I have slowly come to realise that I am becoming dependent.
On people.
On thoughts, that refuse to shut up.
And most importantly on things that I should not be dependent upon at all.
I have started craving for moments and days when I start feeling like my own self.
I miss having my friends and family around.
I miss having the conversations with the bf. Now that he has graduated to become the hubby, things have changed. While the most comforting thing in the world are his arms around me, the conversations have ceased. The only time that I have had a "conversation" with him was, when I was drunk, and I don't even remember what I said.
I feel left out.
Left out of the lives of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Including the hubby. He looks stressed, upset and angry so much, that I actually fear approaching him with more of my shit. Considering that most of the time I am the reason of his bad moods.
I am lonely.
I have no one to talk to. Only a lot of superficial people, who are more excited about the next travel plans, the food plans or just any other plans.
I hate it.
The fact that I have no time for life. And that I despite almost 3 months, I am still coping up with the daily travels, and choking back tears every time I step out of home to go to office only realising that, I have to ENDURE another day at office after hours of work that I don't even like. Eat food that I don't like. Starting over and getting reprimanded for things that I never did get reprimanded for EVER under my previous partner.
Struggling to get the mind, heart and soul in one line and hoping that I do not have a breakdown.
And because I am struggling to be happy myself, I can't seem to keep the hubby happy either.
This vicious circle, just won't end.
Or would it?
Or Would I become dependent on my sorrows and pain all over again to feed my insecurities?
On people.
On thoughts, that refuse to shut up.
And most importantly on things that I should not be dependent upon at all.
I have started craving for moments and days when I start feeling like my own self.
I miss having my friends and family around.
I miss having the conversations with the bf. Now that he has graduated to become the hubby, things have changed. While the most comforting thing in the world are his arms around me, the conversations have ceased. The only time that I have had a "conversation" with him was, when I was drunk, and I don't even remember what I said.
I feel left out.
Left out of the lives of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Including the hubby. He looks stressed, upset and angry so much, that I actually fear approaching him with more of my shit. Considering that most of the time I am the reason of his bad moods.
I am lonely.
I have no one to talk to. Only a lot of superficial people, who are more excited about the next travel plans, the food plans or just any other plans.
I hate it.
The fact that I have no time for life. And that I despite almost 3 months, I am still coping up with the daily travels, and choking back tears every time I step out of home to go to office only realising that, I have to ENDURE another day at office after hours of work that I don't even like. Eat food that I don't like. Starting over and getting reprimanded for things that I never did get reprimanded for EVER under my previous partner.
Struggling to get the mind, heart and soul in one line and hoping that I do not have a breakdown.
And because I am struggling to be happy myself, I can't seem to keep the hubby happy either.
This vicious circle, just won't end.
Or would it?
Or Would I become dependent on my sorrows and pain all over again to feed my insecurities?
1 comment:
All you seem to think of all the time is your hubby. You need to get out and enjoy your life. Stop blaming yourself for all that is going on. Things will get fine. They are meant to be. :)
You're a rock, don't let such things bite you. :)
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