How "Not" to be a Boss

I have had a plethora of bosses, with each one giving me something or the other to ponder about. As chance would have it, most of my bosses have been women, and that have made things slightly complicated (You women are complicated beings!)

So while the post is going to be a critical analysis of the Bosses and lessons to take from itr, they are purely my own, and IF any of my bosses is reading this, then well, take it with a pinch of salt!!

Ms. MA:
My first boss, who is as fierce a feminist as can be. Someone whose husband is a foreigner and stays in a foreign land, and she was managing a long distance marriage (at that point in time, I could not piece together my relationship over a distance!) and she taught me that I would not want to have a life where I cannot balance my asperations along with my family. She also taught me that there is absilutely no short cut to success, but time management makes working smarter an easy solution.

Ms.PC:
She was/ is my mentor. She may not have the hard hitting attitude, but she sure does have a lot of patience. She taught me the value of confidence, of reading and learning, and she has constantly been my guide. She has taught me grit (she is a single mom, who is raising a teenage son, with a heart of Gold). I have learnt from her never to give up, and the fact that as a boss, if you trust your junior, you will always always get loyalty in return.

Ms. SS & Mr. RS:
These were my bosses in the "corporate world" and have taught me so much about corporate politics that it makes me shudder to the core. Ms. SS, has taught me how not be a bitch who gets swayed by anything and everything, and how important is it to use your own brains to make the most important decisions.
Mr. RS has taught me that, when you act like a "SOB", then you will loose good talent, and your own ego will make you choose the most wrong people for the jobs that they are doing.

Both of them also taught me, that it is a very bad idea to look at things from one perspective, and being non appreciative about the things that have been done by your juniors over the years and otherwise.
They also taught me the imporance of appreciation (rather non- appreciation).

Dr. PA & BNM:
The current crop of bosses. The more you say about them, the less it is. They have taught me the most in the last 8 months of my stint here.
One of the primary lessons that I have learnt is about deciet.. Yes you read that right. When you promise something and do something else.
The next lesson that I have learnt here is about pulling the strings from behind a puppet, and how easy it is for you to do that if you have the money.
The other lesson that I have learnt is about knowledge. While Ms. PC was weak in certain portions of law, she would always ask for help, and trust the person who has more knowledge than her to ensure that correct advise is given. Here, even though, the knowledge bank is empty and the people who know their stuff are willing to help, the trust is missing.
Micro management is another aspect that is a part of the deal.. when you micro manage and don't trust, you will have people (even the most loyal ones) resenting you all the time.

These are just a few things that I have learnt, and I hope that whenever, I have a set of juniors I am able to take the good and leave the rest.

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 

Out (Perform)

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. - Iyanla Vanzant"


The above lines appeared with the picture below it on a page that a frequent on Facebook called "berlin-artparasites". The lines that they often quote, sometimes with a known author, sometimes with unknown authors. These lines, most often than not resonate with the feelings that most of the world is feeling at that point time (going by the thousands/ lakhs of likes and comments).

This one in particular, left me thinking. And thinking. I have been thinking about these lines for almost a week and every time I have read them, I want to break down and cry. I want to curl up into this ball on a hard cold floor and cry myself out of the misery that I feel for the life that I have created.
[Now, before you all start dreading about my relationship with the Husband let me clear the air to tell you that it is not about the "personal" problems, but professional ones]


So, if everything is a reflection of what I believe about myself then in that case, I am doomed (or not). I think very highly of myself as a lawyer. I believe that I am good. (I mean, I do give freelance advisory and all), but then there are instances that make me self doubt my abilities. The doubt being of a kind that spirals out of control and makes me lose  my mind over every aspect of my life. My faith in myself so far as my career goes has gone down the drain. There is nothing to show but bad decisions made at desperate times leading to one disaster over other. It is these disasters that leave me with a hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach about the belief that I have about being a lawyer.

I try to be careful. Cautious. But, my ability to take really bad decisions over takes my ability of taking informed decisions. Just too many things, too many equations and boom, I land in trouble again.
It is not a hidden fact that I abhor my current retainer position. I cry silently even in office, it is that bad. I hate the fact that the miracles that happen, the sudden good things the one opportunity to change my life is just not coming along. I can't fathom, as to is this just pure bad luck for me? Because I know that I am a hard- working girl. But, it is just not happening.

