Malaise

dissatisfaction/dɪssatɪsˈfakʃn/
noun
lack of satisfaction.
"widespread public dissatisfaction with incumbent politicians"
synonyms: discontent, discontentment, disappointment, disaffection, disquiet, unhappiness, malaise, disgruntlement, frustration, vexation, annoyance, irritation, anger, exasperation, resentment;

Dissatisfaction stems from failure. It stems from a feeling of emptiness that engulfs you when you are unable to talk about what you feel, and when you are unable to deal with your life crisis in a dignified manner. It stems from the fear of failure. It starts at the level of gnawing. When you see someone get that job you hoped that you would get; when you see your own classmate (from school or college) doing so very well for itself and you start to evaluate your own performance against them. 

It starts as jealousy (which is lousy) and then slowly like a disease it spreads. At a first stage treatment, you are mostly in denial mode. You are like, so what, you need to see the bright side of things. And for a while you even do. And then, you see, someone, who was behind you in class in all the ways possible, and *boom* that hits you hard. Your self esteem (especially all the hard work through college, falls flat; what happened to hard work in college reap benefits etc?) goes for a toss. But you are still hopeful (after all, what is life w/out any hope?). But, then, instead of walking forth, life hands you a bunch of cards that you can't bluff with nor can you gamble with. 

And then you are stuck. Or you appear to be stuck. This is the second stage of the disease. 

It is when you are stuck in the second stage, you stop rationalising. You stop wondering, and you forget that each one is fighting some battle or the other. 

This is the stage when you actually sit and analyse each decision that you have made in life and wonder, where is it that you have gone wrong??? What is it that you did not do? Appease the right Gods or the right people. 

And, this, my dear friends leads us to the third and the final stage of this disease, where, you have analysed all the decisions of your life and have wondered and imagined all the possible "what if" scenarios and really can't find where did you go wrong. This is the stage when you become uncertain of all the decisions (major or minor) that are to be taken by you. The virus of malaise like a weed sucks out all your confidence and happiness. You are only kept wondering, why is the other person happier than you? That, why is your life stuck, and that, whether to wake up next morning to go to work is as much of a hard work or as easy as it gets. You can't appreciate all the good around you. hell you can't even be happy for the person that you love. The other symptoms include feeling low all the time; self pity; procrastination; low (lowest) self esteem and confidence and more severe cases nothing (and when I say noting, it means NOTHING x infinity) can ever make you happy. Crying becomes a part of your routine (even when on the face of it, you look like you are not crying in the heart, you are howling in pain and emptiness) and you question everything, including the destiny that is often talked about in the self help books.. you are direction-less and mostly angry or zombie like.

They are very few people, okay there may be a lot of people who are satisfied with their lives and maybe a tiny bit dissatisfied with some parts of it. But, if one of the major parts of your own self, of your own being is dissatisfied with something that is akin to your identity, then it becomes really difficult to appreciate the good things and be happy for the people in your life. 

The disease of Malaise is a very very severe problem, to be dealt with extreme love, care and patience. You have been forewarned!

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!

This is Marriage.. for you!

After a slew of depressing posts about, how things are after the Shaadi, and how dreams are being bartered, and all of that, I thought, why not write a post reinstating the faith in a relationship called marriage. After all one has to find that glass with water which is half full and all that..

The inspiration for this post came from Su's Tumbling Thoughts to World (it is almost like old times) and so here it goes:

The Husband and I have been married for a little around 2.5 years; and we have been together for more than a decade. But the deal is, being together and dating is a completely different ball game than being married. And, believe me when I tell you that, people change after marriage.

And, I have figured why does this happen, or so I hope (I am just trying to be helpful here).. So once you get married.. the Shit becomes real.

All of a sudden, you become adults and you have to take the decisions that matter and that impact your life. You can't just pick up a pair of shoes at random (unless of course you are uber rich), or for that matter any indulgence just start looking like that: An indulgence.
You are constantly thinking either food or money.
And, if you are not thinking about those two things then you are definitely thinking about the house hold help (trust me, even if you are uber rich, you can't escape this one!!).

