Monday, March 31, 2014


So, I went home after 3 whole months.  For exactly 3 days.

As usual, right now, I am cranky. I want to go back.

This was a quick trip. A surprise that I had planned all by myself, making this into a work- pleasure trip. And the joy on the faces of my father, my grandmother, my mother, BFF, Bua and Uncle D was priceless. The entire effort was worth all of it.
When I rand the bell, Friday night, and my Dad opened the door, it was pure joy on his face, and my mom was over the moon. My grandmother could not understand the commotion till I ran to her room and stood in front of her and she was like “OH MY GOD”.
I stood behind BFF’s bedroom door, when she came to her house the next day and continously kept on hitting me to make sure that I am in Delhi.
Bua, reacted like she has just won the miss universe contest, and my weekend was made. I wish I could come down every other weekend to be with them. To help my mom do the clothes that only she can discuss with me. Be there for the BFF.. for my sister, when she is going through her usual crisis mode.
But, alas, it is a pleasure which is reserved now, for the time being. BFF is really hopeful, so is my mum, and actually, EVERYBODY is really hopeful, including me that I would be able come back to Delhi, for good. I really want to. But it seems that fate has something else in store for us. I really don’t know, how to tempt fate, because, the moment I do, I know I would end up paying a huge price for it.

It has been almost 1.5 years since we have been married, but I still ache every time I go to Delhi and every time I have to come back. It is the same battle that I fight when I have to leave the husband and Sugar behind.

Such a catch 22 situation I am in currently, that it is not even funny.

I went to the Delhi High Court today.. And it seemed like home. It has always been home. I felt the itch to sit in the chair that I did, when I conducted my meeting today. I don’t know, what I felt at that p[articular time, embarrassed maybe when a very senior advocate told my father that he should be proud to have a daughter like me.

My mom and I are so alike in so many ways that it is not even funny.. She gets super irritated every time I am leaving for Mumbai. I have seen the pattern. For the kind of childhood that I have had with her, the troubled relationship that I have had with my mother, I never really thought that I would miss her so much. Marriage does weird things to your relationships.
That is a fact.

Oh, GOD, what I would not do to be there for them, as often as they liked. I know, the husband is very sceptical about how his mother in law will interfere in our lives. Of course, both his in laws influence a lot of my decisions, but then, there is a good reason for that influence. If only he understood.
But, yes, even though I too am sceptical about my mother’s interference, but I do know that the good sense of my dad will always prevail over my mother’s calls. So I think it will work out.

In the three days that I was in Delhi, I did not make any social calls. Kashvi will know what I mean. I just wanted to be under the radar for all practical purposes. I remember a post that she had written a couple years back during one of her trips back home, where all she wanted to do was to just be at home. At that point in time, after I read what she had written I called her up check if all was okay. She tried to explain, I tried to understand, but all went in vain. Today, I think I see that post and all her emotions in a different light.
Of course I know of a lot of people (including my husband, who, loves the idea of a home away from home, minus the emotions that I feel) but well, I feel differently.
Yes, I am too emotionally attached to my roots, to my house, to my life that I have always lived. Despite the restrictions, despite the grudges, I think I miss being unmarried and bickering about life in general. I miss being, ME.
I won’t say that I am leading a bad life. Actually, the husband takes really good care of me. I don’t even call up my parents as often. But, well.. Delhi is Home. It will always be home. It is where memories are. It what has made me.
No, wonder the song “Kabira” (from Yeh Jawani hai Deewani) makes me homesick. Always.

I am in flight, while I type this, and I have shed tears, at least twice. And, I am tearing up again. Eons ago, when I used to go stay with taiji for a month or two at a go, or for that matter when I did my internships in Mumbai, I used to tear up, when I had to come back home.. I used to be so proud of myself at not being homesick.
I guess, I never knew this stage.

Life has its ways.

Any ways, this was pure rant. Pure remembrance captured in a post.. or so I tried.

I hope you all had a fun month of March , doing your taxes.. Now starts the month of politics, and hopefully I will be able to put in my thoughts about the general elections soon enough.

Ciao till then.

1 comment:

Suzi said...

What a terrific surprise for your family. I'm lucky to have my immediate family within an hour's drive or less.