At first there was light

At first there was light,
and I was born,
into a world where,
I was awaited,
with baited breath, and
a lot of drama.

Its a girl,
our family gynea announced,
and that was a reason to celebrate,
a sister to my first cousin bros,
the first grandchild for my maternal grandparents,
and the first born of my parents.

I was spoilt,
not with money,
but with love,
my bua, my mamas, my dadu, dadi et all.

Life went on,
and then I grew up,
from tantrums to responsibility,
from the first born to an elder sister,
it was like a shock.

School, college,
and then there was the job,
a professional I had become,
because I did Law.

Somewhere in between,
engineering and law,
I fell in love, deep and hard.
Its been over a decade, but,
often times I look at him,
and I wonder in awe,
yes, I still have butterflies,
which flutter, unannounced.

Life as I knew it, had to change,
again, because change is the only constant,
it reminds again and again.
The love soon translated into
a societal norm,
a proposal happened,
and soon it was time to tie,
the knot.

Time flies yet again,
and I can't believe,
its been 5 years hence..
a time leap, I feel, but each year,
etched is etched in me,
like a stone that has been marked.

I try to hold time,
close my eyes, and hold on tight,
but past is just a dream,
that knit the present,
and put it together.

There is more to be conquered,
but, I don't know if I have the fight,
left in me, to make it past the night,
but each day comes with a new hope,
and each hour, I conquer,
I rejoice,
for life is a gift,
that I must appreciate, and live
it like there is no tomorrow,
with a smile, and a heart of a lion!

A journey of 12 Years

A contreversial book, 

with conspiracy galore, 

a social network website, 

with a book discussion group. 

A boy with a weird name, 

and theories totally insane, 

and a dialogue, which, 

involved a few, and then just the two. 

Friend requests exchanged, 

and tentative steps taken, 

and soon from the book, 

the discussions moved away, 

from the group to just the two. 

Soon, it was impossible to pass,

even a day without "chatting up", 

eventually, it were the phone numbers, 

that were finally exchanged. 

In between e-mails, 

chats, smses and phone calls, 

we realised, that we were in love. 

Not an infactuation, 

but in fact love. 

We had never met, and

had seen each other through, 

patchy web cams, 

and then it was time to meet, 

eight months after, 

for 2 days, that was a treat! 

Year on year, after that, 

we struggled, but we had faith, 

and an eternal hope, 

and finally we did fight the stars, 

the moon, the family, and what not, 

and almost 8 years later, 

plunged further. 

At the altar, when he waited, 

I could see, the smile that he, 

had hidden away, with a sense, 

of calm, and satisfaction, that finally, 

we are a family. 

And from that day on, we do have, 

more struggles, and the arguements, 

which seem to never end, 

but even after these 12 long years, 

a genuine conversation, a tight hug, 

and a gentle kiss, 

makes the world alright, 

even if it is for a moment (or two). 

We often compete, but, 

we know that no one but we, 

complete, each other, now, 

and forever. 

As we move into another year, 

I close my eyes, and 

reminisce, the night we decided, 

that it was love, 

not at first sight, but at a remark, 

in a group, on a website.. and 

that we were and are meant to be, 

together, 

Today, tomorrow and always!

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest of them all,
not you my dear, 

Not you at all! 

You are short in height,

But worst of all you are, 

Short in sight! 

You call yourself kind, 

Look at the words you speak, 

Nothing short of thoughtless, 

And unkind! 

You say your heart is made

Of gold, 

But oh my, that gold is nothing, 

But only unreal! 

You say you love with, 

All your might? 

Maybe because love has, 

Finally made you blind! 

Listen my dear, 

Says the mirror, 

You are nothing but a blot, 

A fault, a tangle, and quite frankly, 

My dear, 

A very hard one to detangle! 

Rules are simple as that-

Don't gloat, or gloss, 

A heart with love and kindness, 

Has no dark. 

No strings attached, 

And giving being the default option! 

You are hopeless my dear, 

I hope you know that. 

But still come back to me, 

If you have changed! 

Look at me, 

And into your soul, 

Then ask the question, 

About the fairest in the world! 

A fools love

It is often white, 

To hide your black life,

Often the easier way out, 

But a lie, my friend is just that, 

A lie. 

Sometimes it's blatant, 

The other times it is to hide, 

The truth in plain sight. 

Some say it because, 

Sheer habit trumps best of intents, 

Other claim they want you, 

To hurt less. 

