) resenting you all the time.

These are just a few things that I have learnt, and I hope that whenever, I have a set of juniors I am able to take the good and leave the rest.

The "Secret" Adult Society

When I was a kid, often while my parents and their friends were sitting together for a dinner, or just gossiping around, they would usually shoo the kids away (okay, we as kids were also not really interested to listen to their talks). But, once I was a little older, they would still shoo me away.

And, I wondered why. Then, from the teenage, I entered the twenties, and I was allowed to vote, hell, I was allowed to have wine, but often, still shooed away when the parents sat down to chit chat. Wasn't I a grown up still??

And then I got married.

And wham bham, that was the automatic membership to the "Secret" Adult Society. It was almost like, I had grown up instantaneously.
The knowledge that marriage meant consensual sex, and so and so forth makes people more comfortable around the "grown up kids".

You all are raising an eye brow? I notice all kinds of patterns, and this secret society pattern is something that has strakly come in to view.

For one, my elder cousin (sister), doesn't think twice about talking to me about her bedroom life with her husband, and how things change when you have kids. I have always been close to her, but she would never expressely talk about the fact that how she slept off in the moment....!!!

And the sexually charged up jokes by the women, in general make uncomfortable in a conversation an understatement. It is like, no conversation is complete without a sexual innuendo. And from the talks of these ladies, it seems that sex becomes a rarity post the kids!

Then there are conversations around retirements and savings, and the same parents that usually shield you from the realities of life don't shield you anymore, and the guilt that is often not a part of the growing up, becomes a part of your being in its entirety.

The decision making process becomes lenthy. Like really complicated. Earlier, if there was a party, you would ask your parents, who would often play football between themselves and then say no (my parents mostly said no). Now that you have a party to attend to, you have to think of the following:

1. Is it on a weekend?
2. Check with your spouse, if there is any plan.
3. Check your bank balance, if it is a dutch party.
4. Buy a gift if you are not the host.
5. Clothes. None that fit you any more. Therefore, buy or improvise.
6. Car. Would you forego the drinking or your spouse?
7. Is there any other plan, the next day!
Shit! You would have to for go sleep to have a happening weekend.

And this was a simple party that we are talking aboutr. Imagine making a decision, if it is shifting of a house, a city, changing jobs or wanting to study.

Then there is the food. Remember the good ol days when you made a face at the brocoli.. times my dear friend has changed and the karma of the brocoli follows you as an adult!!

When they talk about being a grown up, they don't tell you, how complicated is it, to call up a friend and to believe when they say that they are okay, when in your heart your instincts tell you otherwise. Of the fake smiles and heart breaking decisions.
And all you think is, when will this end???

Festivities, Change and a Crazy lady!

There is this urge to write.
A certain franctic feeling, about recording every thought that runs through my mind. But, then when I open this page often, I am blank.

I want to type, and then I am just too lazy.

The Gods it seem take the sadist pleasure to dump me with way too many things to think about, to act upon and then expect me to not to freak out (or like the husbad says- "become a crazy lady").

Yes, things are in a tizzy!

The year it seems is getting set to close on high note, one way or the other.

Here is to festivities, and change!

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 

Malaise

dissatisfaction/dɪssatɪsˈfakʃn/
noun
lack of satisfaction.
"widespread public dissatisfaction with incumbent politicians"
synonyms: discontent, discontentment, disappointment, disaffection, disquiet, unhappiness, malaise, disgruntlement, frustration, vexation, annoyance, irritation, anger, exasperation, resentment;

Dissatisfaction stems from failure. It stems from a feeling of emptiness that engulfs you when you are unable to talk about what you feel, and when you are unable to deal with your life crisis in a dignified manner. It stems from the fear of failure. It starts at the level of gnawing. When you see someone get that job you hoped that you would get; when you see your own classmate (from school or college) doing so very well for itself and you start to evaluate your own performance against them. 

It starts as jealousy (which is lousy) and then slowly like a disease it spreads. At a first stage treatment, you are mostly in denial mode. You are like, so what, you need to see the bright side of things. And for a while you even do. And then, you see, someone, who was behind you in class in all the ways possible, and *boom* that hits you hard. Your self esteem (especially all the hard work through college, falls flat; what happened to hard work in college reap benefits etc?) goes for a toss. But you are still hopeful (after all, what is life w/out any hope?). But, then, instead of walking forth, life hands you a bunch of cards that you can't bluff with nor can you gamble with. 

And then you are stuck. Or you appear to be stuck. This is the second stage of the disease. 

It is when you are stuck in the second stage, you stop rationalising. You stop wondering, and you forget that each one is fighting some battle or the other. 

This is the stage when you actually sit and analyse each decision that you have made in life and wonder, where is it that you have gone wrong??? What is it that you did not do? Appease the right Gods or the right people. 

