Year End Saga - When Friends become Mothers

I have been away for a quite a while, which by no measure meant that I had forgotten about my beloved blog. On the contrary - I missed writing.
However, busy times, kept me away.

But, I can't end a year without really recounting the highlights of the year that has gone by. And as we close another year, here is my take on my year that has gone by!

***

One month after I moved back to Delhi (which was 2 years back), my BFF announced that she was pregnant. I was immensely happy for her. Extremely sad for myself. The bombs of, your best friend is having a baby and you are not was about to explode. I was prepared at that time because, I was not 30, we had just moved and we were still trying to find our feet.
2016 came and went. My BFF had the cutest baby boy, lets call him Baby G. He is 1.5 years old now, and the assaults (yes, I'll use that term!) have only increased.

That is because, most of my friends and even my cousins who got married a year and two later than what we did planned their families and all, I have done this year is brought too many baby gifts, and attended a humiliating baby shower, and then a subsequent celebration of the baby once that baby was born.
A certain cousin of mine, who got married in 2009 (I think); also had babies this year. She had twin boys! And she was my only salvation, and salvo to the attack of the "Why No baby" bomb.

But here is a realisation that I had after all these people had babies- That their lives just stopped there. Or maybe began again.. (perspectives). My BFF complains that we don't meet often. She does not understand the fact that I can't really "meet-meet" her when she is at home (either her home or her parents' home), because her focus is only on Baby G, who is at the age of clinging to his mother. When we do meet out, it is for power lunches (where I step out of my office, and she drops Baby G to her Mom's for baby sitting). If there is a lunch other than on office days, then every 15 minutes she is accessing the nanny cams for checking in on Baby G.

It is the same with all other new parents around me, they are consistently busy with their babies, the whatsapp and facebook updates revolves around their babies all the time. Trying to find a time to meet them is a task.
And just like that, I am pretty friendless in the 2 years that I have moved.

Babies have become quite a touchy topic around our families as well. With cousins popping babies, even family functions have become a disdain. It is painful to hear the drones of the "WHY NO BABY" of the elders and every other being there.

My Mother thought that we moved back to Delhi because we were planning a family. She has been the most disappointed of the lot. My FIL is always disappointed in us, so I can't say whether he is more disappointed about the "No Baby" situation, or about any thing else that we did not live upto.

Husband's family (extended one that is) have also not spared us.

Last year has been one landmine after the other. Its like playing minesweeper in real life. Not only avoiding the baby bombs, but then trying to make light of the situation, and diffusing it off.

It is weird that this year, our identity has been mixed and nixed because we are the no baby people.

I came to realise, that right now the friends including the BFF, are so into their babies that even though we are close, there is a barrier that has been made. I am not the friend with whom you can discuss your child or your woes about that child, because I don't have one, and I won't *really* understand what you are going through.
I will never understand, your compulsion to check the baby monitor, and the obsession about "I want to buy abc/xyz for Baby G".

It is like a secret society, which you can see, but can't really be a part of. When friends become mothers, they only get busier for the next 20 years. First its the sleepless nights, then the clingy phase, then the schools, the homeworks, the projects, the exam. You can be the cool aunt, but they are just friends, and you are not family, so all the updates are latent, and all the conversations are about a million things that their child does, and about all that I am missing, because I am not Mom.

This year has been such a massive learning in this regard. And I am so disappointed with my own self for having expectations.

So here is hoping that in the coming year, there is more to talk about other than the babies! 

The World in 2016: Year End Saga (III)

The Government's deadline for the 50 days is coming to a close and while there are lines everywhere (yet again), the light at the end of the long tunnel is neither visible nor seems any bit closer. Today, while India coped with the ordinance that makes keeping of the old notes a criminal offence, the world in general is coping with the loss of two great artists- George Micheal and Carrie Fischer. 

2016 has been in general a year that has defied all logic, in all possible spheres of life, and not just here in India but all over the world. 

It has been a bad year. From Mohammad Ali to Fidel Castro to David Bowie to Carrie Fischer, some of the deaths had been in the offing, while others were just plain shocks. The New York Times says 

"The year 2016 saw the deaths of an unusually long list of political titans and sports icons, famous musicians and Hollywood greats"

On the other hand, as the whole world looked at America, the Americans (who call themselves progressive) proved otherwise and elected a business man, without any experience whatsoever, as their president. The world is still reeling under shock, and all they are hoping for is that the choice of Americans is right. The worst thing though in this election was the amount of interest and opinions that Indians had, on two presidential candidates, in a electoral system that they have no idea about.

Talking about opinions, 2016 has been a year of "trolls" and a lot of opinions. With each decision of the government creating ripples across the country, and affecting everybody without sparing the rod, the year saw too much of news, about the same issue, with no real concrete basis in the allegations. From the GPS tracker in the 2000 rupee note to why the PM is the best, and no one has any right to say anything against him, there were half baked, full baked and what not kind of opinions floating around all over social media.

Women of the world were aggressive about being heard, and while we had the bhoomata brigade fighting for gender equality in religious institutions, we also had the likes of Deepika and Priyanka taking over the international film/TV industry.

Another thing that had me cringing throughout the year was amount of cruelty that was being advertised on my timeline. The number of dog abuse and abandonment posts and news reports broke my heart several times and it made me wonder if we have shed whatever little was left of the humanity that we had?

