Time runs..

This weekend was  spent in Delhi. My home. With the parents and the sister and the super best friend.
The last four days were a whirlwind. And even though I did not call or checked in anywhere because I did not want to announce that I was in Delhi, I felt that the time just vanished somewhere.

This time more than ever, I realised that things were just as I had left them. Yeah, the dry cleaners shop has been renovated and so has the best friends house. But this time, it was mostly about sleeping and chilling the way I used to before shaadi.

There was a paath followed by langar in the colony gurudwara for my birthday. This happens every year. I stayed over at the best friends house and bitched all night long about everything under the sun. Something that we almost always did and still do over the phone. I had almost all my meals at home, with my grandmother checking on to me in the morning to wake me up. Something that was always the ritual. Every morning for as long as I remember, dot at 8 am on a weekday and at 9 am on a weekend, she barges on our room and tells us.. It's time to wake up. More so on the weekdays, because it's office for me. I mean had it not been for her, I would never reach office on time.

My mom gossiping with me.. Trying to fix the kitties and the school stories. Dad, talking about the court, about work and in general making sure that I do the work that I am supposed to.
All seemed like it was the way it has always been. I still called the husband at night from the bathroom. But, nothing was same and all had changed.

One time yesterday, I was on mom and dad's bed, sitting in between them, and sister standing next to dad leaning on his knee, and arguing with mom, while I am fiddling with me phone, and adding the fuel to fire in the argument that mom and sister are having. My dad was smiling away to glory and remarking, this feels so nice. And almost at that instant, I felt that nothing has changed and we are still in 2012.
But all has changed.

Time is running it's course and I am almost married for a year.

My homecoming is an event and even though I love the fact that mom and dad and everyone else makes or tries to make time for me, I can't wish being jealous of friends who have both their families in the same city. I need to learn to  balance. But, I don't know how to. Or like the husband would say, that I don't want to.

Seriously, the farewell every time is with a lump in a throat and the bitter sweet knowledge of the fact that,  while I leave parents, sister and a life behind. I also have the husband waiting on the other side to hold me in his arms as I mope because I am back.

25 on 25th- We would have partied all night!

You know that right?
Even if we did not party on any other Birthday, yours was always a party. Considering the next day was a holiday irrespective of the week of the day it may be!

It would have been a big deal. Tuning 25, of legally drinking age. Yup, if nothing else we would have sat in that room. Our room, gotten drunk out of our wits and still manage to get up in the morning to catch the Republic Day Parade.
You could have been anything now.
A computer whiz, a doctor- But even if you were already married or just taking care of your own self- I would not have minded.
I mind the fact that you are not here.
That, irrespective of anything, I would have made sure that we celebrate your 25th in style.

But, now, there is nothing- Just a void.

I just hope that wherever you are, in the Heaven that you have created, that they do your 25th in all your style.
Here, I am gonna miss you.. and still wish in my heart that you were here!

Happy Birthday, darling!  

The Crazy world of MARKS!

Where the hell is the world heading to?

The 12^th Class result was declared yesterday. Those of us who have been and brought up here in India under the Indian education system are well aware of the fact, that how important is it to get a GOOD score in class 12^th. Or as more often put by the teachers and parents- "Your future depends on it."

Yes, I agree that our future depends on our school result, because from there we start our journey to choosing our colleges etc.! But HELLO- the amount of pressure.. the value of marks? All has gone down the dumps.

My younger sister too got her results today. She is scored a 94%. I scored what a 70%.. she is still very unhappy because- this may mean not a good college in Delhi University!

Now- the college admissions are divided into two categories here-

One- is your professional courses, like engineering, medicine law etc, wherein you give their entrance examination and clear the same and require a minimum of 65% in your 12^th Class boards to get admission.

Second- Is getting admission in Delhi University, where you need SUPER scores to get into a great college. Delhi University is divided into two campuses- The north campus, that houses the colleges like St. Stephens, Hindu, SRCC etc and the South Campus, which has maximum number of girls college, top most being Lady Sri Ram College and College of Jesus and mary along with some top notch colleges like Sri Venkateshwara college.

