Monday, January 26, 2009

Can anyone be guilty of being themselves?


May be this is not the right question that I should ask... but well, my dear readers you should decide whether the question posed by me is right or wrong...
And since we are on the whole thing of right and wrong, i'll start by defining right and wrong... In one of the endless sensible talks that I was having with Shayon, I had asked him to define right and wrong to me... he had simply replied ' Beauty lies in the eyes of the Beholder', simply meaning that what might be right for you may not be right for me...!!! 
But, I am just wondering, then why are bought up on the very same concept of 'this is right and that is not'... thus making it very diffucult for me to make decisions about MY LIFE...!!
MY LIFE- another bone of contention between my conscience and myself..... what is the extent of my right... on MY LIFE... since my parents bring me up and all...!!!
Thus whenever I have to make a decision about anything, be it about spending money on eating out... or be it a huge decision relating to my career... the right and the wrong factor.. along with MY LIFE factor comes in tugs in my head. 
I feel that- I shouldn't take a decision that is going to hurt my parents, but does taking a decision that would make my parents happy, make me happy?
You know something as little as the fact that my parents did not let me and my sister go river water rafting because they were scared... still gets me angry at times, because, even though we smiled and said, its ok... we were disappointed in our parents.... because we really wanted to do that... but dint do it.
This was something very little, may be not life altering... but yeah later in life... this scares me. I want to be what I am. But, then here at home, the general atmosphere and the way my parents talk about things I just cant be me. The guilt factor, over powers.... 
Even today I wish that I had put my foot down 6-7 years back when my mom was doing everything to get my school changed and all. I knew in my heart that, I am not gonna be happy, but then, this made my mom happy, and I did it... and consequently ended up taking the wrong subjects, screwing up my boards... and a year in college. ( I know this might be the lamest blaming...)
Ofcourse, my father, after I decided to drop engineering told me that I lacked the decision making powers, and therefore I landed in Law. (Later, now he is proud that am in law...) But, I still wish I could be more strong in pursuing what I like. Being the eldest and therefore (by fluke) the more responsible one, expectations increase...!!!
This was the past.
Now, I am scared for future.
Shayon as you all know is in Delhi. And I want to tell about 'us' to my parents. I know its going to hurt them alot. Big betrayal n all, because I have been dating him for 4 years and sneaking a trip to Mumbai each year for like three years... (even if out of the last three trips he was there for like two of them..), I know there is going to be drama... and my mom might even slap me, but the worst is gonna be when they will say ' Sakshi, we did not expect this out of you'. And then the ' I hurt them, I am a bad daughter'... thing will start.
My father is a practical man... but my mom has temper that is well known by the entire extended family. And I don't want, decision about with whom I want to spend my life with to be forced upon me... I advocate alot to the girls who leave everything and get married coz their parents asked em to. I don't want to be the victim. 
Please give me strength.
My career, having a father in the same profession is a bad thing, especially when you do not want to join him. 
Going to Mumbai for a month for internship is a different ball game and to go join a huge law firm outside Delhi, is going to be a toughie again.
And God only knows what is going to happen... 
I had shed tears when I was leaving Mumbai- because- I was coming back to being a person that I am tired of portraying... the smiles... the laughs and the ' miss goody two shoes'... I am a 22 year old trying to find my way in the big bad world... but how can I do that if I don't know who I am... I feel like Maggie Carpenter from Runaway Bride, who did not even know what kinds of eggs she like...
I don't want to make a joke of my life, I just want to be me... and this is turning out to be a tough job. 
Feeling guilty- of making decision for myself...!!! Now that is called being spineless...!!! 

5 comments:

Shāyon said...

I have already told you this story, but I shall repeat it again for the benefit of the others.