Sometimes it is the, 

Demand of the situation, 

Sometimes it is just an, 

Exaggeration, 

Sometimes it is a fable, 

Other time a tall tale to tell all, 

But not the truth or the fact. 

Sometimes it is stretching, 

Too far, 

The other time it is twisting, 

The truth too out of proportion,

But still never the plain old truth. 

For someone like me, 

An easy and an emotional fool, 

Often the truth is moulded, 

Plain facts withheld or forgotten

To be told. 

A fool however remains a fool, 

Often overlooking the real truth,

Playing the trust game, 

Losing it badly. 

Misused trust, and misused sense 

Of loyalty. 

Questioning the fools worth

In liars life. 

Because truth, 

the fool was always told, 

Was a gift of trust, between,

People who love each other. 

But the lines have blurred, and 

The fool knows know more, 

If even though the fool is loved dearly, 

Then why the lies crop up? 

Is the fool loved at all? 

Or is that love- all but true? 

A fable? A tall tale or simply, 

A twisted truth. 

And fool sadly wonders, 

Does too much love and care too, 

Make people spin the stories? 

And pretend that the fool will always 

Be the fool, fooled by the people, who mean the world to the fool? 

Maybe the love is flawed, 

And it's only the web of stories, 

That keep it together? 

Or is the fool so unworthy of love and truth? 

Have you ever..

Sat and wondered, 

about how life is, and why, 

you are doing what you are, and,

why you are not doing, what thy neighbours are. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why it feels like life is a roller coaster, 

when you hate the thought of getting on one, 

in the most loved theme park? 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about why you believe, and why, 

despite it all, you have the faith? or, 

why in that Harry Potter series, 

it was only love which prevailed, and

why in real life, only persistence and will, 

will prevail. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why despite your best intentions, 

everything fucks up, 

and why, just, OH LORD why, 

things never work in your favour. 

Have you ever sat, wondered and questioned, 

the beliefs that you felt were instilled, 

not by your family or friends, but,

by the self help book, which claimed, 

that the universe has it ways, and if you really, 

really want it, it will come your way. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about, why are you always in a conflict, 

about why, you want your cake, and eat it too, 

about being jealous of people who seem to have it all, 

while you are still struggling, 

travelling 30 kms in one haul.

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

when you were told about being "lucked out", 

why is it that you are always out of luck, 

and even though you know that, 

there are ones in situations worse than you, 

you can't empatise, and still wallow about you! 

Have you ever sat, wondered, and hoped, 

that things will be set right, 

and life as we had dreamed, will, 

finally be realised, 

and all, will be okay. 

One can after all, sit, wonder, and hope against hope!

****

Have you ever sat and wondered...about why it is home that you always want to come back to,about how it is that kiss at the start of the day that lifts you up.about how that one tight embrace at the end of the nights makes everything feel worth it,about despite all the despair, it is only the love that helps you conquer it all?Have you ever sat and wondered, that you've probably lucked out on love.Love, that prevails. 

3.0

Has it been 10 years since I entered my twenties? It seems like yesterday. And as cliched as it sounds, it does seem like yesterday. And it has been half a decade since I discovered that when you hit your quarter life mark, you don't grow wings either.

I remember my 20th Birthday to the extent that I still have the collage that the sister had lovingly made for me. We had it framed and it hung proudly in my erstwhile room. I call it erstwhile, not because I am married but because the character of that room has also changed. And that change had begun exactly a year back. I surprised my parents and they surprised me back. The layout of that room and the furniture of that room had always kept me grounded, and always reminded me of the times and nights that I had spent there weaving my dreams. Now most of it is with me in my house (pati ka ghar) because I am in NCR. Including that collage- Which hangs on a wall above our bed. It is quite a placement, because on the other side of the bed is another collage that I had made on our first marriage anniversary. So when I stand on the foot of my bed, I can actually, physically see the change in the circle and see the times that have gone by and the people who I have lost on the way to death.

Apart from the BFF, the only other constant has been the Husband and I have to give it to him, I am not an easy person to deal with, and he has done it. Not only did he date me, but about 6 years back on my birthday eve, he proposed to me. We were going through all the pictures the other day on the ipad, and just as 2010 was getting over, I was like oh, after this I wont be in any pictures, only to realise that, we have been together from 2005! So yeah, my Mr. constant, and my support and my everything too!

So now, a decade later, a week to my 30th Birthday, I have been forced to sit and think about life. It has been more than a decade since I turned 18, and while the world has turned upside down, I have never assessed what I have achieved on adulting!

