One Lakh and Counting (hopefully)!

I opened my blog after a week and the first thing that stared back me was a 6- digit number for the page views. Now for the "Royal Bloggers", who have been regularly blogging about fashion, short- stories, beauty and even politics (sattire) and humour this must have come a long time back.

But for a blogger like me, who has taken quite a few haituses and who usually talks about her personal dilemas and dramas rather than reviews and views, this is a big milestone.

The old (and the gold) readers know that the only reason that I had started blogging was to impress this certain someone (now my Husband, who, BTW has stopped writing). Most of my initial posts here (and before here on the other platforms) were very random (an e-mail forward that I really liked, or love quotes etc.)

It has taken about 9 years and 660 posts for me to reach here. It has taken a lot of encouragement from my fellow bloggers (Uncle Jack, Kashvi, Suruchi, Harini, Roop, Alka, Divya, Harshita, M, Vagabond, Anuradha, and all those whose names I have missed!!!) and ofcourse from the Husband for me to continue my ramblings. For me to dabble in poetry, and to write my reviews and views on movies and current affairs.

Yes, there have been times when I have written things that have offended people and have also compelled me to shut this blog or make it private. While I do agree that somethings are too personal to be shared on a public fora as such, I have tried my best to protect my privacy while opening my life to the world of the wide web.

It has been an interesting journey, albeit a continuing one.

Three cheers to my dear readers who have bought me so far :)

Thanks & Love!

It has been 8 months since 2016 started.
Though, while on one side, I believe that the year has just gone too fast, on the other I feel like I have been having an out of body experience, where, I am observing everything that my life is all about, but I feel stuck. Stuck in a vacuum, from where I want to scream at myself, but I just can't because I feel like a third party.

I have been home for the last two days. It took a lot of convincing to myself that I need this break. Without anybody. On a weekday, binging on netflix and doing absolutely nothing. I am no wiser, and I definitely have no solutions to the problems in my life.
I still feel like I am a third party to my life.

The other day, Husband asked me about "my plans to join Dad"; and that turned into a defensive argument which in turn led me to state "I'll find the solution to our problems" And The Husband did not believe me. I wish that he did. But I guess you spot a loser when you see one.

I just wish that I could make everything right. I wish I was not always in the wrong, always saying things that are not logical.  
I really do wish that I could finally steer my life instead of being an outsider to it.

I wish, I had some answers. But all I have are more questions. More complications. 

The Neigbourly Love

I grew up in a "colony" in Delhi. For the uninitiated a colony in Delhi is a block, where the houses are tightly packed and the community values are really strong. We had moved into the colony about 40+ years back, and most of the neighbours are known to us since time immemorial.

I had been the poster child for most of the neighbours. Because, me being me, I used to go with my grandma to all the local temple functions and kirtans, and also the local aunties and their kitty parties (with both Dadi and Ma). Most of the "grandparent"- type figures in the colony were my grandparents' friends and loved my Dad and his siblings like their own (since of course they saw them grow up, attending their weddings, and also saw their kids grow up and attended our weddings as well!!! and we also of course attended the weddings and played with the smaller kids when we were growing up).

However, I never really thought that, all this neighbourly love will backfire on me!

So while I was unmarried, a lot of questions were thrown at my Dadi and Ma about when? Luckily, my Dadi was a very strong woman and she would shut her mates up by telling them that "Let he first get settle" and as chance would have it I got married at the "suitable age". That satisfied the world at large.
But now, the neighbourly love is back again. And unfortunately, my Dadi is no more, and even if she had been alive, this time she would have actually pursued the agenda of the neighbours too (like Ma is currently doing). The agenda is "Kids".
One of the neighbours stopped my Dad the other day (or so I have been told) and asked him "Are you Nana, yet?"
And the other one apparently told my Ma, that "How is it that she has gained so much of weight on her ass?.. how will she have a baby? and.. she has been married for so long... why don't you push her?"
I laughed it off when Ma told me all of this on phone. I was cringing on the inside and seething too.

It is hard to make people understand. Okay strike that off, WHY DO I NEED TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND?
Well, in all honesty, I never thought that I would be made answerable like this by all the neighbourly love. I had definitely thought that I was above this.. but as it happens in our society no one is above the societal norms. I also understand that this may be a way of my mother telling me to hurry up already.

The whole idea of having kids, and being responsible for a tiny little life is daunting. And to be honest, I can't make the decision alone, and nor do I plan to raise them by myself. While I understand that my biological clock is like a ticking "time-bomb", I also know that this decision will bomb my relationship with the husband if it is a forced one.

The almost 30 years old me feels like I a 3 year old being reprimanded from everywhere. C'mon how fair is that?
Like I said, this adulting business is killing me. 

Nodus Tollens

July has been particularly a cruel month. Yes, I am using the word cruel. Not tough, not exasperating but cruel.
The Husband turned 31 in the first week of July, and it was nothing short of shoddy from my side. From giving him no gift, to writing him a birthday note on a piece of my office stationery. It was bad. The only saving grace was that I cooked. And cooked my heart out in the past few weeks. From fancy iced cakes to desserts which looked absolutely awesome, I can cook baby.