As I write this, the news reports say that the PM will address the nation on 31st December, 2016, and I can only hope that he says things that benefit us, and not inconvenience us, again. His speeches have become like dictatorial orders creating panic.

All I hope is that when the new dawn in 2017 arrives, the world is filled with hope and happiness. I for one can't wait for 2016 to get over.

The Road to Self Discovery and Self Destruction: The Year End Saga (II)

I have been nothing sort of angry this year.

Ask the husband and he shall be happy to provide the proof.

The worst part of the whole me being angry thing is that I have no clue as to why am I angry. Okay, so not really. I know that there are various reasons why I am angry, upset and/or orritated almost all the time. But, what I don't know is, why am I heeding to the negativity of these things, and why can't I look beyond the obvious. Why can't I be a better person?

And guess what, that question right there, flares me up. It just fucks with my mind, because, ain't I a better person? No one is perfect, and neither am I.
But- am I not a better person already? I forgive, even when people walk all over me. I try to make everyone happy. I try to do everyone's bidding, and in all that, what I expect is truth, sincerity and love from those very people, I become the "not so better person" and then, this loop of "maybe I should be a better person" starts! And I get angry.

Then there is this whole baby issue, which is very intricately connected with a few other things that I can't really talk about here, but that also hits a raw nerve now and then, and then I am angry. Because, try as hard as I can, to curb the nonsensical thoughts that keep me on my toes, I just can't. I get anxious, because I don't get any answers, and then all I can think about is, how, our life is off track (till I read, some or the motivating memes/stories on facebook). The whole circle that it takes quite overwhelming and emotionally quite draining, and that makes me angry. And because this whole thing runs in my head, and spirals out of control, when I talk about it, I get angry because there is NO ONE who wants to understand me or guide me, or for that matter even sit and talk to me. So me struggling alone with the burden of this whole thing seems unfair. And thus I am angry.

I am angry generally at the world and at life, because things are just not falling in place. The amount of hiccups that have happened over the course of this year are enormous, and I can't seem to wrap my head around them. I have been so stressed this whole year, about something or the other, and that shows. In my general attitude, in the amount of effort that takes to infuse the happiness in me and the smile that stopped reaching the eyes long ago.

I know that I have issues. And that is something that I have agreed to, and have accepted. I also know that I need to work on all those things. But, I just keep wondering over and over again- Why am I so wrong? Do, only I have to really improve upon things?

As a gamut of emotions wash over me everytime I question myself, I feel more lost than ever.

And this year, I have been leading myself into a discovery to destruction pattern, over and over again, and I see no end in sight. Do I want to be less angry- Yes. Do I want be happier- Yes. However- Do I have to undertake this journey all by myself? Oh well, I don't know that! 

The "Demonitized" Winter: Year End Saga (I)

As the political will of a meglomaniac ruler of the largest democracy in the world unleashes the horror of worthless currency, and we are trying to make ends meet on the chillar that we have in our pockets.. the Winter has set in.

The last month of a very weird year is here and I have absolutely no clue as to how to react to this year end.

November this year marked the completion of 1 year since we have moved to Delhi, and things in the last year have changed drastically. Like, losing my grandmother, and the BFF having the cutest baby boy ever, and several of my girlfriends either getting pregnant or having babies.
Husband's friends too, having babies. We actually went to a baby function in Bangalore!

I had a lot more personal anguish this year, and while I have had several ideas to diffuse this anguish, my powers of procastination have over shadowed all the attempts that I had intended to undertake. I do want to break the mould in the coming year, I just don't how, as yet.

We travelled much less than what we would have liked to, but I cooked my heart out this year. Like really cook.

I think that I am batteling a weird mental state, where, I can't seem to go beyond the gloom and even when I am happy, I feel irritated. This is a new kind of me that I seem to be discovering this year. Ask the Husband and he would say that I have always been like this.

In just about 15 days the year will change, and I wonder, if the patterns will ever break? 

And its a WRAP : Year End Saga IV

I don't think that I'll be writing anytime soon. At least not till the year has turned again. I remember the year before, as December 31 was approaching, my heart was in my throat. We were planning a retirement party. We had just come back from an epic holiday, and while I was not looking forward to the year in general, I was at the back of my head anticipating some adventures.

I made the mistakes of anticipating adventures, and had the biggest one I could have ever imagined. Just as the year drew to a close, we moved to Delhi. I lost my grandmother within days of us moving to Delhi (the family thinks that Dadi was waiting to ensure that I was around, I of course feel that I wish she had helped in raising my kids (whenever that would have been)).
I learnt that despite giving clear instructions, when packers and movers come, you are always in a mess, and it is VERY important to separate the stuff of your landlord from your own.

I am in all honestly not in a celebratory mode. I miss my grandmother, who is gone, but mostly I miss my Husband who despite being around is just not there. So I have nothing really to look forward to in 2016. I am still in a bad job. There is no career movement at all from where I stand, and if things remain the way they are, I'll be thrown out soon as well. Yes, the year is not ending on a high. It is mostly ending on a note that is leaving me with way too much to desire and dreams that seem nothing but a mirage. Nevertheless, patience and perseverance they say pay. Eventually. One can hope.

So here is wishing you all the best in the coming year.