It had once happened in the famed Alipur zoo in Kolkata. Apparently the population of the chimpanzees in the zoo had been diminishing at an alarming rate and the authorities were getting panicked by the phenomenon. They had tried their level best to make the only left female chimpanzee to breed but to no avail. I think she had even given birth to 2 still borns. Anyway, one day things looked very bright and the chimpanzee finally gave birth to a baby. Now, she too was a mother at the end of the day and was too elated to have finally gotten a child. She would never allow the zoo authorities go near the kid and always keep him by her side. A few days later, the authorities discovered that the baby was dead because the mother had hugged him too tight and choked him to death, while demonstrating her love for him.

The lesson to be learnt out of this is every parent loves his kid and wants kim to be the best and most loved. It's just at times the exhibition of love gets too suffocating and chokes the child.

That chimpanzee was just a baby and had no voice. As for the reast of us humans, we must learn the limit to which we should 'tolerate' being in the uncomfortable situation before we speak out. Because more often than not, the parent doesn't even realize that his love could ever choke his kid to death. And more often than not, they do check themselves once they are alerted of the consequences of their actions.

I think I have made myself very clear here and do not need to word everything out. All I'll ask of you is to be patient and try to figure out the sweet spot when you speak of your side of the story while hurting your parents the least!

Sakshi said...

Thank you sweetie...!!!
I know you understand that what I have been going thru...!!!

roop said...

darlin'

you remind me of myself a few years ago!!! i think almost every indian girl that age who has a mind of her own goes through that. all indian parents tend to be more controlling than they should be. they need to learn to let their kids go after a certain age .. say 18? and let them make their own decisions so that they LEARN. parents fear that kids might fail and that's why always try to make decisions for kids because they feel that they know better than kids ... but that's wrong on their part ... because kids need to learn and accept failure too in that age so that failure in later stages of life when parents aren't around doesn't destruct them.

every individual should learn how to accept failure ... and if parents don't let go, we'll never learn ...

it's a given that no indian parent would let go. u have to drag yourself out by force. it will hurt u. it will hurt them but u must do it for your betterment in the long run. your mom has no right to hit you at 22. not even slap. you are a grown up woman who should be able to make your own choices and live your life as you choose it. it won't be easy though in the environment you are in. it will be real tough but u have to do it for your own sake. ...

either you keep leading a life or u live a life! choice is always yours. it's unfortunate it's tougher on us girls .... but struggle like this makes us tougher and builds our character that rarely many people can. think of it as a blessing, struggle hard, get to know urself better, fear none ... and NEVER feel guilty! u know that u won't ever do anything bad to your parents ... they have to ocme to realize eventually that they shouldn't do anything bad to u either for example not letting you be who u are.

they will realize it. in time. maybe many years but it will happen. u have to fight for it. do it!

roop said...

darlin'

you remind me of myself a few years ago!!! i think almost every indian girl that age who has a mind of her own goes through that. all indian parents tend to be more controlling than they should be. they need to learn to let their kids go after a certain age .. say 18? and let them make their own decisions so that they LEARN. parents fear that kids might fail and that's why always try to make decisions for kids because they feel that they know better than kids ... but that's wrong on their part ... because kids need to learn and accept failure too in that age so that failure in later stages of life when parents aren't around doesn't destruct them.

every individual should learn how to accept failure ... and if parents don't let go, we'll never learn ...

it's a given that no indian parent would let go. u have to drag yourself out by force. it will hurt u. it will hurt them but u must do it for your betterment in the long run. your mom has no right to hit you at 22. not even slap. you are a grown up woman who should be able to make your own choices and live your life as you choose it. it won't be easy though in the environment you are in. it will be real tough but u have to do it for your own sake. ...

either you keep leading a life or u live a life! choice is always yours. it's unfortunate it's tougher on us girls .... but struggle like this makes us tougher and builds our character that rarely many people can. think of it as a blessing, struggle hard, get to know urself better, fear none ... and NEVER feel guilty! u know that u won't ever do anything bad to your parents ... they have to ocme to realize eventually that they shouldn't do anything bad to u either for example not letting you be who u are.

they will realize it. in time. maybe many years but it will happen. u have to fight for it. do it!

Sakshi said...

Thanks a ton Roop...!!! coming from a girl this means alot...!!!