All of your decisions have a tangible result, which will either be before you in a short period of time or which will eventually impact you.
So, now think about this:
When you know, and understand and learn with experience that all your actions will have some kind of tangible repercussions, you  grow up.

And, when you grow up, you change.
You start hanging out with a different set of friends, you would probably thinking healthy over binge, and yes, your career choices also get affected.
And trust me, when you are staying with your in laws, then there is a different lifestyle issue that you have to face!
Like it took me a little over 2 years to actually start wearing a swim suit around my FIL. (Yeah that sound weird, but, if I have to go swimming, then I have to wear a swimsuit.. right?? So, not like, I am wearing a bikini and roaming around the house sorts!!). It was quite difficult on family holidays, because Husband would insist and I would always reject his idea.. (and I am all for women power).

You make a hell lot of adjustments .. but at the end of the day, when you crawl into the bed with the one person, your spouse, you realise that it is worth it.
When you hug your spouse, and make love, and you know, that despite the fights, the tantrums and all that jazz, the next morning, that one person is always going to be there for you, despite your ownself, that is the kind of security, a good marriage gives you.

Like Su says, just look for that right thing in your better half (or your worst half) and you are set for life. Like, I know, that despite everything, in the middle of the night, if I wake up, I am on one tiny little corner flanked by the person I love the most, making sure that I don't fall.

This is marriage for you!

Time- Hop Hop Hop

There are things that I want to write. 

I start composing a post in my head, and by the time I sit down, tackle the laziness, and open my blog page to finally write, I would have forgotten the issue that I wanted to write about. 

I have also forgotten the thrill that blogging use to bring to me, the friends that would comment and the long long discussions that have happened on this blog. 

Things have changed, people have changed and in the last three odd years, I too have changed. Whenever, I go see the memories on Facebook (yeah, you have that feature on facebook) or for that matter on Timehop (yeah, there is an app too for that!!), I wistfully smile, thinking about the past. The good times, the frustrations, and the future that I had imagined for myself. 

Is it the same? 

When I sit back and think about that, I believe that each of our actions mould the future that we will have. You can't really overthink about how things ought to happen. 

Because, when life happens, all your plans fall apart. 

You need some real magic to be able to stay on the track that you have in your mind imagined. And, twist of fate, like they call, is always a challenge to conquer. 

I can timehop into the past thanks to all the memories, but can't hop into the future, because each day is different than what you have imagined. Now and always! 

Celeberating being a Woman?

Disclaimer:

The thoughts below are that of the author and are not intended to defame anyone. This post has been written as a reaction to the current events, and being a woman, the author is angry and pained. If you are a sensitive reader, discretion is advised.

***********************************************************************************

As we come closer to this weekend, we are once more made to realize that we (read as women), are an important part of the society. We are beautiful. We are talented. We bear children. We are affectionate. We laugh. We take care of the family. We empathize.

Ironically, we are also raped, made victims of acid attacks, domestic abuse and unnecessary fatwas (from all regions/ religions/ casts and creeds) for being all of the above.

Congratulations, it is the International Women’s Day. And, you will be celebrated, for one whole day by the world, thanking you for all that you have and then, everything will become the same. Actually, it is the day to celebrate because of the corporate events, and because of the glorification of the values of the “west” (or so it is said), otherwise, for any other Indian woman, it is just another day.

It is just another day of rape, abuse and more fatwas.

An international director producer, decided, that in honour of the rape victims, and in honour of every woman who deserves her right on the body, and her freedom to express herself, by being herself,  she would make and release a documentary, where she has interviewed the rapists and has exposed what goes through their perverted minds as they force themselves upon helpless, sometime brave (like Nirbhaya) women.

