Sweet November..

Sweetness, yet to come.
Sweetest, when I start the newest journey, with You..

November is here. So are the nerves. Soon, life shall change.
Of course, I will keep you all posted.. but after a nice long break.

See you on the other side of being married! 

The dark side of me...

I have never really been an introvert. Actually, the fact of the matter is that I am outspoken, like to go yap yap and yap, and don't realise when to shut up.

I have not learnt the art of "Shutting up". 

Fiance and my parents have been trying forever. Dadi keeps on saying that, I need to learn to JUST SHUT UP. 

But amongst all the traits that I have, I also have the trait of not listening to people around me. 

There is something known as constructive criticism that people normally take in their stride. But, I am me and I can never really take constructive critique without feeling a hit to my own ego. It can't get worse than this, can it? 

I have a new friend. And the way he put it for me, absolutely on my face, for some very weird reason, it hit me really hard. 

I really thought high about myself, and wow, was I wrong, or was I wrong.. so here is a low down on my self, that I never knew that I would be making:

1. I am an attention seeker: I always knew that I wanted to be special to someone. And, even though I am, I the attention it seems is not enough. I am always seeking for more (especially, since Fiance doesn't have the time and that spoils the fun.)

2. I am possessive: And by possessive I mean, I am possessive about my relationships. All of them. 

3. Everything is NOT about me: If someone laughs and I am around, then they are laughing at me. If someone is whispering and I am around, then it is about me. And worse of all, if someone is upset at any goddamn thing in the world then the reason is me. 

4. People have other things apart from me: People have other friends. They have families and above all they have their own lives and they are not answerable to me. 

5. I really need to think and speak: The world doesn't come to an end, if I don't express an opinion or if I can do away with not talking at all. The whole saying "Ek chup sau sukh"   ought to be reiterated and embedded in me. I really should shut up. 

6. Everyone has their own story and their own ups and downs, I have my own and I should not fuck up other people's lives because I "perceive" something out of their behaviour. Even after being with a person for so many years and talking to him/her for hours, one can't really tell about what one is thinking and what is going through one's head. Imagine, and on basis of absolute random conversations in bad moods. 

7. I Judge: I was proud of the fact that I was never the judgmental type, till this absolute stranger at a party last week said, that "You are very judgmental"; and I was thrown off. Of course, it was a come and a go comment, that I brushed off. Yesterday, it came back.

8. I was proud of the fact that I always "maintained" a relationship, without realizing that, a relationship, any for that matter requires space and freedom to breathe. I am so scared of losing a friend (even a foe) that I choke. Always looking for a reassurance.

9. Insecurity: Of self and about the others. Mostly, straddling others with mine.

10. I am no mother teresa: And I really should accept that. I can't keep making sure that others are happy, and that I made "Difference" in their lives. No one has given me that right. I shouldn't expect that too.

11. Control thy fire: I can be really nasty with the way I say certain things. It can be my dislike or my unhappiness, but the way I say is super nasty.

12. The child needs to grow up. I owe up to my mistakes. But, I need to really stop giving explanations about my mistakes. To err definitely is human, but really, I can't always err and then cite the fact that I am human. I need to be more responsible about my actions.

13. Living in expectations: And then suffering the heart break, and then reacting in the MOST inappropriate manner possible. Life is too short to expect from ANYONE. I should accept that, and move on.

14. Clingy: I can't be clingy. Period. It sucks.

15. I am always angry at the world. Because rest of the world is better off than my own little world. Reality check. Grass is fucking not always greener on the other side. Life sucks. That is the way it is. Period.

I do want make a difference by being a part of people's lives. But now that I have been told bluntly, I agree, I just have to be there, not cling, not push. I have to open my mind and make sure that, I am able to pick up the thread of the story my friendships, without the maintenance bit.
I have been told not to change.
I am just wondering which part do the people refer to, considering most of the others find my overtly, sweet, cute and helpful nature a little too fake in this big bad world.
This baby needs to stop constantly hoping to be babied.. Time to grow up. 

For the Fiance

I love this song.. the lyrics are beautiful. Essentially, this song elaborates on the theory of "Love is always Enough".







There is this line in the song that says..
"Pyaar ke sikkon se..mahine kharcha chale..."

You know, I loved this movie too. It was a love story. I had to love it. But, more so, I connected with it. I too yearn us to be one of those couples who die in each other's arms. I think, that would be a life well lived. One with no regrets.
I am not shy of saying, that even though we have been dating well over 7 years, I have just grown to love you more. Never less. Somehow it is hard to imagine the last so many years without you being a part of it. I wonder where I would have been. But then, I stop, because, that is worthless exercise. Life without you is nothing short of incomplete.

So, as we move into the last phase before the biggest day of our lives, I want to dedicate this song to you.. hoping that within the realms of reality of running a married life, we don't forget the innocence of the True Love that we carried within us this far...