Today the "lawyers" in the office have got their incentives, but, that doesn't happen for me. Because I have been told not to count myself as a lawyer (and to imagine that I changed from an in-house position to be more of a lawyer). I am trying to see the "good" in the "worse" kind of situation but, I am losing it. The only reason I am holding on to my sanity is because of the constant support of my dear Husband.
You know how people just know that they are on the right track and then things just fall in place for them.. my things are not falling into place at all. I haven't had a happy coincidence in ages and I am hating that.
How do I out-perform my own self? My self doubts and above all my habit of making bad decisions, because, I am unable to draw my worth to my at all.. how do I go past that??

The Chipped Nail Paint

It was this particular thing about the nail paint on my finger nails that used to irritate me the most. All through college and till about 5 months back I used to avoid putting nail paint on my finger nails. It was a pain to paint them, and then, more of a pain to see them chipped (It makes one look shabby), and then to take it off and to re-apply as necessary.

This newest fad of mine, makes me think of how far have I come from being who I was. This of course is not the only thing that has made me think that I have "changed".

I feel, that I am no more that person who was happy, dappy and had a carefree attitude to the world. This of course being a down side of always being at home and always being under the shadow. This care free attitude being one of the downside. The other being that you were always under the scanner. Always in the bracket of the "Girl who (does/ does not) disappoint". Trust me when I say that, I always wanted to tick the does not disappoint box. And it is a hard task at that. Because, that obviously means putting what the other person wants before what you want. And, there are enough posts with those recollections.
But.
Now.
I.
AM.
STUCK.

I can't make a single decision without putting too many variables at play. It is like: "I think, the best solution to rid ourselves of the packing boxes in the house are to invest in a  couple of cane storage solutions".
Variable "Expenses: How much will it cost. (Of course, I won't know till I go and ask); But then I assume that even if it is 500 Rs a Piece.. Is it worth the fucking investment."

Variable: "How will I get it? Will I be able to pull it off? What if no one likes it?"
And therefore, that can storage space solution has not happened till now. And, NOW that we are almost at September, and the lease gets over in February. Couple of months. Chuck it.

Problem: "Husband's health"
"I promise myself each day that I will not hound him about his sugar issues. I will do what is in my hands. Therefore, I put the medicines out for him each night for the following day, and hope to God that he does not forget to take them"
There are so many what if's scenarios that keep playing in my head so far as Husband's sugar issues are concerned that it is maddening to even think to think about those issues. I am turning a deliberate blind with super heavy heart.

Problem "Career"
Mine. Obviously. Husband's finally on track. I needn't reiterate on the problems that I am facing in my current situation. But, I have been recently told that "I should not compare myself with the lawyers in the firm and that I am good in Business Development and should concentrate on that" That particular statement has shook me to my core. As a matter of fact, it has broken me worse than what I-AMC did.
Variables here at play are "Money. Location. Learning Curve and Career Growth". And "Husband's job. Family" and Finally NOT fucking up this time round. I am so tired of making wrong decisions that I can't believe myself at all.

Problem "Who am I?"
Husband is to blame for this. I never tasted wanderlust, till I got married and now, I just can't get over it. I want a stable house. A place that I can come home to at the end of the day/ end of a trip.. But I wanna be able to travel. To taste some adventure, here and there and to be able to tell it all. But not worry about the dwindling bank account either.
Identity crisis galore.

Problem "Health"
I need to loose weight. There is no "do-raha" to that. How do I do it.. that is another question altogether.

"Procrastination"
I am myself wondering how did I get this post up at all.

It is like, I wanna just rewind things. And, make some correct assessments.  But since this is life and not a media player, I need to come up with a plan to revamp my life without unbalancing the equation.
How. Dunno! 

Khel Kismat Ka

There is a very popular saying in Hindi:

"Samay se pehle, aur
Kismet se zyaada kissi ko nahin milta" 

And while I am trying to be positive about things in life after the incident yesterday, I would really like some divine intervention. So a colleague got confirmed at the number 1 law firm in the country. And the entire process of how he got it is nothing more than divine intervention. So some random senior to whom he had cribbed about in his position in his previous job recommended his name and then he got a call from there and he was hired. Just like that. In three days. 

Me on the other hand have been trying to break into the whole top tier law firm scene from like 5 years now and NOTHING seems to work. No calls out of the blue, despite the networks and me being so good at keeping in touch. 