And, the one man, who has shown no remorse is the rapist, Mukesh Singh, who while facing a death row (which unfortunately is in appeal) . He continues to blame that 23 year old girl, who was returning from a movie with a friend (who was a male). The Juvenile, a 17 year old so called “boy”, along with the six others decided that it is their “moral” duty to teach that girl who is out with a boy at 9 pm a lesson. So, they rape her. They maul her. And he says- That they raped her because they wanted to teach her a lesson, and they mauled her because she resisted and fought back.

And now that we know what he thinks, our own parliamentarians cannot face it. The cowards that they are, shielding themselves by providing reasons like “chowmien for rapes”, have banned this documentary from airing. I wonder, what scares them?

Is it the fact, that finally, a part of the masses will know the truth. That finally, we know what they think. And not just them, but what the male mentality is. Yes, I am generalizing. But, I can’t help it. There are people (yes, including the men; including Nirbhaya’s friend who tried hard to protect her, but is left with scars of that night, for the rest of his life), who stand up. But, then there are others, the ones who are downtrodden, for whom women abuse is a way of life (for both the victim and the abuser), they need to know. They need to be mobilized. But their own leaders, the very people, who should tell them the truth, talk about “boys will be boys and they make mistakes”. They will make laws curbing the freedom to eat what you like (yeah, the beef ban) but they will not make changes to the juvenile justice act. They will ban the real thoughts, for fear of repercussions, but will not encourage enlightenment and education. Because an enlightened society would never bear a ban on food they like and eat, and would not bear a ban on knowing the deepest thoughts of the pervert who decided that being a f*C*#@g bus driver was not enough but being moral police was more important.

The saddest part of the whole “ban the rapists interview” charade is that it is being led by a group of women members of the Rajya Sabha, being led by Madam Jaya Bachchan of the party whose superemo believes in shielding these perverts.

The basic irony of our society is that a woman will always judge the other woman. And, it is a woman, who leads the way for shaming another woman. Maybe, that is why, we the women of India, can never break the shackles of the society around our ankles. Divide and rule worked for the British to rule us for 200 years.

Women, are just few far apart, endangered by other sex specie, who will write her own downfall, because she judges the girl who walks out of a bar at 12 in night with a cigarette in her hand.

Charity begins at home. Women, unite. Stop judging, start fighting. Then the change will begin.

 

       

U is for Unique

Unique. Different.
We all have two eyes,  a nose, a pair of lips, teeth, ears, arms, legs.. Yet, each one of us looks different.
Each one of us is unique.
We all have different talents. We all have different weights , heights, different thoughts, and different goals.

Our uniqueness comes from the DNA that we posses. The combinations of them being so vast that all billion trillion of us are different from each other.

Yet, at the end of the day,  we are all bound by the same values of love, trust, humanity and happiness. Our goals maybe different but at the end of the day we all want a nice house, a great family, contentment and happiness.
And still, there are wars. There is racial differentiation.

Isn't it sad that instead of being amazed and instead of appreciating the differences of each other, we are rising hell to make us all into one sect of similar people.

S is for Sugar-coating

To sugar-coat means to make something less appealing more appealing.

How many times have you sugar coated your harsh realities to yourself in order to live and breathe, in order to just survive.
I haven't read the bible, but once in a TV series about bible, there was this story about how a woman is boiling stones in the water over the stove, and fooling her little child to believe that it was food that was being cooked. She sugar coated the reality about how there was no food in the house to child, till he fell asleep, thinking that his mom would wake him up when the food was ready.

We all sugar coat our lives so much, that we often forget the reality that we need to face.
The facts that stare back at us, glaring, jarring, the ones that we choose to ignore.

The crack in the relationships.
We paint it up to the world, to the kids, to the family.
We don't really discuss the issue, we brush it under the carpet.

The dwindling bank balance.
In this case, we choose to close our eyes, and hope that the money will automatically multiply.
Of course, the salary will come at the end of the month. But instead of being frugal about it, we spend. Without a thought about the building credit or the savings or of the future.

