Adulting 101

It is March 31 today. And I hope that all the adults who fall in the tax bracket have already made their last minute tax savings and have also decided, what to do, and what not to do in the coming year. I did mine like in the beginning of this week, and I feel thouroughly accomplaished. It was pretty last minute too, but atleast, it was not like running with a cheque like a lost chicken on 31st itself. I consider that to be adulting. Or at least a part of it.

A recent research says that millenials (like me), have a median age of 30, and they start considering themselves as adults only when they turn 30. Which is mighty interesting. Because, while I remember being 25 and carefree, I also remember turning 30 and all of a sudden, panicking becuase it felt (and still feels like) that time is slipping and now you are on the other side of time (if there is anything like that). All of a sudden you see friends (some even younger then you), who have become parents and are responsible for another human life, and you delay taking your dog to the clinic by 1 whole week, even wehn she is in pain. You see, how people are buying new cars, going for the fancy holidays, and how you can't even maintain a proper grocery list, and forget savings, you don't even know how to budget your household properly. You see people and how their life is together, and you still struggle, in keeping yourself and your sanity together.
There are of course exception to these friends. But, if I have to be honest, I know that all of them would be struggling with something or the other, but, they have that one thing that is sorted in their life. Be it their career or be it their personal life. They have something, to hold on to. Unlike, me right now, where each day is like an exam in adulting.

But what I have come to realise esapecially in the last couple of months, that there are somethings that have to become a deliberate practice for all this adulting to happen, and it does not include throwing dinner parties like an adult! Here is a tentaive list from my tiny experience, in case you are looking for one that is.

1. Expectations: None. Nil. Nada. It is very important to train yourself, that you cannot expect anything from anyone, and on some days, even from your ownself. But that is the truth of it all. And the mantra for a relationship like marriage and all the ancilliary realtionships that come along with that. You have to be your own lover, and your own person. Your married BFF will always be too involved, and if she has a child, then the tables are turned, and you have more expectations to fulfill. Your partner will probably give you a shoulder to cry, but, when life happens, love goes. You can either make your ends meet or make your expectations of romance meet.

2. Only superheroes are in Movies: In real life, you have to just save your own world, and the rest will have to wait today. Life becomes an endless loop of to-do lists, whether it is office assignments or getting things done for home.

3. Accept: The game of tell me why got over with your childhood. Somethings have to be accepted. Like the fact that despite all your persuation, you will have to attend parties on your own, and family functions by yourself. The flaws become imminent, and that is when your relationships are tested. You are some times not only supposed to take the blame for yourself and your actions, often the actions of the partner are also put on your head. Accepting that as a part of your life and moving on helps. It also helps to accept the fact that, when they say that women always assert themselves in a man-woman relationship and call the shots, it is wrong, and you as your own person, cannot judge your relationship based on that myth.

4. Choices: You have to bear the brunt of your own choices. Even if that means, choosing to put your career on the backfoot for family or your relationship. But that does not in any way mean that you have to feel bad about it. Yes, you would like to be appreciated about that fact, but that does not happen. The process to learn that your choices and the repercussions will always come to bite you of not today, but tomorrow should always weigh on your mind.

5. Letting Go: My introductory paragraphs talk about how I have measured myself against the standards and expectations with the yardstick of the society, and feel miserable about it. But the biggest process in the whole adulting scam is to let go. To just measure yourself againt your own self. I have deleted the facebook app on my phone. And that has helped immensely, and slowly I have come to realise that I need to focus on myself and just me too, and can't keep on looking at people and measuring my life. Notions have to be let go.

6. Sleep: While you want to party, and do so many things- you have to give up your sleep, and those lessons come in handy, when one has a baby.

7. Stress and worry: With Murphy working overtime to ensure that things just go wrong all the time, you are bombarded with stress- about work, career, life, relationships, money and everything under the sun. Adulting is like working under constant worry of why things go wrong because all of them go wrong, one way or the other.

Life as we know it, changes, as soon as we realise that one has to be a "responsible" adult. And while you let go of expectations, a whole load of them is put on you- always. My first tiny steps to adulting, and I wonder, what is it that they teach you in school in any case!!!  

A journey of 12 Years

A contreversial book, 

with conspiracy galore, 

a social network website, 

with a book discussion group. 