No nothing. 

Not even a single interview call forget a fucking job offer. 

It's like this is not in my destiny. I mean- as of now I just don't know what my career destiny is. I am trying not to panics and I am trying to be patient and positive. 

I however- can't see any signs. I can't see anything right now. But, I know that I am trying like hell. 

There is after all another saying in Hindi: 

"Kehte hain kismet haathon Ki lakeeron mein hoti hai; 

Par kismet toh unki bhi hoti hai jinke haath nahin hote." 

Where is the light at the end of the Tunnel?

The silver lining on the dark clouds?

There seems to be no end to my career woes.

I have become nothing more than a glorified secretary to the partner in the Law Firm that I am working in. I am doing nothing. NOTHING legal.
I am following up with Clients, doing BD. Taking care of the administration and wondering each day as to what the hell have I gotten myself into.

I have just been made to realise that I can't fucking draft a legal notice, let alone take care of any legal work. I am at the MOST LOW ever in my life and I am fighting the urge to go and shout at the bosses saying that, THIS IS IT. I don't think that I can do this any more.

I don't care whether the dam peon can serve tea or not, or the driver is there to take you to place that is 50 mtrs away from the office.
I don't care if the office is being cleaned on Sunday and who is cleaning it. And NO, I do not want to identify anyone who will take care of the general house keeping of the office.

This is NOT ME.

I am working two jobs (yes, I am also doing free lance work,so that I can substantiate the income that we are earning), but still a trip to home on my Birthday is a BIG NO from the Husband.

I am feeling suffocated. I feel like this is a vicious circle that seems never ending. I can't seem to breathe.
And one of these I'll drown in my own miseries without the world even knowing, because to the world I will have a mask.

FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!

The Good Wife

I had been contemplating a post with this title for a long long time, and finally, something pushed me to start writing this.
Procrastination is my second nature, the first being lazy/sleepy!
There is a to-do list that is always running through my mind, and trust me when I say that I have more excuses then ever to convince myself that I can postpone all the tasks to some other days.

Let us be honest here (this probably is the only platform, where I don't have to pretend!); I am not HAPPY. And, no it has nothing to do with the Husband; and EVERYTHING to do with me.

There are 10 thousand things that I want to accomplish in a day, but then I end up doing NOTHING. Yes, practically nothing.
Forget, the things that are high-aimed for; but simple tasks like:
- Unpacking the boxes in the new house;
- having a neat and tidy room;
- just setting the house in general;
- deciding what to eat (yes, that is also a task);
- I "would" love to cook for the Husband, and I have a million ideas to do that, but NEVER have I executed those;
- Taking Sugar out for a walk is also such a task, most of the time I do not have the energy, and more than most of the time I do not have the inclination to take her down.

I am always out of energy, always being lazy and always, always am constantly thinking about things that are going wrong and never ever put forth a solution that makes any sense.

I do not know or understand if I have completely lost the ability to rationalise? Or for that matter, I never had the ability to do so in the first place.

I am so single dimensional, that no wonder the Husband is amazed at the way that I take decisions. I start a thing, an initiative, and then don't see it through.

The lack of commitment and passion in me, amazes myself as well.

In the last 2.5 years that I have been in Mumbai, I am currently on my 3rd job; there is an amazing lack of stability in my professional life as well. Again, sane decisions are not being made. There are just more and more rash, and no so thought through decisions that are being made.
I want to be able to get up each morning with hope and happiness, to look forward to a day well spent, to be able to actually have time in hand to have breakfast on the table with the Husband, to be able to get dressed properly, or for that matter, just able to put in some exercise in my schedule (I am just getting fatter by the day); I want to be able to apply my mind to things and situations, to do my work with passion and have fun doing it [somehow post the stint with PC, I have not been able to get that satisfaction].
My therapist has told me that there are no guarantees in life that I should have an open mind, and despite that kind of thing, it seems that, I am unable to come to terms with the "jobs"; that I have been doing.
Am I not listening to my instincts?! I DO NOT know. But I am definitely running away from things.. I ran away from the I Job because of the "fuck all boss" [which is a proven fact; none of the people reporting to him are happy; and post my leaving the job, I have been categorically told that I was being targeted (and of course money was a BIG concern)] but then, I did have a lot of fun working for various departments.
I am feeling stuck and stuffed again.
I am keeping a strong exterior, keeping a smile on my face, while I do the menial jobs of administrating the damn law firm, a task that I "thought", that I would be able to do it along with the legal work. Not something that I am proud of.