And to get admitted in these elite institutions you have to have a score which is above 90%. A 90% makes sure that you get into a decent college in Delhi University. You can forget about the premiere institutes, unless you decide to go for a course that is your secondary choice or tertiary choice… but a 90 + means that you may get a good college and MAY get the course of your choice and a 95% + makes sure that you have the world at your feet.

And trust me, there are kids who get, those many marks and there are loads and loads of kids, whose plans get altered because of .1% difference in marks.


 
There was a time when a 75% marks and a distinction meant a world. People valued marks and more importantly the university meant having fun in college. College did not mean such tough decisions on life.

I went through the same thing. As a matter of fact, I nicely fucked up the 'future making' years. Do I regret it? Yes, I used to. Today, well, there are times that I look back and give a 'what if' situation to myself.. but then you get what you deserve and nothing can change that!

My poor younger sister is very very distraught right now. The number of students in the 90+ bracket, is almost the double of what there were last year, and we all are very worried, mainly because, knowing her- She is VERY determined to do what she WANTS and nothing in this world can really take that away from her. No one has dared to any ways, but today, she knows that it is not the parents, the school or the friends who she has to deal with, but the crazy real world. And crazy realty of life!

I really hope for her sake and for all the hard- work that she has sincerely put in that- Her dreams come true!

You would have been 23,

an age you were waiting for. I know, nothing in particular- But I am sure that, you would have been all responsible and a working woman. We would have probably boozed all night and laughed like hyenas. It would have been like old times... or would it?

I don't know what life would have been had you still been here. But, from where you are- You can see what life is Now, when you are not here. I have missed you.. and I still miss you. Its your day today, and we used to always supremely happy on this day. It was always a holiday the next day.

So, for you on your Birthday- I wish that you are happy where ever you are. And for me, like a dear friend said- You are watching over me, so, all I am going to promise is- That- I am going to be happy for you and for me.

Happy Birthday- Mini. You know you are terribly missed.

There is a Zebra in my Room..!!!

Alright- I know that I have not been a good girl about updating my blog. But, every time I open this page the only thing that I feel like doing is ranting, and being sad about the coming few weeks.

Yeah, when the boyfriend is leaving, the mood swings are bound to happen. And, I am going to try really hard not to be sad about him leaving.

So anyways- did I mention that me bunking college has pretty backfired on me. And that, I am actually on ultimatums from the college, therefore I have to give the presentations and give all the pre- university exams (which are not compulsory otherwise). So, I have been actually trying to go to the college.

Apart from the chaos in my college/professional life,

Life @ home has been turbulent too-

My mom had been after our lives to sort out our stuff so that we can get some painting done in the house, and guess what- she succeeded...!!!

Yeah- so, my room has a new colour, or rather colours- It is basically bright yellow with bright orange giving it some company.

One of the walls has gone designer- and is painted in orange and yellow stripes- even though it looks like that the zebra has played holi- it has just brightened the entire aura of the room. The stripes, I dunno, I feel like are an omen. They it seems represent order in chaos- That my life is.

This seems like the general update on my me.

Nothing really special is happening, and to be frank, I have started dreading the thought of being alone at all. I am pretty lonely here, the friends that I really have are far off, and the one that I have here is busy in her life, and even though we meet we try to focus on happy things.

OH GOD- I feel so used right now.

In every possible ways-

I feel like, I am there for everyone, and when I need everyone around me, everyone is busy in their lives.

Be it friends, boyfriend or just about anybody.

I have the MOST fucked up relationship with my parents- you know the sorts in which they think that they know their child and in the end they realize that the time to really bond is over. Yeah, we have our moments but I can never be their younger daughter. I am not perfect you see.

There is this hateful sister factor in it also- Doing everything an elder sister does, keeping her eyes and ear open, you know making her case in front of the parents, sorting out all her fights, but in the end- All I have been getting is major attitude- Not even a proper thanks.

