When You are 30

In your growing up years, you realise that there are challenges everyday.
Every single day during the school days was comprised of, why is it necessary for me to sit and study academic books over and above the novels that I loved.
And in later years, it was always about the pressures of the high school, while I saw my sister sailing through it all (schooling system changed, and I was the first born, hence, experiment baby, and to give her some credit, she was better than me).

In class 12th, the sole aim of life was to ensure that, I somehow meet some sort of expectations of my parents, and through my college years, I breezed through academics (because I realised that I can actually enjoy studying), however, at that point in time, I had the boyfriend and how to ensure that I have enough money to keep on have recharges in my phone to get to talk to him. Other troubling aspects included my dance class promotions, fending off marrige proposals and wondering how in the world will I end up getting a job.

World was intact when I passed law; when I told my parents about the boyfriend/husband, and I got a job, which converted into firm practice. By the time I hit my quarter life mark, I thought that things were under control. I was this over-excited, ready to please the world, and eager to move forward in career phase. The marriage did sort of spin things out of control, and the expectations of "OMG, you have to be responsible for the husband and father in law" were gifted along with the entire band, baaja, baraat. I thought that I would be able to pull this. I knew the husband for a long time, and we had battled the odds in our relationship and whatever the worls had to say, love is enough. Our first fight happened, less than a month of being married. It was a bad fight, and it broke my heart. It also made me realise that 24x7 vs a weekend here and there are different things all together. And, for two years and 3 months, I shut out the "responsibility" part. I did, only as much as I could, and as much as I wanted to (to keep my own guilt at bay). It was still a lot of roses and less of thorns. Till, we had to move from the "sarkari" to the "bhada" circle. All of a sudden there was rent to be paid, and an FIL, who had too much time on his hands (though to give him credit, he steps back when he realises that husband and I are talking angry code words).
But that was in Mumbai and it was for 1 year only!

Today, we are here. It is going to be a year in Delhi, and I turned 30. And several people (older, contemporaries) have been commenting "ha", what is age? Just a number! I too was like, so what, I am just 30. It is the new 20ies! But, then, I guess life has a plan. And for all those years, that I have shied away and shirked away from responsibility, 30 seems to be the right kind of age.
Life decided, that enough. You need to start being an Adult. And no, earning money, and paying your taxes doesn't count. So, all of a sudden, there comes a curve ball and the last 3 (three) weeks, all I (okay, we) have been doing is going from one stress to the other, one crises to the other. Just when, we got one part of our affairs in order, wham, came one blow. The moment that got somewhat sorted, wham came another.
To add to that, all of a sudden, I have too much work on my desk (which is the BEST thing), but I can feel the burn-out. I can feel like life is looking at me.
I can feel that it is waiting. To pounce.

How does, 30 become such an "age" issue? Because, between 25-29, it is about getting married. Somehow, marriage is not such a big deal. But now, all of a sudden, all (okay, almost all) of our friends have babies. People who got married as late as 2 years after us have kids and, we obviously have none (Sugar, is of course an exception), and it is weird. My BFF has a small lil prince, and while I love him to the core, it becomes weird, because parents are parents, and even though they are cool, all of a sudden, they have responsibilities and priorties that go much beyond partying and other social engagements. Even as a BFF, you become secondary. Since you don't have a baby, you are expected to visit, and keep batting questions about your own plans. While you bat those questions with other questions or the usual "hmmm", your mind goes to the biological clock that is ticking, and your doctor and your mom's voice in the head. You know things have gone over and above, when your FIL tells you that it is high time that we plan, and you smile at him, and tell him that you can't do it alone, laugh it off and move on.
You are left to question every little action of yours, cringe at the thought of reaching out to certain people because you are snubbed, or told that you are inconsiderate. You think about several other things including about the "Me" times and the "Us" times, You go to the Durga Puja and when you try celeberating with your parents, you realise that they wont, or realise that the husband still can't have a comfortable equation with people who you are close to, and that you will forever be answering the questions about the "husband, who won't socialize" and the one who still can't buy a gift.

This turning 30 business, is not turning out to be pleasant. But one can hope? right?

Have you ever..

Sat and wondered, 

about how life is, and why, 

you are doing what you are, and,

why you are not doing, what thy neighbours are. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why it feels like life is a roller coaster, 

when you hate the thought of getting on one, 

in the most loved theme park? 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about why you believe, and why, 

despite it all, you have the faith? or, 

why in that Harry Potter series, 

it was only love which prevailed, and

why in real life, only persistence and will, 

will prevail. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why despite your best intentions, 

everything fucks up, 

and why, just, OH LORD why, 

things never work in your favour. 