I don't even know who I am any more. The identity crisis continues as I juggle being a "Good Wife"; which I know for sure that I am not.
I am so fucking (yeah, I have come down to abuses now) tired of all the struggle, to find that balance, to find that happiness [Trust me when I saw that the best best thing in the world at the end of the day is the Husband Hug with a jealous do trying to intervene], to find that passion for my dreams, to know and understand all over again that the world is my oyster; and I have just begun.

But, I just can't keep on re-assuring myself over and over and over again on a superficial front when deep down under I can just see myself failing over and over again. I am constantly cranky, worried, and absolutely lost.

While I live life; I am not sure that I am being me.  

Tell Me your Dreams?

Dreams change.

From when you are young, to when you get older. 

I won't say wiser, because it is not that dreamers are not wise, it is just that, the dreamers don't care; about broken dreams of the past.

I remember that from a very very young age, I wanted to just get married [Yes, I am obsessed with marriage!!]. I used to often in my dream world and my fantasy land, dress up like a bride/ princess, with all the jing bang, and then wait for my prince charming. [Yes, the disney books and the indian alif lailas are also to be blamed for the way I behaved]. 

Then, as a teenager, I think my dream was only to have that proud moment with my Mom. [I was still obsessed with marriages but not of my own!] I was able to actually achieve that when my Xth standard board exams results came. 

And then during high school, my only only dream was to maybe have a bf, get my mom to agree to wax my arms and legs, to be able to wear nice sexy clothes (like all the fashionistas wore in my school); but most importantly, to have "that" set of friends, who would be there for life and to fit in. Typical high school misfit wishlist! [Now looking back, I should have just concentrated on my studies!]

College on the other hand was a major surprise. I fit right in. 

Oh, strike that off, I was the "Queen" in college. The topper, the charmer, I had an amazing boyfriend, and I was the most famous girl in college. BUT. 

[Yes there is always the but! And I am no saint!!]

But, I did not have the right internships, and even if I had the right internships, I did not have the right ideas to approach the firms for a pre placement offer; and at that point in time, that was my biggest dream. My Career. 

Things changed over the years, 5 years of law school later, while I was dreaming of getting a nice cushy corporate job, I had to get into litigation (that was the only thing that was available) and 8 months later, when there was a merger of sorts, and finally I was in the "Law Firm League". I have had the best time of my life while working that law firm.
I had the best boss, an exposure to the work that I really liked and most of all, the friends that I made. There were obviously some things that were not perfect, but then, it was a time, when I was content with the work that I was doing.
I practically had the whole career path and the life path chalked out.
And then I got married.

The marriage was probably the best thing that has happened to me, because, now, I have changed my dreams. I want to be able to make my family, and put time in to it, but at the same time due the constraints of living in a world where money is a bane and a boon, there are compromises that have to be made, and those are being made.
While I try to look for a work life balance, it is sad that the work bit of it is not working out.. the career dream is going nowhere and that is making me frustrated.

The illusions of life, often leave you wondering what are the dreams, and when will we ever get to fulfil them.. If we will ever get to fulfil them! 

Bombay 3.0

And it begins again!

The third year in the city of dreams was realised with some drama and a Party. We had just returned from a super awesome trip to Lakshadweep and Chirstmas and New Year were brought in with the retirement of the FIL. It was a chocobloc calendar of house guests and exhausting office politics. A deadly mix of in-laws from Calcutta, my dog and my parents! (One can only imagine the lengths that we had gone into to ensure that my baby doggie and my mom aren’t face to face! Dad met her and was pretty overwhelmed with her jumping capabilities!)

So in total Punjabi style, the Retirement Party preparations began. There was obviously a dance performance that was to happen, and with the Husband’s cousins and my own baby sister we prepared two songs in like less than 72 hours. There was a lot of food that was being cooked in the house, and I had no idea what was happening when and how! Eventually, on the day of Party after getting all the girls ready, I managed to get ready and be there on time (quite a feat for me!).

There were a lot of emotional speeches, and there was one “super drunk husband” speech, which I think is going to become a legendary running joke in the family. Oh, and in case you all were wondering, there was alcohol and a DJ at the party and you can conclude that the party was more Punjabi than Bengali!