We live in times, when we sugar coat so much, that we forget. We live. But we forget nevertheless.

What do you feel happens, when you sugar coat??

N is for NO.

No.

A combination of two alphabets that make a really strong statement. It clears the air, and most importantly it clearly demonstrates your intentions to not to do or ant something.

But still, saying NO is the hardest task in the world.

You can’t say No, to your boss because you fear your next promotion and bonus. You don’t say No to your children, lest you face a retribution for not spending enough time with them. You don’t say No to that friend of yours, who you know always puts you down and is leeching off you, and your life, fearing a lack of social life.

No, is the negative word, and we all fear it for all the wrong reasons.

As a woman here in India, I am a privileged to have had a supportive family and now a supportive husband, who understands when I tell him, No.

No, maybe for a trip, a meeting with friends or family for that matter, and even when I say NO, to doing the household chores and sex.

But, alas, there are so many of us, who do not stand up and say No, No to the domestic violence, fearing the stigma attached to walking out from your husband’s house, No to submitting to his urges of sex , fearing a slap from him, irrespective of your own condition or mood at that time.

No, to that male boss, who is a lecher, and will talk to your boobs rather than to you. No, to that bastard on the street who will watch you from a distance, and unclothe you every time you walk past him.

We women have been fed lies all our lives, about the stigmas, about the shunning and about the society in general. Had we started saying No, earlier, had we started fighting against the unwanted gaze, the unwanted touch, that first slap in the fit of anger, we would not have been struggling now.

But alas, there are so many of us, the ones, who are always taught to say yes because they have never been exposed to the world where a No exists. But, I pity for the likes of me, the ones who have the education, the malls, the travelling, the friends, the internet.. and yet they choose to stay on. In an abusive work environment, in an abusive relationship;  struggling, daily to look in their own eyes and unable to answer their own conscience.

I wish that we all could give each other the strength to say the word NO.

To walk with our heads held high in a society of equals.   

     

 

K is for Kanyadaan

Kanya means Daughter.
Daan means Charity.

And together, it basically means the ritual of giving your daughter away in marriage. In India, this is considered to be the most noble form of charity.

And it is from here that all goes down hill.

The daughter is considered a burden in Indian house holds, because not only does the father have to get the daughter married, it also means to give so much in dowry. Yes, even if it illegal.

One of the reasons is the nomenclature of the ritual, calling it to give your daughter away in charity. Had this been named something else, anything else, which did not mean that when you get your daughter married, you are doing charity, and that you will get rewarded from God because of this charity.

In the olden golden era, the women were allowed to choose their own husbands, this was called Swayamwar.
Swayam meaning Self
War meaning groom.
This was based on competitions, or various other methods. Sometimes, the princes were invited for the swayamwar, and they just made merry, till the princess was ready to choose her prince.
However, the giving away of the daughter was still called "Kanyadaan".
From whatever, I understand, the reason, why Kanyadaan was called as what it is, because, for the parents it was the most difficult thing for the parents to send their daughters away.
By the middle ages, however, the concept got diluted and the women became a burden.

Things are slowly changing, finally. When will the change happen in totality, God only knows, but for the time being, I feel, despite the nomenclature, the thoughts with respect to giving away daughters is equivalent to charity should change amongst the youth.
  

J is for Jealousy

       J-E -A-L-O-U-S-Y

Jealousy has the lousy in it, in any case. So yeah, the emotions that are associated with it are negative, at times also remorseful.. belittling yourself.

I am human, and I am susceptible to the feeling of being Jealous. The funny thing though is, that through out the years that the husband and I were dating prior to marriage, jealousy hardly crept.

