Friday, June 5, 2015

Lessons in Self Doubt

When you are unwell and in bed the whole day, the most productive thing that you can do is either sleep or watch TV.
The curse of our generation is that we also have facebook/ twitter/ youtube and access to unlimited sources of entertainment. And, therefore, I ended up watching an ENTIRE season of a show called "The Newsroom". And well, when you watch these shows, they affect you in a way that.. okay maybe not you but they definitely have some sort of an effect on me.
I pine to be able to be the hero in my own story. A success story.
A story where you just hit the right notes at the right time. Meet a right person, say the right things and then land up in a place that actually reveals to you, your own true character and helps you create a path that you may not have chosen for yourself, but your destiny did help you find it.

Reality on the other hand is a different deal altogether. There is nothing like a dream job. Each one has some flaws in it. There are jobs that question your moral character, then there are jobs that question your financial stability and then there are jobs that question your familial stability. Hell, I am almost 29 and I do NOT have a job, that satisfy my moral compass, nor is it satisfying my financial compass, and while these two are unsatisfactory in nature, by  the laws of whatever the fuck it is that you want to call it; I am simply not heading a happy household either.

I am easy to push around, hell, yeah, my maid pushes me around like hell! I get lectured by her as to why I should and should not pay my other maid. There, all the respect is out of the window. I also get pushed around a lot by others. I get angry at things that I feel are wrong, or simple things like, why should I keep taking the first steps towards the relationship maintenance amongst relatives.. the only answer I get is, that someone has to.
There are things that I am getting to know now, there are truths.. okay more like family stories that I feel I should not have been told. Things are changing after marriage, and I am unable to grasp at things. I am ill equipped to make informed decisions or any other decisions for that matter, and all that I end up doing is putting up a thing before the review committee .. my Husband mostly.

I don't know, from where do people find their own depths, to questions their decisions and to evaluate their consequences and above all to take that first step to change it all. Hell, I don't even know where my life is heading. If at all it is heading somewhere, and I am feeling stuck. There is no new adventure that awaits me each morning .. yeah unless you count catching a bus at 7.30 am 6 days a week or the local train for that matter. I don't feel motivated to wake up next day, all charged up to go do a days worth of work and at the end of the day feel satisfied.

I don't feel that confidence and that strength to take on to my own little world, forget the world at large. I don't know, where to start from. From where to grasp those threads.
I am earnestly looking, for that one opportunity, that will change my life. A positive event, that gives me a chance at my little life, with my Husband. 


Vagabond said...

Sakshi, I don't know why but I feel things are exactly the same for you and me right now. Don't know how that can even be. I'm waiting for that one miracle this year, somehow I keep feeling that things will fall into place. Though it hasnt in a long time! I really wish it happens for both of us. We are both standing at the same crossroads (only in different cities), dying every night at the hand of our humdrum lives.

Many hugs.

Sakshi said...

You couldn't have put it any better!

Many hugs!

Thirteen said...

I read this on post secret a few years ago - Someboday had submitted a postcard saying "I don't want to create a life that i can't walk away from". It stayed with me for years and sort of unconsciously helped dictate my path in life. This doesn't help you, but when i read your post thats what came to me. I hope you get unstuck soon and better things prevail.