A boy with a weird name, 

and theories totally insane, 

and a dialogue, which, 

involved a few, and then just the two. 

Friend requests exchanged, 

and tentative steps taken, 

and soon from the book, 

the discussions moved away, 

from the group to just the two. 

Soon, it was impossible to pass,

even a day without "chatting up", 

eventually, it were the phone numbers, 

that were finally exchanged. 

In between e-mails, 

chats, smses and phone calls, 

we realised, that we were in love. 

Not an infactuation, 

but in fact love. 

We had never met, and

had seen each other through, 

patchy web cams, 

and then it was time to meet, 

eight months after, 

for 2 days, that was a treat! 

Year on year, after that, 

we struggled, but we had faith, 

and an eternal hope, 

and finally we did fight the stars, 

the moon, the family, and what not, 

and almost 8 years later, 

plunged further. 

At the altar, when he waited, 

I could see, the smile that he, 

had hidden away, with a sense, 

of calm, and satisfaction, that finally, 

we are a family. 

And from that day on, we do have, 

more struggles, and the arguements, 

which seem to never end, 

but even after these 12 long years, 

a genuine conversation, a tight hug, 

and a gentle kiss, 

makes the world alright, 

even if it is for a moment (or two). 

We often compete, but, 

we know that no one but we, 

complete, each other, now, 

and forever. 

As we move into another year, 

I close my eyes, and 

reminisce, the night we decided, 

that it was love, 

not at first sight, but at a remark, 

in a group, on a website.. and 

that we were and are meant to be, 

together, 

Today, tomorrow and always!

As the Season marks change!

Fall is finally approaching.
And with the way the weather is looking, winters are gonna be long and hard this time.

The best thing about being here in Delhi is that one can actually sense a change in the weather, and can feel the nip in the air, when one steps out in evenings. A general sense of happiness is slowly descending on the city, along with unbearable traffic!

With the change in weather, there is a change in our lives too.

A sudden action by a complete third party, had put us in a precarious position, and we had been struggling with the weight of certain decisions that had to be taken. And, today, all of a sudden, there is clarity, and concrete decisions have been taken.
And, now, life is going to change.

And this time round, when we were to take our decisions, we sought a lot of wise counsel, and I personally am very thankful to all the people, who have helped us out. Who have given their genuine opinions, and have also given us their valuable time by answering questions.

There is a sea of change that this Diwali is bringing for us.

And for the festival season, I hope and pray, that you all, my readers are graced with love, properity, happiness and contentment.

Happy Diwali!

13 going to 30!

It even sounds weird!
"Hi, I am 30!"

I mean I know and I have heard enough about the "age is nothing but a number", but it is weird when you sit back and realise that all of a sudden, you are neither in your traumatic teens, nor in the drama twenties, but you are suddenly thirty.

It is like entering the teens. All of a sudden you are a kid and then wham bham you are teen. And in all hoensty, your twenties are usually an extension of your teeange years.You are in college when you are 18, 19, and 20 (and even more if you are in a professional course or pursuing your masters!). So you are being taken care of, you are being paid a pocket money or you are doing odd jobs to support your passions and even when you are fresh and out in the world to do a proper job, you are full of adrenaline and enthusiasm to take over the world.

Suddenly you are 25. And if you are in Delhi, that is a BIG deal because now you can officially go drinking. And by the time you end reveling in your quarter life crisis, you are 27, all of a sudden it is all about getting married (you may also be married for a year by then!). And by the time you realise that your life has suddenly changed, from the teens to the twnties, from school college to work, from single to being married (and being a parent too in some cases), you hit the thirty mark.

You are expected to grow up. To take up responsibilities like they are sacrements and always, always make sense of all the decisions that you take. Whether it is about your marriage, your family, your career, everything. It is like, from a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being the lowest), you are allowed a margin of error of (minus) 1.

Is it like changing everything overnight? No. But it surely does instil the feeling of "change". It makes you feel inadequate.
When you are 30, you tend to look back, and look back alot (or at least I do) and assess about what all have you achieved.
Unfortunately, the society has put the assessment in a straight jacket of: marriage, family, kids and career. And as you assess against these you have a panic attack, because, you are failing. If not in all, then definitely in one (and if you are the kinds who has it all- then, please share, how?).