Tentative Steps: Year End Saga III

We are all victims of our own doings. Of the decisions that we take, and the repercussions of those decisions. Honestly, there is no one to blame.

This is one of the major lessons that I have learnt in this year. That there is NO one to blame, but your own self for the decisions that you take.

It was my own decision to not curb on my spending (s) when for two years we were in a house where we had to pay no rent. It would have been an easy (at least 10k a month, which would have translated into a substantial saving over the two years); but, to be really honest, I lost the plot. I do not know where all the money that I earned during the "rent free" period went. I do definitely remember getting a second job to "make the ends meet". Also, sometimes I feel that, some financial decisions could have been taken with more information. Like for example, as I write this, I just remembered that a certain personal loan was taken by the Husband at the time of the wedding, and instead of handing over the cheque of all the monetary gifts that we received during the wedding to the FIL, we could have paid off a part of the Personal Loan (or maybe not/ or we could have just put away that money in a bank account from where the loan money was being paid, so that we could have started out debt free? I don't know, but thinking about it in retrospect is a bad thing- messes with my brain). From each outing (whether its the dinners or outstation travels) to god only knows what, I know that those two years have been lost, and this year, all we did was to make the ends meet.
It is DAMN important to be able to rid yourself of debt crisis, and it weights you down to the extent of drowning. So, yeah, I have learnt the hard-way about the money. About the responsibility of each penny that is being spent.

I have learnt about procrastination. About, how good am I at putting everything off for the next day. I have learnt that I do not have the conviction to do many things. I don't feel the urge. I don't feel the need, and above all I think I have lost the passion to live. When you are trying to just get by life, you lose your willingness to actually strive. I am doing a job that pays. Something. It was my own decision to leave the law firm where I was working and struggle with in house positions, hence messing up with my career. I have become, untouchable in the job market, and when that is the case, you don't have passion, you just live by. One of the primary reasons for my leaving my secure law firm job was the travelling bit, the bit about not being able to give family time, without realizing the fact that I am not the only one who has to focus on the "family" thing. In any case, the Husband has always been more apt in the "family matters". I am neither apt. Nor good enough. Just because.

I have learnt about keeping shut, shoving things under the carpet and to look at bigger pictures. I have learnt about pretending that my eyes have something in it, when I tear up in office (because of something that has gone out of hand because of things that I say or do). I have learnt that I mostly do not make any sense, and that therefore, I am always mostly wrong.

I have learnt that each and every word, each and every action has a reaction, has a consequence. It just pushes you beyond your measure of being. I have learnt that neither anger nor tears help, but putting aside something that you felt was wrong, and always remembering the good over the bad helps in keeping things in semblance. And, I have come to realise that there are some problems that just cannot be solved. Sometimes it is your own self stepping back, letting go and shelving fights that are important to keep things and relationships intact. I have realised, and am learning the art of finding happiness by keeping the rest happy. 

The Saga of Death: Year End Saga (II)

I just did not want to write another post about death.
Death is about loss, something that I had experienced a lot (losing my loved ones, one after the other) and I had hoped that it would be a long time before this happened again.

To be fair, it was more than 10 years. It has been me who has been trying to hold time, and hoping that time doesn't affect me.

My grandmother (Dadi), the glue of my family left us for heavenly abode last week. It has been a tremendous loss to our family and while we know and understand that she was almost 85, that she had seen and lived her life fully, the emptiness of not having her around to constantly remind us to have breakfast, or to wake up, or in general being snarky is going to take a lot of time to get used to.

While we were just getting out of this shock, we received the news of my father's childhood friend just collapsing while on a walk. He was in Australia and he was not very old.

While we cope with our loss, we are also made to think, and made to realise how precious life is, that how important it is to let go of our egos and hold on to the things that just make us angry.

It is so important that we think about what is it that we would want in our life, whether it is accumulation of wealth or accumulation of loving relationships, with family and friends that would last us beyond our days of partying and drinking.

Dadi has left behind a family that is cohesive but also pretty fragile. Our inner strengths and power plays are going to be tested, and eventually (mostly willfully) some of us would have to compromise on the behaviour of the other. It is a long road ahead, and all of us can only hope.

The lessons in life, often, are not restricted to life alone. Even in death the wise leave behind the lessons that we most hold on to. 

Winter is Coming: The Year End Saga

This Saga Starts again.
After a hiatus of about an year, I re start the report on the year that has gone by.

This year has been extremely interesting.
I have travelled, from one end of Mumbai to the other. With the amount of travelling that constituted each of my day (on an average 60 kms a day), I would have probably seen more of the world than the slums of Mumbai.

I have learnt several other hard lessons this year. The most important being the ones related to making the wrong career decisions, about money (or the lack of it), about loving my Dog, and missing my husband, about learning to enjoy personal walks in a city where the personal space is no bigger than where the peak of your nose is.

This year has been about a lot of churning. About how time waits for none, and about, how you think and perceive about the time that has gone by.

This year has also made me learn about Friends and Friendships. And that thing about "out of sight is out of mind". I learnt about, how good friends just move. Move away, and then they are different. And even though we will pick up from where we left, there are very few friendships that stick by you despite the distance.
I found a friend and a confidant in the most unexpected person ever. And, though he is Husband's BFF, the discovery of our ease with each other now ensures that I disturb him at the most in appropriate times.

