Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Because I am a Woman!

It is the International Women's Day.
I have worn a saree to work. The Indian forward feminists may say that a western outfit would have been more fitting, since we fight about women being suppressed by the attire prescribed by the society (read: anything which is western/ non-Indian). But I think our fight with the society is "Shut the fuck up, and stop judging me by what I wear".

But I don't want to talk about the bigger picture today, like I did last year. Today, as a woman,  I want to talk about my own struggles. The small battles that I fight with myself as I try to grapple with the world.  Maybe next year when I look back to this post, my battles would have changed, but I would want to re- read about the road and the thoughts that I had in my mind. Or I may just never re visit this post. But, then I am a woman, and I am the epitome of being unpredictable. So here goes.


Dear "You - are- almost -thirty" Self,

How has the move to Delhi been? You have been here about 3 odd months (or lil more or less, I guess) and you lost your grand ma, and have moved to NCR. Despite knowing the fact that unless you get a job near your home, come what may you will be travelling. A lot. And so you are. The good thing being that Delhi is travel worthy and Mom's home is stone throw away from office!

You love your new house. Its spacious and has balconies all around it. Even though there is dampness on the walls, you love coming back to your house and not the cramped apartment in Goregaon.

You have gained a lot of weight, and even though you don't say it, you hate it and are looking for a miracle to happen. A miracle by the name of motivation and energy that pushes you to wake up in the morning. It just doesn't seem to happen.

You have been attending weddings in a row, and while you are exhilarated at the whole wedding socializing, admit it; its tiring. Especially because, the Husbands doesn't like it. So he skips it, and all evening you see couples around, and miss him and make up excuses of his absence. Sometimes you wish he would not make it so difficult. But then he is he. When was the last time he made it any easier for you?

Your best friend is having a baby. Two other friends are having babies too. Couple of other have also either had their babies or are in the process. You are on the other hand bombarded with expectations because obviously you are a woman and your biological clock it ticking. But you are conflicted. And admit it, while you are open to adoption (and want to adopt for sure) you want to feel the joy of being pregnant (they do say that is the best time for a woman) and you are fuck scared that you will not be able to conceive or that the husband may not want the kids despite what he says.

You are spread too thin. You are jumping between getting to work, getting back home, in between trying to keep your parents happy, his father okay, and ensuring that you have a life. You recently went to the parlour, and while you enjoyed the cleaning up session, and all the praises that you gave to the husband, in that corner of your brain you are trying to reason out with yourself that the money you spent on yourself was worth it (even though you should not). You have been worried about the money situation for a while. But you should breathe a little,

You think that you have learnt the art of picking up the battles that need to be fight, but in your heart you know that the list doesn't decrease at all. On the contrary, it is always increasing. You think that you have cracked the code, at least a part of it so that you can stay happy, and find some peace. But your over thinking brain hasn't let you have a night of peaceful sleep in a long time.

Because you are a woman, you feel that you need to be the super woman. The one who takes care of it all. But, you are a super woman. You have been playing all the roles. You have experienced some love, but mostly pain. You are tired, a little unsatisfied, struggling mostly to find some answers.

But you are you. And tomorrow will be a better day. Remember it. Today and tomorrow.

The only one who can read your mind self!

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