While I have definitely not failed the complete assessment, I also know that maybe things could have been better. But, jab jaago tabhi savera!

I think, the most important thing in my life that I have done and am proud of is finding my dear darling husband. He will disagree to say that, we fight like maniacs, so how can he be my best find? The fact of the matter is that, while I assess my life in the societal straight jacket, I am grateful to have found someone who is willing to change the norms, and who is willing to question everything (it does get annoying.. but..) . It makes life a little bit more exciting when we have a million apps to satiate our hunger for binge TV watching or when we just take the car and find ourselves at places like bhootgaon!
Of course life is up and down and I am not particularly happy about reaching an age where I am judged because my uterous has aged more, and us having kids has become a conversation starter. But, I am here now and I can't really help it!

I think, what I take back from my last 30 years is that while I have effectively changed as a person, from being totally hopelessly unsatisfaioed, angry teenager to a little less of the same, I am slowly becoming into my own person. I am blooming maybe a couple of years late. But I am blooming. From cooking awesome food, to learning how to argue better (respond and not react), from realising that mornings have always been under-rated (especially post the rains!) and that exercising should have been started at least 2 years ago.. from the emotional, and financial mess to trying to untangle the mess by taking control of things.. it seems that there is a lot of catching up to do. All the things (including relationships) that have been taken for granted need to be rebuilt. And these are the tasks that have been cut out for me/Us!
One more task that is just for me, is to learn patience and satisfaction. There is no dirth of things that are happening with people in my so call friend list, and I need to stop assessing my life against them. I need to learn the art of letting go, and embracing whatever comes my way. Another thing that I have to learn and accept is that even with the closest of people you can't expect them to completely change and/or adjust to yourself, there has to be a middle ground. Maybe it is time to get into meditation, and to move towards a little bit more stillness. And by that I mean, grounding your emotions to train your mind to not have oscillating emotions. To think through situations and to really be able to assess the consequences of the words coming out of my mouth. To be less angry, less unsatisfied.
This would be like a emotional rehab for me, I may lapse and re-lapse into my old patterns, but I have to try. I have to be a better person, a more solid person, because it seems that, this is what is holding me behind and has husband doubting my skills to be a grown up.

While, I try to be zen, I will also try to dance to on the crazy songs, just to remind myself that life maybe a struggle, but as kids, the most we worried about was the homework and the vacations, and how life was simpler.

Happy 30th to me!

3.0

Has it been 10 years since I entered my twenties? It seems like yesterday. And as cliched as it sounds, it does seem like yesterday. And it has been half a decade since I discovered that when you hit your quarter life mark, you don't grow wings either.

I remember my 20th Birthday to the extent that I still have the collage that the sister had lovingly made for me. We had it framed and it hung proudly in my erstwhile room. I call it erstwhile, not because I am married but because the character of that room has also changed. And that change had begun exactly a year back. I surprised my parents and they surprised me back. The layout of that room and the furniture of that room had always kept me grounded, and always reminded me of the times and nights that I had spent there weaving my dreams. Now most of it is with me in my house (pati ka ghar) because I am in NCR. Including that collage- Which hangs on a wall above our bed. It is quite a placement, because on the other side of the bed is another collage that I had made on our first marriage anniversary. So when I stand on the foot of my bed, I can actually, physically see the change in the circle and see the times that have gone by and the people who I have lost on the way to death.

Apart from the BFF, the only other constant has been the Husband and I have to give it to him, I am not an easy person to deal with, and he has done it. Not only did he date me, but about 6 years back on my birthday eve, he proposed to me. We were going through all the pictures the other day on the ipad, and just as 2010 was getting over, I was like oh, after this I wont be in any pictures, only to realise that, we have been together from 2005! So yeah, my Mr. constant, and my support and my everything too!

So now, a decade later, a week to my 30th Birthday, I have been forced to sit and think about life. It has been more than a decade since I turned 18, and while the world has turned upside down, I have never assessed what I have achieved on adulting!

Whenever we have gone for job interviews, and otherwise also, we have often been advised to make life plans and life goals and garner satisfaction from achieving those goals that have been made and ticked on the "Goal List". What they don't tell you is that when life happens, the goals get fucked.