There were other revelations as well, like, how I always felt that my parents need to really grow up and let go, and how I had thought that post marriage, they had.. well that is not true. Parents, are always that. And surprisingly, while my Dad is becoming rigid in terms of change, it has been my Mother, who is slowly learning to let go. Slowly being the key word. [She has accepted the Dog in the house, albeit only under strict supervision and guidelines, but they are a few meters apart, and are in peace with each other.. or so I hope]. There is a thirst of adventure that has taken over my Mom, and the fact that she wants to live the grand life through us is slightly unnerving, but then I need to show her things, refine her taste, and maybe in the whole scheme of things get her satisfaction quotient up a bit more.

The lessons in love and marriage never cease. It is amazing that even when you live with someone day in and day out you find something new about your partner, on an average in about every 2 odd days. For husband and me, it has been almost 11 years of being together, and he still doesn't take the hints. He still doesn't realise that I am on my phone most of the time, after I see that he is more interested in his! Or for that matter, the fun of watching a TV Series for me is watching it together with him, and for him it is, watching it as soon as it is out. So, yeah, finding the new things..


If there is a reason as why things happen, and so on and so forth, then I really hope to God, that three years after the first round of over haul, when we are back to the NCR, things change for the better for us. No, they were not bad in Mumbai. But yes, they can be better. Career-wise for both us, family wise, and of course general happiness wise.

As, I end this post, in anticipation to the next few ones about the year that flew by us, it has just rained outside, and while I know a certain friend of mine who also moved back to Delhi after a hiatus is going to curse the spell of rain, I see that the Winter is Coming! 

The 2013 Closure Report

I think that everytime I write the year end post, it amazes me to no end that the year has ended and on the hindsight, I wonder wow, so much has happened in this year. And I survived.

The emotion does not change.

This year by far has been the MOST difficult year for me, in terms of both personal as well as professional growth. I was trying very hard to juggle between the roles of being a wife, daughter, daughter in law, sister, friend and a mom.  Most often than not, I lost my sanity. And, after a lot of deliberations and considerations, I decided that I need therapy. And, so, I got into counseling.

That has been the most valuable lesson to me in the entire year. That I am a human being and I am VULNERABLE. It is very hard for us as humans, especially for a person like me to accept that there are faults within the being of who you are and that it has to corrected. “Living in denial” probably holds true for me, and I guess one of the biggest achievements for me has been to realize that. Of course, I am working towards a new me but, it is a work in progress.. I am not perfect and I don’t intend to be either.

Another thing that I learnt this year was the impact of a “toxic environment” at work and the fact that it is the people who make the organization. I changed two jobs in this year. I left the law firm. I joined a corporate and now I am finally at a place where they appreciate my work  at work and the fact that it is the people who make the organization. I changed two jobs in this year. I left the law firm. I joined a corporate and now I am finally at a place where they appreciate the fact that people work and have a life outside work and I belong in a team (I have always complained that I don’t have a team that I belong to, and finally I am a part of team in a big organization, not a float resource).

2013 taught me to value money. I am very materialistic to say the least. And, I hate spending on things that one need not spend on. At one point this year, I had two jobs. And I hate to say this but I took up the second one because I wanted more money. It was something that I did like. But really like so much that I had to had to do it. It was being a recruitment consultant in a recruitment firm for their legal clients. Imagine the pinch I felt when I talked to these well placed lawyers younger to me or my age with my kind of experience earning atleast 5 times more than me. I know how much I have cried on those days.  Peace is an emotion I seldom felt during the last year.

I was like a ship. Struck in a big storm, and then losing my way completely.

 

2013 also taught me the value of friends. The best friend got married in all fan fare possible. And even though I reached about 4 days before the actual events began, I was totally engulfed in the preparations that went haywire. It was an experience that I would always cherish.

In Mumbai here, I think I have found a crazy friend, who is like me. Loves to chat and have coffee. Loves her diamonds and knows the art to chill. She was my accidental friend. We met on the Mumbai local. And rest like they say is history. She has helped me keep my preserve my sanity too.

Husband and I have loosely formed a group. And, I have thrown enough parties in this one year to make sure that we remain hooked to meeting each other.

 

2013 has made into a traveller. Husband is of course to be credited for that. We have explored the interiors of Maharashtra, made Goa into familiar holiday spots and realized that we both love to drive and take the trains rather than zip zap zooming in an airplane. Amongst the many resolves this one is gonna be my top priority .. to travel and see the world.. or atleast see the world that is around me.

 

My love for dressing up has increased, and I have come to realize that I need not wait for “occasions” to get ready and/or dressed. Each day is an occasion in itself and that I should look good.

 

2013 revealed to me that husband is going to be a great dad and I am an impatient mum. Sugar, bought what was lacking in our relationship. She bought a sense of being a family to just US!

 

2013 taught me about love. It taught me, how important it is that my husband wakes me up from my sleep just to turn me around so that he can put his arms around me and sleep. Of little things and bigger fights and of loving each other each day and wanting to kill each other each day. Marriage is nothing but a bunch of contradictions.

 

Whilst 2013 is coming to an end I realize that it was a cake walk. It was about eye opening , about love, friendships, and learning to be a family.