Whenever we have gone for job interviews, and otherwise also, we have often been advised to make life plans and life goals and garner satisfaction from achieving those goals that have been made and ticked on the "Goal List". What they don't tell you is that when life happens, the goals get fucked.

I also had a life plan. And according to that life plan, I would have had reached a point in my career where I was the boss or atleast someone senior, and that I would have had a family (kids), and a house and whatever the best version of a happily after. And trust me when I say that none of the life goals have been achieved.
I had thought that 20ies was when one struggled, and that by the time the third decade rolls in, there would be stability.

But, life happened my friends. While my BFF is settling down in a family as per her plan (yeah baby and all), we are on a completely different planet. The questions have become so uncomfortable that, I avoid unnecessary spending time at my parents. And when I have to be there, I have to change subjects because, I have no answer to their question of stability.

Life is becoming like a dark alley without a light where I am groping in the dark trying to make sense of things. I am not completely disheartened, I am just tiring down. It is like a never ending road.

I don't know, whats happening any more, and I hate the fact that I am almost 30 and I still can't control whats happening in my life.

My crazy antics, and my stupidity are the only thing that are keeping me sane, but, now life calls me to be always serious, 30 after all is a responsible age. Just about it. Or so I guess.

As I countdown (in my head) to my 30th Birthday, Madcap Loon's advice keeps pestering me- Age is nothing but a number. For men maybe. But for women, 30 is a psycological mark. It is when we start using the anti-ageging creams, and it is when we the society starts telling you that you have missed the turn, and that you better hurry and hope that your child is healthy when you have him/her. This is also an age when however hard you try, even air makes you fat and then it takes you forever to shed it off, when you need a full night's sleep to recover from a late night party and all of a sudden there are friends who seem all grown up, and make you feel juvinile.

I don't regret the last 29 years of my life in any manner, I do believe in whatever happens, happens for the best. But, in the next decade, I think, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be less stressed. I want to be more settled, and I want to be at peace.
And all of this- I want with the Husband.

Let us see, from here, where life goes!

Re-defining, from inside to outside!

In your eyes I looked, 

a future, like an adventure, 

a trail of discovery, 

with more thorns and less moss; 

but nevertheless you hold on.

Slowly the adventure turns, 

now it is a venture; 

a slow execruciating process; 

of an everyday; 

and of struggle, that defines; 

a struggle that confines. 

Of cutting corners; 

to make the ends meet; 

of loving a little less; 

and exisiting a little bit more. 

Eagerly pushing one happiness

behind the rock; 

to see the smile on your face; 

with the happiness that you hoped for. 

In our little world; 

the struggles become real; 

the adventure becomes; 

mis-adventures. 

The daily becomes the norm; 

and excitement is just another word;

to put behind the rock. 

Befooling myself on my ability; 

for I still hope that being with me;

excites you more.

More than a piece of wire; 

a piece of music. 

But love is nothing but a mirage; 

life on the other hand a jarring light; 

that wakes you up and throws you down. 

and that is when you get up; 

redefine; 

love;

life; 

dreams and hopes; 

and still hold on, 

for faith and belief,

are like that little plank of wood;

keeping you afloat, in a tide, 

called life. 

I am addicted to you!

Time goes by, 

in a frenzy of the everyday life, 

there are times when you feel, 

just the need to be.. 

but even in those times, 

I know, that you are by my side. 

Love is neither easy, 

nor is it sane, 

but what is life without, 

some difficulty, madness, 

and all that is there. 

Just another year, 

you will exclaim, 

but when I look back, 

I am left speechless, 

still wondering the same, 

how in the world did we pull this off? 

A different city, a different life, 

still we held on, 

to each other, in a grip, 

like a vice. 

I am addicted to you, 

you are my drug to always, 

make me high, 

to push me to do things greater, 

than what I can't even thing about. 

Yes, you and I fight. 

We push each other out, 

but like the magnets attracted to each other, 

we always come back, 

stronger. harder. 

to fight the odds that we have been fighting, 

for the years that have gone by. 

In the bed, often, I have looked, 

at you, 

sleeping. snoring. just being. 

I have looked and wondered, 

yet again, how did we? 

You my love, is all I have, 

my friend, my foe, my lover, 

my partner in hell and heaven. 

Another year marks our togetherness, 

another year tells reassures us, 

that together it was, 

together it is, 

and together shall be, 

for the years to come. 

forever and always.

Instructions to the Husband!