Have you ever sat, wondered and questioned, 

the beliefs that you felt were instilled, 

not by your family or friends, but,

by the self help book, which claimed, 

that the universe has it ways, and if you really, 

really want it, it will come your way. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about, why are you always in a conflict, 

about why, you want your cake, and eat it too, 

about being jealous of people who seem to have it all, 

while you are still struggling, 

travelling 30 kms in one haul.

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

when you were told about being "lucked out", 

why is it that you are always out of luck, 

and even though you know that, 

there are ones in situations worse than you, 

you can't empatise, and still wallow about you! 

Have you ever sat, wondered, and hoped, 

that things will be set right, 

and life as we had dreamed, will, 

finally be realised, 

and all, will be okay. 

One can after all, sit, wonder, and hope against hope!

****

Have you ever sat and wondered...about why it is home that you always want to come back to,about how it is that kiss at the start of the day that lifts you up.about how that one tight embrace at the end of the nights makes everything feel worth it,about despite all the despair, it is only the love that helps you conquer it all?Have you ever sat and wondered, that you've probably lucked out on love.Love, that prevails. 

The Curse of being a Harry Potter Fan

So yes, I read the "Cursed Child". And NO, it is NOT written by J.K Rowling. It has been written by two people who have appearently written a lot of great screenplays, and believe me when I say, that it would have definitely looked really great on stage. (Did you know that they screened the thing live from London at Habitat Centre, New Delhi.. I did not even know that things like this even happen.)

So, the thing is that it is a reharsal script. It is therefore written like a rehearsal script. And it is at the end of the day "fan fiction", where the playrights have used their imagination to take forward the story of the Deathly Hallows. Deathly Hallows leaves us with an Albus Severus Dumbledore Potter asking his father about how his life in Hogwards is going to be if he gets sorted into Slytherin and the reassurances that he gives by saying  that he is named after two Hogwarts Headmasters; one was a Slytherin (Snape) and possibly the bravest man he ever knew. Harry also confides to Albus that the Sorting Hat takes the student's own choice into consideration, as it had done for Harry when he was Sorted - something Harry has never told his other children.

Despite the original ending being so amicable, the Cursed Child talks about the failing relationship of Harry Potter and his middle child, and his best friend Scorpious Malfoy. While, it is all good that a Potter and a Malfoy become “best friends”, the animosity shown between the families seems to be a little over the top.

I am a biased reviewer here because, I have read all the Harry Potter books with a devotion of a fan. From all the reading that I have done, I think, (and I also believe devout fans all over the world) would not be able to relate to the Potters, Weasely-Grangers or the other characters that have been shown in the “Script”. One of the major flaws of the “script” was to show that Ron and Hermione know about Snape’s real loyalties, despite the losing the battle of Hogwards (where Harry dies). But, if we go back to the original story at Deathly Hallows, we find that Ron, Hermione and Harry only get to know about Snape, once they realise that Nagini is a horcrux, and they stumble upon Voldemart killing Snape once he figures out why the Elder Wand won’t obey him.  This is where Snape gives his memory to Harry. The alternate reality in the “script” deviates from this plot.

And this may or may not be counted as a blooper, but it surely is a turn off.

And for all those who bought this thinking that it was written by J.K. Rowling, people, read the news reports. For the fans who are in love with Harry Potter, while we would love to know what happens next (and await this news), read the Cursed Child, as an independent fan fiction only, because thinking it to be anywhere close to what J.K. Rowling created would only disappoint you. This is the curse of being a Potter Fan!

13 going to 30!

It even sounds weird!
"Hi, I am 30!"

I mean I know and I have heard enough about the "age is nothing but a number", but it is weird when you sit back and realise that all of a sudden, you are neither in your traumatic teens, nor in the drama twenties, but you are suddenly thirty.

It is like entering the teens. All of a sudden you are a kid and then wham bham you are teen. And in all hoensty, your twenties are usually an extension of your teeange years.You are in college when you are 18, 19, and 20 (and even more if you are in a professional course or pursuing your masters!). So you are being taken care of, you are being paid a pocket money or you are doing odd jobs to support your passions and even when you are fresh and out in the world to do a proper job, you are full of adrenaline and enthusiasm to take over the world.

Suddenly you are 25. And if you are in Delhi, that is a BIG deal because now you can officially go drinking. And by the time you end reveling in your quarter life crisis, you are 27, all of a sudden it is all about getting married (you may also be married for a year by then!). And by the time you realise that your life has suddenly changed, from the teens to the twnties, from school college to work, from single to being married (and being a parent too in some cases), you hit the thirty mark.

