The Dancer and the Mirror

I had started learning Bharatnatyam at the age of 7. And, if I have to be honest about it, I hated it there. I was tired after school, and was siphoned off from the bus stop to a dance class in the interiors of qutub area, and I understood nothing.
The dance school had a huge hall with s stage and there were senior dance teachers who would be teaching various groups in various corners. If my memory served right, you started with one teacher where you would do warm ups (being the basics), and then go to the next teacher who would take your class - meaning who would ask you to do the items that you have learnt. And then finally, you would go to the teacher who would be teaching you your new set of steps in the item that you would be in the process of learning.
There was also a mandatory singing class, and a lot of complaints from my guru to my mother that, she is wasting her money on me by making me learn dance and that I can never learn. Maybe I was/ am beat deaf.
I remember taking a sabbatical from bharatnatiyam in Class 9, citing pressure to study and the class 10th boards. And I remember studying very hard and praying that I get good marks so that I can ask my mom to never send me back to dance class. It was in the months after my class 10 boards and before the results that I joined the summer workshop at The DanceWorks Studio by Asley Lobo. I was lost there too. But, somehow felt a little familiarity. After the summer workshop was over, and I started school again, I forgot about dancing. And it was in college that I joined the regular classes at the DanceWorks.
It was there, that I after months of training, finally looked at myself in the mirror, and not to set my hair, but to check my posture, and smile while enduring the pains of the pirouette or the extensions. It was there, where I met dance teachers, who always encouraged, and who were always positive. It was there where I learnt that to look in the mirror is an act of courage and confidence. We all look in the mirror do our make up and hair and see how we are dressed, but we never really look. The moment we would really look, into our own eyes, and our own soul, is when we realise the real pain inside our heart and the fact that we are always overlooking at things, all the time.
Those 4-5 years, I was at the peak of my confidence. I was a much happier person, and I looked superb. It was a time where I felt a part of something.

Right now, today, as I write this, I realise that I have not looked in my own eyes for a really really long time, and that I am at a point in my life where, I want answers, and I don't want to second guess any of my decisions. I want to be a much happier person, and I want to really make the most out of the life that I have. I don't want to think about how much would I have to cry in the night, because I laughed a lot during the day.  I want to be that dancer again, with her mirror, who was ready to conquer the world, come what may. 

The mystery of the missing dupatta and about being thoughtful and thoughtless

This morning when I left home, I distinctly remember carrying my duppatta with me, along with my purse and my tiffin. I sat in the car, and throughout the 30 minute drive that dupatta did not trouble me. It did not slither down to create hurdles while I was driving, and because of all the things that are happening around me, my drive becomes my thinking zone, I forgot about that dupatta.
(I usually put the dupatta along with the tiffin, the purse and the other jing bang on the passenger seat so that everything is accounted for, and today, I did not follow my protocol.)

So, at the end of my drive (which is at the starbucks close to my office), when I got down to go and collect my coffee, the dupatta did not slide down, and I believe that I missed it falling off me, when I got out of the car. When I got back into the car to go to office, I of course did not remember about the dupatta. Three minutes later, about halfway to my office from Starbucks, I realise that I had a dupatta and its missing. I stop my car, frantically search in the car, turn around the car and drive back to where I had parked my own car, but there was nothing there. No dupatta.

And, in all honesty, I have NO freaking clue, where, why or how the hell did it even fall off me and I did not realise it? It is not a small thing. It was a big green and black printed dupatta! The good thing though is, that the kurta that I am wearing is not with a dupatta, so, there is nothing missing per se. And the kurta with which this duppatta came, has faded, and I was going to throw it away in any case.

But, the fact is, that I am not a careless person. I believe that I am a careful person, and I abhor losing things because, I have not followed protocol (as set by my own self!). This is precisely THE reason, why at times, things need to happen the way I want. Because of the protocols that I have set. Sometimes, one has to adjust, but for things as regular as going to work, there are things that I like to follow, so that I don't miss out on important things. Like, I have travel kits. When we were in Mumbai, we used to travel a lot, and because last minute frenzy often makes me anxious, and I hate forgetting (because, I get reprimanded for forgetting), I had prepared three small bags with travel toiletries, things that I can't travel without and which are important (even a toilet paper). It always helps me because, if we have to travel on the shortest of notice, I have these three bags that I toss in and I am set. Plus, of course, my purse has everything that I need too!

