Sunday, October 21, 2012

The dark side of me...

I have never really been an introvert. Actually, the fact of the matter is that I am outspoken, like to go yap yap and yap, and don't realise when to shut up.
I have not learnt the art of "Shutting up". 

Fiance and my parents have been trying forever. Dadi keeps on saying that, I need to learn to JUST SHUT UP. 
But amongst all the traits that I have, I also have the trait of not listening to people around me. 
There is something known as constructive criticism that people normally take in their stride. But, I am me and I can never really take constructive critique without feeling a hit to my own ego. It can't get worse than this, can it? 

I have a new friend. And the way he put it for me, absolutely on my face, for some very weird reason, it hit me really hard. 

I really thought high about myself, and wow, was I wrong, or was I wrong.. so here is a low down on my self, that I never knew that I would be making:

1. I am an attention seeker: I always knew that I wanted to be special to someone. And, even though I am, I the attention it seems is not enough. I am always seeking for more (especially, since Fiance doesn't have the time and that spoils the fun.)

2. I am possessive: And by possessive I mean, I am possessive about my relationships. All of them. 

3. Everything is NOT about me: If someone laughs and I am around, then they are laughing at me. If someone is whispering and I am around, then it is about me. And worse of all, if someone is upset at any goddamn thing in the world then the reason is me. 

4. People have other things apart from me: People have other friends. They have families and above all they have their own lives and they are not answerable to me. 

5. I really need to think and speak: The world doesn't come to an end, if I don't express an opinion or if I can do away with not talking at all. The whole saying "Ek chup sau sukh"   ought to be reiterated and embedded in me. I really should shut up. 

6. Everyone has their own story and their own ups and downs, I have my own and I should not fuck up other people's lives because I "perceive" something out of their behaviour. Even after being with a person for so many years and talking to him/her for hours, one can't really tell about what one is thinking and what is going through one's head. Imagine, and on basis of absolute random conversations in bad moods. 

7. I Judge: I was proud of the fact that I was never the judgmental type, till this absolute stranger at a party last week said, that "You are very judgmental"; and I was thrown off. Of course, it was a come and a go comment, that I brushed off. Yesterday, it came back.

8. I was proud of the fact that I always "maintained" a relationship, without realizing that, a relationship, any for that matter requires space and freedom to breathe. I am so scared of losing a friend (even a foe) that I choke. Always looking for a reassurance.

9. Insecurity: Of self and about the others. Mostly, straddling others with mine.

10. I am no mother teresa: And I really should accept that. I can't keep making sure that others are happy, and that I made "Difference" in their lives. No one has given me that right. I shouldn't expect that too.

11. Control thy fire: I can be really nasty with the way I say certain things. It can be my dislike or my unhappiness, but the way I say is super nasty.

12. The child needs to grow up. I owe up to my mistakes. But, I need to really stop giving explanations about my mistakes. To err definitely is human, but really, I can't always err and then cite the fact that I am human. I need to be more responsible about my actions.

13. Living in expectations: And then suffering the heart break, and then reacting in the MOST inappropriate manner possible. Life is too short to expect from ANYONE. I should accept that, and move on.

14. Clingy: I can't be clingy. Period. It sucks.

15. I am always angry at the world. Because rest of the world is better off than my own little world. Reality check. Grass is fucking not always greener on the other side. Life sucks. That is the way it is. Period.

I do want make a difference by being a part of people's lives. But now that I have been told bluntly, I agree, I just have to be there, not cling, not push. I have to open my mind and make sure that, I am able to pick up the thread of the story my friendships, without the maintenance bit.
I have been told not to change.
I am just wondering which part do the people refer to, considering most of the others find my overtly, sweet, cute and helpful nature a little too fake in this big bad world.
This baby needs to stop constantly hoping to be babied.. Time to grow up. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

For the Fiance

I love this song.. the lyrics are beautiful. Essentially, this song elaborates on the theory of "Love is always Enough".

There is this line in the song that says..
"Pyaar ke sikkon se..mahine kharcha chale..."

You know, I loved this movie too. It was a love story. I had to love it. But, more so, I connected with it. I too yearn us to be one of those couples who die in each other's arms. I think, that would be a life well lived. One with no regrets.
I am not shy of saying, that even though we have been dating well over 7 years, I have just grown to love you more. Never less. Somehow it is hard to imagine the last so many years without you being a part of it. I wonder where I would have been. But then, I stop, because, that is worthless exercise. Life without you is nothing short of incomplete.

So, as we move into the last phase before the biggest day of our lives, I want to dedicate this song to you.. hoping that within the realms of reality of running a married life, we don't forget the innocence of the True Love that we carried within us this far...

I love you!