Once the Party was over, all gifts opened and the guests seen off, the reality of what had happened came down to hit us hard. We had less than 2 months to hunt for a house, to move in and get settled. All the while struggling with the major set back on the career front.

The ex-I- Office had become a hell hole with the looming cloud of negativity. While, I had a set of my girls and some really great friends at office in general, the bosses were being bitches and honestly speaking all we could talk about the whole day was “how shitty was shetty today”. Of course, in all true honesty, Shetty did not like me, and that meant a fuck all appraisal with no real salary increment and the negative attitudes, it was but obvious that I shall be looking to change. And change I did, to a law firm called TLP.

All the law firms are in Nariman Point. And hence I am now in Nariman Point. We have moved houses towards the northern suburbs, and that means I am travelling three hours each day to and from work.

Really, what did I expect out of the third year in this city?

Considering that it is the city where dreams come true, I can with utmost confidence say that so far as the career related dreams go, I have been cheated. Thrice, now.

Okay, I am in the teetrhing period of the new job, but then, it seems that, instead opf growing, I am getting more confused with my career choices. My shrink had told me that there are no guarantees in this world, especially in the job world, and now with renewed hope that eventually dreams will be realised, I get up at 6 am and trudge to work!

So, the third year starts.

The Happy Hangover !!!

So, the month of February is over.
Whilst on one hand I have been on a happy high about the fact that the husband and I have completed 9 years of being together, on the other, Feb, was a rather difficult month.
Husband has been down with Hepatitis A, and that means he has been on a house arrest for the second half of the month.

He is much much better now, and on the road to recovery.

I on the other hand have had a very different month. Whilst the Husband was resting up, I was running around. The IOffice, had their annual event, in which our branch always does a group dance. Now, I guess everyone who has known me for a even a couple of hours knows for a fact that, dance for me is an addiction, a high that makes me forget everything. It is my meditation, my love, my instant gratification, and my solution to all the problems of my life.
So, in any case, where there is dance , there is me.
And, there I am, 2 months into the organization and enthusiastically, going ahead to participate in the biggest event of the year for the people of that organization. Not only that, I also end up bagging the lead in two songs. So there I am, dancing like Helen to Shammi Kapoor (Shammi Kapoor was being done by my Boss, JUST IMAGINE MY HORROR) in "Oh Haseena Zulfon Wali" and then being the bar dancer Kimi Katcker of "Jumma Chumma".

Add to the above mix, a choreographer (Harya) , who is not that great looking, but super fun to hang out with. Another colleague from IT (JB), who is equally cool, and one of my other team mate (AJ) , who is not the miss goody two shoes .. and we have a gang of insane people.
The two weeks , to the run up to last night, when the function happened, were probably the most memorable ones, with unexpected and impromptu dinners, and weekends of dance practice and hunting the right costumes and then going mad co-ordinating. By, whatever twist of fate I was in middle of all of this.
Harya, JB, AJ and I had lunch together last Sunday, and then Harya, JB and I went ahead to do the costume thingy.. and even though we had all clicked, the magic happened that afternoon, and all three of us bonded.

Last night, was of course was at a different altogether. It was the night when we danced, met another of Harya's friend, Gir , who decided to name me "Pathan" for some weird reason. Whilst we did not drink any alcohol, we were hight on the dance and it was, like, I was liberated from my responsibilities. From being someone else, and I was just me. I was not thinking about anything. I was not planning out for the next day. I was living in that moment. Completely soaking it up.
We stopped by at the Worli Sea Face. I just could not help myself, and I had a smoke. I sat hearing the sea, while JB, AJ and Gir decided to have cutting and coffee.. Harya was stating with me at looking at the sea. Both of us saying exactly the same thing that, how sea calmed us.

And then, it was time to say good bye. To tell them all that how I will miss all the action of the last two weeks. And, how much fun it is to finally have a set of friends, which are my own, who can dance, go wild and have fun minus the judgement.

Ioffice is gonna be a different story to tackle from Monday. It is going to be how it was in college, another loop. Another set of mentalities that are beyond me. But that is on Monday, and before Monday, there is Sunday.

Life after a long time feels like it is getting out of a certain rut. I am going to enjoy that. And not over think. And, hopefully, don't go on an over drive.