I also had a life plan. And according to that life plan, I would have had reached a point in my career where I was the boss or atleast someone senior, and that I would have had a family (kids), and a house and whatever the best version of a happily after. And trust me when I say that none of the life goals have been achieved.
I had thought that 20ies was when one struggled, and that by the time the third decade rolls in, there would be stability.

But, life happened my friends. While my BFF is settling down in a family as per her plan (yeah baby and all), we are on a completely different planet. The questions have become so uncomfortable that, I avoid unnecessary spending time at my parents. And when I have to be there, I have to change subjects because, I have no answer to their question of stability.

Life is becoming like a dark alley without a light where I am groping in the dark trying to make sense of things. I am not completely disheartened, I am just tiring down. It is like a never ending road.

I don't know, whats happening any more, and I hate the fact that I am almost 30 and I still can't control whats happening in my life.

My crazy antics, and my stupidity are the only thing that are keeping me sane, but, now life calls me to be always serious, 30 after all is a responsible age. Just about it. Or so I guess.

As I countdown (in my head) to my 30th Birthday, Madcap Loon's advice keeps pestering me- Age is nothing but a number. For men maybe. But for women, 30 is a psycological mark. It is when we start using the anti-ageging creams, and it is when we the society starts telling you that you have missed the turn, and that you better hurry and hope that your child is healthy when you have him/her. This is also an age when however hard you try, even air makes you fat and then it takes you forever to shed it off, when you need a full night's sleep to recover from a late night party and all of a sudden there are friends who seem all grown up, and make you feel juvinile.

I don't regret the last 29 years of my life in any manner, I do believe in whatever happens, happens for the best. But, in the next decade, I think, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be less stressed. I want to be more settled, and I want to be at peace.
And all of this- I want with the Husband.

Let us see, from here, where life goes!

One Lakh and Counting (hopefully)!

I opened my blog after a week and the first thing that stared back me was a 6- digit number for the page views. Now for the "Royal Bloggers", who have been regularly blogging about fashion, short- stories, beauty and even politics (sattire) and humour this must have come a long time back.

But for a blogger like me, who has taken quite a few haituses and who usually talks about her personal dilemas and dramas rather than reviews and views, this is a big milestone.

The old (and the gold) readers know that the only reason that I had started blogging was to impress this certain someone (now my Husband, who, BTW has stopped writing). Most of my initial posts here (and before here on the other platforms) were very random (an e-mail forward that I really liked, or love quotes etc.)

It has taken about 9 years and 660 posts for me to reach here. It has taken a lot of encouragement from my fellow bloggers (Uncle Jack, Kashvi, Suruchi, Harini, Roop, Alka, Divya, Harshita, M, Vagabond, Anuradha, and all those whose names I have missed!!!) and ofcourse from the Husband for me to continue my ramblings. For me to dabble in poetry, and to write my reviews and views on movies and current affairs.

Yes, there have been times when I have written things that have offended people and have also compelled me to shut this blog or make it private. While I do agree that somethings are too personal to be shared on a public fora as such, I have tried my best to protect my privacy while opening my life to the world of the wide web.

It has been an interesting journey, albeit a continuing one.

Three cheers to my dear readers who have bought me so far :)

Thanks & Love!

A lifetime of madness, and another life time yet to come!

It has been a lifetime since we have been together.

I can't put a year on it any more because if life is to be divided in phases, then mine is Before You and With You. I am glad that there is no other phase.

I spent my childhood dreaming about a prince charming and the quintessential white horse, the picket fence and the happily ever after. I got you.
And I got my life back.

Because life is not about a happily ever after, it is about finding your own happiness, in the moments that are a part of your living breathing life. One can imagine/ have imaginary conversations in situations one day dreams about while doing everything, but real life is different from the imaginary conversations and interactions.

I have gone on and on, on this blog about how we met, and even today when people  ask me about our "love story", I laugh, blush and tell them about our online love story. This doesn't happen too much now, but whenever the question is asked it does take me back to all those years that have gone by and the resilience with which we have managed to keep our relationship intact. We have been friends, lovers, haters and now miya and biwi!

