Wednesday, September 23, 2015

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 


Bikram said...

Hello Sakshi all I will say is your health is most important , so that is wat you need to take care of foremost. I also understand work is important because it brings money that we all need to live these days.

Also you cant blame yourself for this , if you are doing your work properly then how are you to be blamed its just the situation you are in ..

hopefully and by the grace of god this will pass soon. My best wishes


Hirdu said...

start smiling in as many different shades possible...try amusing ones, swag around a little bit more... ;)

it was in movie ~ Nobody can tell you where your place is, where is my place? Where is anybody's place? You wanna know where it is? Wherever you're happy, that's where your place is. And you're the best judge of that !!

Sakshi said...

Bikram: The problem is not that I am not working properly. The problem is that I am in a place, where I don't like the work that I am doing.

In any case thanks for the encouraging words!

Thanks for the lovely lines and words of encouragement!

Divya said...

Hello Sakshi, I am sorry to hear that you are not coping well with stress. I lost my grandfather recently but still I won't trivialize your pain by saying "I understand what you are going through."

If you need any help, feel free to reach out to me (even though I am a complete stranger to you) - I am a counsellor by profession so shoot me a mail if you feel up for it and let's see if we can fix things together :-)

My email is