And, this, my dear friends leads us to the third and the final stage of this disease, where, you have analysed all the decisions of your life and have wondered and imagined all the possible "what if" scenarios and really can't find where did you go wrong. This is the stage when you become uncertain of all the decisions (major or minor) that are to be taken by you. The virus of malaise like a weed sucks out all your confidence and happiness. You are only kept wondering, why is the other person happier than you? That, why is your life stuck, and that, whether to wake up next morning to go to work is as much of a hard work or as easy as it gets. You can't appreciate all the good around you. hell you can't even be happy for the person that you love. The other symptoms include feeling low all the time; self pity; procrastination; low (lowest) self esteem and confidence and more severe cases nothing (and when I say noting, it means NOTHING x infinity) can ever make you happy. Crying becomes a part of your routine (even when on the face of it, you look like you are not crying in the heart, you are howling in pain and emptiness) and you question everything, including the destiny that is often talked about in the self help books.. you are direction-less and mostly angry or zombie like.

They are very few people, okay there may be a lot of people who are satisfied with their lives and maybe a tiny bit dissatisfied with some parts of it. But, if one of the major parts of your own self, of your own being is dissatisfied with something that is akin to your identity, then it becomes really difficult to appreciate the good things and be happy for the people in your life. 

The disease of Malaise is a very very severe problem, to be dealt with extreme love, care and patience. You have been forewarned!

Out (Perform)

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. - Iyanla Vanzant"


The above lines appeared with the picture below it on a page that a frequent on Facebook called "berlin-artparasites". The lines that they often quote, sometimes with a known author, sometimes with unknown authors. These lines, most often than not resonate with the feelings that most of the world is feeling at that point time (going by the thousands/ lakhs of likes and comments).

This one in particular, left me thinking. And thinking. I have been thinking about these lines for almost a week and every time I have read them, I want to break down and cry. I want to curl up into this ball on a hard cold floor and cry myself out of the misery that I feel for the life that I have created.
[Now, before you all start dreading about my relationship with the Husband let me clear the air to tell you that it is not about the "personal" problems, but professional ones]


So, if everything is a reflection of what I believe about myself then in that case, I am doomed (or not). I think very highly of myself as a lawyer. I believe that I am good. (I mean, I do give freelance advisory and all), but then there are instances that make me self doubt my abilities. The doubt being of a kind that spirals out of control and makes me lose  my mind over every aspect of my life. My faith in myself so far as my career goes has gone down the drain. There is nothing to show but bad decisions made at desperate times leading to one disaster over other. It is these disasters that leave me with a hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach about the belief that I have about being a lawyer.

I try to be careful. Cautious. But, my ability to take really bad decisions over takes my ability of taking informed decisions. Just too many things, too many equations and boom, I land in trouble again.
It is not a hidden fact that I abhor my current retainer position. I cry silently even in office, it is that bad. I hate the fact that the miracles that happen, the sudden good things the one opportunity to change my life is just not coming along. I can't fathom, as to is this just pure bad luck for me? Because I know that I am a hard- working girl. But, it is just not happening.

Today the "lawyers" in the office have got their incentives, but, that doesn't happen for me. Because I have been told not to count myself as a lawyer (and to imagine that I changed from an in-house position to be more of a lawyer). I am trying to see the "good" in the "worse" kind of situation but, I am losing it. The only reason I am holding on to my sanity is because of the constant support of my dear Husband.
You know how people just know that they are on the right track and then things just fall in place for them.. my things are not falling into place at all. I haven't had a happy coincidence in ages and I am hating that.
How do I out-perform my own self? My self doubts and above all my habit of making bad decisions, because, I am unable to draw my worth to my at all.. how do I go past that??

For Friends!

It is not often that I have a carefree holiday. (Yes, you can re-read it!)

I have panic attacks as soon as it is time for the holidays to get over. This time, this weekend, it was different. There was eclectic music, two mad guys and one even more mad girl and a lot of conversation. There was alcohol, and a sense of ease.
The conversation for one was easy flowing, we talked about music and madness. We talked through things that we usually won't talk through, we walked half way up some caves (Karla) and decided that it was too much, and instead landed at Matheran to have "Lunch", travel by horse (We all are still sore on our bummies) and then a sumptuous lunch later decided to walk down towards our car!
And, oh the amount of alcohol that we consumed was well, I believe not enough. We could have had more.

But mostly, I remember when we were driving back towards Mumbai, via Matheran through the old highway and the winding roads with the greenery, where in the background there was some english music and the bantering of two old friends, and I was for once at peace. Knowing that the Husband knows how I feel. Seeing that he is capable of yapping (not that I have not seen him do that, but not seen him do that with a guy friend per se) away to glory and to top it all, the feeling of finding a new well wisher who I truly know that wishes the best for both the Husband and me. It is humbling to know and have such friends.
And I am grateful to the Husband for choosing wisely. I am thanking my stars and a little bit of who I am that made me approach our friend Mr. Loon (yeah, I am gonna call him that)( I have been rechristened as Penguin.. so Yeah!) and to be able to pull this weekend off. I am really excited to plan another holiday with Mr. Loon and the Husband (It is also nice to boss two guys!! :P).