Now that we are married, I am more susceptible to the feeling of being sidelined, mostly because of the dedication and the time that he spends on his office, on his gadgets and his stupid computer games.
Facebook doesn't make life easier, what with the friends moving ahead with their lives, progressing in their careers, in their relationships.
I feel incompetent to say the least, that, we are at a stagnant point in our lives, just going through with the motions of our daily life, while the rest are buying new cars, they are travelling, or just making merry. Mind you, that doesn't mean that we don't do any of that.. except the car buying bit.. but then, the jealousy creeps in, even when it is the close friends that we are talking about.

How do I handle it?
I see. I process. I feel Jealous. Then I feel Lousy. Maybe have an argument with the husband. Brood. Sleep over it, and I am fine. Again.

It is a funny emotion so far as I am concerned, because, it does make me feel bad, but then, somehow, Husband and his arms, make the world a better place again.

How do you handle the lousy in the Jealousy??

H is for Hope

Hope.

The four letters,  that have changed people. These four alphabets have made life easier for the people who are going through the worst of times. They go through hell and they come back because they keep holding on to the Hope that it shall all end well. That, this is just a phase.

For a pessimistic like me, it is very hard to really fathom about the brighter future based on hope. In the hope that all that is happening is nothing but a path towards the destiny that you are already bound to live by.

I am mesmerized and always so happy for the people who are in love with their life, who are hopeful for a future, despite the direst circumstances. It gives me strength, even if it is just a little strength, to move forth with life. Too look at my problems in a different or in a bigger perspective.

 

What is that gives you hope? To move on despite the adversities, to love your life ?  

 

 

Reflections

These are two lines out of this article that is doing rounds on the social media. The article is being touted as being written by Brad Pitt. Whether that is true or not, I don't know, but yeah, what the article says in totality is amazing.
The following lines, sum it all up..

"The woman is the reflection of her man, and the man of her woman. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it; as will you. "

Lets' reminensce the Past..

I just got to see the video that Facebook has been making for all its members, capturing the moments on the social media  site.

It said that I joined Facebook back in June 2007, and thereafter it proceeds to pick up snapshots of the last 7 years that I have shared with the world. The joys, the lows, the festivals and my life in general.

As that video progressed, and now that I am writing this post.. it just all hits me. How I usually say that such and such thing was say in 2011, without realizing that 2011 was like 3 years back. Or for that matter, being in school, it is going to be 10 years since the high school has finished. But there are moments that are etched in memories.

It is going to be 9 years. NINE YEARS, since the husband and I have been together (first dating and then being married).. seems like a life time has just gone by and then there are those moments that you want to relive, over and over again.

I can’t help but remember the times when computers were nothing but luxury and the best part of the day used to be going out and playing with the friends. Today, we are enslaved to technology , we have to join the gyms in order to stay fit.

There are many many more milestones that are yet to be achieved, but while we look in the future, revel in the present, let us not forget the past, which has made us into what we are.    

 

Lessons in Shaadi (3)

The lies that you are made to see before getting married.
The specials in the first year of being married.
If you marry a guy who doesn't believe on all of that you end up being disappointed most of the times and if you marry in an over enthusiastic family, then you are left overwhelmed with many a celebrations.
It's a two edged sword and You end up wondering where is the enjoyment gone.

Lessons in Shaadi (2)

You are often faced with choices during your marriage that leave you with numbness. 
You end up wondering if the person who is telling you to pick and choose is the same person you chose to get married to. 
But then mostly, for the sake of peace around you make peace with your own self, sacrifice, compromise and often just give in.
And the choice trust me is never the better desert.. It's a choice that changes your life and your relationship with the people who you know. Changing the dynamics of your relationship and dynamics of who you always have been.

Lessons in Shaadi.. (1)

Marriage and wedding are different. Choose marriage over wedding, always.

Remembering my idol..

Yesterday, it was the death anniversary of my Dada ji, my paternal grandfather.
It has been 11 long years, since the day all our lives changed.
It was the year that, actually changed me as a person also. I had never experienced death so close to me.

