Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Chipped Nail Paint

It was this particular thing about the nail paint on my finger nails that used to irritate me the most. All through college and till about 5 months back I used to avoid putting nail paint on my finger nails. It was a pain to paint them, and then, more of a pain to see them chipped (It makes one look shabby), and then to take it off and to re-apply as necessary.

This newest fad of mine, makes me think of how far have I come from being who I was. This of course is not the only thing that has made me think that I have "changed".

I feel, that I am no more that person who was happy, dappy and had a carefree attitude to the world. This of course being a down side of always being at home and always being under the shadow. This care free attitude being one of the downside. The other being that you were always under the scanner. Always in the bracket of the "Girl who (does/ does not) disappoint". Trust me when I say that, I always wanted to tick the does not disappoint box. And it is a hard task at that. Because, that obviously means putting what the other person wants before what you want. And, there are enough posts with those recollections.

I can't make a single decision without putting too many variables at play. It is like: "I think, the best solution to rid ourselves of the packing boxes in the house are to invest in a  couple of cane storage solutions".
Variable "Expenses: How much will it cost. (Of course, I won't know till I go and ask); But then I assume that even if it is 500 Rs a Piece.. Is it worth the fucking investment."

Variable: "How will I get it? Will I be able to pull it off? What if no one likes it?"
And therefore, that can storage space solution has not happened till now. And, NOW that we are almost at September, and the lease gets over in February. Couple of months. Chuck it.

Problem: "Husband's health"
"I promise myself each day that I will not hound him about his sugar issues. I will do what is in my hands. Therefore, I put the medicines out for him each night for the following day, and hope to God that he does not forget to take them"
There are so many what if's scenarios that keep playing in my head so far as Husband's sugar issues are concerned that it is maddening to even think to think about those issues. I am turning a deliberate blind with super heavy heart.

Problem "Career"
Mine. Obviously. Husband's finally on track. I needn't reiterate on the problems that I am facing in my current situation. But, I have been recently told that "I should not compare myself with the lawyers in the firm and that I am good in Business Development and should concentrate on that" That particular statement has shook me to my core. As a matter of fact, it has broken me worse than what I-AMC did.
Variables here at play are "Money. Location. Learning Curve and Career Growth". And "Husband's job. Family" and Finally NOT fucking up this time round. I am so tired of making wrong decisions that I can't believe myself at all.

Problem "Who am I?"
Husband is to blame for this. I never tasted wanderlust, till I got married and now, I just can't get over it. I want a stable house. A place that I can come home to at the end of the day/ end of a trip.. But I wanna be able to travel. To taste some adventure, here and there and to be able to tell it all. But not worry about the dwindling bank account either.
Identity crisis galore.

Problem "Health"
I need to loose weight. There is no "do-raha" to that. How do I do it.. that is another question altogether.

I am myself wondering how did I get this post up at all.

It is like, I wanna just rewind things. And, make some correct assessments.  But since this is life and not a media player, I need to come up with a plan to revamp my life without unbalancing the equation.
How. Dunno! 

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