And Monday, I met a fellow blogger but now mostly one of my closest friends Kashvi. And oh boy, it was fun, randomly going around Mumbai, hopefully not torturing her with a lot of market(ing) thingy!! It was just great to catch up.  Kashvi and I go back to the initial blogging days (about good 6-7 years back) and oh boy, I have seen this girl change (in a good way), I see a confident girl (with her drama intact), I see traits in her that make me proud of her. It takes strength to just live the life that we are living and it takes another level of conviction to take it head on, to be able to take decisions and to be proud of them. I am super proud of you darling and world is your oyster.. Go for it!!

There is nothing in this world that makes me happier to know that I have friends who don't judge. Who talk. Without inhibition, and with a lot of love. It is on days like these that I count my blessings and hope and pray that there are more days when happiness is inhibited and pure!

The Chipped Nail Paint

It was this particular thing about the nail paint on my finger nails that used to irritate me the most. All through college and till about 5 months back I used to avoid putting nail paint on my finger nails. It was a pain to paint them, and then, more of a pain to see them chipped (It makes one look shabby), and then to take it off and to re-apply as necessary.

This newest fad of mine, makes me think of how far have I come from being who I was. This of course is not the only thing that has made me think that I have "changed".

I feel, that I am no more that person who was happy, dappy and had a carefree attitude to the world. This of course being a down side of always being at home and always being under the shadow. This care free attitude being one of the downside. The other being that you were always under the scanner. Always in the bracket of the "Girl who (does/ does not) disappoint". Trust me when I say that, I always wanted to tick the does not disappoint box. And it is a hard task at that. Because, that obviously means putting what the other person wants before what you want. And, there are enough posts with those recollections.
But.
Now.
I.
AM.
STUCK.

I can't make a single decision without putting too many variables at play. It is like: "I think, the best solution to rid ourselves of the packing boxes in the house are to invest in a  couple of cane storage solutions".
Variable "Expenses: How much will it cost. (Of course, I won't know till I go and ask); But then I assume that even if it is 500 Rs a Piece.. Is it worth the fucking investment."

Variable: "How will I get it? Will I be able to pull it off? What if no one likes it?"
And therefore, that can storage space solution has not happened till now. And, NOW that we are almost at September, and the lease gets over in February. Couple of months. Chuck it.

Problem: "Husband's health"
"I promise myself each day that I will not hound him about his sugar issues. I will do what is in my hands. Therefore, I put the medicines out for him each night for the following day, and hope to God that he does not forget to take them"
There are so many what if's scenarios that keep playing in my head so far as Husband's sugar issues are concerned that it is maddening to even think to think about those issues. I am turning a deliberate blind with super heavy heart.

Problem "Career"
Mine. Obviously. Husband's finally on track. I needn't reiterate on the problems that I am facing in my current situation. But, I have been recently told that "I should not compare myself with the lawyers in the firm and that I am good in Business Development and should concentrate on that" That particular statement has shook me to my core. As a matter of fact, it has broken me worse than what I-AMC did.
Variables here at play are "Money. Location. Learning Curve and Career Growth". And "Husband's job. Family" and Finally NOT fucking up this time round. I am so tired of making wrong decisions that I can't believe myself at all.

Problem "Who am I?"
Husband is to blame for this. I never tasted wanderlust, till I got married and now, I just can't get over it. I want a stable house. A place that I can come home to at the end of the day/ end of a trip.. But I wanna be able to travel. To taste some adventure, here and there and to be able to tell it all. But not worry about the dwindling bank account either.
Identity crisis galore.

Problem "Health"
I need to loose weight. There is no "do-raha" to that. How do I do it.. that is another question altogether.

"Procrastination"
I am myself wondering how did I get this post up at all.

It is like, I wanna just rewind things. And, make some correct assessments.  But since this is life and not a media player, I need to come up with a plan to revamp my life without unbalancing the equation.
How. Dunno! 

Khel Kismat Ka

There is a very popular saying in Hindi:

"Samay se pehle, aur
Kismet se zyaada kissi ko nahin milta" 

And while I am trying to be positive about things in life after the incident yesterday, I would really like some divine intervention. So a colleague got confirmed at the number 1 law firm in the country. And the entire process of how he got it is nothing more than divine intervention. So some random senior to whom he had cribbed about in his position in his previous job recommended his name and then he got a call from there and he was hired. Just like that. In three days. 

Me on the other hand have been trying to break into the whole top tier law firm scene from like 5 years now and NOTHING seems to work. No calls out of the blue, despite the networks and me being so good at keeping in touch. 

No nothing. 

Not even a single interview call forget a fucking job offer. 

It's like this is not in my destiny. I mean- as of now I just don't know what my career destiny is. I am trying not to panics and I am trying to be patient and positive. 

I however- can't see any signs. I can't see anything right now. But, I know that I am trying like hell. 

There is after all another saying in Hindi: 

"Kehte hain kismet haathon Ki lakeeron mein hoti hai; 

Par kismet toh unki bhi hoti hai jinke haath nahin hote." 

