Monday, February 28, 2011

Ranting it out

Conflict of interest-
With everything and with every one!
I wish I could go back in time and change a few things, but since I can't do anything like that, all I can hope for is a better future. But that hope comes with a big Astrix which says conditions apply.

I wish I could spell out what I would really want to the people who matter without caring a hoot about hurting them.. but because I care, or so it seems, more like because I am scared- What I want goes down the drain!

Bloody vicious circle!

EDITED TO ADD: Orange replicated my feelings perfectly when she wrote "It's like waking up every morning and wondering if you'd survive this place today. Everything's a bloody fucking sham. Everything! "!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Off Marriages and Weddings

Yesterday, this friend of mine, more like my contemporary in the profession called me. He usually calls me when he is passing by my house, or maybe when he gets off from work early, or he has some work with me. So, he called me from this random number yesterday and the conversation that followed was this:

Me- 'Hello?'
Prats- 'Hi, Sakshi, Prats here!'
Me- 'Oye, Hi! Kiase yaad kiya?'
Prats- 'Ummm.. are you busy? Can we talk'
Me- ' it something important?'
Prats-  'Yeah'
*For some weird reason the first thought that pops in my mind is what I say; which is*
Me- 'Shhadi waadi ho rahi hai kya?*With an intent to pull his leg*'
Prats- 'Yeah'
Me- 'WTF'
(The rest was me mostly abusing him while he explained that why about a month back he and his girlfriend were super busy making their careers and all of a sudden he is getting married on 1st of March)
Yes, I shouted that it was child marriage.. but well, who cares!

With me feeling so, helpless about the fact that now even HE is getting married, boyfriend pings me on WhatsApps, and getting all emotional *which by the way is super cute* tells me, how happy he is for Dip and Sanchs.
*Dip is boyfriend's one of the best buddy from college, whose wedding he is attending in West Bengal*
And to add to the concoction of more of such news; Boyfriend informs me that another friend of his, is getting married in November.

Yes, after all this, the longing in me to get married increased. I just could not help wonder, that, this is like the nth wedding of a contemporary that I am being told about.. and as far as mine is concerned, I have no idea when will my big day be.
But don't be mistaken, I have of course imagined my perfect wedding. But, the truth is that there is nothing like a perfect or a dream wedding. The reality is the marriage after the dream of the wedding gets over. And knowing boyfriend and me, we will end up tearing each other off , from the word 'Go' of the wedding preparations. I know exactly what I want at my wedding. But then, the wedding is going to be ours, so me wanting something or the other, will be secondary.
But, then, I have also found a solution to the problem.. or so I am hoping to explain myself, who has imagined her fancy wedding.

I am trying very hard to coach myself that it is the 'Marriage' that is more important than the 'Wedding'! And I have thought, that, I will have all the functions- You see;
The 'Engagement/ Sagan' Ceremony;
then there are the 'Bachelor & Bachelorette ' parties;
the 'Mehndi & the Sangeet' *This is MY favourite out of all the wedding functions; it has to happen!!!*
the 'Haldi/Sainth' *For the unintiated; the bride is blessed by all the married, she is given the set of Red Bangles by her maternal uncle called 'Chura' and all her friends tie her the 'Kaliras'; and then the women put haldi on the bride so that she glows in the evening. This is one of the most Beautiful moment before marriage, the sudden realization by everyone that the little girl is not little anymore, invariably makes every sad and happy at the same time. I have seen most of the brides breaking down and crying at this time! And being the eldest from my maternal side and having three maternal uncles; who adore me and all; and then there is this small issue of me wanting to flaunt my 'Chura' (Yes, I know exactly the kinds I want!)*;
And then instead of the whole wedding ceremony, I would like to get the Registrar at home and do a civil marriage. *In the original plan; I had wanted to walk under the whole red chunni that my brothers would hold and the flower aisle which will lead to the mandap, the pandit chanting the matras and the 'Kanyadaan'; the thing that I know my father wants to do, the 'Pheras' and the sindoor and the magalsutra. I wanted the whole 'Joota' churaana thingy, with the jija saali negotiating the amount...*
Finally the Receptions *Two because, there would be one Punjabi style Reception & the other Bengali Style Reception; One in Delhi and the other one in Mumbai/ Calcutta or may be both the places!*

I think, I have lost it. Totally!
I can't plan my wedding, especially when the number of people involved in getting married are two. I know that I am assuming a lot of things here, especially the fact that Shayon is not going to object on this 'Wedding Plan'. I am going to be the first sister/ daughter in my family, whenever I get married *Unless younger sister decides to get married at 18!* and he is the only son of his parents and the youngest otherwise in the family, and the favourite. I am sure that his family would want a lot to do with this. I know so will mine. I have my Bua who says that she wants to host a function for me; and I have my Tyaji for whom it will be like marrying off her own daughter... there are my maternal uncles and mostly their wifes who are gearing up to play their roles. There are my parents, who probably planned the 'Kanyadaan' the moment they knew I was a girl.

And then there is me; I have grown up watching weddings, and each wedding in the family *Mostly my Dad's younger cousins; owing to the fact that I have a huge extended family and we are close to each other* was a project, a big one; from the right clothes to the right look, everything. Yes, I love weddings. I love to be an integral part of this special occasion for the two people who are starting this new journey together, and I feel, that if I do something that makes it memorable for them, I will be blessed. After all, even if it is the marriage that counts, there is no harm in making the wedding special. And unless you are Priyanka Chopra of 7 Khoon Maaf; you get married just once..  I don't know, how is it going to be for me though. Because, maybe by the end of the struggle of getting my parents to agree for me getting married to the boyfriend ends, I will be so exhausted that, I will want nothing, but just the marriage.