Our earliest struggles were just trying to get enough talk time with each other (and thank God, the signal did not suck that bad back then), and now our struggles are trying to find quality time with each other.
We are so stuck in our daily chores and life in general that even though we stay under the same roof, the conversations often don't go beyond the obvious. The whole of the last year was spent hoping to find some time with you.
But then I guess, when you are moving up with life and in your career, you have to make difficult choices.

We were teenage lovers once, we are married adults now, and while the enigma of being lovelorn teenagers always remains with you, the beauty of a long relationship gives you the satisfaction of the way love works rather how you make love work for you. It is the best feeling.

There is a lifetime more of love, struggles, fights and god only knows what, but we have each other, and we have held on, and I am confident that like the years gone by, the years yet come will bring us closer to our own version of a happily ever after!

Happy 11 years, love.

11 years till we found the Mountains! (Travelogue)

​

11 years of togetherness out of which 3 we have spent as married couple is good enough time to accept the fact that while we did meet online we connected thanks to a lot of hot messages exchanged in the imaginary environment of the mountains. And it took us 11 years to find the mountains!

(I take the omens thing by Paulo Coelho a little too seriously!)

In any case this is a travelogue about our trip to the queen of the mountains, Mussoorie. The trip was planned thanks to our friends, who got married in Rishikesh and had their reception at the Grooms' village in Tehri, Gharwal ( a remote village 20kms before Chamba). So we decided to extend the trip to the hills!!

And here is 'our' experience along with some tips.

Day 1:

The View from our hotel in Rishikesh

We started for Rishikesh late afternoon from Gurgaon. The thing is that the highway to Rishikesh is via Ghaziabad and Meerut and to cross that stretch takes ages, because NH 24 is a busy busy highway! So it took us about 3 hours to reach the highway that looked like a highway. [Tip: If you have the time, then please start early in the morning. Late night the highway at the border is choked with trucks]. We stopped at Modinagar for the famous shikanjwi and had dinner around 9 ish at a forgettable Dhaba about 80 kms before Rishikesh. We entered Haridwar at around 10.30 and because of the Ardh Kumbh the whole place was lit up like it was Diwali. That was the one treat we got because of the lateness of the hour. We continued towards our destination which was a hotel/ resort by the name of Divine Ganga Cottages. The place is awesome and is located by the Ganges, you wake up some awesome views! BUT DO NOT FOLLOW GOOGLE MAPS TO GET TO THIS PLACE! It is in absolute interiors and the approach road is super scarily narrow. Since it was the dead of the night we did not encounter any traffic or one way restrictions but got into a minor scuffle thanks to Google Maps! We finally checked in around 12:15 am, and the staff was totally awesome about that. We faced absolutely no trouble at all. The bed was comfortable and the room was neat and clean. The bathroom was clean and had the basic utilities.

Day 2:

We woke up to a beautiful and clear morning, crisp sunshine and some chill in the air. The owners (and their family was there!!) and they talked to us and made sure that we were well taken care of. We had breakfast at the resort. Omelettes, puri bhaji, lemon honey tea and black coffee. All of it was delicious and very satisfactory. Especially since we had it on the terrace with a view of absolute bliss. Post breakfast it was time for us to get ready and go. I needed the iron and the wife of the owner was delighted to share hers with me. The check out was super smooth. And then we joined our friends at a banquet hall in Rishikesh for the wedding. ( I would not have otherwise mentioned the wedding but I need to tell you all about a certain incident that took place there!) the bride's shawl got flicked in like 5 mins we turned our heads and the Bride's sister traced the culprits and got the thing returned.

We left around 6.30 p.m. in our car to drive to Tehri Gharwal, our friends village, and boy, was that an experience or what! [Please note that tourist cars and buses are usually not allowed to ply on the roads from Rishikesh towards the hills after sunset]. While most of the stretch was the hill drive with intact roads, the last 2 kms were severely intense wherein the road to the village was mostly a dirt/pebbled/ broken road [true blue safari/off roading experience]. We parked the car, and then were escorted by our friend's family towards the houses/settlements, which was an uphill climb of about half a kilometer [try doing that in heels.. and tell me how it was]. The small compund outside our friend's house was decked up and awaiting the arrival of the newlyweds. Husband and I were also treated like royalty and after an exhausting bout of pooja, and mooh dekhai, we finally got some breather. Husband went off where all the men were drinking and offered them his ice burst ciggrattes which became an instant hit. I was tackling the ladies and trying keep them from asking prying questions to the bride. We had some good village cooked food, served to us with love. We danced till the wee hours of the morning on local gharwali songs and slept in the room along with the bride, and the groom's cousin. The whole village had opened their houses to the guests that had come for the wedding and no one really knew where the other was sleeping!

