Friday, March 31, 2017

Adulting 101

It is March 31 today. And I hope that all the adults who fall in the tax bracket have already made their last minute tax savings and have also decided, what to do, and what not to do in the coming year. I did mine like in the beginning of this week, and I feel thouroughly accomplaished. It was pretty last minute too, but atleast, it was not like running with a cheque like a lost chicken on 31st itself. I consider that to be adulting. Or at least a part of it.

A recent research says that millenials (like me), have a median age of 30, and they start considering themselves as adults only when they turn 30. Which is mighty interesting. Because, while I remember being 25 and carefree, I also remember turning 30 and all of a sudden, panicking becuase it felt (and still feels like) that time is slipping and now you are on the other side of time (if there is anything like that). All of a sudden you see friends (some even younger then you), who have become parents and are responsible for another human life, and you delay taking your dog to the clinic by 1 whole week, even wehn she is in pain. You see, how people are buying new cars, going for the fancy holidays, and how you can't even maintain a proper grocery list, and forget savings, you don't even know how to budget your household properly. You see people and how their life is together, and you still struggle, in keeping yourself and your sanity together.
There are of course exception to these friends. But, if I have to be honest, I know that all of them would be struggling with something or the other, but, they have that one thing that is sorted in their life. Be it their career or be it their personal life. They have something, to hold on to. Unlike, me right now, where each day is like an exam in adulting.

But what I have come to realise esapecially in the last couple of months, that there are somethings that have to become a deliberate practice for all this adulting to happen, and it does not include throwing dinner parties like an adult! Here is a tentaive list from my tiny experience, in case you are looking for one that is.

1. Expectations: None. Nil. Nada. It is very important to train yourself, that you cannot expect anything from anyone, and on some days, even from your ownself. But that is the truth of it all. And the mantra for a relationship like marriage and all the ancilliary realtionships that come along with that. You have to be your own lover, and your own person. Your married BFF will always be too involved, and if she has a child, then the tables are turned, and you have more expectations to fulfill. Your partner will probably give you a shoulder to cry, but, when life happens, love goes. You can either make your ends meet or make your expectations of romance meet.

2. Only superheroes are in Movies: In real life, you have to just save your own world, and the rest will have to wait today. Life becomes an endless loop of to-do lists, whether it is office assignments or getting things done for home.

3. Accept: The game of tell me why got over with your childhood. Somethings have to be accepted. Like the fact that despite all your persuation, you will have to attend parties on your own, and family functions by yourself. The flaws become imminent, and that is when your relationships are tested. You are some times not only supposed to take the blame for yourself and your actions, often the actions of the partner are also put on your head. Accepting that as a part of your life and moving on helps. It also helps to accept the fact that, when they say that women always assert themselves in a man-woman relationship and call the shots, it is wrong, and you as your own person, cannot judge your relationship based on that myth.

4. Choices: You have to bear the brunt of your own choices. Even if that means, choosing to put your career on the backfoot for family or your relationship. But that does not in any way mean that you have to feel bad about it. Yes, you would like to be appreciated about that fact, but that does not happen. The process to learn that your choices and the repercussions will always come to bite you of not today, but tomorrow should always weigh on your mind.

5. Letting Go: My introductory paragraphs talk about how I have measured myself against the standards and expectations with the yardstick of the society, and feel miserable about it. But the biggest process in the whole adulting scam is to let go. To just measure yourself againt your own self. I have deleted the facebook app on my phone. And that has helped immensely, and slowly I have come to realise that I need to focus on myself and just me too, and can't keep on looking at people and measuring my life. Notions have to be let go.

6. Sleep: While you want to party, and do so many things- you have to give up your sleep, and those lessons come in handy, when one has a baby.

7. Stress and worry: With Murphy working overtime to ensure that things just go wrong all the time, you are bombarded with stress- about work, career, life, relationships, money and everything under the sun. Adulting is like working under constant worry of why things go wrong because all of them go wrong, one way or the other.

Life as we know it, changes, as soon as we realise that one has to be a "responsible" adult. And while you let go of expectations, a whole load of them is put on you- always. My first tiny steps to adulting, and I wonder, what is it that they teach you in school in any case!!!  