I know no one, who will be eager to make my journey through the aisle to my special someone, Special.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

"When it rains, IT POURS"

And my life is nothing short of this F-I-V-E letter quote. These five words describe everything that I am going through now.
It has been by far one of the WORST, WORST week ever. The next week could be even more so, but right now its BAD and there is still Friday left.
And oh, just in case you are wondering; in all respects, i.e. Personal and professional,

Boyfriend is MAD at me. And this is an understatement. Mad, doesn't describe even an iota of his anger towards my attitude in general. So, I am screwed. Majorly. Screwed.
 So this one is for him,

I am really sorry for hurting you. I really am. 
I am So so Sorry! I miss you and I love you! Alot!

The days of the Boss being a Bitch have officially begun. My boss and the Senior Ms. P, have been taunting me for the last two days about my 'early' departures from office; this is despite the fact, that Ms. P has already left office, and am still here. I have been told stories about how Ms.P met her sister and her brother-in-law after three years and that too just for a couple of hours. Her big sacrifice in the name of the profession.
My question remains-  What is wrong if I finish all my work of the day and leave office on time?  Is it the quality of work that is important, or the number of hours you sit in office more important?

Then there is this Bar Exam  that is coming up in less than a two weeks, there are TWENTY  subjects that I have to cover. Even though it is an open book exam, if I flunk this one, Whole career is set back to almost one whole year, till the time it happens again. Yes, you can add the embarrassment bit amongst the contemporaries too, considering the fact that, I topped college!

Life is on a roll, and it pouring problems from all directions!
Miss me if I die!   

Sunday, February 13, 2011

To love!

My last post was all about Love, and the idea of being in Love!
That post was dedicated to all of us, who believe that there is some magic in this four letter word. It happens. To all of us at one time or the other. It maybe with the Right guy, or the parents, the Dog.. the cat, or even your own passion!
The power of love is so much, that in Harry Potter, the young Wizard was able to win over the One who must not be named!
And in Life- we all find our demons, our mistakes and our lessons. What matters is to not to lose hope. To always have faith, that L-O-V-E will find you and in the darkest of hours it will cheer you up and make you believe!Just Keep your mind open to it!
To Love, with love! I wish us all a year full of love and Happiness!

Dear Santa,
I have already apologised for not doing anything special for you this year. I promise, I would, soon!
On the day of love, when our love bloomed, I just want to Thank You for having faith and believing in us all through the bad times, which seem never ending!
I love you! And Happy Valentine's & Happy 6 Year Anniversary, my love! Here is to our Happy Ever After- It will come someday! <3 <3

I am leaving you with a song that pretty much sums up the things going through our lives. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Love is in the Air!

Pardon me and my mushiness, but February makes me go all crazy in love. Apart from the fact that it is the Valentine month, and the weather is good, it does happen to be the month of my 'Love Anniversary', which I made pretty obvious in the last post!
But, I am not going to start gushing over my lovely boyfriend in this post...this one is more nostalgic in nature!!!

February, apart from being the month of 'Love', during the school days was mostly the dreaded month, being the shortest, it was the month before the exams began in March.
So, in between the exams, or preparing for the exams, I used to always wonder and wonder more, about when am I ever going to get a valentine's day to celebrate?
You see, the logic was simple, I was not the pretty babe or the brat who had boyfriends following her all through school. As a matter of fact I was the Geek.

But, love and the day of love meant way too much to me. The very first physical card that I had sent Shayon after we had started dating, was the one that I had brought when I was in class 9th!!!
Yes, I was and still am smitten by the idea of love, and thanks to Yash Raj Films, Shahrukh Khan, Madhuri Dixit and above all Dil Toh Pagal Hai, that every year after I saw this movie; I have been dressings up in pink, and dress up nicely, only to sit at home and study. And think about how, one day, I will go for a Valentine's Day!
Till that time, I consoled myself by buying lovey dovey cards and little paraphernalia to stay in the spirit of love!

Yes, it is a different thing to be in love, to experience love...
But it is totally different to be in love with the idea of being in Love!  

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I am Trying

Really hard to find reasons to make my own happy stories. But that just doesn't seem to happen.
But, I am wary of asking for it too from God, He tends to reverse things.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Love, love, and Love!

There is so much that I can write about being in love, experiencing this varied emotion, of having that someone to share your life with, in all the different ways.
Not just sharing the passionate kisses, but sharing the comfortable silence being with each other..
not just making out in each others arms, but also sleeping comfortably even if it means to have each other snoring into our ears..

It is not about, sharing the ups, but mostly the downs of life with each other. 

We have been difficult with each other, more than taking it easy. We hate each other's guts, but can't stand if either one of is upset because of a disagreement or an argument.. .. I do remember the very first clumsy attempt at the kiss that we made in the dark confines of the cinema hall.. but I don't remember the reason that we had our first argument about. The surprising thing I do remember is the very first make up e-card that you had sent me.. it said "The best part about a fight is, the Kiss and the Make up part".

There have been millions of occasions, I have disappointed you for so many reasons, and still you have held on to me. Through my bad decisions, my angry bouts of nonsensical things, bad grammar, useless banter, chatter.. gossips and crying sessions that go beyond God knows what.. but you have held your faith and above all loved me for the person that I was, and for the person that I am discovering in myself as I go through my journey of life. 

And, as we both come closer to celebrating  6 years of being together as lovers, partners in crime, and above all friends... I just want to tell you that, words cannot describe what I have for you in words.
You mean my world to me!

Here is to happiness, togetherness and Love!
I love you my Santa!