2014, I know for sure is going to be a lot more difficult in terms of life and coming to terms with life. All I can hope is that, the patience and the love continues to favour me and that I am able to cope with life as it comes.

 

Happy New Year.. Everyone ...!!!

Dear 2013...

Hello.
Lets just be a little truthful here, and tell you that I am not very happy that you arrived.

Your predecessor, was a much more exciting year, and you my friend, are the hard hitting reality that I was shielded from for the last 26 years.
I know I have had really bad years. Years where I have cried myself to sleep on the New Years' Eve, have been angry at the world kinds New Year Eve's and even drunk out of my wits and talking absolute nonsense kind of New Years' Eve.

But when I had to Welcome YOU, I was scared.
I still am scared and antsy about you. Restless at the fact that while life has taken a turn, the road ahead seems all hazy.

BUT,
I am still hopeful. I look back and realize that I have survived what I thought were the worst times that I could ever get, so, I may just survive one of the many "New" New Years, that are yest to come.
I am still holding on to the belief that the newest phase and chapter of my life ain't gonna be that bad, and that you will by the end of it make me wonder, why in the world was I soooo antsy about you in the first place!

So here is to a lot of New, in the NEWEST year of my life in lot of ways!

Cheers!

The official round up of the YEAR 2012: Part II

So this year was about Change.

Change in the relationship status.
Change of the city.
Change of the office space and that of the bosses.

Above all I think there was major overhaul in the way how I had perceived life, and what it really came down to be.
Not that I have been any less cranky, but, yes, I too have finally learnt to mask my emotions, control my rage and change my ever snobbish attitude to the one of "adjust mani". Though the Husband would disagree, I still believe that I have changed. A lot.

And it is not only me, the entire year, with the people around me the trend has that been of change.
My father became a slight bit cooler about letting me party and letting my hairdown, and rest of the world started treating me on a different level. I don't know if it is the "Grown up" level as yet or not.

The Husband's changed too.
There is a major attitude shift. I think I am going to reserve my judgment about whether the same is good or bad.

The world in general, was striving to change. Or maybe that is what I thought.

 I think I have become a different person altogether, and I am yet to find out if I like the "New Me" better. (In some corner of my heart, I still wish that I remain as I was, and Life goes on!!)

Change they say is the only Constant in life. So be it!

The official round up of the YEAR 2012: Part I

And we are back to the end of a very eventful year.
It is unbelievable that 2012 is coming to an end. Do I want this year to end?
I don't think so.
As a matter of fact, if given a chance, I would like to rewind the year, and just stop time right say, in January. But like they say, time waits for none, the year has passed and a new one awaits.

This year was about... Weddings

Photo credit (https://www.facebook.com/ishanphotography)

Trust me, it was just about Weddings (yes in plural). I got married. One of the best friend got married. The other best friend, P, has finally broken her silence at home and told her parents about her intentions to get married to her long time boyfriend.
There were 5 others apart from me in office (Delhi office) and at least two to three others (in Mumbai office) who got married this year.
There were other acquaintances and mostly 50 odd percent of my facebook friend list that got married.
So, if I say that this year was about weddings, it sure was.

Starting January itself, when we (as in the family) had come to attend a cousin's wedding and fix mine up, all we talked about the entire year till I got married (which was the fag end of the year) was clothes, jewelry, decorations, dances and food. Not only for my wedding but also discussed about same for the cousins and the friends weddings.
I have never looked at so many clothes in my entire life. Each dress, saree, suit was looked at with a critical eye, and it was wondered if at all the same could be replicated to suit our needs.
Each weekend was a shopping trip to one market or the other, and if not shopping, then dance practices, and if not either, then there were the trips to tailor or P that were scheduled.

Looking back, I am cherishing each and every day of the preparations and fights and the arguments. I think one of the best lessons that I learnt in all of the hoo hopla was that;

However hard you try, however much time you have in your hands, you are always running around at the last minute trying put the details together.  

Dear 2011...

Dear 2011,

I remember penning down my hopes and my prayers in the little red diary that I took with me to Mumbai, last year. I also remembering crying myself to sleep on my much deserved vacation, because I did not want to come back. I just want to live like I am on a holiday and that there is nothing else in life, but that holiday.

But most of all, I remember, jotting down the hope that I had from you and here on this blog page, I wrote:
"Hoping and Praying that this year brings with itself, happiness, success, wealth & health to all of you!
And above all, I pray that this year bring with itself, Faith and belief in the ability of loving others and ourselves."
2010, turned out to be one 'hell' of a year and I really needed some semblance of my little heaven with me for a little while. And I must say that you have not been disappointing in that aspect.
Actually, I wanted to grade you through and through the year in loads of categories, I had as a matter of fact written the entire post down in my mind, but that never really translated into words.

So I finished a quarter of my life. A huge phase of my life got over, just to kick start another. And you know what, just like I started the teens, when I quit the whole big party scene, this time also, I decided, enough throwing parties.. spending time with the people who matter the most.

Yes, I know that I did not grow any wings on turning 25, but I think that I learnt some very important lessons which I would like to keep for life. I am recounting them here, so that I can back to this whenever I feel lost about life and hope:

- About office & colleagues: I remember how happy I was about the people I worked with. But after the merger of the law practice with the big law, firm and me going there and rest of them staying there, and later the cold shouldering leading to the revelation of their evil plans to get me out of the way taught me that, there are no friends and friendships in an office. Yes, you can be helpful. You can be nice to each other, but holding your heart out on your sleeves for the people who can take advantage of all of that is a bad idea. It is good to have a great rapport with your colleagues at work but being superficial is the best bargain.