Thursday, March 9, 2017

I am Me : A woman's day special!

Like a tiny doll,
when I am born,
pampered and spoilt,
by father, mother, and brother alike.

From tales of princesses, and
the prince charming,
I am given barbies, and
kitchen sets to grow up with.

I am educated,
in the best of schools,
and there it is when I learn,
that a girl is more than,
the princess, and the vanity case,
given as gifts.

I learn about the gutsy women,
who dared to dream,
of women who fought battles,
discovered radium,
and touched the skies in their airplanes,
about a queen, who still rules,
and about a female PM,
who ran the largest democracy.

I learn to dream, and
I learn, about that little part,
in my heart, that wants to dare,
to break the shackles and stereotypes,
to love blue and not the pinks,
and to go out in the world,
to make a difference.

But when I do step out,
there is resistence, from the same,
father, mother, and brother,
who pampered me with all the love.
Then I learn to fight,
the shackles which come with,
the sheltered life.

In the next step, there are the others,
men who leer and lech,
men whose egos fragile as glass, and
women who feel that they deserve more, 
and a world which is same no more. 

But, I fight. 
At each step, 
to carve an identity, 
to feel the breeze, even if, 
it is ridden with salt, it is my own. 

I fight, against the 
prejudices and judgments against,
my clothes, 
my hair, 
my choice of men, 
my choice of having sex, 
my choice of marraige and babies, 
me being strong, but not stubborn. 
me being me, and not the other!

I look at myself, 
each day in the mirror, 
take a deep breath and vow, 
to hold my head high, to walk, 
in my heels, 
to wear that red lipstic, if I please, 
to ace that meeting, 
to party without a care, 
to argue on a point to make a point, 
to hold myself high, 
in my own eyes. 

Because I am a woman, 
I fight to survive, 
to take each breath, 
to choose battles, to win a war, 
and to live each moment, 
with feirce determination and a tender glow!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A journey of 12 Years

A contreversial book, 
with conspiracy galore, 
a social network website, 
with a book discussion group. 

A boy with a weird name, 
and theories totally insane, 
and a dialogue, which, 
involved a few, and then just the two. 

Friend requests exchanged, 
and tentative steps taken, 
and soon from the book, 
the discussions moved away, 
from the group to just the two. 

Soon, it was impossible to pass,
even a day without "chatting up", 
eventually, it were the phone numbers, 
that were finally exchanged. 

In between e-mails, 
chats, smses and phone calls, 
we realised, that we were in love. 
Not an infactuation, 
but in fact love. 

We had never met, and
had seen each other through, 
patchy web cams, 
and then it was time to meet, 
eight months after, 
for 2 days, that was a treat! 

Year on year, after that, 
we struggled, but we had faith, 
and an eternal hope, 
and finally we did fight the stars, 
the moon, the family, and what not, 
and almost 8 years later, 
plunged further. 

At the altar, when he waited, 
I could see, the smile that he, 
had hidden away, with a sense, 
of calm, and satisfaction, that finally, 
we are a family. 

And from that day on, we do have, 
more struggles, and the arguements, 
which seem to never end, 
but even after these 12 long years, 
a genuine conversation, a tight hug, 
and a gentle kiss, 
makes the world alright, 
even if it is for a moment (or two). 

We often compete, but, 
we know that no one but we, 
complete, each other, now, 
and forever. 

As we move into another year, 
I close my eyes, and 
reminisce, the night we decided, 
that it was love, 
not at first sight, but at a remark, 
in a group, on a website.. and 
that we were and are meant to be, 
Today, tomorrow and always!

Saturday, February 11, 2017

The 30-30 List

So I have been 30 for a little over 6 months. And to say that turning 30 has had no major impact on me will be an understatement. Each day (okay, almost everyother day) I have been evaluating and re-evaluating my life and the life choices that I have made. All of a sudden the fact that I am a walkover hits harder than ever, and that losing weight has become imperative, and that it will not be as easy as it was earlier also makes me shudder.