Where is the light at the end of the Tunnel?

The silver lining on the dark clouds?

There seems to be no end to my career woes.

I have become nothing more than a glorified secretary to the partner in the Law Firm that I am working in. I am doing nothing. NOTHING legal.
I am following up with Clients, doing BD. Taking care of the administration and wondering each day as to what the hell have I gotten myself into.

I have just been made to realise that I can't fucking draft a legal notice, let alone take care of any legal work. I am at the MOST LOW ever in my life and I am fighting the urge to go and shout at the bosses saying that, THIS IS IT. I don't think that I can do this any more.

I don't care whether the dam peon can serve tea or not, or the driver is there to take you to place that is 50 mtrs away from the office.
I don't care if the office is being cleaned on Sunday and who is cleaning it. And NO, I do not want to identify anyone who will take care of the general house keeping of the office.

This is NOT ME.

I am working two jobs (yes, I am also doing free lance work,so that I can substantiate the income that we are earning), but still a trip to home on my Birthday is a BIG NO from the Husband.

I am feeling suffocated. I feel like this is a vicious circle that seems never ending. I can't seem to breathe.
And one of these I'll drown in my own miseries without the world even knowing, because to the world I will have a mask.

FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

To the Moon and Back!!

No, I am not going for a trip to the Moon.
I am of course tripping today.. Because it is the Husband's Birthday!

And not just any Birthday.. has officially entered the big 30 club. (Though I have no idea, why the hell is it called a club in the first place!)

So, yeah, since my man has turned thirty, and since, I believe in a lot of DIY (from god knows when!), I actually did a lot of projects!
From a video movie (Husband called me the "I Movie Ninja") which was messages from a lot of people (the family and friends) and a clock that I customised (by painting it and putting graphics on it) and I also customised a coin box for him!
There is a string of photographs lining the wall of my room, showing the moments of his life and people who have been a part of his life.

And, the thing that he loved the best was the "Jar of Memories", which was basically a mason jar containing messages from some people and loads of memories from his past. Trigger words, that would cause him to smile and think back to the good old times.

I have never been more satisfied with the gifts that I have done for the Husband.

So, my dear dear husband, here is to,  a new decade, to a new milestone, to success, happiness, love, laughter, wanderlust and US!!
Happy Birthday!!! 

Throw Back Thursday (#TBT)

For some very weird reason, Thursday's have been christened as #TBT .. meaning throw back Thursday.. meaning it is the day on which you browse through memories and then put a post about, how time has flown!

I do not need a particular day to become nostalgic about the time gone by. I on the contrary, hardly seem to be wanting to go back into the time gone by.. mostly the good times.

In all those good times and fond memories, I think the best times were spent writing blog posts, and then having discussions on those blog posts. I had started writing in 2005 to impress the husband (then the boyfriend). I could not ( or so I believed ) write. I could not articulate my words to forth the feelings. I am not a very good writer and I am grammatically wrong so many times; and I make numerous errors (spellings etc) but this space has become akin to my sacred space of being me. In 2007, when I grudgingly moved from Yahoo (I think) to Blogger, I was totally terrified. This was a much bigger platform, and I used to write to impress.
But, then, something just kept me pushing. Then slowly, I don't know when and I absolutely don't know how, comments started trickling in and as an unsaid rule of the blog world, I started visiting other blogs, and the THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!
I made friends through the blog-o-sphere!
I was a part of the lives of people, who were experiencing things similar- dissimilar- something .. they were experiencing true raw human emotions and they were writing about it, and making me a part of it.

But then somewhere along the lines, sabbaticals, bad elements and the usual busy life styles just put a stop to the whole thing. I was writing sporadically, reading rarely, and not commenting at all. But somehow through the on and off relationship with the blog, I also found a dear friend in Kashvi, who, has been my friend. We haven't talked in a while.. but I know that she loves me and her comment about me being back said it all.
And then, there is Uncle Jack, with his life experiences, who keeps in touch by phone :) He even made it to my marriage and did a whole post on it!
There is Su and Vagabound, who are on FB and I keep getting their life updates from there, but, I found them here.
And there is Bikram, who is still quite regular on my blog!!

But today, what made my day was RoopScoop! [I can't still get over that Pari is 4 years old!!] Roop and I have never exchanged e-mails, and all I did was follow her blog - Regularly. I love her writing (I especially loved a piece that she had written about how she went into labour pains and the events thereafter!) . She has come back after a huge sabbatical, and she leaves a usual message about how she has started afresh at a new page, and I go there and put a comment welcoming her back.. and her reply left a lump in my throat. She wrote that she left that message of moving her blog keeping me in mind.. and that.. just made my day.

It took me back in time. Took me back 8 years and 600 posts back, reminding me that all those memories that I have made.. have not gone in waste.. and that there are truly such amazing people still here.. to hold on to!
Thank you..

And Roop.. WELCOME BACK!!! 