- About expectations:  Of course, this being the whole wedding year, considering that I have just been attending weddings through and through, the deal breaker in the entire thing was, that my bua, while mentioned all her friends who had come from all over the world to attend her son's wedding forgot to mention the name of her nieces, who ran all over the city to help put the wedding together. I know, that we are family, but a word or two of appreciation in front of the entire crowd, would have made me really happy. There is nothing wrong to expect, but then, you should be prepared for the hurt that you may get!

- About Friends & Friendships: I think that the most beautiful relationship is that between the friends. I rediscovered a lot of my friendships whilst making new ones. Somehow, the virtual world gave me another great friend Sharmaji (of Whatthefuckisgoingon blog). About rediscovering friendships, I think, friendship is about knowing and understanding what the other person is trying to say, irrespective of the distance between them. Therefore, I would like to mention here;
Kashvi- I have not really spent time with her. I just forced her to have dinner with me on her birthday! :) But I have heard that she is planning on to make it a point to meet one friend a week. I think I will adopt that resolution too!
Su: The busy mommy! However, I know that I have whatsapped her like at real odd hours, and she has nothing but the best to tell me- Always!
Harshita: Now, she has the knack of disappearing, but of late she has been around more often, normally writing about the things that matter the most, and sometimes not that much!
TUIB's: Sadi, doctor sahiba! I think, I can read her, and see her smile and OMG- Her cultural upbringing is AWESOME!
Then there is my COW, who randomly pings me, when ever she has a minute! I think that I had the most fun when I met her in Moo-mbai :) She has been one hell of a support system back in Mumbai!
Of course, there is Chandni, meri Chandni! Who incidentelly turns out to be connected to me through my younger sister! Talk about the world being strong.
Then the two idiots chud buds Pjs and VY, who have the atrocity to call me at quarter of 10 in the night, when I am half sick and drag me out of my rajai in these cold winters to just have a random chat!

I have learnt that, you don't have to be present 24x7 in the lives of your friends! You just have to be there, because you are friends and that there is a life that they lead apart from you and you also have a life beyond them. And there is NOTHING to feel about that!
*Of course PJ calls me and offers to build me a sleeping place at work!!*

-About 'Downloading from Torrent': I have finally discovered the of downloading the episodes and seasons of my favorite series (english mind you) and then get stuck to the laptop to watch it all. The lesson I have learnt is, that, you have to always move forward with the times, and learn to take risks. I used to be super finicky about using a P2P software, lest it spoils the computer.
But you have to take risks in life. Like it or not!

- About Jealousy: Look at the work Jealousy properly, and you will realise that it has the work 'lousy' in it. And I learnt, that you can either be happy about your life or miserable about your own life because of someone else's life. It took me constant conscious work and I am still working on it- But every time I get sad about someone else having more fun than me- I just remind my self about my own blessings and remind myself, that my happiness is about me and not someone else!

- About rediscovering love: Random conversations. Fights. Not talking to each other. Getting flustered. And, in coping up with our loss, bf and I somewhere, have discovered our comfort zone of being with each other and of loving each other. Not the intense, sexually charged love/lust, but just the fact that we are there with each other. You know, last year, when we were coping with relationship crisis, he had promised me that he will get my smile back- the original 'sakshi smile' and he did! That is the best gift that I got in 2011!

Life in general also, was mostly a roller coaster this year. It was about growing up, both professionally and personally. It was about coping with loss and rediscovering the love that I have for life in general. For some weird reason, FB was flooded with all the 'Happy Go lucky' sort of pictures and messages, that infused a very positive thought in you. And, I also decided to do it all. One way or the other. To live my life on my terms also, and not just on the terms of office alone. And, I have to tell you, 2011, that the whole idiom that keeps on propping up- 'Whatever happens, happens for good' really made it's presence felt!

In one wink, I can relive the entirety of what you were. And, yes, I am bidding bye bye to you, because, I want to open my eyes in the new year, with new hopes and a renewed sense of relief, that Belief and Faith are not just two words in the dictionary, that they do work wonders when you push yourself with their backing to make the wonders work for you!

Thank you for being the year that you were. You will be remembered, for all the reasons, bad and good, but trust me when I say that, you will always be etched in the hearts of the people as the year, wherein people and power became one, where India got the Cricket World Cup, where F1 came to India and where we lost and found treasures of the world!

Lots of love,
Me!

Dear Santa..

It is the last half an hour before the Christmas ends. The super lazy me, and the super busy weekend that it was * Considering that it was my mother's birthday today and I sorta asked her friend to organize a BBQ, while I spent time with my darling BF*, I could not write this post earlier.
But never late than never.

Here is wishing all of you A very Merry Christmas! May God bless you all with lots of love, peace and happiness :).