I am sometimes jealous of the people, who don't care. But I think my anxiety tops that feeling of jealousy. I'd rather travel in peace than with worrying about pooping in dirty toilets without paper.

So, yeah, there are things that have been protocoled (I don't think that this a word), and when it is just me, I can follow it. But when its a team (like having the Husband), it becomes too many questions, answers and logic. As has been established via the previous post, I lack logic.

So yeah, my dear dupatta, wherever you are, you served me well, and I miss you, and I am sorry that I lost you.
------------

Being thoughtful is again a perspective. I mean, what being thoughtful means to me will not necessarily be akin to your perspective. And rest of the disclaimer about the thoughtfulness will be somewhere in between the post or towards the end.

So, I have a colleague in my present office, whose girlfriend's birthday is on the coming weekend and he has been working super hard for making it super special for her. I know this because almost all of us in office have helped him :D.
The thing being, that he has picked up stuff for his girl by observing various things, by carefully scrutinizing the conversations that they have had (albeit in the last three months, but give the guy the credit!). His girlfriend is also a lawyer, and she has travelled a lot, and she had in a conversation mentioned to him that she is looking to create a space in her room where she can probably have a map which is marked in some way to mark all the places that she has been to. So, he starts looking and finds a quirky map, which he gets mount on a softboard. The map is foil covered, and the person can scratch the places where all they have visited, and each scratch is a different colour, so you have all the fun rediscovering the places that you have been too, and literally scratching the travel itch. In another conversation he heard her mentioning that she is looking for a phulkari dupatta (traditional punjabi embroidery duptta), and he asks around, he asks us, we help him find vendors, and he reaches out to at least 10 vendors (found via facebook and instagram) and finalizes on a beautiful piece. Not only just finding the vendor, but asking the right questions as well, after consulting I believe his mom, and us girls too in office. Apart from the other knick knacks of gifts, he got her a pair of swaroswki earrings. And mind you, they were not just selected on a whim. While helping him go through the on-line catalogue, he was so sure about the earrings that she wears, because, he notices. Yesterday, when everything came together, my other colleague SR asked him "So, boss, how much was the dent?" and he replied by saying that "This not a dent, but an investment! After all, she also thinks through, and ensures that whatever she does for my birthday is with as much thought and effort.."
Now how sweet is that!
Of course, there is a dinner planned and what not, for the birthday.. but I think, it is just such a pleasant change to find a guy, who actually thinks through the gifts (most importantly, thinks that he has to gift).
Like I had said above, that this may not sound so thoughtful to a lot of you. But I always think that the art of gifting is an art too. It takes, so much of an effort to find the right thing for the person that you are buying a gift for. Sometimes its easy, sometimes, it is a task. For my BFF, whose godbharai happened about 10 days back, I drew a blank on what is it that I can gift her, especially since she has said no baby gifts till the baby comes. So, I had read somewhere that to be mums should be gifted "ladoo gopals", as a sign of happy healthy babies, and boom, I got that for her. It may not have been expensive, but it was thoughtful (her mom in law said that, so I know).

It need not be expensive. But it should be thought through. Like for Husband's 30th, I went to great lengths. Though him being him, he did not tell me, whether he liked it or not or whether I got it right. But, I would like to believe that I did do a good job. I started 3 months in advance. I literally learnt how to use a new program. Did so much DIY, that I was super happy and satisfied.

You know, when you do put in the effort, things just work out. One has to be more observant, ask the right questions and look for guidance, where one can find.
 As a matter of fact, even between my parents, I see that there is no gifting thing, but then when it is their anniversary or one of their birthday, they do reach out to us. My dad will always ask.. so what is it that we should by for your mom, or mom will always observe that Dad may need something (like a phone or a camera, or even a night suit) but nevertheless they observe.

I always used to think that movies and romance novels have raised the bar. But then there are the kinds who really look around and find the thing that is right.

This maybe a materialistic perspective to being thoughtful, but of late, I am in a place that I can't see my half full glass, so maybe this post helps in colouring that water, so that I can see damn glass which is half full.

The tales of the Twisted Truth and White Lies!