I think that whatever little sanity that I have in me is thanks to my Dadu, and the fact that I think that I am a princess is also thanks to him.
He would never let me go to the kitchen, or be around things that were dangerous.
He used to take my to India International Center, for absolutely delightful lunches and fancy dinners in their dining hall, where kids were hardly allowed. I was always asked to behave like a lady. Till today, if by any fortune I get to go there, a lump always forms in my throat, remembering the great years of being simple and loving.
The fact that we used to go out of the city for "Summer Vacations", was also thanks to him. He loved to take us for holidays all over the northern part of the country.
He loved weddings. And my mum loves weddings. There is no second guessing, why I just LOVE weddings.

I never saw him raising his voice or his hands at any of his grand children, I have never heard that he did that to his children either. He had friends that were always for life. He wrote letters. Was fascinated by an electronic typewriter and absolutely amazed at "Cut, Copy & paste" feature in the computers.

No one in any corner of my immediate family or extended family on any side ever criticized him.. all of us have such fond memories of the times that we have had with him.

And, trust me when I say that, he probably would have been over the moon seeing me getting married.

I miss him.
And one of the thoughts that provoked me to write about him was..  (he used to always tell me to calm down ;))

A CUP OF COFFEE

An interesting fact of physics:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Hardly seems worth it, does it?

It is a supposed fact of physics but also a corollary of spirit.

Most fussing, yelling, and cursing causes far more harm than good and usually isn’t worth the effort. All of the good it does over the years probably isn’t worth a cup of hot coffee.

The next time you are inclined to huff and puff and blow off steam by raising your voice with five minutes of yelling at something or someone, remember with another 8 years, 7 months, 5 days,

23 hours and 55 minutes of yelling, you could have a cup of hot java.

Is the hot cup of coffee worth stirring up with anger? 

Coffee doesn’t hear you. People do. And it only takes one second of yelling to heat them up.

Keep your cool, coffee is not the only thing that’s ground up

What is..... Marriage?

It is 1.30 am at night. Husband is soundly snoring away by my side, while his left arm is protectively around my waist.
There is a glass of wine on the bedside table, and despite a long long day in the heat, I am wide awake. Yes, the wine was supposed to put me of to sleep.


I have been thinking a lot lately. About life, and what has changed
While the hubby still maintains that the 'I am married' has still not sunk in, I try to tell him off.
Tell him that things have changed and that he better get used to being ' married '

Which brings me to one of the things that I have been thinking about... About being married.. About what is it to be married.
It is definitely more than having the freedom to have sex.. Though the sociology books say otherwise.. And it definitely has a lot to put a smile on the face of the one you love.  About the things that affect you... Like the snoring bit.. I wonder if the nose strips will work the husband.
I often tell him, that the thing that I look forward to at the end of a hard days work is, his arms around me.. And honestly, the night I don't have his snores or his arms around me in my new house.. Sleep is difficult to come.

Marriage is also about compromises and eating your pride.. Your ego and being a bigger person, except that you being a bigger person would neither be appreciated nor recogonized .. It like one of those unseen, unconditional things that you want to do.

Marriage is also about changing your focus and about changing the perspectives that you have. The decisions are not just for you as an individual but affects the 'us' in the whole relationship dynamics.
Yes, every little thing counts. Including the excess baggage from your mother's house.

Marriage is also about the arguments. On issues that may or may not have anything do with you.. As an individual.

Marriage is about a lot of things. But mostly it is about the change that it brings to you.. The love that you thought was there, just increases. Out of where, it is unknown.
It is about, crying and laughing in the arms of the one you love.
It is about scratching your head over the grocery to be bought and the head massage with the hit oil.

It is not a holiday.. Not a phase of your life.. But it is about your whole life. A commitment going beyond the words of the prohit at the Mandap or the marriage registration certificate.
I have seen matches made in heaven go down the drain in the court.. The love lost somewhere in the battle of the alimony and the respect, well, none of that either.