*****************************************************************************

PS: The Husband has finally gotten me a "Chromebook", that means I can blog more often, and finally get back to my blog friends and read a lot more. All fingers crossed.

The Aston Martin

The big boss in office bought an Aston Martin.
It is a 3-4 crore car.

That has made me think about my aspirations in life yet again.

And because I am in the thinking mode- I'll word out the thoughts in the next post.

Trust me, you want to wait for that post.  

Appraised

It is a very normal practice in various MNC's, where the forms are given out and self as well as senior appraisals and team appraisals and what not happens.
31st March, is THE deadly day.

I remember in school, it was THE day, when the final report card use to come and we used to hope that, we wouldn't be butchered alive by the time we reach home after the Parent Teacher Meets.

The fact of life is, that, 31st March still remains THE day in the life of all of us professionals, who work in a 'naukrai', that too private for a living. Unfortunately, life butchers you every year on this day and parents, spouses *girlfriends*, wherever applicable, just support you and encourage you to "Perform Better" *If I may use this term*


In a law practice, increment is heard of, but appraisals, well, you really don't have that sort of a thing here, not in litigation offices where there is no thikaana of the fees that will come.
How in the world can a lawyer then appraise, increase the salary- of his court clerk and his junior *if he has one*.

But thanks to the advent of the era of Law Firms, where there is no deen duniya imaan of the already not so likable profession of lawyers- Now the lawyers also have appraisals.
*Of course, considering, the new found breed of "Corporate Lawyers", actually work like they would work in a corporate- you know sending out updates, making presentations, putting the papers in order etc*, it has become highly commercial.
Hell, we have proper 'HR Firms', who deal with the Law Firms and putting their system together, but mind you, we ares till not 'Employees' but just "retainers".

So, I had my first EVER appraisal.
To be honest, I was more confused than ever, because in terms of everything, I am better than my contemporaries, but because, I came to the firm 8 months later than them, I am suffering a huge loss as far as the salary bit is concerned.
Rest, my partner in-charge is VERY happy with me *touch all the wood around me*  and that for me is a huge incentive over the other contemporaries that I have in the firm.
Our team follows the motto of 'Chota parivar, sukhi parivar' and trust me, we are happier like that. We are just 3, 4 if we include our secy, but we are politics free, and that is the way boss likes it.

I feel bad about being paid less than the rest, but the Bf and the dear Daddy and my Mommy are VERY happy about it, so I am burying the hatched right there.

Of course there are the unhappy around me, but then, I going to be absolute Zen about it, and not bother.

And, it seems that every in office is getting married, Ms. PK's was the biggest shocker, especially since the news/invite came right after we were given the much awaited envelopes! *Talk about timing, I tell you!*

So I have been appraised, the gossips have happened- and now its back to the 'gadhagiri' of being a lawyer!

What a Party!!!

This has to be recorded NOW!! Am just back from a office party which was held at Taj!

Basically a Client Event, where we let ourselves lose and get drunk!! And trust me, I have no idea about the amount of alcohol that I have drunk!
So, I get to know that this hot client of mine is my batch mate from school!! And another contact that my boss made in one of her networking trips is my classmate!
The world surely is a small place!!

So from getting drunk, to flirting incessantly with clients, dancing away in glory and being dropped by a colleague, who is like the sweetest person on the entire office- this has been one great night!
Oh, one couple from my social dancing class are big boss's friends! And they told him and his wife that! :)
And the other office, Ms. M, Ms. P,Ms. V and Mr. MDR were also there, and the best part is, that even though they did not give me a cold shoulder I was simply nice to them, like I am to anybody I know superficially! And no I did not feel guilty or bad about it! And I am happy to move forward!!

So one heck of a night!! :) I am very happy! :) and yes, I looked very pretty, in my black dress!!

It is a happy day.
I got a order in a court case vide which I got the case closed in favour of my Client.
I am very Happy!
And, now I really hope that my salary is increased.

Yes office makes me work SUPER hard, for a salary that is VERY less!! 

September Update II

Like I say, life is nothing more than a couple of bullet points and loads of ramblings. Things happening each day.. and I sincerely wish that I could record each one of them. But then, there is the lazy me, who likes to sleep more than anything... therefore you get the updates!