Lessons in Self Doubt

When you are unwell and in bed the whole day, the most productive thing that you can do is either sleep or watch TV.
The curse of our generation is that we also have facebook/ twitter/ youtube and access to unlimited sources of entertainment. And, therefore, I ended up watching an ENTIRE season of a show called "The Newsroom". And well, when you watch these shows, they affect you in a way that.. okay maybe not you but they definitely have some sort of an effect on me.
I pine to be able to be the hero in my own story. A success story.
A story where you just hit the right notes at the right time. Meet a right person, say the right things and then land up in a place that actually reveals to you, your own true character and helps you create a path that you may not have chosen for yourself, but your destiny did help you find it.

Reality on the other hand is a different deal altogether. There is nothing like a dream job. Each one has some flaws in it. There are jobs that question your moral character, then there are jobs that question your financial stability and then there are jobs that question your familial stability. Hell, I am almost 29 and I do NOT have a job, that satisfy my moral compass, nor is it satisfying my financial compass, and while these two are unsatisfactory in nature, by  the laws of whatever the fuck it is that you want to call it; I am simply not heading a happy household either.

I am easy to push around, hell, yeah, my maid pushes me around like hell! I get lectured by her as to why I should and should not pay my other maid. There, all the respect is out of the window. I also get pushed around a lot by others. I get angry at things that I feel are wrong, or simple things like, why should I keep taking the first steps towards the relationship maintenance amongst relatives.. the only answer I get is, that someone has to.
There are things that I am getting to know now, there are truths.. okay more like family stories that I feel I should not have been told. Things are changing after marriage, and I am unable to grasp at things. I am ill equipped to make informed decisions or any other decisions for that matter, and all that I end up doing is putting up a thing before the review committee .. my Husband mostly.

I don't know, from where do people find their own depths, to questions their decisions and to evaluate their consequences and above all to take that first step to change it all. Hell, I don't even know where my life is heading. If at all it is heading somewhere, and I am feeling stuck. There is no new adventure that awaits me each morning .. yeah unless you count catching a bus at 7.30 am 6 days a week or the local train for that matter. I don't feel motivated to wake up next day, all charged up to go do a days worth of work and at the end of the day feel satisfied.

I don't feel that confidence and that strength to take on to my own little world, forget the world at large. I don't know, where to start from. From where to grasp those threads.
I am earnestly looking, for that one opportunity, that will change my life. A positive event, that gives me a chance at my little life, with my Husband. 

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!

This is Marriage.. for you!

After a slew of depressing posts about, how things are after the Shaadi, and how dreams are being bartered, and all of that, I thought, why not write a post reinstating the faith in a relationship called marriage. After all one has to find that glass with water which is half full and all that..

The inspiration for this post came from Su's Tumbling Thoughts to World (it is almost like old times) and so here it goes:

The Husband and I have been married for a little around 2.5 years; and we have been together for more than a decade. But the deal is, being together and dating is a completely different ball game than being married. And, believe me when I tell you that, people change after marriage.

And, I have figured why does this happen, or so I hope (I am just trying to be helpful here).. So once you get married.. the Shit becomes real.

All of a sudden, you become adults and you have to take the decisions that matter and that impact your life. You can't just pick up a pair of shoes at random (unless of course you are uber rich), or for that matter any indulgence just start looking like that: An indulgence.
You are constantly thinking either food or money.
And, if you are not thinking about those two things then you are definitely thinking about the house hold help (trust me, even if you are uber rich, you can't escape this one!!).

All of your decisions have a tangible result, which will either be before you in a short period of time or which will eventually impact you.
So, now think about this:
When you know, and understand and learn with experience that all your actions will have some kind of tangible repercussions, you  grow up.

And, when you grow up, you change.
You start hanging out with a different set of friends, you would probably thinking healthy over binge, and yes, your career choices also get affected.
And trust me, when you are staying with your in laws, then there is a different lifestyle issue that you have to face!
Like it took me a little over 2 years to actually start wearing a swim suit around my FIL. (Yeah that sound weird, but, if I have to go swimming, then I have to wear a swimsuit.. right?? So, not like, I am wearing a bikini and roaming around the house sorts!!). It was quite difficult on family holidays, because Husband would insist and I would always reject his idea.. (and I am all for women power).

You make a hell lot of adjustments .. but at the end of the day, when you crawl into the bed with the one person, your spouse, you realise that it is worth it.
When you hug your spouse, and make love, and you know, that despite the fights, the tantrums and all that jazz, the next morning, that one person is always going to be there for you, despite your ownself, that is the kind of security, a good marriage gives you.

Like Su says, just look for that right thing in your better half (or your worst half) and you are set for life. Like, I know, that despite everything, in the middle of the night, if I wake up, I am on one tiny little corner flanked by the person I love the most, making sure that I don't fall.

This is marriage for you!

Busy Bee

The Husband has been just too busy.

It has been like that for, I don't know how long now. I mean there are days when he will call me at 6 pm and tell me that he is on hi way home, but mostly those are the days, when he is having a back ache or when he has some launch ceremony he knows that he has to watch and being in office will interfere with his watching of the event. 