So this is what I want you to do,

Today when you come home,

Look in my eyes,

Deeply, to see my soul, my heart,

That craves for you;

Lean in to me,

Taste my lips, savour them,

A taste that you love,

Igniting a thousand throes,

Of passion in you, and,

In me;

Push me back, away from,

Your face, look at me,

Again,

Tracing your fingers,

On my face, committing to memory,

The face that you loved,

Love still;

With your thumb,

Rub off the black kohl,

The red lipstick,

Colour my face with your,

Passion;

Open my mane,

Freeing it from the bounds,

Of the hair tie, that holds them

Back,

Let them tumble down;

Now, peel off that dress,

Slowly,

Soaking in my skin, my limbs,

Not as beautiful as before,

But still yours,

Now and Forever;

And finally, love me,

Hold me, make us feel,

Like one,

Like the fire works,

In the night sky!

Oh baby,

Make me yours, own me,

All over again!!

Scared

You normally don't say, 

when things don't go according to,

how you state, 

you silently brood,

mostly buried in your phone.

So, when you do burst, 

like a volcano, active, 

after being dormant, 

you make for a scary sight,

taking your fury out,

with a full might.

I don't know,

what ticks you off any more, 

maybe that is the reason, 

why I don't say anything, 

any more. 

I want to tell you,

that I ain't feeling loved, 

it doesn't mean, that you haven't loved me,

before, 

but off late, there is no love, 

anywhere, anymore.

I get angry, 

I burst out, right there, 

making sure that I am heard, 

and then like it starts, 

all that anger subsides,

because, there is no respite, 

from things as to how you want,

without letting me in, 

in your world now.

There are things that I wish to share,

but then when I turn to you, 

I stare, 

at the backside of the ipad, 

when you are enjoying your "me time", 

leaving me to wonder, 

if at all, there is ever going to be,

some time slotted, 

for "us", for the time being. 

You care for your sanity, 

I care for sanctity, 

of a relationship that enjoins two people,

in love, health, sickness, and loneliness. 

I start to speak, 

wondering if you would care,

to listen to more complaints of the, 

love that lacks, 

without the blame, that,

I have forgotten the past, 

your anger, 

the brood scares me, 

again,

and I shut up. 

Only to stare at the back of the,

ipad,

Yet again!

Y is for You

I walk alone,

In a path that is so unknown,

Falling, stumbling, and getting along,

Holding hands of my dear daddy all along,

And then came YOU,

Stumbling, falling, but yet walking,

I fell,

You gave me your hand,

I stood up, You smiled,

THE smile, that made my heart,

Flutter along…

You proposed an idea,

That maybe we should walk,

Together, You said,

We may be able to find a path,

You put your hand out,

I took it,

Shook it, and we became friends,

To walk the path;

Unknown, stumbling, but walking along;

Then the realization dawned;

Sheepish to begin with, I blurted it out loud,

I liked the feel of your hand in mine,

You in turn blushed and agreed;

A few more steps we took,

Treading yet, again a path unknown,

Still you held on,

You supported, pushed me,

To excel, to reach out, and to be more;

Daddy was still there,

His encouragement, always coupled,

With Your push, making an

Achievement more meaningful than ever;

Years passed;

We fought,

You Held, I tried to shake of Your hand,

You still held, till I relented,

Accepted that my stupidity is what led me astray,

Then you popped the question,

With a ring,

A cake, but mostly with Love,

That poured, pure and nothing more.

It was a YES!

A joyous occasion, made even more,

By YOU, yet again!

 

Today, we are still walking a path,

Unknown to say the least,

Yet, We hold on!

It is You, who makes me,

The whole I am;

Love riddled with questions,

Questions without answers,

In a journey of life, together,

Now & Forever,

I am exultant,

To say the least,

That my fellow traveller,

Lover, friend is none other,

But YOU..

In a path so unknown,

Walking, stumbling, but still Holding On.

 

 

W is for Waste

What did you waste today?
A lot of time,
staring into the nothingness,
of dreaming a dream,
that is nothing more than,
a waste of dreams...

So what did you waste today?
A lot of money,
in buying the fancy shoes,
that I wont wear again,
But what do I do..
The shoes, are what bring me,
the hollow happiness.
But Happiness nevertheless.

So what did you waste today?
A little bit of food,
a lot of water, and a good amount of
electricity;
I have the means, I shall pay,
and I shall not conserve,
Tomorrow is unknown,
Live today is what I believe!

Just Imagine,
had our parents wasted it all,
the money, the time,
the resources,
would we have had any?
The time to waste,
the money to waste,
and the resources to plunder!