And since Christmas is incomplete without a Santa Claus, so here is a little letter to Santa. *You know, I am still the kid when it comes to writing to the santa*

Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas!! 
Now considering that lot of people call y bf 'Santa', after shortening his name, and that he has a nice paunch too, you are still the BEST Santa ever :) 
And, even though I am not a kid, and I did not write you a wish list, you still made this Christmas really special for me. 
I have always loved Christmas, and it is very special because it is my mum's birthday, but this year, playing Santa *The secret santa in office, where I played santa to one of my colleagues and made the whole lot of effort to make the card and pack the gifts*, I realised the joy of giving. Of making people go all, WOW! at the gifts, wishes and pleasant surprises that are given to them. 
I now, understand why you are such a jolly fellow. 
For so many years, there have been debates about whether you are real or you are not, but I have always believed in you, and have never been let down. 
Each Christmas, there is a present waiting for me, to make me smile. And the best part is, that, that present may not be a materialistic thing, but, it is there. Just for me.
So thank you. *I am hoping that you have become tech savvy and read blogs!*
Thank you for making this Christmas so merry for me! :)


Yours,
Me.

This Year was about... "grief and loss"

There is a silly joke that is doing rounds of the internet now days is

"Dear God, 
Your love for Films (Shammi Kapoor & Dev Anand), Music (Jagjit Singh & Bhupen Hazarika) & Technology (Steve Jobs) is now beyond all doubts.
May we suggest that you take keen interest in Politics too"


And how true is it. It seems that this year the profoundness of death touched each one of us in many ways. The fact that no one is invincible was reminded to us over and over again this year.
We lost the best in every field, from the guy who added the 'i' to the technology, to  a path breaking painter, a rock star- a life cut short.
The Ghazal King, the one person who made the song on the holy Ganges like an anthem.
And if it was not the famous that were dying, it was mother nature making us all realise that there are so many things other than the petty things in life.

The nature stuck in all it's might. Shaking the every day lives of the every day people.

This year, I know that I have re learn't the lesson of live. All over again. 

This Year was about... "Inqlaaab"

Zindabaad!!

And social media played the all important role in making sure that things and issue become viral even before the people who uttered a few words could close their mouths to take the next breath.
I can totally understand why Mr. Kapil Sibal is so worried about the content that goes online. *I do not support him in his cause, I believe in freedom of speech and expression*

The thing about social media is, that even though last when people were crying foul over the whole common wealth games and all, this year, thanks to social media concrete action has been taken by people, and not only that, 'Riyaasten bhi giri' from the 'Revolution' in Egypt to the killing of Gaddafi and Bin Laden, not only has social media highlighted the problems, but has also become a platform for solid and educated discussions.

Whereas the world saw the entire middle eastern and the muslim states undergo a huge radical change, because of people, back at home also, the power of the people is at it's full force.

From Mr. Hazare, who ignited a small little 'chingari' against corruption, caught fire like a dry piece of wood on a really hot day would. And, again there were discussions all over the world both the real and virtual,about who what and why of Mr. Anna Hazare. And, like it happens in India, the cause got diluted over the egos of the politicians, it eventually did fizzle out!
But, the message of power of the people, went loud and clear to all the politicians. And trust me, I just wish that 'We the People of India' move beyond the pettiness that we keep fighting over,and actually stand together for a real cause.

The year gone by, has shook the people in power, because they are a minority, and has made them realise that, the world order is slowly changing. And change, it shall.
Because, like they say, 'Waqt acha ho ya bura, badalta zaroor hai!!'
**********************************************************************************
PS: The last post with the pictures..one of them is the bf and one of them is me. *I am going to still keep you guessing who is who* But the babies in both the pictures have such an uncanny resemblance that when I first saw the pictures together, I was like- 'OMFG', how can that be! 


UPDATED TO ADD: I have to read all the pending posts of ze fellow bloggers, but my computer has gone kaput again, and my sister is not kind enough to share hers. So pardon the delay!
*Sis in the bathroom when I am writing this*

This Year was about... "Weddings"

Another wedding post.
But this one takes us back into the past.
Since we are reminiscing the year gone by, it cannot be complete without talking about weddings!!!

I mean that was the FIRST big news of the year, on the very first day of the year. Rewinding a little bit more, I remember going to a New Year Party, where I was flirting with some random guy, whose name I do not remember. But I do remember that, it was a big group of gujju couples, and trust me- Gujju women, well, they drink and their men they flirt. Even in front of their wives!
Any ways, so after dancing the whole night and hitting the bed only at 6 am, I managed to miss the big wedding announcement that my brother made.. about getting married to his long time gf!
And, wham, the trend of the year was set.
The entire year, all I did was to hear about a dozen or so people getting married, with a realization, that time has just flown away. That, there was a time, when I was actually looking forward to, and thinking ahead of being a grown up,attending a friend's wedding,my brother's wedding.. all of it was a just a future that was yet to happen.
And when it did, it was weird at first. Then it became the hectic pace, the sole reason for all of planning for the entire year. And the trend continues. In the coming year or two, there would be 'couples'. In a breath, life has taken a leap.
I know, that I am entering the New Year, with loads more cousins getting married. HECK, my cousin is getting married in the first week of January!
So, now you know that there are gonna be loads of posts about weddings and marriages.. as I look forward to the year ahead! :D

It is the 'Year END'..

And now that we have established that I can have an alternative career as a 'Wedding Planner', I can breathe a sigh of relief!
Someday,may be, some where I will realise this dream too! :)
I can't thank you all enough for the encouragement that you all have given me in my previous post!