The irony of the entire thing is that he is super happy being busy; and that sort of leaves me out in the whole deal. 

I do remember the glass of wine that we had together (it was last night only!), but then I was busy getting things ready for the office next day, and Husband was on his phone/ laptop/ or was that the Ipad.. (see, I did not even notice); and the only thing that we ended up talking about was who would be eliminated in the Master Chef Australia episode. 

Where is the time to talk? 

I sort of devised a plan and I usually write e-mails to the Husband during the day or probably talk to him trough messages.. but that is not really an alternative, because he is so so busy in office, it is often hours and hours before he replies to either a mail or a message. And by that time, the whole purpose of that mail or the message is gone. 

I don't remember the last time we talked talked, because mostly when we talk talk, then it erupts into a fight. It seems that we are mostly fighting. 

Maybe that is the reasons why we are avoiding the talking talking!

A little TLC goes a long long way in a relationship and I miss being the centre of his attention.. it is so divided that it is not even funny!  

Edited to add: I opened FB only to find that his cover photo been changed into a picture taken at his office with his office mates. Giving him the benefit is the fact that he is actually looking really nice and happy in the picture!

The Good Wife

I had been contemplating a post with this title for a long long time, and finally, something pushed me to start writing this.
Procrastination is my second nature, the first being lazy/sleepy!
There is a to-do list that is always running through my mind, and trust me when I say that I have more excuses then ever to convince myself that I can postpone all the tasks to some other days.

Let us be honest here (this probably is the only platform, where I don't have to pretend!); I am not HAPPY. And, no it has nothing to do with the Husband; and EVERYTHING to do with me.

There are 10 thousand things that I want to accomplish in a day, but then I end up doing NOTHING. Yes, practically nothing.
Forget, the things that are high-aimed for; but simple tasks like:
- Unpacking the boxes in the new house;
- having a neat and tidy room;
- just setting the house in general;
- deciding what to eat (yes, that is also a task);
- I "would" love to cook for the Husband, and I have a million ideas to do that, but NEVER have I executed those;
- Taking Sugar out for a walk is also such a task, most of the time I do not have the energy, and more than most of the time I do not have the inclination to take her down.

I am always out of energy, always being lazy and always, always am constantly thinking about things that are going wrong and never ever put forth a solution that makes any sense.

I do not know or understand if I have completely lost the ability to rationalise? Or for that matter, I never had the ability to do so in the first place.

I am so single dimensional, that no wonder the Husband is amazed at the way that I take decisions. I start a thing, an initiative, and then don't see it through.

The lack of commitment and passion in me, amazes myself as well.

In the last 2.5 years that I have been in Mumbai, I am currently on my 3rd job; there is an amazing lack of stability in my professional life as well. Again, sane decisions are not being made. There are just more and more rash, and no so thought through decisions that are being made.
I want to be able to get up each morning with hope and happiness, to look forward to a day well spent, to be able to actually have time in hand to have breakfast on the table with the Husband, to be able to get dressed properly, or for that matter, just able to put in some exercise in my schedule (I am just getting fatter by the day); I want to be able to apply my mind to things and situations, to do my work with passion and have fun doing it [somehow post the stint with PC, I have not been able to get that satisfaction].
My therapist has told me that there are no guarantees in life that I should have an open mind, and despite that kind of thing, it seems that, I am unable to come to terms with the "jobs"; that I have been doing.
Am I not listening to my instincts?! I DO NOT know. But I am definitely running away from things.. I ran away from the I Job because of the "fuck all boss" [which is a proven fact; none of the people reporting to him are happy; and post my leaving the job, I have been categorically told that I was being targeted (and of course money was a BIG concern)] but then, I did have a lot of fun working for various departments.
I am feeling stuck and stuffed again.
I am keeping a strong exterior, keeping a smile on my face, while I do the menial jobs of administrating the damn law firm, a task that I "thought", that I would be able to do it along with the legal work. Not something that I am proud of.

I don't even know who I am any more. The identity crisis continues as I juggle being a "Good Wife"; which I know for sure that I am not.
I am so fucking (yeah, I have come down to abuses now) tired of all the struggle, to find that balance, to find that happiness [Trust me when I saw that the best best thing in the world at the end of the day is the Husband Hug with a jealous do trying to intervene], to find that passion for my dreams, to know and understand all over again that the world is my oyster; and I have just begun.

But, I just can't keep on re-assuring myself over and over and over again on a superficial front when deep down under I can just see myself failing over and over again. I am constantly cranky, worried, and absolutely lost.

While I live life; I am not sure that I am being me.  

Time- Hop Hop Hop

There are things that I want to write. 

I start composing a post in my head, and by the time I sit down, tackle the laziness, and open my blog page to finally write, I would have forgotten the issue that I wanted to write about. 

I have also forgotten the thrill that blogging use to bring to me, the friends that would comment and the long long discussions that have happened on this blog. 