We lie everyday. Every single day we lie to ourselves and to the people around us. Sometimes it is to save our own skin and at other times it is just for the sake of convenience.

Saving our own skin is mostly the reason when people would like to twist the facts.. and present it in an empathetic manner so that the punishment is not so severe. Like, when the marks in a math paper are poor, its often the paper that is tough and not the effort that is less. In work situations it is even worse, because unlike an exam paper, when one is working, there are so many circumstances that often play into one situation that even if you don't want, you end up twisting the facts to suit your ownself. When this is done by the boss, and all the blam is put on the juniors, the juniors feel that they are being short changed often leading to conflicts at the work place.

I am not condoning the lying and the scheming of the bosses and seniors, but we live in times of greys and not black and white. Sometimes, these twsited facts are the line between you being called a great and not getting a promotion. I would want to believe that each time any one of us decide to twist a fact in our favour we know what we are doing, and hope to God that the repercussions or karma does not come to bite back at us.

And then we twist the facts just for the sake of convenience. I know of an ex colleague of mine who would often tell the boss that "the work is done, but I have asked the Client for some information, and that has yet to come" even though she had not even started on that work. She admitted to this over lunch, and simply substantiated it by saying "You know the boss, right!". She said this to avoid any conferntational situation with the boss in front of the whole office. She claimed that she indeed has asked for some details from the Client and would only start work on the assignment once she receives it.

We do this a lot. We twist the facts, to save our asses and to avoid questions and confrontations. In work situations, it is like controlled nuclear reaction, you would often know what is the worst that can happen and you would accordingly take precautions ASAP, in order keep chaos at bay.

But in personal relatiohips, more often than not it creates a rift that you don't how to fill.

About 11 years back, when my parents had left me and my grandma (and the maid) to our own devices for two months, I did nothing that a teenager would do. My boyfriend was an online one, so the only thing that I would do is sit till 2 a.m. chatting away to glory. I did no sneak outs (helped my BFF to do them) and no partying per se (having my bff over and making pasta and pizza and staying up all night just the two of us does not count because my parents did know that I was doing that). However, I did do one thing stupid, I harboured a friend who decided to run away from her own house because her parents were very strict and even though my grandma showed that she knew nothing, she knew everything. The parents tracked her down to my house and police came, and the parents realised that we were just a teenage girl and grandma, they apologised for bringing reinforcements, and took their daughter away. My grandmother forbid me to meet that friend ever again in my life, and I obeyed her. Once my parents came back, she very gently broke the news to them and they just pulled me up for it. But we did not hide it from my parents. So, thus we came to learn the art of "breaking the news gently" to the parents.

But that was with the Parents.

In relationships of more intimate nature, lies/ twisting of the facts kill it. I learnt it the hard way. The husband also (this happened almost 6 years back) learnt this the hard way. But when you are married and everyday life is like a set of tasks on a to do list, the lies of convenience are often the way out. No further questions! Simple things like, "Did you do xyz thing?" .. is often responded as "Hmmm, oh I, I tried, but did not happen" whereas you wouldn't have even tried doing that task because you forgot. Forgetting is a sin in a relationship, especially if the tasks are time bound (a.k.a- bill payments/ ordering groceries!). Oh, and it does not happen initially. In a new relationship, it starts with "Oh, I forgot" and with the constant nagging and arguing that is entailed between the couple, one just never gets to know when lying for the sake of convenience takes over. It comes to the forefront when the one who has been lied to gets to know about it and doesn't know what to say or how to react. The first instinct is to fight. Then the next is to ignore. And often that is the course of action that you take. Ignore. But even though you ignore, you start second guessing each action of your partner. And then, you start feeling guilty. You start feeling like it is you, who has been behaving in a way that is an anamoly and that you do not instill enough confidence in your partner that you should be told the truth. And finally you start questioning your own credibility/ worthiness and your place in the life of your "life partner". Which leads to frustration and trust issues.
And the vicious circle continues.

You fight. You make up. And then you slip back in your old habits, till something comes up and you follow the same cycle again.