I am alive. I am sure that much you all gathered from the opening lines. Currently, I am in Gurgaon, at my Bua's house, getting things set for son's wedding! *Praying to God, that this goes off without a hitch, and everything is a big success!!*
So, I have been helping out in the shaadi shopping. And, I have never EVER explored Chandni Chowk the way I have done for this wedding. So much so, now we have a fixed shop to buy the saree and the lehnga! ;) Yeah, yeah, I am gonna buy mine from there too! You know, I just love the way the shop keepers sell their stuff in Chandni Chowk, it is overwhelming to see these numerous shops, just selling similar and in lots of cases, same stuff, but each one of them has some fixed customers, who will come to them in the end! But it is a crazy world in those small shops, and smaller roads!

By now, most of you all must have read, commented and gotten over and maybe even followed the blog of madam Madrasan. Trust me, when I read it, I was enraged. Beyond anything. I agree about the Delhi boys being super asses.. but then the way she has pointed fingers at the entire culture of north India is an absolute disgrace. I feel that it is people with this kind of mentality that make sure that, the diversity in our culture instead of becoming our strength becomes our weakness! But she has gotten enough footage for the last one week, and now, she has finally broken her silence on that blog of hers, that is gonna be another major week of nothing but more footage to her! Before you start waving the fundamental rights ka parcha at me, responsible actions are fundamental rights, seditious acts to break the nation is a serious crime!

Hmmm, today while going to C.P. today, my Bua put a rupee in the 'shani ka daan' (in the name of the God of saturday, you give alms to beggars) and I generally remarked, "Bua, kiska shani bhari hai.." cant really explain that in english.. any ways, this remark got me a nice long lecture telling me that, this whole planet, and kundli thing, should never ever bother me! That is the last thing that I should be concerned about, ever in my life. I should just think about leading a happy healthy life! This sort of put a lot my fears to rest. Because, those who know  me, also know, how much this astrology thing has troubled me, as far as my relationship with the bf goes! Now I am more determined than ever to go forward with the person who I know, will make me happy.

Talking about the bf, I think the scientists claims about the men PMSing is true! Every month I deal with his maha moody behaviour. And it almost sympathetic, because, in the next week odd, it is my turn to PMS! Ridiculous couple we are. But nevertheless, I just pray that we have our share of happiness.. soon.

Now, I'll zip on to office!
Did I tell you guys that no one really called me from my Ms.M's office to wish me on my Birthday? Well, Mr. MDR did call, at around 11 in the night. And, I told him that, I was offended that no one remembered that it was my Birthday. Of course, bf told me to not to care.. and it was then that I decided, that, I have had enough. I cannot mope about the people, who don't care. And who don't bother. At all. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to totally avoid them, being the part of the same organization and all. I just hope that my contact to them remain minimal.

And, since we are talking about jobs and careers, I did not clear the god damn judiciary exam, and I am slightly disappointed at myself, and I am really looking for a new job. If any of you knows, a law firm or a corporate where I can work in the legal department, just let me know!

Rest all is good! hopefully a meaningful post shall come up next time!
Till then, miss me!

Identity Crisis

My father always used to tell me that 'Law is in my genes!!'..

Not that I am ever going to argue about this statement to him, because, I certainly feel very related and extremely connected to my profession.

And, yes, unless its dancing or doing nothing, I don't see myself doing anything else for a living. As a matter of fact, I know it for sure that, I wont ever be able to make a living out of me being a dancer. 

But right now, at this instant, I am in what I would like to call a situation of 'Passion Dwindling'; it seems that in a profession where, you learn something new each day, and that the learning never stops, I feel like I am a misfit. Often, I am made to feel inferior to my colleagues who have way way way more experience than me. As a matter of fact they are the ones who make me feel like that.

And there is a problem of 'fitting in'; that I am facing. I am supposed to belong to the 'Litigation Team'; that was acquired by my Law firm a couple of months back. But since there is another partner apart from my original boss, who handles litigation here in the Big office and owing to the fact that my seniors MDR and P do not like my work, they got me shifted here. And because there isn't too much work here in litigation and that I am supposed to be working and learning, I had to take over some additional responsibility in the Infrastructure Team. And to be honest, I like the work in this field better, maybe because I wanted to do corporate in the first place. 