Today, I came across a list on website called Vagabomb, and decided to adopt my own version of this about what I thought that I would be at 30 and what I am. This will be give me perspective and hopefully, help me too.

So here goes nothing:

1. My Own Car

Technically my dad bought me one, years ago, but it was him who paid for it, and I still haven't bought anything that is "costly" per say. I am married, and we do have a car, but then again, technically, it is not my car.

2. A Child

More like children. But then, maybe somethings are not meant to be.

3. A house

This is a joke. I think, the day I started earning and the day I started doing real estate transactions, I figured, I'll never ever be able to buy a house unless there is a windfall, and as luck would have it- No windfall. Then, I moved to Mumbai, and till the time there were no hopes for coming back, I cried my eyes out a lot because owning house in Mumbai meant starving yourself to death for a matchbox.

4. Savings

None. Nil. Nada. Whatever little I have, that is because my father forces me. Else, I am broke and am hardly making the ends meet.

5. Sorted Finances

The story of my savings can pretty much state the story here. There are loads of things that I would like to do here (like an SIP/Mutual Funds investment), but then either there is no impetus or the liquidity is always crunched. I hate myself for this.

6. Career which pays me in millions

The money that I make is roughly, very very less than what my fucking peers are making. Am I happy about the situation. NO. Is there any one I can blame for it? No. Only myself. My career has been a yo yo since the day I got married, and there is absolutely no one but my stupidity to blame for this.

7. Choice to retire

I am making the corpus but I have been told/seen- Lawyers do not retire.
PS: The corpus may not be enough.

8. Culinary Skills
Thank God this one is under my belt. I can cook. And cook damn well. I only wish, I knew how to chop the veggies too ;)

9. The ability to buy Groceries
Since I can cook, I can pretty much get by. Except I had grocery shopping.

10. Eat a Fruit a day
I try. I really do.

11. Still thin and Strong
I was never really thin, per say, but I was definitely slimmer, and at a much better space at the time I got married. That was almost 5 years ago. Need a revival here.

12. Healthy Hair and Skin
Still working. And the hairfall WONT stop.

13. Saree Sagas
I can tie a saree. I can carry a saree. And I love sarees. One more feather in the cap.

14. High Heels

Wedges are workable. Pencils upto 3 inches are still okay, but the 5 inch and upward battle has become a war. Flats, are the best bet, and the reason for the same: My weight.

15. A Louboutin Shoe/A timeless Piece
A timeless fashion piece which is not a rip off. Okay, I do have quite a few of BFF's label (and they are good), but one fashion piece/ bag/accessory from an established brand bought by my own money would just make me feel so adult.

16. Regular Medical Check -Ups
I am usually okay, and I don't hate going to doctors, but the regularity of the health check-ups could go up.

17. Making conversations
I know I can talk. But I blab. I still don't know how is it that someone who can blabber like crazy can't make meaningful conversations? I still don't know, how is it that things that make sense to me in my head don't make any sense to me when I speak them out! And you would think that wiseness comes with age!

18. Hangovers
They become worse with age.

19. Unwanted hair
Waxing arms and legs, and still the hair grown unabated. Now I even have chin hair to take care of.

20. Make-up skills
Another skill that I have learnt!!!! I do decent make -up, and spend money on it too. But still find it tedious to put kajal in the morning to go to work.

21. Travel Goals
My ponly foreign travel still remains - The Honeymoon that we had gone for. Of course I have been pining for a foreign holiday, but thank God to the travel bug, at least we travel in India.

22. A wardrobe
I have clothes. Most of them hand me downs and/or gifts from various aunts and my mother. Putting together a decent wardrobe is an expensive affair.

23. A happier me
Age has done exactly the opposite.

24. A more structured schedule and better time management
I am still running like a headless chicken at times, trying to co-ordinate things and micromanaging them. I would really like to sleep less, and be a tad bit more active. But alas, that is still far away. Far far away.

25. More independant
So, while I hail to be a modern woman, it is still really hard to shop without my mother/husband, and even harder to take minor decisions. A simple "what should we eat for dinner" is a three way call between my maid, me and then between me and the husband and then between me and the maid.

