Friday, January 29, 2016

This changes everything!

I am going to be super cryptic in this post because the news around the change in circumstances is not my own. It is of my BFF, and even though I am superbly happy, I am extremely skeptic, and this news read with how things are in my current relationships is going to do either of the two things.

This is either going to open the can of worms/ remove the carpets on certain issues and we finally get a closure on things or its going to be a certain heart breaking happening in the events. Of course I hope and pray and I will work super hard for the first part to happen.

The year has just started and so much has already happened. All of a sudden, there is going to be things to look forward to, and things not to look forward to.

Lesson learnt. Always think before you ask for anything. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Demons of the Past

Just because I don't say it, acknowledge it publicly doesn't mean that these demons don't eat me.

My fathers' elder brother died at the age of 48. He died on June 26, 2003. I was just about 16. He was the best bade papa ever. My childhood was mostly spent at his house, because he had a daughter who was my age. She was 5 months younger to me, but we were inseparable, often called as twins. We had the same hair, wore the same clothes, and till we hit puberty, we had similar builts as well. Chubby.

She committed suicide almost 11 months after he died. We were expecting our 12th results at that point in time. I had given an entrance exam on that day and as a matter of fact she was to come and spend the night at our house that night. She did not turn up. She said that she had things to do. From what I have heard, every thing was normal till there was some argument and then she went into her room and hung herself from the fan. But I know that she was depressed. She was inconsolable after her father's death. I was not particularly available during that time. Studies you see.
In case you are wondering, a part of me does blame myself for not being there. For not recognizing the signs and yes even for a death.

I saw her the next morning. Lying in the hospital. In a vegetative state. On a ventilator. I had told my father that day that I was willing to give away my life if that is required to keep her just alive.
She was declared dead a day or two later.

Her birthday is on January 25 and her father's on January 26. She would have turned 29 this year. He would have been 61.

We, me, are still reconciling with the deaths of these two people, which broke us. Broke the family, broke our spirits, and changed everything. You know why?
Because, my darling bade papa just refused to take his medicines. He decided not make the minor changes that were required in order to control his diabetes. Diabetes, like it is widely known cannot be cured. You have to take your medicines, have some control on your diet and include about 30 minutes of walking. But he would not budge.

We told him. We pleaded with him. We cried. We prodded. Even got intervention. But nothing helped. he continued to stubbornly not follow the doctor's orders. And in the end, he suffered for 1.5 months in an ICU undergoing dialysis and left us all, with an empty space that hurts when I see the old pictures, remember the Birthdays, the anniversaries and them missing.

Sleep that refuses to come during those phases. The uneasiness of loss, that has happened, and the one that may happen.
It is the pain that no one will understand, because each one of us has their own memories and pain. My Bua, who his fraternal twin, would never feel whole again (that is a twin thing), my father doesn't have an elder brother to call his own... I lost my own twin, my best friend, my soul mate and the only other person apart from the husband who knew all my secrets. The husband still doesn't know me that much.

All this happened, because one person decided that the rest were all fools.

And then, there is also a phrase, that history does repeat itself, and I see the other half of my soul being ripped away because of the same effortless jaunting.

If my past haunts me, that is because the present is imitating my past. And, this time, I will break, never to recover. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

State of Affairs

The year 2016 has started off in a bad mood (to put it mildly). And, I am not even talking about my personal or professional life (just imagine).

The whole of December, 2015, was taken up by the environmentalists who have very clearly stated that the air that we breathe in Delhi is nothing short of toxic, and that something should be done about it. The reasons given by them is that; apart from the fact that there are pollutants in the air, the absence of air movement and the cold weather has trapped the pollutants at  a level that makes the air noxious to say the least.
While this profound knowledge and the red flags associated with this were being raised the weather continued to be gloomy, and we had the brilliant "Mango Government" (Aam Aadmi Party) come with a brilliant plan: "The odd- even scheme". The scheme simply states that on dates which are even the NCT will allow even numbered cars and vice- versa. The exceptions were single women/ all women cars/ hybrid cars and two wheeler vehicles.
The scheme is now at the fag end, and to be honest, while I just read a headline that almost 3000 cars have been fined in the last 12 days (that too in South Delhi alone), there has been a drastic, drastic reduction in traffic. There are lesser traffic jams, and there are a lot of people who support this scheme in an earnest, and are also petitioning to the government for extending it.
Will it be extended? I doubt.
But, what I really hope is that for their own sakes and for the sake of their progeny, the people have learnt a lesson, and actually make an effort to themselves to curb the traffic menace. One of the suggestions that is doing rounds is to make it compulsory for the MNC's to provide for shared cabs/ small buses. Makes sense. This will reduce the burden on the Metro and on the roads (what a win- win situation).

Another set of discussions and court cases that are making headlines is the ban on the women at the various temples across India. The fun part is that no one, no one is spared in this controversy. From the women (of course), to the media and even the poor lawyers who are fighting this case in the court. Everyone is (in some way or the other) being threatened for championing the rights of women (who apparently are goddesses Durga, Saraswati, Kali, Laxmi etc in the very Hindu Religion). The people continue to berate the non- understanding of the Hindu Religion by the modern human entities and how that modern human entity is influenced by the west. Though, I wonder what kind of Hindu Religion are they talking about because, Hindu- ism is not a religion at all.
Why can't we just be at peace with each other?? Accept each other for the limitations, eccentricities and for the individual person that we are. Why the need of an collective acceptance?

From the refugee crisis, to bomb blasts in the name of a God, is nothing more than a mass murder for whatever reasons that the murderer may have. Human life is a gift of God (or science) and all those who have killed in the name of that very God will hopefully pay for their sins, because Karma is definitely a bitch.

It is the times like these that make me wonder where we all are heading.   

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Why, Hello 2016!

As the Clock struck 12, we all went Happy New Year! like we do it for every New Year. Every Year. So many of us join in the revelry to celebrate the end of the year, and to welcome another year with the new hopes of achieving something great.

A new year is like a coveted start. An avenue given to each one of us to leave the old and behold the new.

While, I am still startled by the surreal events of end of 2015, the truth and practicality of 2016 shall soon strike.
There are things that I have been wanting to change, in my self, and around myself. There are things that are still unclear, there seems no path ahead. It is like the Delhi roads on winter nights, where despite the knowledge of the road, you are unsure of when to go ahead and how to go ahead.

It is with this unsteadiness that I welcome the New Year and only hope for the best, for all of you.