Things have changed, people have changed and in the last three odd years, I too have changed. Whenever, I go see the memories on Facebook (yeah, you have that feature on facebook) or for that matter on Timehop (yeah, there is an app too for that!!), I wistfully smile, thinking about the past. The good times, the frustrations, and the future that I had imagined for myself. 

Is it the same? 

When I sit back and think about that, I believe that each of our actions mould the future that we will have. You can't really overthink about how things ought to happen. 

Because, when life happens, all your plans fall apart. 

You need some real magic to be able to stay on the track that you have in your mind imagined. And, twist of fate, like they call, is always a challenge to conquer. 

I can timehop into the past thanks to all the memories, but can't hop into the future, because each day is different than what you have imagined. Now and always! 

Tell Me your Dreams?

Dreams change.

From when you are young, to when you get older. 

I won't say wiser, because it is not that dreamers are not wise, it is just that, the dreamers don't care; about broken dreams of the past.

I remember that from a very very young age, I wanted to just get married [Yes, I am obsessed with marriage!!]. I used to often in my dream world and my fantasy land, dress up like a bride/ princess, with all the jing bang, and then wait for my prince charming. [Yes, the disney books and the indian alif lailas are also to be blamed for the way I behaved]. 

Then, as a teenager, I think my dream was only to have that proud moment with my Mom. [I was still obsessed with marriages but not of my own!] I was able to actually achieve that when my Xth standard board exams results came. 

And then during high school, my only only dream was to maybe have a bf, get my mom to agree to wax my arms and legs, to be able to wear nice sexy clothes (like all the fashionistas wore in my school); but most importantly, to have "that" set of friends, who would be there for life and to fit in. Typical high school misfit wishlist! [Now looking back, I should have just concentrated on my studies!]

College on the other hand was a major surprise. I fit right in. 

Oh, strike that off, I was the "Queen" in college. The topper, the charmer, I had an amazing boyfriend, and I was the most famous girl in college. BUT. 

[Yes there is always the but! And I am no saint!!]

But, I did not have the right internships, and even if I had the right internships, I did not have the right ideas to approach the firms for a pre placement offer; and at that point in time, that was my biggest dream. My Career. 

Things changed over the years, 5 years of law school later, while I was dreaming of getting a nice cushy corporate job, I had to get into litigation (that was the only thing that was available) and 8 months later, when there was a merger of sorts, and finally I was in the "Law Firm League". I have had the best time of my life while working that law firm.
I had the best boss, an exposure to the work that I really liked and most of all, the friends that I made. There were obviously some things that were not perfect, but then, it was a time, when I was content with the work that I was doing.
I practically had the whole career path and the life path chalked out.
And then I got married.

The marriage was probably the best thing that has happened to me, because, now, I have changed my dreams. I want to be able to make my family, and put time in to it, but at the same time due the constraints of living in a world where money is a bane and a boon, there are compromises that have to be made, and those are being made.
While I try to look for a work life balance, it is sad that the work bit of it is not working out.. the career dream is going nowhere and that is making me frustrated.

The illusions of life, often leave you wondering what are the dreams, and when will we ever get to fulfil them.. If we will ever get to fulfil them! 

Instructions to the Husband!

So this is what I want you to do,

Today when you come home,

Look in my eyes,

Deeply, to see my soul, my heart,

That craves for you;

Lean in to me,

Taste my lips, savour them,

A taste that you love,

Igniting a thousand throes,

Of passion in you, and,

In me;

Push me back, away from,

Your face, look at me,

Again,

Tracing your fingers,

On my face, committing to memory,

The face that you loved,

Love still;

With your thumb,

Rub off the black kohl,

The red lipstick,

Colour my face with your,

Passion;

Open my mane,

Freeing it from the bounds,

Of the hair tie, that holds them

Back,

Let them tumble down;

Now, peel off that dress,

Slowly,

Soaking in my skin, my limbs,

Not as beautiful as before,

But still yours,

Now and Forever;

And finally, love me,

Hold me, make us feel,

Like one,

Like the fire works,

In the night sky!

Oh baby,

Make me yours, own me,

All over again!!

Bombay 3.0

And it begins again!

The third year in the city of dreams was realised with some drama and a Party. We had just returned from a super awesome trip to Lakshadweep and Chirstmas and New Year were brought in with the retirement of the FIL. It was a chocobloc calendar of house guests and exhausting office politics. A deadly mix of in-laws from Calcutta, my dog and my parents! (One can only imagine the lengths that we had gone into to ensure that my baby doggie and my mom aren’t face to face! Dad met her and was pretty overwhelmed with her jumping capabilities!)

So in total Punjabi style, the Retirement Party preparations began. There was obviously a dance performance that was to happen, and with the Husband’s cousins and my own baby sister we prepared two songs in like less than 72 hours. There was a lot of food that was being cooked in the house, and I had no idea what was happening when and how! Eventually, on the day of Party after getting all the girls ready, I managed to get ready and be there on time (quite a feat for me!).