I love you!

Anxiety Struck

Here is a tip (which I have repeated often) and I am repeating again... 

It is mostly fun to plan other people's wedding and when it is time for your own, be smart, take the easy route. Court Marriage. 

Every morning I get up with a confident smile, and repeat the fact, that everything will take shape in due course of time. 

BUT- Every little thing, unnerves me. A phone call about the cards going awry.. or that there are still things that need to be worked out, and are not being worked out.. for any or every reason whatsoever, and wham- I am unnerved. I am anxiety struck. 

It is just amazing. How every little thing- magnifies, because it is related to the wedding. 

Poor Fiance , he is at the receiving end of all my rants and in the end, we have a fight over something stupid. 

The not getting adequate sleep obviously adds fuel to fire. 

Basically- I have no idea why this post is up.  

Somewhere in the 60's

Whilst the 90's were carefree, 80's bought in the panic that I really did not realise would come, considering we had (or so we thought) ample amount of time to get things organized.

And during the 70's, or some part of those days, bf .. oops fiance was here in Delhi. So we had a week full of dinners, and lunches, and loads loads and loads of shopping! In the last so many years, he and I have never shopped in the quantum that we shopped for during the week that he was here.

The clothes seem to be a never ending process. The moment you think that you have things under control, something new manages to pop up. I am still amazed at the fact that I am going to pack up my entire life or the 26 years of it in three bags (large, medium and small) and start a new.

And now that we are in the 60's , I am anxiety ridden. All of a sudden, I feel that we have wasted so much time in making the lists and nothing really has been done.  Obviously, the world, including the Fiance thinks otherwise.
To add to my panic, I have one of the other best friend getting married, and his engagement is happening like in 10 days and I am getting his dance performances prepared, so in between trying to organizing everything for my wedding to helping him out, I think that I have the right to be super stressed.

The office has become an escape. Especially on days when I have no time to breathe at all. There are new girls in office, similar age as mine, and who are amongst other things not fake and are genuine warm souls. One of them is still in her first year of marriage, and trust her to give me all the tips. About everything that matters. From what to talk, to how to behave.. it is very interesting to know about how you change after marriage. Oh, I need to name her.. "MAG". So MAG one day told me, that do whatever, when you come back home the next morning for the "Pag Feras", you will be a grown up. Just like that.
That obviously scares the shit out of me. But, then, eventually, that was to happen.
Any ways, with the amount of "Tips & Tricks" that I have been getting for the wedding and the life thereafter, I can write a book about it. I will definitely blog about it, when I get the time to!

I have to apologise for my intermittent presence on the blogosphere. I really am lacking time. The mandatory birthday post also couldn't be put up.
So I'll just put it here.. Fiance was here for the Birthday. Fiance, BFF, the other Best Friend, Cousins and sister gave me a midnight surprise.. followed by breakfast with the best friend and the cousin; lunch was with the Fiance and dinner with the family. The most memorable part of the birthday was Fiance being around me "officially" :)

So here I am. 26 years. Getting married in 2 months and absolutely lost about the ways of the world.

PS: A 12 year old poet is on blogospehere.. his blog is called SirRhymesAlot. Go have a dekko and leave the budding poet a word or two of encouragement :)

Miss me.. till I post next :D 

On the 99th Day

I want to thank all of you for the wishes.. this day bought with it the experience of being away from the current family.
There was a "Family Kitty", which randomly resumed after 5 odd years.. just like that. So, since in the last 5 years there have additions to the "khandaan", that was- This was supposed to be a huge kitty.. we had the newly wed couple, and the little 6 month old niece of my cousin... and I decided to stay back.

To see, the pangs that I would eventually get, because I know I wont be a part of "All" family events that will happen. Surprisingly, I just had pizza for comforting myself, and kept my thoughts positive. I got to know that the newly weds were there and so was the 6 month old niece.. and normally my parents would.. but no one told me.. that the family was asking about me ... sort of disheartening.. made me wonder, if they did not ask about me, or my parents forgot to mention that it to me.

It is such a confusing time for a girl, to feel excited about the new life, and at the same time, realizing each day that her time with her family and parents is shortened.
Taking each day as it comes.. deciphering the feelings.. that pull me apart.. questions my sanity.. but also teaches me perseverance.. each day. 

As we go from 100 to 99...

Have you ever count down to something that you have been looking forward to?
Have you EVER anticipated the time that elapses.. about how much of that thing.. that day will change your life? And, how!

I wanted to write a long elaborate post... but really, all I have to say is that...
Shayon & I are getting married.
In November. This year.

And, life has been enough of a roller coaster, and in 100 more days, my entire entity of my being will change, and while I look forward to the marriage in the wedding... I am also trying to hold on to each moment with my parents... my family...

Shayon and I need all the blessings that we can to start the newest phase of our lives..