Monday, June 13, 2016

Re-defining, from inside to outside!

In your eyes I looked, 
a future, like an adventure, 
a trail of discovery, 
with more thorns and less moss; 
but nevertheless you hold on.

Slowly the adventure turns, 
now it is a venture; 
a slow execruciating process; 
of an everyday; 
and of struggle, that defines; 
a struggle that confines. 

Of cutting corners; 
to make the ends meet; 
of loving a little less; 
and exisiting a little bit more. 

Eagerly pushing one happiness
behind the rock; 
to see the smile on your face; 
with the happiness that you hoped for. 

In our little world; 
the struggles become real; 
the adventure becomes; 
The daily becomes the norm; 
and excitement is just another word;
to put behind the rock. 

Befooling myself on my ability; 
for I still hope that being with me;
excites you more.
More than a piece of wire; 
a piece of music. 

But love is nothing but a mirage; 
life on the other hand a jarring light; 
that wakes you up and throws you down. 

and that is when you get up; 
dreams and hopes; 
and still hold on, 
for faith and belief,
are like that little plank of wood;
keeping you afloat, in a tide, 
called life. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Perennial Pain

Pain is perennial. It just hides on most of the days. But on some it just comes out and hits you hard. Right on your gut.
And leaves you moaning.

This year, on May 22nd, I was partying with a friend. We got drunk, and somewhat stoned. But were mostly sane. I must admit, that for the first time in 12 years, the date did not strike me. The tears did not wreck me. But at the back of my mind, I had a hollow feeling (could be attributable to my inebriated state). As chance would have it, while on our way back from our late night excursion, some roads were blocked, and we were forced to take internal routes, and bang, in a minute, I was on those roads, in front of those landmarks where I had spent a good part of my childhood, with Her. Where, we would walk by ourselves, holding hands, lest someone tries to take advantage of two little girls. And boom. I was numb. I could not cry shamelessly like how I do, every year, thinking about, the fateful night, and how, if only, I was a little more bossy, would things have turned out. But, my stomach was in knots, and I could not speak much. I think from thereon, I just went through the motions, like a robot. Do I feel guilty? I think, I always do. Maybe, one of the reasons why I can't ever be the same with the person, who I practically think of as my second mother. Am I the accused? Often, I go back to what transpired all those years back, and wonder, if I deserve the guilt? Whether, I could have changed anything. But it is a game of what if's that I keep on playing in my head.

Today, about 5 years back, another death, changed my life again. I know things would have been completely different had she been around. But then, I guess, life just does not make it any easier for any of us. I still don't know, how, the Husband has been dealing with this loss and in all honesty, I don't know how to make him feel better. The bitter sweet memories of the past, like the waves of pain often hit you hard. I don't have many memories with her, but the few that I have are awesome. I owe her my Husband, in all respects, and I just wish that wherever she is, she is not disappointed in me.

It is less to do with love, and more to do with pain. The binding power that is. And it is all about the memories that you keep in your heart.

I have been dealing with death and pain for the last 15 years now. And, when Dadi went, it was like an end of an era for all of us. Because, she was always there. But, we also knew that she lived her life. She saw her great grand kids (my brother's kids), and she was there, always. I spent 30 years (okay 29 years and 3 months) of my life with her. Even, in the last 4 (almost) years of being married, the one person who was the happiest to see me was her, and coming home to her, was the bestest thing ever. We celebrated her, even in her death. By eating her favourite food, and just remembering her. But, every time, I drop in to my house to say hi, I miss her.

The pain is always there. It just hits you, when you don't want it to. 

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Just Average

I was always an average student. A happy go lucky kind of a girl who wanted to be friends with everyone in school. I was/ am not very talented either. I dapple in dancing and now I can bake a cookie or two, and that is about it. 
I do have a gift of gab, but apparently, I don't make much sense when I talk and half the people think that I am making up stuff, so yeah, I don't talk much either. 

I went through a fiasco when I was out of Class 12, and it was time to pick up a career, and despite the fact that in my heart, I always knew that I wanted to be an advocate, I did one year of engineering, failed badly at that, and then, I re-started in a B class law school. I of course look back at that and wonder if I could have been firmer at my decision, maybe then not changed my school, or maybe taken up arts, and then done law from a good law school, and then maybe had a better career. Or better still, had I been a little bit more intelligent in school and studied harder, or maybe been serious at some sport or maybe even at my dancing. 
But, I have always been just average. 

So, when I passed law, and I joined Ms. MA's litigation practice, I saw that she stayed with her parents, while her german husband was in Germany, and they had a "long distance marriage"; and when the practice merged in the law firm, my boss was a single mom. And a lot of others, who were in their late twenties/ early thirties, who were dating, breaking up, and were unmarried or unhitched. I was dating the husband, and after a rough 5 odd years of being in mostly a long distance relationship, we were in the "lets get hitched in marriage" kind of phase. When this happened, I made a decision, that I would try to achieve a work-life balance, and wherever required I would want to be more of a family person versus the always in office person. 

I was doing very well before I got married. I was doing good practice and I was a part of the firm that had a positive growth story. I had a great boss, and some really really great friends in the firm. And then I moved to Mumbai. I went from being in a home, where I had my grandmom practically feeding me breakfast every morning to a house with no woman. I knew about taking care of the house, but being the only doing everything was a little too much. Not only that, I had to travel for a minimum of 3+ hours each day in mumbai locals/ public transport in dastardly weather, to go to office. The husband was in a "work from home" situation, where, he worked during the nights. We were newly married. Had moved into a new house, and for the first 20 days after I joined work, I had no maid. I used to get up at 5 a.m. and all that shit. I know how much I had cried myself to sleep, because, we had no time for each other. Not that we have any now either. Yes, I do wish, that I had pushed myself harder, and instead of 6 months, given myself a little bit more time in the Mumbai office of the firm. And then, of course, I stumbled and fell at each step, trying figure out where the hell am I going. I changed 3 jobs in 3 years of being in Mumbai. I hated myself for doing this to my career, but, I had to think about everything. Put perspective to the familial life as well as the career that I was trying to build. I remember, the very first interview that I had given after moving to Mumbai was with one of the top law firms. The only reason that I did not get a call back was because I was wearing a choora and I was a newly wed. Yes, it works against the women. 

Nevertheless, I have paid the price of being the not so driven/ passionate lawyer, I am behind by 3 years from all my contemporaries, and, it is almost like I have re- started. I am now a part of the firm which is new, and therefore, a little eased out. But, I am getting to learn a lot more than what I would have had I been in a bigger firm. I may not be overtly ambitious, but the deal with me is that, as I lawyer, I should be learning the correct things applying them for the betterment of my clients. Who wouldn't want more money. But, am I willing to sacrifice my family life for my career, I don't know. I don't know, if I would be able to always just work, and never be around the people for whom I am earning. What is the point then? So, does that make me less ambitious? Or less of a hard worker? Or less driven? I think so. 

In this whole deal of ensuring family doesn't suffer because of work, I have, I think managed to make a mess of both the things. My career and the family. I am turning 30 in about 3 months from today, and I have nothing to my credit. 
But, I have been nothing, but an average, even as a failure, just that. I don't know how to better it.