The amount of adulting that has happened in the last 3.5 odd weeks is nothing short of adulting on steroids. I have been dealing with A.C guys non stop. And the amount of shouting that I have been doing because of the shoddy job that they are doing still makes my head spin.
I have been stuck in traffic jams both while travelling to and back from office, practically crying because I want to give up on this and on the other hand thanking my stars that my job is actually not bad considering the last three years.
I have been busy in office. Like SUPER busy.

For the first time since taxes have been filed for me (by my Dad) it seems that I shall be making a payment to the IT department. And so is the Husband. "Mera Desh Badh Raha hai..aage badh raha hai".
Taxes spell money, and well, if I have to spell it out for the world: Then we are some trouble, Mister. But because, "Halki Plulki si zindagi hai, bhojh to sirf khwaaishon ka hai" (Credit: Piyush Mishra); I will stop wrting about this right here.

The BFF had a baby boy. I was still recovering from her announcement, and then the Godbharai and the Baby Shower, and boom, her little prince just came. This is too close to home, It is not only her, but at least three other friends in the close circle who are having babies (in the next couple of months). All of them (including the BFF) were married a year or two after me. So, obviously, all I hear from my mother dear is "Are you ever going to have a baby?". I have in this steroidal phase of course learnt to let go, and stop registering the complaints any longer. Because, that is exhausting.

Talking about exhaution and friends, (I have just 1 friend per se), the rest are friends (Okay I have 5 friends.. who are my mainstay). Some only for benefits and with expectations and conditions attached with them. But because, we are social butterflies (or caterpillars or whatever the fuck!), I make the effort to stay in touch. To call, to message and of course to FB. How many times have I sat and wondered why should I make the effort. Why should I be the bigger person, only to realise (from their FB feeds) that the "friends" have their own social circles and they really don't care if we are in them or not because they have the others.
We on the other hand, hardly have any. And thus, we have to maintain our friendships. Not them.
It gets exhausting. If not uncomfortable for the person on who we are forcing the friendships.

And then I have "Altschmerz", the weariness with the same old issues that I have always had. The same boring flaws and anxieties that I have gnawing at.
Is the Husband Happy? What, did I do now? Oh fuck, Husband has diabetes.. and he wont listen to me. I am doomed. (You get the drift)

I am almost 30. And, I have no idea about where I am. We we are (as a family). I keep jumping about trying to do the right thing (whatever that is), and always trying to balance the scales. Sometimes I want to just give up on everything and cry in a corner about what the fuck is happening. And why the hell can I not get a control of things.
Hence, Nodus Tollens "The realization that the plot of my life doesn't make sense anymore"

Re-defining, from inside to outside!

In your eyes I looked, 

a future, like an adventure, 

a trail of discovery, 

with more thorns and less moss; 

but nevertheless you hold on.

Slowly the adventure turns, 

now it is a venture; 

a slow execruciating process; 

of an everyday; 

and of struggle, that defines; 

a struggle that confines. 

Of cutting corners; 

to make the ends meet; 

of loving a little less; 

and exisiting a little bit more. 

Eagerly pushing one happiness

behind the rock; 

to see the smile on your face; 

with the happiness that you hoped for. 

In our little world; 

the struggles become real; 

the adventure becomes; 

mis-adventures. 

The daily becomes the norm; 

and excitement is just another word;

to put behind the rock. 

Befooling myself on my ability; 

for I still hope that being with me;

excites you more.

More than a piece of wire; 

a piece of music. 

But love is nothing but a mirage; 

life on the other hand a jarring light; 

that wakes you up and throws you down. 

and that is when you get up; 

redefine; 

love;

life; 

dreams and hopes; 

and still hold on, 

for faith and belief,

are like that little plank of wood;

keeping you afloat, in a tide, 

called life. 

Perennial Pain

Pain is perennial. It just hides on most of the days. But on some it just comes out and hits you hard. Right on your gut.
And leaves you moaning.

This year, on May 22nd, I was partying with a friend. We got drunk, and somewhat stoned. But were mostly sane. I must admit, that for the first time in 12 years, the date did not strike me. The tears did not wreck me. But at the back of my mind, I had a hollow feeling (could be attributable to my inebriated state). As chance would have it, while on our way back from our late night excursion, some roads were blocked, and we were forced to take internal routes, and bang, in a minute, I was on those roads, in front of those landmarks where I had spent a good part of my childhood, with Her. Where, we would walk by ourselves, holding hands, lest someone tries to take advantage of two little girls. And boom. I was numb. I could not cry shamelessly like how I do, every year, thinking about, the fateful night, and how, if only, I was a little more bossy, would things have turned out. But, my stomach was in knots, and I could not speak much. I think from thereon, I just went through the motions, like a robot. Do I feel guilty? I think, I always do. Maybe, one of the reasons why I can't ever be the same with the person, who I practically think of as my second mother. Am I the accused? Often, I go back to what transpired all those years back, and wonder, if I deserve the guilt? Whether, I could have changed anything. But it is a game of what if's that I keep on playing in my head.