You are expected to grow up. To take up responsibilities like they are sacrements and always, always make sense of all the decisions that you take. Whether it is about your marriage, your family, your career, everything. It is like, from a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being the lowest), you are allowed a margin of error of (minus) 1.

Is it like changing everything overnight? No. But it surely does instil the feeling of "change". It makes you feel inadequate.
When you are 30, you tend to look back, and look back alot (or at least I do) and assess about what all have you achieved.
Unfortunately, the society has put the assessment in a straight jacket of: marriage, family, kids and career. And as you assess against these you have a panic attack, because, you are failing. If not in all, then definitely in one (and if you are the kinds who has it all- then, please share, how?).

While I have definitely not failed the complete assessment, I also know that maybe things could have been better. But, jab jaago tabhi savera!

I think, the most important thing in my life that I have done and am proud of is finding my dear darling husband. He will disagree to say that, we fight like maniacs, so how can he be my best find? The fact of the matter is that, while I assess my life in the societal straight jacket, I am grateful to have found someone who is willing to change the norms, and who is willing to question everything (it does get annoying.. but..) . It makes life a little bit more exciting when we have a million apps to satiate our hunger for binge TV watching or when we just take the car and find ourselves at places like bhootgaon!
Of course life is up and down and I am not particularly happy about reaching an age where I am judged because my uterous has aged more, and us having kids has become a conversation starter. But, I am here now and I can't really help it!

I think, what I take back from my last 30 years is that while I have effectively changed as a person, from being totally hopelessly unsatisfaioed, angry teenager to a little less of the same, I am slowly becoming into my own person. I am blooming maybe a couple of years late. But I am blooming. From cooking awesome food, to learning how to argue better (respond and not react), from realising that mornings have always been under-rated (especially post the rains!) and that exercising should have been started at least 2 years ago.. from the emotional, and financial mess to trying to untangle the mess by taking control of things.. it seems that there is a lot of catching up to do. All the things (including relationships) that have been taken for granted need to be rebuilt. And these are the tasks that have been cut out for me/Us!
One more task that is just for me, is to learn patience and satisfaction. There is no dirth of things that are happening with people in my so call friend list, and I need to stop assessing my life against them. I need to learn the art of letting go, and embracing whatever comes my way. Another thing that I have to learn and accept is that even with the closest of people you can't expect them to completely change and/or adjust to yourself, there has to be a middle ground. Maybe it is time to get into meditation, and to move towards a little bit more stillness. And by that I mean, grounding your emotions to train your mind to not have oscillating emotions. To think through situations and to really be able to assess the consequences of the words coming out of my mouth. To be less angry, less unsatisfied.
This would be like a emotional rehab for me, I may lapse and re-lapse into my old patterns, but I have to try. I have to be a better person, a more solid person, because it seems that, this is what is holding me behind and has husband doubting my skills to be a grown up.

While, I try to be zen, I will also try to dance to on the crazy songs, just to remind myself that life maybe a struggle, but as kids, the most we worried about was the homework and the vacations, and how life was simpler.

Happy 30th to me!

3.0

Has it been 10 years since I entered my twenties? It seems like yesterday. And as cliched as it sounds, it does seem like yesterday. And it has been half a decade since I discovered that when you hit your quarter life mark, you don't grow wings either.

I remember my 20th Birthday to the extent that I still have the collage that the sister had lovingly made for me. We had it framed and it hung proudly in my erstwhile room. I call it erstwhile, not because I am married but because the character of that room has also changed. And that change had begun exactly a year back. I surprised my parents and they surprised me back. The layout of that room and the furniture of that room had always kept me grounded, and always reminded me of the times and nights that I had spent there weaving my dreams. Now most of it is with me in my house (pati ka ghar) because I am in NCR. Including that collage- Which hangs on a wall above our bed. It is quite a placement, because on the other side of the bed is another collage that I had made on our first marriage anniversary. So when I stand on the foot of my bed, I can actually, physically see the change in the circle and see the times that have gone by and the people who I have lost on the way to death.

Apart from the BFF, the only other constant has been the Husband and I have to give it to him, I am not an easy person to deal with, and he has done it. Not only did he date me, but about 6 years back on my birthday eve, he proposed to me. We were going through all the pictures the other day on the ipad, and just as 2010 was getting over, I was like oh, after this I wont be in any pictures, only to realise that, we have been together from 2005! So yeah, my Mr. constant, and my support and my everything too!

