Love, Sex aur Dhoka.
We have tried to defend the whole thing, stating that love can happen to any one, and every one. We have talked about how society is reacting, and how it should be reacting if not the way it is reacting now. We even know the perspective of a husband, who has been betrayed, and there are more than enough accounts of a broken heart of a woman when she finds about how her husband/ boyfriend has been going around behind her back.
But have we really thought about the other woman? The one, with whom the said affair is going on. How does she feel, knowing that she is the other woman... does she love the boy, or is she also in it because there is some sort of a sexual satisfaction involved in it.
Things are easier I guess, if she is in it because there is just sex involves in it (Or so I am assuming) but what happens to her when she is emotionally involved too? Knowing the fact that she is the other woman... do you remember Priyanka Chopra from the movie Fashion ? There, it was a professional relationship with Arbaaz Khan that went all the way to becoming personal and then went sour, because Priyanka started demanding more of his time and eventually had a fall out, and went on to destroy her career once. Of course, one argument is that, she made a mistake and did get a chance to redeem it back.
And she did get her chance too, because, he was in it just for the lure of young sex and excitement.
But what happens, when, both of them are in it for love. The emotional attachment, when she knows that she is the other woman and she understands that he has responsibilities too.
What does she do? Where does she go? She cares for him, wants to make sure that the world is a better place for him and survives the pain of sharing her love with someone else.
What would you label her? The marriage breaker? Someone who has done a mistake, or someone who is plain stupid to have fallen in love without really giving a bother about the world? but then, when was the last time you fell in love with someone caring a damn about the world...
I know that this post does not really make too much of sense, but I am trying to look at the other side of the coin as well... in law the Principle of Natural Justice says, that you cannot pass a judgement in a case without giving a fair chance to both the parties, so here is my case for the other party.. opinions please?
You know how people say that love can happen anywhere, anytime with just about anyone? Well, sure it can, but everyone faces the repercussions of falling foolishly in love. No one thinks twice about falling in love? I don't think that's necessarily true. Unless it is love at first sight (in which I don't believe), but even in that case, you actually have to get to know the person before spelling your love out in words.
During the nascent stage of love, where the attachment is not complete and irreversible, the person gets a 1000 chances to look at what he or she's doing. It's entirely true that the headiness of love prevents people from doing that, but I think if they consider what is at stake, it probably won't be such a hazy picture.
The other woman definitely breaks a family, a marriage, which anyone will tell you is a difficult thing to cultivate. A lot goes into it, and every member puts in their life and soul into it. But when one member crosses the line and decides to look for love or sex or whatever, somewhere else, the family doesn't remain sacrosanct anymore.
The other woman is not the only one at fault. An affair consists of two people, who get into it willingly. And this is not to say that adults don't make mistakes, but if we're talking about extramarital affairs, then the two people involved are supposedly mature enough to make decisions. The other woman should know that she's signing herself up for heartbreak. For a single woman, a married man has disaster written all over him.
And there really is no other side to it, except that it's unfortunate for the other woman, but she asked for it. She will always be the other woman, and even if she manages to get the man in the end and marry him, she'd probably live with a lot of guilt for a while.
It is entirely possible for anyone already committed to fall for another person. Mainly it shows lack of warmth and trust in the existing relationship. It is rather not desirable to go for a person already committed. If one's existing relation is not healthy it would be better to call it off and over a time go for another with someone not committed. There are instances when girl has developed liking for someone who helped her in difficult times knowing fully well that he is married or committed. It is for that man to be honest and ensure that he does not take advantage of girl in that stage of emotional turmoil. But unfortunately mostly such a person does succumb to his lust and does what as a mentor he should not be doing. In many cases such persons extend helping hand with this motive only. So the girl does not become ' the other woman ' but a victim. Unfortunately such a girl does not realise it but remains blind to the situation under false dreams. If a girl knowingly makes a committed man fall in love with her, it is surely poaching for lust. How would you feel if your partner is taken away like this? Or if your partner indulges in taking advantage of girls in distress by offering helping hand? Whom would you blame in such situations?
Aah.. the "other woman"... or the "other man", as and when it's applicable...
When I read the post, a huge comment was forming up in my head. But by the time it came to writing it, the whole concept a lot clearer in my head. Allow me to try and suggest something, with illustration.
Have you ever had a friend who really loved someone, but got rejected by that person? What did you, at that point? Did you try to help her figure out more ways to "entice" his/her interest, or did you just say "He/She did not deserve you", stay by that friend's side and help her (of fuck's sake, I am sticking to just one sex) recuperate? Have you ever asked her to move on and find a guy who actually appreciates her for the way she is? This is where your answer is, sweetheart...
The whole world shall always call the "other woman" a home breaker, if she does manage to break a home, if the guy does decide to break his own home and go away with the "other woman". And if the guy fails to do so, then the "other woman" is just an emotional fool.
You know, a lot of my friends would complain that most of girls in my college were already taken. And I used to tell them, if you really want to be with her, then let her make the choice. You should never take decisions for her. Let her know how you feel. The rest is upto her. The same rule can be applied in this section too. However, if the married guy, even once, chooses not to sabotage his current relationship, the best thing to do is to either forget about the guy, or just keep your love to yourself.
Yes, it does sound like "frustrated love", but then a lot of us suffer a lot in our lives, just to be a part of a so-called "balanced" ecosystem. So, the "other woman" won't really the only one in this world.
Well, everything said and done, there's a question that keeps hovering around my head. If the married guy decided to go out of his marriage and get into an extra marital affair... and ALSO decides to trash his wife so that he can get the "other woman" home... and now that it's now the "other woman" who's the wife, will she ever be able to live in peace, and not wonder whether the married guy has another "other woman" now, in his life?