There were a lot of emotional speeches, and there was one “super drunk husband” speech, which I think is going to become a legendary running joke in the family. Oh, and in case you all were wondering, there was alcohol and a DJ at the party and you can conclude that the party was more Punjabi than Bengali!

Once the Party was over, all gifts opened and the guests seen off, the reality of what had happened came down to hit us hard. We had less than 2 months to hunt for a house, to move in and get settled. All the while struggling with the major set back on the career front.

The ex-I- Office had become a hell hole with the looming cloud of negativity. While, I had a set of my girls and some really great friends at office in general, the bosses were being bitches and honestly speaking all we could talk about the whole day was “how shitty was shetty today”. Of course, in all true honesty, Shetty did not like me, and that meant a fuck all appraisal with no real salary increment and the negative attitudes, it was but obvious that I shall be looking to change. And change I did, to a law firm called TLP.

All the law firms are in Nariman Point. And hence I am now in Nariman Point. We have moved houses towards the northern suburbs, and that means I am travelling three hours each day to and from work.

Really, what did I expect out of the third year in this city?

Considering that it is the city where dreams come true, I can with utmost confidence say that so far as the career related dreams go, I have been cheated. Thrice, now.

Okay, I am in the teetrhing period of the new job, but then, it seems that, instead opf growing, I am getting more confused with my career choices. My shrink had told me that there are no guarantees in this world, especially in the job world, and now with renewed hope that eventually dreams will be realised, I get up at 6 am and trudge to work!

So, the third year starts.

Celeberating being a Woman?

Disclaimer:

The thoughts below are that of the author and are not intended to defame anyone. This post has been written as a reaction to the current events, and being a woman, the author is angry and pained. If you are a sensitive reader, discretion is advised.

***********************************************************************************

As we come closer to this weekend, we are once more made to realize that we (read as women), are an important part of the society. We are beautiful. We are talented. We bear children. We are affectionate. We laugh. We take care of the family. We empathize.

Ironically, we are also raped, made victims of acid attacks, domestic abuse and unnecessary fatwas (from all regions/ religions/ casts and creeds) for being all of the above.

Congratulations, it is the International Women’s Day. And, you will be celebrated, for one whole day by the world, thanking you for all that you have and then, everything will become the same. Actually, it is the day to celebrate because of the corporate events, and because of the glorification of the values of the “west” (or so it is said), otherwise, for any other Indian woman, it is just another day.

It is just another day of rape, abuse and more fatwas.

An international director producer, decided, that in honour of the rape victims, and in honour of every woman who deserves her right on the body, and her freedom to express herself, by being herself,  she would make and release a documentary, where she has interviewed the rapists and has exposed what goes through their perverted minds as they force themselves upon helpless, sometime brave (like Nirbhaya) women.

And, the one man, who has shown no remorse is the rapist, Mukesh Singh, who while facing a death row (which unfortunately is in appeal) . He continues to blame that 23 year old girl, who was returning from a movie with a friend (who was a male). The Juvenile, a 17 year old so called “boy”, along with the six others decided that it is their “moral” duty to teach that girl who is out with a boy at 9 pm a lesson. So, they rape her. They maul her. And he says- That they raped her because they wanted to teach her a lesson, and they mauled her because she resisted and fought back.

And now that we know what he thinks, our own parliamentarians cannot face it. The cowards that they are, shielding themselves by providing reasons like “chowmien for rapes”, have banned this documentary from airing. I wonder, what scares them?

Is it the fact, that finally, a part of the masses will know the truth. That finally, we know what they think. And not just them, but what the male mentality is. Yes, I am generalizing. But, I can’t help it. There are people (yes, including the men; including Nirbhaya’s friend who tried hard to protect her, but is left with scars of that night, for the rest of his life), who stand up. But, then there are others, the ones who are downtrodden, for whom women abuse is a way of life (for both the victim and the abuser), they need to know. They need to be mobilized. But their own leaders, the very people, who should tell them the truth, talk about “boys will be boys and they make mistakes”. They will make laws curbing the freedom to eat what you like (yeah, the beef ban) but they will not make changes to the juvenile justice act. They will ban the real thoughts, for fear of repercussions, but will not encourage enlightenment and education. Because an enlightened society would never bear a ban on food they like and eat, and would not bear a ban on knowing the deepest thoughts of the pervert who decided that being a f*C*#@g bus driver was not enough but being moral police was more important.

The saddest part of the whole “ban the rapists interview” charade is that it is being led by a group of women members of the Rajya Sabha, being led by Madam Jaya Bachchan of the party whose superemo believes in shielding these perverts.

The basic irony of our society is that a woman will always judge the other woman. And, it is a woman, who leads the way for shaming another woman. Maybe, that is why, we the women of India, can never break the shackles of the society around our ankles. Divide and rule worked for the British to rule us for 200 years.

Women, are just few far apart, endangered by other sex specie, who will write her own downfall, because she judges the girl who walks out of a bar at 12 in night with a cigarette in her hand.

Charity begins at home. Women, unite. Stop judging, start fighting. Then the change will begin.