Today, about 5 years back, another death, changed my life again. I know things would have been completely different had she been around. But then, I guess, life just does not make it any easier for any of us. I still don't know, how, the Husband has been dealing with this loss and in all honesty, I don't know how to make him feel better. The bitter sweet memories of the past, like the waves of pain often hit you hard. I don't have many memories with her, but the few that I have are awesome. I owe her my Husband, in all respects, and I just wish that wherever she is, she is not disappointed in me.

It is less to do with love, and more to do with pain. The binding power that is. And it is all about the memories that you keep in your heart.

I have been dealing with death and pain for the last 15 years now. And, when Dadi went, it was like an end of an era for all of us. Because, she was always there. But, we also knew that she lived her life. She saw her great grand kids (my brother's kids), and she was there, always. I spent 30 years (okay 29 years and 3 months) of my life with her. Even, in the last 4 (almost) years of being married, the one person who was the happiest to see me was her, and coming home to her, was the bestest thing ever. We celebrated her, even in her death. By eating her favourite food, and just remembering her. But, every time, I drop in to my house to say hi, I miss her.

The pain is always there. It just hits you, when you don't want it to. 

Just Average

I was always an average student. A happy go lucky kind of a girl who wanted to be friends with everyone in school. I was/ am not very talented either. I dapple in dancing and now I can bake a cookie or two, and that is about it. 

I do have a gift of gab, but apparently, I don't make much sense when I talk and half the people think that I am making up stuff, so yeah, I don't talk much either. 

I went through a fiasco when I was out of Class 12, and it was time to pick up a career, and despite the fact that in my heart, I always knew that I wanted to be an advocate, I did one year of engineering, failed badly at that, and then, I re-started in a B class law school. I of course look back at that and wonder if I could have been firmer at my decision, maybe then not changed my school, or maybe taken up arts, and then done law from a good law school, and then maybe had a better career. Or better still, had I been a little bit more intelligent in school and studied harder, or maybe been serious at some sport or maybe even at my dancing. 

But, I have always been just average. 

So, when I passed law, and I joined Ms. MA's litigation practice, I saw that she stayed with her parents, while her german husband was in Germany, and they had a "long distance marriage"; and when the practice merged in the law firm, my boss was a single mom. And a lot of others, who were in their late twenties/ early thirties, who were dating, breaking up, and were unmarried or unhitched. I was dating the husband, and after a rough 5 odd years of being in mostly a long distance relationship, we were in the "lets get hitched in marriage" kind of phase. When this happened, I made a decision, that I would try to achieve a work-life balance, and wherever required I would want to be more of a family person versus the always in office person. 

I was doing very well before I got married. I was doing good practice and I was a part of the firm that had a positive growth story. I had a great boss, and some really really great friends in the firm. And then I moved to Mumbai. I went from being in a home, where I had my grandmom practically feeding me breakfast every morning to a house with no woman. I knew about taking care of the house, but being the only doing everything was a little too much. Not only that, I had to travel for a minimum of 3+ hours each day in mumbai locals/ public transport in dastardly weather, to go to office. The husband was in a "work from home" situation, where, he worked during the nights. We were newly married. Had moved into a new house, and for the first 20 days after I joined work, I had no maid. I used to get up at 5 a.m. and all that shit. I know how much I had cried myself to sleep, because, we had no time for each other. Not that we have any now either. Yes, I do wish, that I had pushed myself harder, and instead of 6 months, given myself a little bit more time in the Mumbai office of the firm. And then, of course, I stumbled and fell at each step, trying figure out where the hell am I going. I changed 3 jobs in 3 years of being in Mumbai. I hated myself for doing this to my career, but, I had to think about everything. Put perspective to the familial life as well as the career that I was trying to build. I remember, the very first interview that I had given after moving to Mumbai was with one of the top law firms. The only reason that I did not get a call back was because I was wearing a choora and I was a newly wed. Yes, it works against the women. 

Nevertheless, I have paid the price of being the not so driven/ passionate lawyer, I am behind by 3 years from all my contemporaries, and, it is almost like I have re- started. I am now a part of the firm which is new, and therefore, a little eased out. But, I am getting to learn a lot more than what I would have had I been in a bigger firm. I may not be overtly ambitious, but the deal with me is that, as I lawyer, I should be learning the correct things applying them for the betterment of my clients. Who wouldn't want more money. But, am I willing to sacrifice my family life for my career, I don't know. I don't know, if I would be able to always just work, and never be around the people for whom I am earning. What is the point then? So, does that make me less ambitious? Or less of a hard worker? Or less driven? I think so. 

In this whole deal of ensuring family doesn't suffer because of work, I have, I think managed to make a mess of both the things. My career and the family. I am turning 30 in about 3 months from today, and I have nothing to my credit. 

But, I have been nothing, but an average, even as a failure, just that. I don't know how to better it.