Saturday, December 17, 2016

The Road to Self Discovery and Self Destruction: The Year End Saga (II)

I have been nothing sort of angry this year.

Ask the husband and he shall be happy to provide the proof.

The worst part of the whole me being angry thing is that I have no clue as to why am I angry. Okay, so not really. I know that there are various reasons why I am angry, upset and/or orritated almost all the time. But, what I don't know is, why am I heeding to the negativity of these things, and why can't I look beyond the obvious. Why can't I be a better person?

And guess what, that question right there, flares me up. It just fucks with my mind, because, ain't I a better person? No one is perfect, and neither am I.
But- am I not a better person already? I forgive, even when people walk all over me. I try to make everyone happy. I try to do everyone's bidding, and in all that, what I expect is truth, sincerity and love from those very people, I become the "not so better person" and then, this loop of "maybe I should be a better person" starts! And I get angry.

Then there is this whole baby issue, which is very intricately connected with a few other things that I can't really talk about here, but that also hits a raw nerve now and then, and then I am angry. Because, try as hard as I can, to curb the nonsensical thoughts that keep me on my toes, I just can't. I get anxious, because I don't get any answers, and then all I can think about is, how, our life is off track (till I read, some or the motivating memes/stories on facebook). The whole circle that it takes quite overwhelming and emotionally quite draining, and that makes me angry. And because this whole thing runs in my head, and spirals out of control, when I talk about it, I get angry because there is NO ONE who wants to understand me or guide me, or for that matter even sit and talk to me. So me struggling alone with the burden of this whole thing seems unfair. And thus I am angry.

I am angry generally at the world and at life, because things are just not falling in place. The amount of hiccups that have happened over the course of this year are enormous, and I can't seem to wrap my head around them. I have been so stressed this whole year, about something or the other, and that shows. In my general attitude, in the amount of effort that takes to infuse the happiness in me and the smile that stopped reaching the eyes long ago.

I know that I have issues. And that is something that I have agreed to, and have accepted. I also know that I need to work on all those things. But, I just keep wondering over and over again- Why am I so wrong? Do, only I have to really improve upon things?

As a gamut of emotions wash over me everytime I question myself, I feel more lost than ever.

And this year, I have been leading myself into a discovery to destruction pattern, over and over again, and I see no end in sight. Do I want to be less angry- Yes. Do I want be happier- Yes. However- Do I have to undertake this journey all by myself? Oh well, I don't know that! 

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