I really don't have a conclusion to this post.. Maybe because it is the wine speaking more than me..
What I do know is., that marriage is about holding the hand of a complete stranger (believe me when I say, that even in a love marriage, the husband you discover is a lil different than your lover) and telling each other.. That the odds are stacked against us, but, now that we have each other to hold on.. Whatever be the odds.. Lets cross them together, lets just build our life piece by piece.. And enjoy the journey while reaching a destination.

The dark side of me...

I have never really been an introvert. Actually, the fact of the matter is that I am outspoken, like to go yap yap and yap, and don't realise when to shut up.

I have not learnt the art of "Shutting up". 

Fiance and my parents have been trying forever. Dadi keeps on saying that, I need to learn to JUST SHUT UP. 

But amongst all the traits that I have, I also have the trait of not listening to people around me. 

There is something known as constructive criticism that people normally take in their stride. But, I am me and I can never really take constructive critique without feeling a hit to my own ego. It can't get worse than this, can it? 

I have a new friend. And the way he put it for me, absolutely on my face, for some very weird reason, it hit me really hard. 

I really thought high about myself, and wow, was I wrong, or was I wrong.. so here is a low down on my self, that I never knew that I would be making:

1. I am an attention seeker: I always knew that I wanted to be special to someone. And, even though I am, I the attention it seems is not enough. I am always seeking for more (especially, since Fiance doesn't have the time and that spoils the fun.)

2. I am possessive: And by possessive I mean, I am possessive about my relationships. All of them. 

3. Everything is NOT about me: If someone laughs and I am around, then they are laughing at me. If someone is whispering and I am around, then it is about me. And worse of all, if someone is upset at any goddamn thing in the world then the reason is me. 

4. People have other things apart from me: People have other friends. They have families and above all they have their own lives and they are not answerable to me. 

5. I really need to think and speak: The world doesn't come to an end, if I don't express an opinion or if I can do away with not talking at all. The whole saying "Ek chup sau sukh"   ought to be reiterated and embedded in me. I really should shut up. 

6. Everyone has their own story and their own ups and downs, I have my own and I should not fuck up other people's lives because I "perceive" something out of their behaviour. Even after being with a person for so many years and talking to him/her for hours, one can't really tell about what one is thinking and what is going through one's head. Imagine, and on basis of absolute random conversations in bad moods. 

7. I Judge: I was proud of the fact that I was never the judgmental type, till this absolute stranger at a party last week said, that "You are very judgmental"; and I was thrown off. Of course, it was a come and a go comment, that I brushed off. Yesterday, it came back.

8. I was proud of the fact that I always "maintained" a relationship, without realizing that, a relationship, any for that matter requires space and freedom to breathe. I am so scared of losing a friend (even a foe) that I choke. Always looking for a reassurance.

9. Insecurity: Of self and about the others. Mostly, straddling others with mine.

10. I am no mother teresa: And I really should accept that. I can't keep making sure that others are happy, and that I made "Difference" in their lives. No one has given me that right. I shouldn't expect that too.

11. Control thy fire: I can be really nasty with the way I say certain things. It can be my dislike or my unhappiness, but the way I say is super nasty.

12. The child needs to grow up. I owe up to my mistakes. But, I need to really stop giving explanations about my mistakes. To err definitely is human, but really, I can't always err and then cite the fact that I am human. I need to be more responsible about my actions.

13. Living in expectations: And then suffering the heart break, and then reacting in the MOST inappropriate manner possible. Life is too short to expect from ANYONE. I should accept that, and move on.

14. Clingy: I can't be clingy. Period. It sucks.

15. I am always angry at the world. Because rest of the world is better off than my own little world. Reality check. Grass is fucking not always greener on the other side. Life sucks. That is the way it is. Period.

I do want make a difference by being a part of people's lives. But now that I have been told bluntly, I agree, I just have to be there, not cling, not push. I have to open my mind and make sure that, I am able to pick up the thread of the story my friendships, without the maintenance bit.
I have been told not to change.
I am just wondering which part do the people refer to, considering most of the others find my overtly, sweet, cute and helpful nature a little too fake in this big bad world.
This baby needs to stop constantly hoping to be babied.. Time to grow up. 

