Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Out (Perform)

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. - Iyanla Vanzant"

The above lines appeared with the picture below it on a page that a frequent on Facebook called "berlin-artparasites". The lines that they often quote, sometimes with a known author, sometimes with unknown authors. These lines, most often than not resonate with the feelings that most of the world is feeling at that point time (going by the thousands/ lakhs of likes and comments).

This one in particular, left me thinking. And thinking. I have been thinking about these lines for almost a week and every time I have read them, I want to break down and cry. I want to curl up into this ball on a hard cold floor and cry myself out of the misery that I feel for the life that I have created.
[Now, before you all start dreading about my relationship with the Husband let me clear the air to tell you that it is not about the "personal" problems, but professional ones]

So, if everything is a reflection of what I believe about myself then in that case, I am doomed (or not). I think very highly of myself as a lawyer. I believe that I am good. (I mean, I do give freelance advisory and all), but then there are instances that make me self doubt my abilities. The doubt being of a kind that spirals out of control and makes me lose  my mind over every aspect of my life. My faith in myself so far as my career goes has gone down the drain. There is nothing to show but bad decisions made at desperate times leading to one disaster over other. It is these disasters that leave me with a hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach about the belief that I have about being a lawyer.

I try to be careful. Cautious. But, my ability to take really bad decisions over takes my ability of taking informed decisions. Just too many things, too many equations and boom, I land in trouble again.
It is not a hidden fact that I abhor my current retainer position. I cry silently even in office, it is that bad. I hate the fact that the miracles that happen, the sudden good things the one opportunity to change my life is just not coming along. I can't fathom, as to is this just pure bad luck for me? Because I know that I am a hard- working girl. But, it is just not happening.

Today the "lawyers" in the office have got their incentives, but, that doesn't happen for me. Because I have been told not to count myself as a lawyer (and to imagine that I changed from an in-house position to be more of a lawyer). I am trying to see the "good" in the "worse" kind of situation but, I am losing it. The only reason I am holding on to my sanity is because of the constant support of my dear Husband.
You know how people just know that they are on the right track and then things just fall in place for them.. my things are not falling into place at all. I haven't had a happy coincidence in ages and I am hating that.
How do I out-perform my own self? My self doubts and above all my habit of making bad decisions, because, I am unable to draw my worth to my at all.. how do I go past that??

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