Thursday, March 9, 2017

I am Me : A woman's day special!

Like a tiny doll,
when I am born,
pampered and spoilt,
by father, mother, and brother alike.

From tales of princesses, and
the prince charming,
I am given barbies, and
kitchen sets to grow up with.

I am educated,
in the best of schools,
and there it is when I learn,
that a girl is more than,
the princess, and the vanity case,
given as gifts.

I learn about the gutsy women,
who dared to dream,
of women who fought battles,
discovered radium,
and touched the skies in their airplanes,
about a queen, who still rules,
and about a female PM,
who ran the largest democracy.

I learn to dream, and
I learn, about that little part,
in my heart, that wants to dare,
to break the shackles and stereotypes,
to love blue and not the pinks,
and to go out in the world,
to make a difference.

But when I do step out,
there is resistence, from the same,
father, mother, and brother,
who pampered me with all the love.
Then I learn to fight,
the shackles which come with,
the sheltered life.

In the next step, there are the others,
men who leer and lech,
men whose egos fragile as glass, and
women who feel that they deserve more, 
and a world which is same no more. 

But, I fight. 
At each step, 
to carve an identity, 
to feel the breeze, even if, 
it is ridden with salt, it is my own. 

I fight, against the 
prejudices and judgments against,
my clothes, 
my hair, 
my choice of men, 
my choice of having sex, 
my choice of marraige and babies, 
me being strong, but not stubborn. 
me being me, and not the other!

I look at myself, 
each day in the mirror, 
take a deep breath and vow, 
to hold my head high, to walk, 
in my heels, 
to wear that red lipstic, if I please, 
to ace that meeting, 
to party without a care, 
to argue on a point to make a point, 
to hold myself high, 
in my own eyes. 

Because I am a woman, 
I fight to survive, 
to take each breath, 
to choose battles, to win a war, 
and to live each moment, 
with feirce determination and a tender glow!


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A journey of 12 Years

A contreversial book, 
with conspiracy galore, 
a social network website, 
with a book discussion group. 

A boy with a weird name, 
and theories totally insane, 
and a dialogue, which, 
involved a few, and then just the two. 

Friend requests exchanged, 
and tentative steps taken, 
and soon from the book, 
the discussions moved away, 
from the group to just the two. 

Soon, it was impossible to pass,
even a day without "chatting up", 
eventually, it were the phone numbers, 
that were finally exchanged. 

In between e-mails, 
chats, smses and phone calls, 
we realised, that we were in love. 
Not an infactuation, 
but in fact love. 

We had never met, and
had seen each other through, 
patchy web cams, 
and then it was time to meet, 
eight months after, 
for 2 days, that was a treat! 

Year on year, after that, 
we struggled, but we had faith, 
and an eternal hope, 
and finally we did fight the stars, 
the moon, the family, and what not, 
and almost 8 years later, 
plunged further. 

At the altar, when he waited, 
I could see, the smile that he, 
had hidden away, with a sense, 
of calm, and satisfaction, that finally, 
we are a family. 

And from that day on, we do have, 
more struggles, and the arguements, 
which seem to never end, 
but even after these 12 long years, 
a genuine conversation, a tight hug, 
and a gentle kiss, 
makes the world alright, 
even if it is for a moment (or two). 

We often compete, but, 
we know that no one but we, 
complete, each other, now, 
and forever. 

As we move into another year, 
I close my eyes, and 
reminisce, the night we decided, 
that it was love, 
not at first sight, but at a remark, 
in a group, on a website.. and 
that we were and are meant to be, 
together, 
Today, tomorrow and always!

Saturday, February 11, 2017

The 30-30 List

So I have been 30 for a little over 6 months. And to say that turning 30 has had no major impact on me will be an understatement. Each day (okay, almost everyother day) I have been evaluating and re-evaluating my life and the life choices that I have made. All of a sudden the fact that I am a walkover hits harder than ever, and that losing weight has become imperative, and that it will not be as easy as it was earlier also makes me shudder.

Today, I came across a list on website called Vagabomb, and decided to adopt my own version of this about what I thought that I would be at 30 and what I am. This will be give me perspective and hopefully, help me too.

So here goes nothing:

1. My Own Car

Technically my dad bought me one, years ago, but it was him who paid for it, and I still haven't bought anything that is "costly" per say. I am married, and we do have a car, but then again, technically, it is not my car.

2. A Child

More like children. But then, maybe somethings are not meant to be.

3. A house

This is a joke. I think, the day I started earning and the day I started doing real estate transactions, I figured, I'll never ever be able to buy a house unless there is a windfall, and as luck would have it- No windfall. Then, I moved to Mumbai, and till the time there were no hopes for coming back, I cried my eyes out a lot because owning house in Mumbai meant starving yourself to death for a matchbox.