Yes, there is no black and white. And I am the last person to preach about "truth, and nothing but the truth" because truth is often a perspective to a situation. My truth maybe your lies. But we are not talking about morality here. We are talking about situations between people, in circumstances, where it can be avoided.
I am the kind of person who would bend sideways a lot for someone I care, often even take the blame.. but I am also the kind of person who expects that I am in loop, and from people who are like super close to me I don't expect twisted truths and white lies. And therefore I try that I don't twist the truth to the person from whom I expect the simple truth.
But alas, we are human, and we are flawed.
Or maybe we have become so grey or maybe the times have become so complicated!

Tentative Steps: Year End Saga III

We are all victims of our own doings. Of the decisions that we take, and the repercussions of those decisions. Honestly, there is no one to blame.

This is one of the major lessons that I have learnt in this year. That there is NO one to blame, but your own self for the decisions that you take.

It was my own decision to not curb on my spending (s) when for two years we were in a house where we had to pay no rent. It would have been an easy (at least 10k a month, which would have translated into a substantial saving over the two years); but, to be really honest, I lost the plot. I do not know where all the money that I earned during the "rent free" period went. I do definitely remember getting a second job to "make the ends meet". Also, sometimes I feel that, some financial decisions could have been taken with more information. Like for example, as I write this, I just remembered that a certain personal loan was taken by the Husband at the time of the wedding, and instead of handing over the cheque of all the monetary gifts that we received during the wedding to the FIL, we could have paid off a part of the Personal Loan (or maybe not/ or we could have just put away that money in a bank account from where the loan money was being paid, so that we could have started out debt free? I don't know, but thinking about it in retrospect is a bad thing- messes with my brain). From each outing (whether its the dinners or outstation travels) to god only knows what, I know that those two years have been lost, and this year, all we did was to make the ends meet.
It is DAMN important to be able to rid yourself of debt crisis, and it weights you down to the extent of drowning. So, yeah, I have learnt the hard-way about the money. About the responsibility of each penny that is being spent.

I have learnt about procrastination. About, how good am I at putting everything off for the next day. I have learnt that I do not have the conviction to do many things. I don't feel the urge. I don't feel the need, and above all I think I have lost the passion to live. When you are trying to just get by life, you lose your willingness to actually strive. I am doing a job that pays. Something. It was my own decision to leave the law firm where I was working and struggle with in house positions, hence messing up with my career. I have become, untouchable in the job market, and when that is the case, you don't have passion, you just live by. One of the primary reasons for my leaving my secure law firm job was the travelling bit, the bit about not being able to give family time, without realizing the fact that I am not the only one who has to focus on the "family" thing. In any case, the Husband has always been more apt in the "family matters". I am neither apt. Nor good enough. Just because.

I have learnt about keeping shut, shoving things under the carpet and to look at bigger pictures. I have learnt about pretending that my eyes have something in it, when I tear up in office (because of something that has gone out of hand because of things that I say or do). I have learnt that I mostly do not make any sense, and that therefore, I am always mostly wrong.

I have learnt that each and every word, each and every action has a reaction, has a consequence. It just pushes you beyond your measure of being. I have learnt that neither anger nor tears help, but putting aside something that you felt was wrong, and always remembering the good over the bad helps in keeping things in semblance. And, I have come to realise that there are some problems that just cannot be solved. Sometimes it is your own self stepping back, letting go and shelving fights that are important to keep things and relationships intact. I have realised, and am learning the art of finding happiness by keeping the rest happy. 

The "Secret" Adult Society

When I was a kid, often while my parents and their friends were sitting together for a dinner, or just gossiping around, they would usually shoo the kids away (okay, we as kids were also not really interested to listen to their talks). But, once I was a little older, they would still shoo me away.

And, I wondered why. Then, from the teenage, I entered the twenties, and I was allowed to vote, hell, I was allowed to have wine, but often, still shooed away when the parents sat down to chit chat. Wasn't I a grown up still??

And then I got married.

And wham bham, that was the automatic membership to the "Secret" Adult Society. It was almost like, I had grown up instantaneously.
The knowledge that marriage meant consensual sex, and so and so forth makes people more comfortable around the "grown up kids".

You all are raising an eye brow? I notice all kinds of patterns, and this secret society pattern is something that has strakly come in to view.

For one, my elder cousin (sister), doesn't think twice about talking to me about her bedroom life with her husband, and how things change when you have kids. I have always been close to her, but she would never expressely talk about the fact that how she slept off in the moment....!!!