Day 3:

The Tehri Dam

The view from the village, which was a top a mountain was awesome and we woke up to our hosts wanting to give us bed tea and bed breakfast. Eventually we got ready, saw the couple perform some more poojas [also saw the phenomenon of the God possessing a man and a Goddess possessing a woman] and had puri and chole as brunch and left the village with lots of blessings and driving tips! We left at around 1.30 p.m. drove for about an hour and reached Chamba, where we had lunch at Gautam Residency and started our ride to the Tehri Dam [Highest Dam]. We again followed the Google Maps and reached the side protected by the CISF, and were of course not allowed inside. We stood there admiring the water, the mountains and the beautiful landscape that lay before us. 

The Sunset in the Himalayas

We then turned back, and started heading towards Mussoorie. True to ourselves, we stopped at several places just to admire the view and take some pictures. We saw the most beautiful sunset ever, and also saw the snow covered peaks and the orange sunligt reflecting on them. We entered Mussoorie via the Mall Road and paid Rs. 150 for using the Mall Road as the road to go from one end to the other. The Mussoorie mall road has some serious steep roads and a lot of one ways, so be careful and ask around. After manouvering through the people on the mall road, and getting lost once (yes, Google Maps has a thing!) we reached our resort. We stayed at the "Dancing Leaves Resort", it is the resort by Sterling Holidays and it is located at a secluded spot 3 kms away from the Mall Road. We checked in at about 7.30 p.m. and decided to order in room dining. We ordered the tikka and the grills, and they were quite good. We planned for the next day and had a sound sleep in the soft bed and thick blanket.

Kempty Falls

Day 4:

We woke up really early, and were greeted with the view of the valley visible from our french window. We had been told about the Spa there, and we booked that for 5 p.m. in the evening. We ordered the breakfast in our room and left around 10.30 a.m. for Kempty Falls. We reached there at about 11.30 ish, and decided to go to the falls. I had visited the falls almost 15-18 years back, and remembered the trek to go down and come up. Luckily though, they had developed a ropeway to the falls, which Rs. 120 per person for a two way ride. We took the ropeway and reached the falls. Earlier what was wild had been tamed, and the place where the water got collected had been reinvented to facilitate shops providing lockers, change of clothes, maggie, eggs, tea and even food. We saw a couple of people jump inside the water and shriek because of the cold temprature, and decided instead to observe their antics over some maggi. We sat there for about 20 mins and then went back up via the ropeway. We then headed for the Yamuna Bridge. We went up close and personal to the river Yamuna, clicked pictures, but were disappointed as there was no place to eat lunch. We were there for another 20 mins and then drove back to Mussoorie. We parked at a designated parking spot outside the mall road and then walked on the mall road. TripAdvisor advised us to have lunch at a Tibetan Restaurant by the name of Kalsang. We ate a lunch of Soup, Thupka and Momos. It was truly awesome!! We were over fed and running out of time, and took a cycle rickshaw till the end of the Mall Road and drove back to our resort for our Spa appointment. We had a great time nourishing our tired bodies, and then had dinner in their Restaurant. The menu is the same, and because it was a very limited menu we ended up having chinese for dinner as well. Grills the night before were much better. We ended our night with a bottle of wine. [The Resort does not have a bar. We carried our bottle].

Day 5:

The Clouds and the Mountains

It was the day to go back home. We woke up to a lot of rain. Nevertheless, we had our breakfast [There was breakfast buffet, and the Puri Bhaji was amazing!] and checked out. The rain was now a drizzle. We left at around 10.30 a.m. and decided to go via the Yamuna Bridge route. It was longer by about 70 kms, but the drive along with the river was a sight to remember. We decended to Vikas Nagar, and the crucial crossing [where we could have either come via Dehradun or Saharanpur], I saw a board of Poanta Sahib [It is a religious spot for the sikhs and I could not resist] which was 15 kms from there, and we ventured from Uttrakhand to Himachal Pradesh! 