And of course, all of this only if the "other woman" is single. In case she's married too, then the hell will surely break loose. Hence, the best way out, always, is if you ever even feel you are falling for someone, confide in your partner. If he supports you, then go ahead and see how things work. If he doesn't support you, it's the judgment for the "other woman" to choose. And the same goes for the "married man" too.
My bottom line: 'Feelings' and love will always blossom. But keeping it away from the one who has decided to share his/her life with you is what will make the "other woman" a home breaker.
She's truthful with her loved ones, she will still find support. She betrays them too, and she'll always be branded a "home breaker".
And well, I am always intrigued by Uncle J's comments... he always manages to bring in a completely different perspective.
I really liked the way you put it. Yes, that's very much probable too.
You can choose your actions, but you can't choose emotions. They are, by nature, involuntary. People can withdraw from a situation early on, or avoid it. If there is an immediate attraction to another, it is very easy to see where it can lead and avoid it before it becomes emotional. Where it is more difficult is where there is no intent, in fact perhaps even that feeling of safety knowing that one or both is taken, and where in an 'appropriate' relationship strong feelings develop. In these cases it is hared to define where it crosses the line from friendship to more, and as there is so much emotional closeness, it is also hard to break. In these cases, even where more distance is sought in the relation, the feelings will remain. But of course, it is only the body, not the emotions that counts to define infidelity for most of society.
If only we were more like the other animals...or the 80% of societies that accept that monogamy is not natural...this would not even be an issue. Humans are so intent on defying their nature in so many things. In reality, there is no reason why loving a second should detract from the first. We accept this in the case of having more than one child. But we like to focus on these rules that are purely constructs of religion and society. Even my favourite boyfriend ever, who was quite a thinker in many ways, was shocked once when I told him (in response to him saying 'sorry I was late, but Joanna was in the shower and I didn't think you'd like it if I jumped in with her) 'no, I wouldn't mind if you had...as long as you are good to me when you are with me and are with me enough, how would it affect me if I didn't know'.
I think humans are unrealistic in expecting emotion to be just for one. More so in expecting lust to be (although it is easier to define and control this). It is because of our social construct of monogamous marriage that we are expected to do so...and being the social creatures desperate for approval, we continue generally to maintain the facade of monogamous feeling, and keep the form of marriage, even in cases where there is actual dislike.
Ok, wandered a bit. Back on topic...I think it is callous if one coldly enters into an extramarital relation for sex or excitement. In a world where men and women work and socialise together though, it can so easily be the case that love will occur before anything 'inappropriate' happening. And I don't think anyone can know how they would react to finding this love until they do. We can judge only after seeing the hidden, the feelings, motivations and concern.
Whoa! Quite a way in which you elaborated on just one sentence of mine, "If he supports you, then go ahead and see how things work."
Well, let us forget about the so-called societies and form one ourselves. Now, I hope, in whatever society we create, we always give preference to "consensual agreement". In that case, co-existence is always possible as long as all the parties are okay with it. Otherwise, there will always be an imbalance. We do have swingers' groups, in millions, all over the world. And they have a happy family life too. Nobody's denying that. But if the married man gets onto a relationship, keeping his wife int he dark (not taking up the "other woman", considering her to be single), isn't it being unfair to the wife? While the wife tries hard to make her marriage work, the guy goes ahead and keeps himself happy with someone else. What kinda society would really call it fair?
You are right when you say "I think humans are unrealistic in expecting emotion to be just for one." However, I doubt if it is because of the "social construct of monogamous marriage". Muslims are allowed to get married multiple times, at the same time. And yet there are more Muslims with just one partner, than the ones with multiple, at least in India. Of course, it is the way of life they choose. But in a marriage, it is the way of life that both the partners choose. If both the partners choose to share their love, no third person has the right to speak a single word. However, if even one of them agrees not to share, then either both decide the same, or split ways before you decide to "share" or "not share" yourself.
Anyway, something tells me you'd like to add to my comment, and I shall be waiting for it :-)
And yeah, really sorry to know about your husband. Not because he went off, but rather because it hurt you, for whatever reason.
interesting read...!! Made me think.
You always have a choice..I can totally understand fallin in love with married man becoz love is blind, etc, etc, etc but you always have a choice.. you can choose to be the other woman or choose to walk away..no one said life is going to be easy!! Personally, I would refrain from having anything to do with the guy until he sorted out things with his current beau...
Point noted Sakshi n made good sense there....
I asserted on my post itself that we must check ourselves from assigning roles of victim and accused to those involved in such a mess...coz we as outsiders never really know motives...we just base our opinion on pre-formed notions or habits...
It’s not easy, comfortable or advantageous being the other woman, except in cases where dumb women might do so for fringe benefits...
Btw...I like the Principle of Natural Justice!:-)
this is like a huge topic for debate !) well why would anyone wan t to be the other women /man. there are so many people out there ,why not be the one !
Thats a real nice point :)
Its like Kabhi alvida na kehena.. where both knew that the other had families but still couldn't help falling in love with them
I really loved you post!
@TFD, Uncle J, Shayon, Cathy
Your comments are posts in themselves. I am not giving any comment on them.
Just thank you for patiently reading the post, to think over it and give your views.
thanks for dropping by the blog... Yes, I agree that there is always a choice, but sometimes you cannot help but get into being the other woman/man.
I was like really waiting for your comment, coz, I always say that you think from a different tangent...
I totally agree when you say, that as a third person we cannot really fathom the reasons why one would get into such a relationship.
This is a HUMUGUS topic for debate. But then someone has to start a debate na?
Anyways, there are so many people in the world but there are only very few that you connect with, and fall in love with...
Thank you so much.
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