And the sexually charged up jokes by the women, in general make uncomfortable in a conversation an understatement. It is like, no conversation is complete without a sexual innuendo. And from the talks of these ladies, it seems that sex becomes a rarity post the kids!

Then there are conversations around retirements and savings, and the same parents that usually shield you from the realities of life don't shield you anymore, and the guilt that is often not a part of the growing up, becomes a part of your being in its entirety.

The decision making process becomes lenthy. Like really complicated. Earlier, if there was a party, you would ask your parents, who would often play football between themselves and then say no (my parents mostly said no). Now that you have a party to attend to, you have to think of the following:

1. Is it on a weekend?
2. Check with your spouse, if there is any plan.
3. Check your bank balance, if it is a dutch party.
4. Buy a gift if you are not the host.
5. Clothes. None that fit you any more. Therefore, buy or improvise.
6. Car. Would you forego the drinking or your spouse?
7. Is there any other plan, the next day!
Shit! You would have to for go sleep to have a happening weekend.

And this was a simple party that we are talking aboutr. Imagine making a decision, if it is shifting of a house, a city, changing jobs or wanting to study.

Then there is the food. Remember the good ol days when you made a face at the brocoli.. times my dear friend has changed and the karma of the brocoli follows you as an adult!!

When they talk about being a grown up, they don't tell you, how complicated is it, to call up a friend and to believe when they say that they are okay, when in your heart your instincts tell you otherwise. Of the fake smiles and heart breaking decisions.
And all you think is, when will this end???

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 

Malaise

dissatisfaction/dɪssatɪsˈfakʃn/
noun
lack of satisfaction.
"widespread public dissatisfaction with incumbent politicians"
synonyms: discontent, discontentment, disappointment, disaffection, disquiet, unhappiness, malaise, disgruntlement, frustration, vexation, annoyance, irritation, anger, exasperation, resentment;

Dissatisfaction stems from failure. It stems from a feeling of emptiness that engulfs you when you are unable to talk about what you feel, and when you are unable to deal with your life crisis in a dignified manner. It stems from the fear of failure. It starts at the level of gnawing. When you see someone get that job you hoped that you would get; when you see your own classmate (from school or college) doing so very well for itself and you start to evaluate your own performance against them. 

It starts as jealousy (which is lousy) and then slowly like a disease it spreads. At a first stage treatment, you are mostly in denial mode. You are like, so what, you need to see the bright side of things. And for a while you even do. And then, you see, someone, who was behind you in class in all the ways possible, and *boom* that hits you hard. Your self esteem (especially all the hard work through college, falls flat; what happened to hard work in college reap benefits etc?) goes for a toss. But you are still hopeful (after all, what is life w/out any hope?). But, then, instead of walking forth, life hands you a bunch of cards that you can't bluff with nor can you gamble with. 

And then you are stuck. Or you appear to be stuck. This is the second stage of the disease. 

It is when you are stuck in the second stage, you stop rationalising. You stop wondering, and you forget that each one is fighting some battle or the other. 

This is the stage when you actually sit and analyse each decision that you have made in life and wonder, where is it that you have gone wrong??? What is it that you did not do? Appease the right Gods or the right people. 

And, this, my dear friends leads us to the third and the final stage of this disease, where, you have analysed all the decisions of your life and have wondered and imagined all the possible "what if" scenarios and really can't find where did you go wrong. This is the stage when you become uncertain of all the decisions (major or minor) that are to be taken by you. The virus of malaise like a weed sucks out all your confidence and happiness. You are only kept wondering, why is the other person happier than you? That, why is your life stuck, and that, whether to wake up next morning to go to work is as much of a hard work or as easy as it gets. You can't appreciate all the good around you. hell you can't even be happy for the person that you love. The other symptoms include feeling low all the time; self pity; procrastination; low (lowest) self esteem and confidence and more severe cases nothing (and when I say noting, it means NOTHING x infinity) can ever make you happy. Crying becomes a part of your routine (even when on the face of it, you look like you are not crying in the heart, you are howling in pain and emptiness) and you question everything, including the destiny that is often talked about in the self help books.. you are direction-less and mostly angry or zombie like.

They are very few people, okay there may be a lot of people who are satisfied with their lives and maybe a tiny bit dissatisfied with some parts of it. But, if one of the major parts of your own self, of your own being is dissatisfied with something that is akin to your identity, then it becomes really difficult to appreciate the good things and be happy for the people in your life. 