Poanta Sahib Gurudwara

After the darshan at Poanta Sahib Gurudwara, and lunch in the city, we took NH 74, and cut down our travel time quite a bit. The roads in Himachal were scenic and straight. And barring a stop at around 7 p.m. we pretty much drove straight home to Gurgaon. We reached at 9.30 p.m. but because we were well rested and did not have a stressful drive home, we were not very tired.

Tips:

- Even though it is not as crowded, but travelling to the mountain in winters has a charm of its own.

- DO NOT follow the Google Maps. Ask around. The directions by the locals is most accurate.

- Food was not a high point in the trip. Unlike in Maharashtra, where there is fish and sea food and preparation styles differs a lot, the North gets limited to the Puris, and the chicken and the chinese.

- Driving in the hills is different than driving in the plains. The time taken is more, so never be in a hurry. Also, drive by keeping to your left.

- Keep water with you all the times, you may feel lack of oxigen causing headaches. Water is a great solution to that.

- If you are travelling in winters keep an umbrella and adequate warm clothes.

I am addicted to you!

Time goes by, 

in a frenzy of the everyday life, 

there are times when you feel, 

just the need to be.. 

but even in those times, 

I know, that you are by my side. 

Love is neither easy, 

nor is it sane, 

but what is life without, 

some difficulty, madness, 

and all that is there. 

Just another year, 

you will exclaim, 

but when I look back, 

I am left speechless, 

still wondering the same, 

how in the world did we pull this off? 

A different city, a different life, 

still we held on, 

to each other, in a grip, 

like a vice. 

I am addicted to you, 

you are my drug to always, 

make me high, 

to push me to do things greater, 

than what I can't even thing about. 

Yes, you and I fight. 

We push each other out, 

but like the magnets attracted to each other, 

we always come back, 

stronger. harder. 

to fight the odds that we have been fighting, 

for the years that have gone by. 

In the bed, often, I have looked, 

at you, 

sleeping. snoring. just being. 

I have looked and wondered, 

yet again, how did we? 

You my love, is all I have, 

my friend, my foe, my lover, 

my partner in hell and heaven. 

Another year marks our togetherness, 

another year tells reassures us, 

that together it was, 

together it is, 

and together shall be, 

for the years to come. 

forever and always.

This changes everything!

I am going to be super cryptic in this post because the news around the change in circumstances is not my own. It is of my BFF, and even though I am superbly happy, I am extremely skeptic, and this news read with how things are in my current relationships is going to do either of the two things.

This is either going to open the can of worms/ remove the carpets on certain issues and we finally get a closure on things or its going to be a certain heart breaking happening in the events. Of course I hope and pray and I will work super hard for the first part to happen.

The year has just started and so much has already happened. All of a sudden, there is going to be things to look forward to, and things not to look forward to.

Lesson learnt. Always think before you ask for anything. 

Demons of the Past

Just because I don't say it, acknowledge it publicly doesn't mean that these demons don't eat me.

My fathers' elder brother died at the age of 48. He died on June 26, 2003. I was just about 16. He was the best bade papa ever. My childhood was mostly spent at his house, because he had a daughter who was my age. She was 5 months younger to me, but we were inseparable, often called as twins. We had the same hair, wore the same clothes, and till we hit puberty, we had similar builts as well. Chubby.

She committed suicide almost 11 months after he died. We were expecting our 12th results at that point in time. I had given an entrance exam on that day and as a matter of fact she was to come and spend the night at our house that night. She did not turn up. She said that she had things to do. From what I have heard, every thing was normal till there was some argument and then she went into her room and hung herself from the fan. But I know that she was depressed. She was inconsolable after her father's death. I was not particularly available during that time. Studies you see.
In case you are wondering, a part of me does blame myself for not being there. For not recognizing the signs and yes even for a death.

I saw her the next morning. Lying in the hospital. In a vegetative state. On a ventilator. I had told my father that day that I was willing to give away my life if that is required to keep her just alive.
She was declared dead a day or two later.

Her birthday is on January 25 and her father's on January 26. She would have turned 29 this year. He would have been 61.