So, it is December already.
Time flies.
And this year, from day one has been, a journey of self discovery, of lovely surprises, and losses which were beyond our own hands. This year shall be remembered on one hand for the fond memories and the exhaustion that it caused me, and on the other hand, it will be remembered for the sorrows.. but most of all it shall be remembered for lessons in life that are learn't through experiences.

And, of course, the world also underwent a huge change.
And all shall be discussed in the 'Year end saga', where I shall try and bid good bye to this year, with as much gutso, as I welcomed it. And embrace the New Year, with as much hope as I can muster.

Happy End to a Happy-Sad- Overwhelming Year!

Awards!!!!!

Dear lovely readers of the blog, I have seen a lot of blogs, read a lot of blogs, and have been appreciated and loved by my fellow blog friends and blogrolled friends. I have also been awarded a couple of blogs (please see side bar of the page) and this year particularly, I have had the MOST support, love and above all friendship of all the people who have shared their blog world with mine. Therefore, I want to pass on some awards to the people who make sure that I continue to love this page and love them!!

PS: I dunno, how to do those fancy badges. So I am just going to try really hard and put the pictures of the awards that I am giving away! (The Name of the awards I gave and the pictures are a little different, but get the drift!!)
So let us start the Award function!!

1. "Wise CRACKED"- This award goes to 'Sorcy'!! I have never read the kind of wisecracks that he writes... then there is gyaan in his own unique style of writing- The teachings and the lesson if you ever follow- The result well maybe more hilarious than what is talked about there. I have always laughed my head off reading his blogs! So to sorcy and his sense of humour! It kept me going!

2. "Soul Sisters"- Have you ever felt comforted even by the silence of the person sitting next to you? Especially if that person is a friend and has come all the way to meet you and catch up! But just having her around makes me feel like I know that she knows and doesn't bother with too many questions. Of course, she also my drama queen, and life would have been a mess had she not been around. Thanks, Kashvi!

3. "Sense & Simplicity"- Writing is all about being able to express yourself the way you want- And that is exactly what Banupriya does. She writes exactly what she feels. In her way. I rediscovered the philosphy of being the simpleton thanks to you!

4. "Guest Appearance"-  And this award goes to the crazy cow- Yeah you guessed it right Ms. Moo herself. The super busy gal, writes out of the moon- literally!
The third person sharing this award is Ms. Shalini. She has just taken off and has not written in like a million years!
Girls- I like to read you- Please WRITE!

5. "Word Weaver"- She mostly does not write fiction, but when she does it is OMG! Chanz is probably the only blogger who is of my age here and she is so awesome at creating the plot and then creating that unexpected ending!! Love it!
This award also goes to Aniruddha, he has a knack of writing 55 words or less, I am a HUGE fan. And of late he has been giving us the glimpse of the budding poet in him! :)

6. "Find of the Year"- This award goes to Suruchi! She writes like she owns the world, I have never ever read or heard (yeah, I know her off-line too, get J now!) anyone who is as outrageous and as outspoken as  her with her head firmly on her shoulders. She is a magical woman to be around.... !!






7. "I love this Blog"- Uncle J's- Because sometimes the perspectives have to change! You need to see and realise the other side of the story as well!
Bikramjit- I love the rawness that his blog has. Plus, he often writes about issues that I love having heated discussion about. I have often been the Devil's advocate there! ;P

8 "Musical Paradise"- I have not yet figured how to do the badges and her blog has the best English music recommendations as blog posts. Ms. BloodyMary- The music fanatic! :)

9. "Anti- Thesis"- See, I am going to be a little bias on this one- because well, this goes to Shayon! (now you know why I said about the bias!) I learnt (and not in the nicest of the ways) about the darkest form of writing from this guy. He hits you with his sarcasm where it hurts the most. Moulds your own words and thoughts against you, and does exactly opposite of what 'norms' are! His writings are/ were the chaat masala in my daily dull life, now I have to satisfy myself with the 'Tweets'. But that does not mean that he is not nice, when he is in the nice mood, he writes in a way more tender than the flower!

I really hope that you all enjoy your awards and continue to be the wonderful people that you are! Thank you!

I am so angry!

For the last couple of days, I have been nothing but angry. I have been snapping like there is no tomorrow, and I have been extremely mad at everything.
From the daily mundane activities to the plans that go haywire any which ways, I have been plain angry. I have been trying to figure out what is it that is making me so snappy... and even though I tried so hard, there is no explanation as to what is making me so so angry.

The worst thing being- that there is hardly a week for this dumb year to end, and I really want that the next year is a better, much much better beginning and continuation of the things that have gone surprisingly wrong this year. I don't want to enter the New Year, the new decade with no peace within myself at all. I don't want to be angry, sad, despising myself or hating the world around me.

I think, I am looking for that one little thread, of hope and faith that all is not lost and that there is some sanity left in me. That there is more to life than the worst things that I have been thru this year.
I am restless and cranky.
And I am tired of being that.
I know that there is so much more to life than being angry about the things that don't matter, but, there is something in me that is ready to explode.. it is choking me.. and has become that nagging feeling which refuses to leave me.. and is no even letting me go!!!!!

*Breathing* *Deep Breathing* and hoping to calm myself down!!!