The disease of Malaise is a very very severe problem, to be dealt with extreme love, care and patience. You have been forewarned!

O is for Objectively

“Now, Now, let us look at this objectively. “

I wonder, how can anyone be objective to any situation. Of course, unless you are a complete third party to it, and you lose nothing, in giving an unbiased, uninfluenced opinion on something. But, when the stakes are high, and that too your stakes, I wonder, how an opinion can be objective.

When you are a judge in a competition, how can you not have a favourite? How can you not like someone over the other.

In another scenario, when you are judge presiding over legal proceedings, giving a sentence to someone, granting the custody of a child to one parent over the other, how can you not be disturbed by your own conscience?

India is currently undergoing elections. The ruling party is definitely going out. They have done their bit for 10 years. The next big thing that is being hailed for the betterment of India is Narendra Modi.

And, even though he claims that he has taken his state Gujarat (for which he is a CM) from zero to hero, there are contradictory accounts to that from the citizens staying there. There is a constant battle on, on the social media websites, where his supporters clash with his opposers. News channels and media reports are rubbished. His albatross you ask, the 2002 Gujarat Riots, where Hindu & Muslims were killed. He was the CM then. He is the CM of Gujarat now and from the way it is being touted, it seems he will be the next PM.

Even though the judicial enquiry and Special Investigation Team’s reports and Supreme Court of India have given him a clean chit, he himself has not even once in the last 12 years come out and either claimed responsibility (being the CM, the law and order was his responsibility ) or said sorry.

Whenever, I share an article or articulate my feelings and thoughts about this albatross, I am often asked to look at things objectively and that I should really move on to the real issues of development.

Yes, I agree that his capitalist and money making outlook along with his stringent personality traits are  total opposite to that of our current PM, who is also called the mute PM, puppet PM to say the least, will put India on the front foot for the economic recovery.

My question only is, that by looking at everything so objectively, I hope we are not putting at the helm a man, without a conscience for whom there is no worth of the human life.

All I hope is that, in the quest of money, we are not selling our soul to the devil.

A tale of two girls

They were born 5 months apart.
In the same family but to different mothers.
They were polar opposites.
One was the dark beauty, the other a lil fair. One was an absolute extrovert and the other an introvert.
But they both had long black hair that reached below their waist.
They were in the same school, from the day that they started their education. In kindergarden, because they wanted new bags, they tore each others..
Not a festival or a birthday went by, without them being together.
They were "first cousins", but one look by a stranger, and they would assume that the girls are twins. Inseparable.

They both hated the fact that they were always protected. So at the age of 12, they decided that they would elope to South America as soon as they turned 18, and live with the freedom that they always desired.
At 15, things changed. Sorrow touched their soul.
At 16, the sorrow hit them again. This time at the magnitude that one cannot even imagine.
And finally, once the heart began settle, and come out of the sadness that they recieved, they decided once again to follow the dreams of their freedom. Of the shackles that the family had tied them into.
They changed their aims and their dreams, so that they could just be themselves and chase happiness over the family pressures of having a mundane and a usual career. The 17th year was finally the one where they were going to put their foot down, and finally live a life that they had dreamnt of together.
South America seemed a far away dream, but a hostel around the university seemed viable.
As they waited for their 12th Standard result, the plans of being independent were discussed in hushed tones and excited voices.
And then maybe a week before the results, one of them vanished. Left. Leaving the other in a lurch. In pain, and in utter disbelief that the one who she shared her soul with could break the promise that she had made.
The one left  behind looked for clues, re played the events of the night of the disappearance, wondering what went wrong. But, she had no way of finding the truth. The answers were hid. The questions buried and the family just increased the protection for the one left behind. The fence, while allowed her to breathe, was no longer her interest. She was left alone to fend for her freedom, and she did have the courage to break hearts of the people who were already crushed under the disappearing act of one of the two.
The one left behind, still looks for answers. Still cluthches to the hope that one day, her soul-mate, her sister, her friend and her confidant will come back and tell her that, she needed her space to sort her mind, and that she is back to take the other one away. 

Reservation starts right on the Top!