4. Savings

None. Nil. Nada. Whatever little I have, that is because my father forces me. Else, I am broke and am hardly making the ends meet.

5. Sorted Finances

The story of my savings can pretty much state the story here. There are loads of things that I would like to do here (like an SIP/Mutual Funds investment), but then either there is no impetus or the liquidity is always crunched. I hate myself for this.

6. Career which pays me in millions

The money that I make is roughly, very very less than what my fucking peers are making. Am I happy about the situation. NO. Is there any one I can blame for it? No. Only myself. My career has been a yo yo since the day I got married, and there is absolutely no one but my stupidity to blame for this.

7. Choice to retire

I am making the corpus but I have been told/seen- Lawyers do not retire.
PS: The corpus may not be enough.

8. Culinary Skills
Thank God this one is under my belt. I can cook. And cook damn well. I only wish, I knew how to chop the veggies too ;)

9. The ability to buy Groceries
Since I can cook, I can pretty much get by. Except I had grocery shopping.

10. Eat a Fruit a day
I try. I really do.

11. Still thin and Strong
I was never really thin, per say, but I was definitely slimmer, and at a much better space at the time I got married. That was almost 5 years ago. Need a revival here.

12. Healthy Hair and Skin
Still working. And the hairfall WONT stop.

13. Saree Sagas
I can tie a saree. I can carry a saree. And I love sarees. One more feather in the cap.

14. High Heels

Wedges are workable. Pencils upto 3 inches are still okay, but the 5 inch and upward battle has become a war. Flats, are the best bet, and the reason for the same: My weight.

15. A Louboutin Shoe/A timeless Piece
A timeless fashion piece which is not a rip off. Okay, I do have quite a few of BFF's label (and they are good), but one fashion piece/ bag/accessory from an established brand bought by my own money would just make me feel so adult.

16. Regular Medical Check -Ups
I am usually okay, and I don't hate going to doctors, but the regularity of the health check-ups could go up.

17. Making conversations
I know I can talk. But I blab. I still don't know how is it that someone who can blabber like crazy can't make meaningful conversations? I still don't know, how is it that things that make sense to me in my head don't make any sense to me when I speak them out! And you would think that wiseness comes with age!

18. Hangovers
They become worse with age.

19. Unwanted hair
Waxing arms and legs, and still the hair grown unabated. Now I even have chin hair to take care of.

20. Make-up skills
Another skill that I have learnt!!!! I do decent make -up, and spend money on it too. But still find it tedious to put kajal in the morning to go to work.

21. Travel Goals
My ponly foreign travel still remains - The Honeymoon that we had gone for. Of course I have been pining for a foreign holiday, but thank God to the travel bug, at least we travel in India.

22. A wardrobe
I have clothes. Most of them hand me downs and/or gifts from various aunts and my mother. Putting together a decent wardrobe is an expensive affair.

23. A happier me
Age has done exactly the opposite.

24. A more structured schedule and better time management
I am still running like a headless chicken at times, trying to co-ordinate things and micromanaging them. I would really like to sleep less, and be a tad bit more active. But alas, that is still far away. Far far away.

25. More independant
So, while I hail to be a modern woman, it is still really hard to shop without my mother/husband, and even harder to take minor decisions. A simple "what should we eat for dinner" is a three way call between my maid, me and then between me and the husband and then between me and the maid.

26. Less Anger
If only wishes were apples. Instead I am touchier than before.

27. A group of friends that are super solid and in the same city
There is a lot of ambiguity here.

28. An activity that I love and stick to
I dance. But- I still can't make up my mind about joining a dance class.

29. More patient
Work in progress.

30. Being Me and Knowing me
I really did think that I will have a very sorted life once I have adulted, and since by 30 you are officially running against your biological clock, you are an adult. But- forget being sorted, I think, my life is more complicated than ever. While I fend off the "why the dog and not a baby", from relatives and friends who are popping kids, I can't seem to figure out what is it that I really want. Life is a bitch, and I want to cry all the time.

***

These are my 30 things. And if you want you can pick this up too!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest of them all,
not you my dear, 
Not you at all! 

You are short in height,
But worst of all you are, 
Short in sight! 

You call yourself kind, 
Look at the words you speak, 
Nothing short of thoughtless, 
And unkind! 

You say your heart is made
Of gold, 
But oh my, that gold is nothing, 
But only unreal! 

You say you love with, 
All your might? 
Maybe because love has, 
Finally made you blind! 