26. Less Anger
If only wishes were apples. Instead I am touchier than before.

27. A group of friends that are super solid and in the same city
There is a lot of ambiguity here.

28. An activity that I love and stick to
I dance. But- I still can't make up my mind about joining a dance class.

29. More patient
Work in progress.

30. Being Me and Knowing me
I really did think that I will have a very sorted life once I have adulted, and since by 30 you are officially running against your biological clock, you are an adult. But- forget being sorted, I think, my life is more complicated than ever. While I fend off the "why the dog and not a baby", from relatives and friends who are popping kids, I can't seem to figure out what is it that I really want. Life is a bitch, and I want to cry all the time.


These are my 30 things. And if you want you can pick this up too!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest of them all,
not you my dear, 
Not you at all! 

You are short in height,
But worst of all you are, 
Short in sight! 

You call yourself kind, 
Look at the words you speak, 
Nothing short of thoughtless, 
And unkind! 

You say your heart is made
Of gold, 
But oh my, that gold is nothing, 
But only unreal! 

You say you love with, 
All your might? 
Maybe because love has, 
Finally made you blind! 

Listen my dear, 
Says the mirror, 
You are nothing but a blot, 
A fault, a tangle, and quite frankly, 
My dear, 
A very hard one to detangle! 

Rules are simple as that-
Don't gloat, or gloss, 
A heart with love and kindness, 
Has no dark. 
No strings attached, 
And giving being the default option! 

You are hopeless my dear, 
I hope you know that. 
But still come back to me, 
If you have changed! 
Look at me, 
And into your soul, 
Then ask the question, 
About the fairest in the world! 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Your 30th.

Since we were kids, your Birthday was always celeberated with a bit more fanfare. I always had mine at home, while yours were in Nirulas, at the Country Club. Or anywhere else that you had wanted them to be.
You are one of my biggest "What if" in life. There are times, many a times that I can't stop thinking about what life would have been with you around.
Tonight, we would have probably have a big birthday bash with you? Or would you have wanted a quiet evening?
Would there have been a special someone, and would there have been a surprise from him? Would that have been a combined effort?
Who would you have been?
The world has changed so much from since we had wanted to run away and make a world of our own. There are so many opportunities, and things are different. I can only imagine what you would have done with all the opportunities that are available in the world.

I can only imagine a life with you in it, because reality of that sucks, and punches me straight into my stomach. I wish wherever you are, you know, that you are missed. I may not say it, express it, but the one person who is the closest to me knows, how much I do.

Happy Birthday.
You are missed.

Monday, January 23, 2017

A fools love

It is often white, 
To hide your black life,
Often the easier way out, 
But a lie, my friend is just that, 
A lie. 

Sometimes it's blatant, 
The other times it is to hide, 
The truth in plain sight. 
Some say it because, 
Sheer habit trumps best of intents, 
Other claim they want you, 
To hurt less. 

Sometimes it is the, 
Demand of the situation, 
Sometimes it is just an, 
Sometimes it is a fable, 
Other time a tall tale to tell all, 
But not the truth or the fact. 

Sometimes it is stretching, 
Too far, 
The other time it is twisting, 
The truth too out of proportion,
But still never the plain old truth. 

For someone like me, 
An easy and an emotional fool, 
Often the truth is moulded, 
Plain facts withheld or forgotten
To be told. 

A fool however remains a fool, 
Often overlooking the real truth,
Playing the trust game, 
Losing it badly. 

Misused trust, and misused sense 
Of loyalty. 
Questioning the fools worth
In liars life. 
Because truth, 
the fool was always told, 
Was a gift of trust, between,
People who love each other. 

But the lines have blurred, and 
The fool knows know more, 
If even though the fool is loved dearly, 
Then why the lies crop up? 
Is the fool loved at all? 
Or is that love- all but true? 
A fable? A tall tale or simply, 
A twisted truth. 
And fool sadly wonders, 
Does too much love and care too, 
Make people spin the stories? 
And pretend that the fool will always 
Be the fool, fooled by the people, who mean the world to the fool? 

Maybe the love is flawed, 
And it's only the web of stories, 
That keep it together? 
Or is the fool so unworthy of love and truth?