A very insightful and an extremely educative discussion with a colleague in the office triggered this blog post. Honestly speaking, the, conclusion about the fact, that the reservation starts at the top hit me like a bolt of lightening and yes, it truly was a revelation.

We were not really talking about the reservation in the job sector , education sector etc done by the government. As a matter of fact, we were talking about the 'Vaman' avatar of Lord Shri Krishna, wherein the God had come earth to save the earth from a demon king.
You don't have to hear this entire story to actually know the moral of the story, that being, that Good always prevails over the bad!

Now, the thing about reservation here was, that, have you ever wondered that, all the demons and the atyachaari kings that the Gods have come to earth to kill, happen to reach Heaven? And that they become the lucky ones to be killed by God, and attain the highest order of after death ranking i.e 'Mukti'.
Now, the other cadre of people who attain this Mukti are the Saints, the people who have left their 'Moh' and 'Maya' behind, and have embraced the way of God.
But what happens to us?
The 'General' class, who are neither the Demon kings nor the Saints, who leave behind everything to embrace God.. why are we instilled  with the fear of God, and who are also told that in case we do not live in the fear of the Almighty we for sure will be in the cycle of million births and may also be born as low life's!

And, what exactly are we the cadre of General Class doing? Living our lives. On the norms that have been set by a society. In case, those norms are broken, there have been instances that have been publicized of those of honor killing!

Isn't it ridiculous, that the general people, the mango people, as we are commonly known, do only what is expected out of us to do- We are born. We study. We get married. Take  care of our responsibilities while struggling with the daily grind of life. And then we die. And in between all of this, we are not even guaranteed 'Mukti', because we do not fall in the category of either being a saint or being a sinner.

It is like sitting for your Board Exams and wondering that even if I score a 95%, there will be someone from the 'Reserved' category with lower marks who will get in the college, and then there will be no seat. And then there will be the super rich who will send their children abroad.. and then you wish that you were not the mango person that you are! Unsure about your future, because, you are what you are and not the 'Reserved' one!

But, then Reservation has been done by Almighty himself, when the Almighty can't guarantee you a decent life after Death, especially since you have done nothing extraordinary.. this is just your Life. Governed if not by the norms of the society then by the norms of the Government.. who squeezes everything out of you.. after all.. you and I, we are just Mangoes!

A Baseball Game out of my Life

You wanna be an honest person? And you wish to go high up the corporate ladder? And you plan to take your sorry patronizing ass right to the top of that ladder along with you? Are you nuts?

This was what my roomie told me, the other day. The reason? Well, being in the marketing side of the businesses, I am responsible for the kind of feelings people perceive, towards the company I work for. And my so-called superiors expect me to quote false figures - for the crowd, for the clients, for fucking everyone! I mean, what are they thinking? Don't they realize that people aren't stupid? Son't they realize that once they are caught lying, not a single soul will ever believe them again?

Yes, I did tell them that. And I was replied to by, "everybody skews a figure there, and a figure here. We aren't the first ones to do it. And neither would be the last ones!" That's when it hurt!

Do you know what hurt me? Not because of what he said to me, but rather because what he said to me was the truth! I am just gonna be 25 in a month, and I have already worked with a couple of companies. And I know it for a fact that my so-called seniors were right!

And then I start questioning myself. I started staring at the crowd with a questioning eye. My question? Simple. Just because everyone around me is a thief, should I turn into a thief too? Should I die hungry, never get a beautiful wife for myself, drop the idea of raising a child who will one day make me proud, just because I wanna earn an honest living?

The answer is simple, I know. I should start a business of my own. But for that, you need dedication. you need money. And you need people who you can trust. And of course, if you focus on your business, you kind of lose focus from your family. At least until your business stands tall. And since you lose focus from your family, since you fail to earn enough just because you manage to run after your dreams, you again lose the chance of getting married to a beautiful wife, the dreams of having a kid who you can pamper to the hilt.

Yes, life's bad. But it ought to know, that I am worse. it doesn't matter what life keeps throwing at me. I keep a baseball bat safe under my shirt, that I take out, make a huge swish at the ball life's thrown at me, and then start running. Yes, I am on the run now. It's time to hit the base, before life gets the control back in it's own hand. Sadly, my hit wasn't hard enough, last time around. It couldn't be hard enough for a home run. Yet, I shall keep running.

Strike 1!