Listen my dear, 
Says the mirror, 
You are nothing but a blot, 
A fault, a tangle, and quite frankly, 
My dear, 
A very hard one to detangle! 

Rules are simple as that-
Don't gloat, or gloss, 
A heart with love and kindness, 
Has no dark. 
No strings attached, 
And giving being the default option! 

You are hopeless my dear, 
I hope you know that. 
But still come back to me, 
If you have changed! 
Look at me, 
And into your soul, 
Then ask the question, 
About the fairest in the world! 


Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Your 30th.

Since we were kids, your Birthday was always celeberated with a bit more fanfare. I always had mine at home, while yours were in Nirulas, at the Country Club. Or anywhere else that you had wanted them to be.
You are one of my biggest "What if" in life. There are times, many a times that I can't stop thinking about what life would have been with you around.
Tonight, we would have probably have a big birthday bash with you? Or would you have wanted a quiet evening?
Would there have been a special someone, and would there have been a surprise from him? Would that have been a combined effort?
Who would you have been?
The world has changed so much from since we had wanted to run away and make a world of our own. There are so many opportunities, and things are different. I can only imagine what you would have done with all the opportunities that are available in the world.

I can only imagine a life with you in it, because reality of that sucks, and punches me straight into my stomach. I wish wherever you are, you know, that you are missed. I may not say it, express it, but the one person who is the closest to me knows, how much I do.

Happy Birthday.
You are missed.

Monday, January 23, 2017

A fools love

It is often white, 
To hide your black life,
Often the easier way out, 
But a lie, my friend is just that, 
A lie. 

Sometimes it's blatant, 
The other times it is to hide, 
The truth in plain sight. 
Some say it because, 
Sheer habit trumps best of intents, 
Other claim they want you, 
To hurt less. 

Sometimes it is the, 
Demand of the situation, 
Sometimes it is just an, 
Exaggeration, 
Sometimes it is a fable, 
Other time a tall tale to tell all, 
But not the truth or the fact. 

Sometimes it is stretching, 
Too far, 
The other time it is twisting, 
The truth too out of proportion,
But still never the plain old truth. 

For someone like me, 
An easy and an emotional fool, 
Often the truth is moulded, 
Plain facts withheld or forgotten
To be told. 

A fool however remains a fool, 
Often overlooking the real truth,
Playing the trust game, 
Losing it badly. 

Misused trust, and misused sense 
Of loyalty. 
Questioning the fools worth
In liars life. 
Because truth, 
the fool was always told, 
Was a gift of trust, between,
People who love each other. 

But the lines have blurred, and 
The fool knows know more, 
If even though the fool is loved dearly, 
Then why the lies crop up? 
Is the fool loved at all? 
Or is that love- all but true? 
A fable? A tall tale or simply, 
A twisted truth. 
And fool sadly wonders, 
Does too much love and care too, 
Make people spin the stories? 
And pretend that the fool will always 
Be the fool, fooled by the people, who mean the world to the fool? 

Maybe the love is flawed, 
And it's only the web of stories, 
That keep it together? 
Or is the fool so unworthy of love and truth? 

Monday, January 9, 2017

To resolve or not to resolve, that is the question

I remember, when we were in School, the first set of discussions between friends was about the New Year Resolutions.
I just remember that. I don't remember the kind of resolutions that a school going kid/teenager would make. I mean, losing weight? Or I believe to study more and come first or something on those lines.

For the last couple of years (more like the adult life), the resolutions revolve around the weight and yeah the weight. In a workshop that I had attended about 2 odd years back, while the guy giving us the lecture was talking about goals, he said that our goals should be tangible, and hence imperative that we talk about it, or tell people what our goals are so that they can nag us to oblivion about them. So while New Year is usually a landmark day, when people decide that it is time for a new chapter and set out the resolution, I believe, that, the resolutions should instead be goals, and the resolve should be to achieve them.

Whether your resolve is out in the public, or is private to you, should be your own thing, really. I would not want to achieve a goal, any goal for that matter because of "what will the other person say", but should be my own. I should be my own judge, whether I fail or succeed. But, if your goals are achieved by being in the eye of the public, then, go that way my friend and if you want me to be the nagger, I will be more than happy (my husband, happier still).

But so far as I am concerned, my first goal is to make a set of goals, and then some how, any how, make myself stick to them. I think, my first goal should be to get rid of the Instant Gratification Monkey. And then I believe, that I shall be able to somehow reach a stage where I would be able to make resolutions and stick to them.

Though I do know that, I really do want to be a better person in 2017. Work on several things in myself to be that better person.

So here is to 2017, to new goals and a question of resolutions!