Let us think, twice!
Make time your friend,
dream the dream,
live the dream,
donate a smile,
adopt a pet..
Love a lot..
Because, when you love in excess,
you ain't wasting anything,
You are just gaining,
More love, more happiness,
More dreams!

V is for Virtues, Vanity & Vice

Let us try and define the terms,

Virtue, Vanity and Vice!

Lets start with the most sought one,

The virtue they say is what

shall make us and the almighty one..

I wonder though, when He put us on earth,

If He whispered about the acts as virtuous,

Or are these just made for us, by us,

To believe in the concept of a heaven and a hell!

 

Vanity, they say is nothing too nice,

But I feel, it was makes me feel,

Like a nice aged wine,

Perfect to the core,

It makes one believe,

In their ability to take on the world!

Am I ready to take world by storm?

Na, it’s too much of work,

I’d rather sit and stir a storm,

In my own little world!!

 

If you have a vice,

You are not very nice!

But it is the nasty things,

That add the spice,

To the otherwise,

Boring, mundane and the repetitive

Life!

 

My virtues, vanity & vices,

Are all that I have,

Those have made me,

Who I am!

Love me or hate me,

But never belittle me..

I abide by my virtues, my vanity and vices,

Because it is not you,

But I,

Who shall face the Almighty,

For all the deeds done by thy!

 

 

R is for Role-Play

Born into the arms of love,

Hopefully a child of love,

Ah, I am being hailed as a daughter,

That surely means that I am loved.

 

I am a daughter I am told,

The one who holds the flag

Of not one but of two families high,

 

I am the sister,

I tie the rakhi to my brother,

Because it is he who is the protector,

But it is I who has to protect,

To shield him, from the parents,

After a brawl at school, or a drunken night out

With his friends;

 

I am the wife to the one,

With whom I am to spend the rest of my life,

Holding fort for him and his family alike,

 

Then I am a mother,

Giving birth to new life,

Protecting it nurturing it,

Hoping for the best for the rest of her life;

 

And, then, I lie in the bed,

Ready to embrace thy death,

Satisfied that I have played all the roles,

(hoping) really well;

I close my eyes,

To reflect the past,

To see me playing the roles;

Of daughter, sister,

Wife, and mother;

 

And then I jolt back up,

Only to realize,

That all my life,

I was nothing, but a ‘role’,

In someone else’s life;

 

Who was I? Where was I?

The woman who loved to dance,

The one who had dreams to lead,

The next super power;

The one, who thought, that,

There was no end to possibilities;

Till of course, came the game to role play;

 

Playing all the roles only too well,

Losing yourself, immersing yourself,

In characters assigned to me;

Forgetting who I was, and now,

Not believing,

Who I am!

 

What is life, but role play,

The Seven Stages, called by

Shakespeare;

 

Don’t empower us to freedom;

Just empower us to believe,

That,

There is more to us;

Than,

Mere role plays!

P is for Personal Space

That little space around you, which no one can touch.
Your inner most thoughts,
The ones, delved deep in your heart,
etched in your memory,
Just for you.

Dreams, that remain,
closed behind your shut eye,
forced to be abort,
because of the circumstances.

But in your personal space,
in a world of your own,
you live them,
unfold them, and then pack them,
back to when the reality strikes.

Sometimes in life,
there comes that someone,
to whom you bear it all,
the unfulfilled dreams,
the secret goals, to have it all..

In a bid to win that trust,
you only hope, that,
your bare soul, is not Hurt,
that your heart does deserve,
to be heard..

And, then, you start creating,
again a personal space,
from the one to who,
you bared it all..
Wall him again,
from the thoughts that are,
yours, only yours alone,
and dreams yet again,
lived in your own,
Personal Space.

Till the time comes,
again,
to bare is all out..
to some one else!

M is for Memories

On days which are bleak and dull,

When all you can feel,

Is being numb..

I close my eyes,

Delve deep in my heart,

And go romance my memories.

 

Feel the flutter of the hearts,

As I felt the first rush of falling in love,

And the butterflies, when finally, we kissed.

The sadness, of losing the ones you love,

And the euphoria of the childhood dreams,

Dreamt under the summer sun.

 

You can’t change the past they say,

Nor the future that has already been writ,

You can though, in your present, start

Making the memories that make you who you are,

They give you the strength to love,

The rage to hate,

The reason to sometimes move on,

But mostly,

Memories are the moments captured,

In your heart and mind,

Which can be accessed, any time,

Day or night,

For us to see, feel..

And be one,

With the ones, who we cannot be one with,

 With our forgotten selves,

And the life gone by..