Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Continuing the "Nobody" rant..

I read a lot of articles written on "artparasites", they are the articles, poems which have a flow in them. Even if it is an essay, the words flow like perfection. So many of those essays and poems resonate within me. Often, making me realise that the inflictions of my imagination and the traumas of my daily life are not my own. There are other people facing the similar (if not the same). (Like I had said, I am not even a hero in my own story).

So while browsing through the website today, I came across an essay , which was titled as "Mediocrity is Underrated", and it is written by a 19 year old. This nineteen year old writes, "Perfection might be the order of the day, but it’s an incredibly lonely place to be. "

And, while I agree that you may have less to no real friends, it also a place where, you wish to be.

Who doesn't want their world to be perfect, and in worlds that are perfect, perfection may not be a lonely place.


I looked up narcissist, and it seems that me wanting appreciation from the people around me doesn't fit in the definition.
In any event, I think, I have figured out my problem, or the so called problem about the identity crisis that I am facing. About me being a nobody.
I think, I just can't make up my mind about what is it that I want, and what is that I want to be. Do I want to be the "tyag ki devi" types of bahu and beti.. or would I rather be the mean and the selfish kinds, not looking beyond my own interests.
The thing being, that I believe that I cannot be mean or selfish. If I am, I keep looking for ways to make up (to the person, to whom I was selfish). It is as simple as this: The husband wants to go out on a weekend to meet a friend outside the city. And he asks me, and I am like "Oh, do you have to, its the weekend." And he doesn't go.
In retrospect, when we both would look back to it, he would say, that I don't "allow" him to be. And I will retort, but I did not stop you. And he would reply back by saying, "I know, that you did not say no, and that I was free to do what I wanted, but I was not welcome to do it".
This statement because of the way it is, would take me time to understand, and then when I would finally understand this statement (or the likes of it), I would continue to swing like a pendulum thinking.. "Am the kind of wife that stifles her husband?" and on the other hand thinking "Why the fuck won't he want spend time with me? We only get the weekends" And because, in my brain there is another dimension, I would also end up thinking " But, if I have to go and do something on my own, on a holiday, he never stops me... I should be more acceptable" and then back to the square one "He lets me go, maybe because, he doesn't want to spend time with me". By the time these thoughts are processed and something comes out  of my mouth, it is totally irrelevant to the discussion at hand, and I sound like an ass, rather than someone who deals with logic day in and day out.
I end up feeling all kinds of guilt, then all kinds of frustration (why do I have spell it out every time.. its been so many years how come he doesn't know how to please me...which in a usual couple argument is often thrown back at me with the line "that I never see the glass as full")... and any action taken after such an argument leaves me even more confused, "Did he do it because he wanted to.. or because, I wanted him to?"
My emotions, and the range of thoughts are totally haywire, and maybe because, I am so dependant upon people telling me what to do, how to feel, how to react all the time, I become deranged with all the emotions. I mentally prepare a very strong speech about a certain situation, and that speech never comes out. Instead some blabbered nonsense comes out, almost like there is no connection between my brain and my vocal chords.

I hate sounding the way I sound in this post. Miserable. Confused. Angry. Antsy. And somehow plain needy. I wish I was a better person. A smarter person. But alas, this is me, And I am sorry.   

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