The Politics of the Falling Rupee!

I am absolutely not talking about the end of the world literally.
It can't happen. Not now any ways, there is too much happening otherwise, for the world to physically collapse. Economically, well, that is questionable.

In the light of recent events, I think that one way or the other the great Indian Middle Class is going be squeezed to the hilt. It is we who are going to take a hit, unless the black money lodged in the swiss banks comes home and fills the coffers of the Indian Treasury.
Honest to God, that is the ONLY way that the present UPA Government can survive the economic slowdown. Because knowing the politics of my Country, I know for sure that any concrete steps that may be taken by the government are going to come back on their face by the opposition and allies alike.

What we as the people have to do is via our actions prove to the politicos that we can take some hard hitting steps but we would really like to still believe in the 'Great Indian Dream', where for the last 10 odd years despite everything, India as a whole was doing much better than rest of the world.

My sister explained this to me and my mum when we were cribbing about the price rise, I thought that I would share it with you too:

- The Oil cos lose about 8 Rs/litre on petrol with the current price of the crude and the various taxes that the poor companies have to pay to the government.

- Therefore to cut out on the losses, the petrol prices are hiked. But because petrol price hike means rise in commodities, the government pays subsidies, meaning they pay out of their own pockets so that the price hike does not effect the common man that much. But because they pay out of their own pockets, they lose the tax money that they have collected for development.

- If they take loan from the foreign entities like World Bank or IMF, their foreign deficit increases and like it is with any other loans, they have to start getting more money in their coffers to develop on the various schemes that they run for the poor.

-Thus to fill their coffers, they either cut the subsidies and therefore the hit comes to the common man or they increase the taxes, again making sure that the burden comes to the US. The poor common man.

Then what to do?
The decisions of a price hike hit us like a ton of bricks. And so does the taxes. Like I said before, all of us should shut our eyes from the fact that the swiss banks have the Black money and encourage the politicians to bring back that money into our country.
I have heard it and read on FB that the amount of money that is in the swiss banks if it comes back, will make us all free of the tax burden for the next 50 years. JUST IMAGINE!
No more taxes.
Actually, I don't mind paying minimal taxes so that the money keeps getting replenished, but helloo?? Dear Poliricians, if AT ALL any of you feel the need to compete with the US of A and move forward and become the rulers of the world- I think that you should give a thought to bringing back the money that is rightfully ours.

Further, as a part of the austerity measures that the Government proposes to put- First should be that all the politicians should pay their electricity & water bills. My GOD, more than half of the electricity dues that are unpaid are the government dues. We all pay for our usage, they should all too pay.

The Parliament Sessions are the bonus sessions where all the policies are decided. The politicians attending these sessions should be paid on daily basis as in only those who attend the sessions shall be paid during the months that the sessions are on and ANYBODY who disrupts and/or breaks the furniture of the Parliament house and stages a walk out- should be penalized, by obviously not being paid that days wage.
*NEVER have I seen a proper discussion and weighing of pros and cons properly of a matter that really matters... which sort puts the country in a tailspin and lets not even talk about the mockery that we make of ourselves in front of the rest of the world.*

Oh, considering that we are burdened with the petrol prices, all the politicians should also pay for the petrol that goes in the cars that are allotted to them, and in addition they should also be paying the salary of the household help/drivers/maalis that they keep.

And last but not the least, the ticket of the ministers may be borne by the state but that of the family.. extended family should NOT be borne by the state and the ministers/ family who is travelling should pay for it.

The politicians are nothing but Government SERVANTS and they should be made to realise just that. The reason that they are in a position to make policies is  because the entire nation can't come together and make them. They are OUR representatives and NOTHING more. The day we realise that politicians are humans too and nothing more, is the day they will also come down to our pedestal and maybe start working, on the things that really make a difference.