But now, I am having identity crisis... as to which team do I really belong to. Because, I have been thrust with a project in the infrastructure team, that is like my own baby.. and here in the so called litigation team, MDR, Ms. P and Ms. V; have their taunts ready to make me feel inferior. From, 'Oh, you don;t work on saturdays any more' to 'Oh, are you sure you can do this matter, or you have you ABC project running.. do you even have the time!' 

Yes, there is a huge difference in the working styles of the litigation team here in the Big office and the other hard core team headed by my dear old boss. And, honestly speaking, I like it here, because, it gives me the bandwidth to explore more apart from my work life! The two litigation teams, are like a joint family, who have to pretend that they love each other because the partners are best friends and awfully close to each other.

And all the effort that is put in to do the team bonding.. goes awry. Because the team here can't shift to the smaller office, because of lack of seating space, and also the breathing space that they get here. And MDR, Ms. P ans Ms.V, will not come here. Their ego, and their ONLY WORK AND NO PLAY attitude doesn't gel with the light attitude here. 

And, I do NOT want to be a part of this Tug of war. At all. 

I am not going to let my career go down the drain, because they have their attitude. Job hunting thus begins, all over again. 

Of course, Shayon moving to Mumbai is also a main reason. But, their sick attitude, makes me go mad! 

So jobs any one?

The Year gone by!

If there was a way to measure time, I am sure that, we would really realise that how easily time flies!

Today, I complete ONE whole year at being a professional! I joined my senior last year at the re-opening *First day of the court after the summer vacations*, that day it was another experience, something that awed me, that made me squirmy and at the same time gave me a sense of the quantum leap that I had taken.

And today, when I realised, that one year has gone by, I couldn't believe that time has actually flown, and that, I am already one year old, and I have colleagues who are my junior joining the office! :)
The last entire year in the profession has been a great learning experience *As a matter of fact, in my profession, every little thing a learning experience* but there are still miles to go before there is a milestone for me!

Yes, a lot has changed over the last year.
The small little practice that I had joined, is now a part of a law firm, where, I get time for other things than work.
I have learnt a very important lesson, that, there are no friends in office. Only acquaintances who you can talk to.
I have been given an opportunity learn new things, and 9pm is not so late any more.. there is the new car that I have, and a salary that is decent for now.

But one thing that has not changed,is my dislike towards litigation. It just doesn't attract, and now, after I experienced a project in corporate, where I have realised that, even though seniority matters, it does not discount your opinion, or that your work is looked down upon! Unlike, where in litigation, a young lawyer is always just that- Young and brash!

But here is wishing myself, all the good luck for the life and career ahead! :) 

Office Laptop...

"Fake it till you make it"

This is the mantra that we are taught often in our dance class!
It is normally an exercise so that we develop the attitude, and start [read: stop] thinking and dancing outside the box.
But you won't believe, this philosophy works really well, in the real life as well.
If you are in an expectations zone, and you get hurt.. then either you can cry about it, and mull over it.. or you fake it. Even to your heart, about being strong, about telling yourself, over and over again that, it doesn't matter. That there is a life beyond the thing that has gone wrong!

The boyfriend has been explaining to me for last so many weeks, that I need to move on, and that I have to be professional in my approach to the people in office. The emotional me, is just not ready to move on. * an immensely stupid thing to do, trust me!*

So, Ms. P, ignored me on my face. I said nothing. I smiled.
And today, I go to FB, I try to find Ms. V, because I need to pass on some information to her, to help her.. and what do I find, that she is no longer listed in my friend list. I finally find her. Send her the message that I had to. And, I feel like shit!
I have no idea, why she 'un-friended' me. And I don't intent to even find out. But yes, it does hurt you alot. The fact that, even when you do nothing, just follow the orders, try to adjust to the new situations [read: new office] and make the best out of it- You are coldly ignored.

To be honest, I feel like crying. But, I am not. I am going to be a strong person. And, she is just a colleague. Nothing more. As a matter of fact, with the attitude that P & V have shown me, they have lost respect in my eyes. Yes, they have. Oh, MDR, is chilled as ever. He had made it very clear to me that, long distance relationship, even if it is two offices in the same city, just don't work out. So, he will act like a cool dude.

Here is a decision that I am going to stick to. No more 'feelings' in the whole office business. You are my senior, I am your junior. I ask you a question, you answer my question. That is it. I have to grow out of this nonsense. And, I am going to grow up. And move ahead!