We, me, are still reconciling with the deaths of these two people, which broke us. Broke the family, broke our spirits, and changed everything. You know why?
Because, my darling bade papa just refused to take his medicines. He decided not make the minor changes that were required in order to control his diabetes. Diabetes, like it is widely known cannot be cured. You have to take your medicines, have some control on your diet and include about 30 minutes of walking. But he would not budge.

We told him. We pleaded with him. We cried. We prodded. Even got intervention. But nothing helped. he continued to stubbornly not follow the doctor's orders. And in the end, he suffered for 1.5 months in an ICU undergoing dialysis and left us all, with an empty space that hurts when I see the old pictures, remember the Birthdays, the anniversaries and them missing.

Sleep that refuses to come during those phases. The uneasiness of loss, that has happened, and the one that may happen.
It is the pain that no one will understand, because each one of us has their own memories and pain. My Bua, who his fraternal twin, would never feel whole again (that is a twin thing), my father doesn't have an elder brother to call his own... I lost my own twin, my best friend, my soul mate and the only other person apart from the husband who knew all my secrets. The husband still doesn't know me that much.

All this happened, because one person decided that the rest were all fools.

And then, there is also a phrase, that history does repeat itself, and I see the other half of my soul being ripped away because of the same effortless jaunting.

If my past haunts me, that is because the present is imitating my past. And, this time, I will break, never to recover. 

The Saga of Death: Year End Saga (II)

I just did not want to write another post about death.
Death is about loss, something that I had experienced a lot (losing my loved ones, one after the other) and I had hoped that it would be a long time before this happened again.

To be fair, it was more than 10 years. It has been me who has been trying to hold time, and hoping that time doesn't affect me.

My grandmother (Dadi), the glue of my family left us for heavenly abode last week. It has been a tremendous loss to our family and while we know and understand that she was almost 85, that she had seen and lived her life fully, the emptiness of not having her around to constantly remind us to have breakfast, or to wake up, or in general being snarky is going to take a lot of time to get used to.

While we were just getting out of this shock, we received the news of my father's childhood friend just collapsing while on a walk. He was in Australia and he was not very old.

While we cope with our loss, we are also made to think, and made to realise how precious life is, that how important it is to let go of our egos and hold on to the things that just make us angry.

It is so important that we think about what is it that we would want in our life, whether it is accumulation of wealth or accumulation of loving relationships, with family and friends that would last us beyond our days of partying and drinking.

Dadi has left behind a family that is cohesive but also pretty fragile. Our inner strengths and power plays are going to be tested, and eventually (mostly willfully) some of us would have to compromise on the behaviour of the other. It is a long road ahead, and all of us can only hope.

The lessons in life, often, are not restricted to life alone. Even in death the wise leave behind the lessons that we most hold on to. 

For the 9 years of love .. and 99 more to come :D

So today is the day. 9 years back on this day, at this instant as I type this, I was in conflict with my own emotions and I was wondering, and over and over again that if I will ever find that love, if I would ever be lucky in love and above all, if my feelings for this boy are true or just a natural reaction to all the attention that I have been getting from him.

Today, we are married and even more confused. He tries his best most of the time to make sure that I am happy dappy, and I act like a prick always getting mad at him. He of course has his moments, when I am left speechless. Sometimes in a pleasant way and other times at his being so ridiculous and careless.

But mostly, we find that common ground that we have been holding on to for the last 9 long years, where we can feel the love and be the teenagers that we were, when we fell in love with each other. We have had and are still facing the troubles that there are in our daily lives. On certain days, I feel like I have bitten more than I can chew and on the other times I feel that, my appetite is still not full.  

Whatever the troubles for me, for us in the world, at least for me, the moment, I am in his arms, the solutions seem at an arms length. The impossible may not be totally possible, but then I at least try.

In the last nine years, if nothing else, I know that I have learnt to speak out. I have learnt to take chances (even if they are very few) and I have started taking responsibility for my actions.

Last 9 years, have been a like a non stop roller coaster ride, where He and I have seen so much, where he and I have lived through so much, but we still feel that there is more to live , love and be together. More fights. More kisses and more challenges.

Today, as I type this from my office, I can’t stop thinking about you. I would give anything to be with you right now, but I am sure that you will make it up for me J

I Love you!!