So now, a decade later, a week to my 30th Birthday, I have been forced to sit and think about life. It has been more than a decade since I turned 18, and while the world has turned upside down, I have never assessed what I have achieved on adulting!

Whenever we have gone for job interviews, and otherwise also, we have often been advised to make life plans and life goals and garner satisfaction from achieving those goals that have been made and ticked on the "Goal List". What they don't tell you is that when life happens, the goals get fucked.

I also had a life plan. And according to that life plan, I would have had reached a point in my career where I was the boss or atleast someone senior, and that I would have had a family (kids), and a house and whatever the best version of a happily after. And trust me when I say that none of the life goals have been achieved.
I had thought that 20ies was when one struggled, and that by the time the third decade rolls in, there would be stability.

But, life happened my friends. While my BFF is settling down in a family as per her plan (yeah baby and all), we are on a completely different planet. The questions have become so uncomfortable that, I avoid unnecessary spending time at my parents. And when I have to be there, I have to change subjects because, I have no answer to their question of stability.

Life is becoming like a dark alley without a light where I am groping in the dark trying to make sense of things. I am not completely disheartened, I am just tiring down. It is like a never ending road.

I don't know, whats happening any more, and I hate the fact that I am almost 30 and I still can't control whats happening in my life.

My crazy antics, and my stupidity are the only thing that are keeping me sane, but, now life calls me to be always serious, 30 after all is a responsible age. Just about it. Or so I guess.

As I countdown (in my head) to my 30th Birthday, Madcap Loon's advice keeps pestering me- Age is nothing but a number. For men maybe. But for women, 30 is a psycological mark. It is when we start using the anti-ageging creams, and it is when we the society starts telling you that you have missed the turn, and that you better hurry and hope that your child is healthy when you have him/her. This is also an age when however hard you try, even air makes you fat and then it takes you forever to shed it off, when you need a full night's sleep to recover from a late night party and all of a sudden there are friends who seem all grown up, and make you feel juvinile.

I don't regret the last 29 years of my life in any manner, I do believe in whatever happens, happens for the best. But, in the next decade, I think, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be less stressed. I want to be more settled, and I want to be at peace.
And all of this- I want with the Husband.

Let us see, from here, where life goes!

One Lakh and Counting (hopefully)!

I opened my blog after a week and the first thing that stared back me was a 6- digit number for the page views. Now for the "Royal Bloggers", who have been regularly blogging about fashion, short- stories, beauty and even politics (sattire) and humour this must have come a long time back.

But for a blogger like me, who has taken quite a few haituses and who usually talks about her personal dilemas and dramas rather than reviews and views, this is a big milestone.

The old (and the gold) readers know that the only reason that I had started blogging was to impress this certain someone (now my Husband, who, BTW has stopped writing). Most of my initial posts here (and before here on the other platforms) were very random (an e-mail forward that I really liked, or love quotes etc.)

It has taken about 9 years and 660 posts for me to reach here. It has taken a lot of encouragement from my fellow bloggers (Uncle Jack, Kashvi, Suruchi, Harini, Roop, Alka, Divya, Harshita, M, Vagabond, Anuradha, and all those whose names I have missed!!!) and ofcourse from the Husband for me to continue my ramblings. For me to dabble in poetry, and to write my reviews and views on movies and current affairs.

Yes, there have been times when I have written things that have offended people and have also compelled me to shut this blog or make it private. While I do agree that somethings are too personal to be shared on a public fora as such, I have tried my best to protect my privacy while opening my life to the world of the wide web.

It has been an interesting journey, albeit a continuing one.

Three cheers to my dear readers who have bought me so far :)

Thanks & Love!

It has been 8 months since 2016 started.
Though, while on one side, I believe that the year has just gone too fast, on the other I feel like I have been having an out of body experience, where, I am observing everything that my life is all about, but I feel stuck. Stuck in a vacuum, from where I want to scream at myself, but I just can't because I feel like a third party.

I have been home for the last two days. It took a lot of convincing to myself that I need this break. Without anybody. On a weekday, binging on netflix and doing absolutely nothing. I am no wiser, and I definitely have no solutions to the problems in my life.
I still feel like I am a third party to my life.

The other day, Husband asked me about "my plans to join Dad"; and that turned into a defensive argument which in turn led me to state "I'll find the solution to our problems" And The Husband did not believe me. I wish that he did. But I guess you spot a loser when you see one.

I just wish that I could make everything right. I wish I was not always in the wrong, always saying things that are not logical.  
I really do wish that I could finally steer my life instead of being an outsider to it.

I wish, I had some answers. But all I have are more questions. More complications.