You know once in a while it is good to hear something nice from your parents.

I hate being the butt of almost all jokes that are cracked around me, and about me.

Right now- This instant- I can almost feel the anger pounding in my head and on the subconscious level I know, this is a rant post- But I can't help it.

Sorry.

It is OK to be selfish. At times.

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Shayon bought himself a new url so you can read his pearls of wisdom here, from now on.

I Miss you, even though I do not Say it often...

... Because every time I think of the 17 years that we spent together.. make me cry.

No, sweetie- just because- I do not think of you or talk about... or avoid talking about.. doesn't mean that you are not a part of my life... 

The 17 years.. the growing up years- the memories... they will never fade. 

I often dream about you. Dream about a life that would have been, had you been around. It still jolts me when I realise that you are long gone, leaving a void in my life that no one can ever fill. No amount of close friends... best friends...

One the last letters that I have of you- says- That- 'I wonder, how am I ever going to fall in love with a guy... the way you love me ... no one can ever do it...' 

Same to back to you... even though I have a long list of crushes and guys... and now a boyfriend... no one can fill that void. You know why? because- maybe my boyfriend can hurt me... but you I know would have never hurt me or never let anyone hurt me.

In time the pain may become bearable- but today ... now- Its not. Its squeezing my heart... and making me cry. I miss you.

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For all those who don't know- This post is for my soul mate, my friend and my first cousin who committed suicide 5 years back under depression. She was just 17. And, on 22nd May 2004 she died. She was my better half. Even though we were born of different mothers, we were bought up alike. I hope that she is in peace now. 

Sometimes...

You know, sometimes, when I look back into the past, I feel that, I wish that I could alter somethings in my past life... 

But then, I realize- Past is past and I can't change it. What I can really do is make sure that I do not repeat the same mistake again. After all- ' To err is Human... and to forgive is divine',(But this saying is losing its significance everyday... )

I am going to share a story with you all in this post, I have no idea, why am I sharing this, but somehow I felt that- I need to.

Once there was a girl. Very average looking and equally average in all the spheres. She was neither good in studies, nor really great at sports, arts or anything of that sorts. Then, when she started school, she thought that maybe, being in a 'group' would help her find her identity in school. But, because she was so average she did not fit in. 

Then she thought, ok, I do not fit in, but I can try to be like them... or like the others. All through her school life, she tried to be like the others so that she can be friends with them. But she never could find true friends. Later in college, she again tried to be friends. But, she was snubbed. Because- she was snobbish for all. Always craving attention. Again she found no true friends.

But- On facebook and on orkut- She found her classmates back, from those school days, when she was trying to fit in. They all became friends. But not really friends. Years, had passed by. And I saw, the groups that she was yearning to be a part off, were broken. Because, she realised, that they all were a group for the heck of it. Not really true friends. The test of time... and something as small as shuffling of sections could not hold them together. 

Today, she knows, that even though they are on each other's friends list... they are no more friends. Because, friends, are friends, not because of convenience but because... they care.

And that girl, till date- Doesn't have a 'group' doesn't really have friends . Just one best friend. That best friend has group and she is jealous. But then again. She is very average... and she doesn't really fit in. She is always a 'tag along' because- no group of friends means no plans... no parties. But, then... she doesn't really fit in.

As she sits and thinks about this- she realises, that, its not that she doesn't fit in... but its because, she was never accepted as herself . She thinks, I am glad that I did not change for any one and I am me. And she thinks, that,  God's blessings are the friends that accept you the way you are. Those are the friends that are tough to find... 

She prays- That all the people in the world who have these set of true friends- always remember- That even though they are not the same... they are together because- They love each other and care for each other... and not because they want to fit in. These are friends who stay on for life...

God bless them.

You know, why I shared this story... because- Its my story. I do not have the group of friends... I have never really fit in. Despite the fact that I get jealous... of all of them who have a life outside of being friend... and in that life I am not included... I feel happy- because- I am not pretending anymore. And I pray- That, the group of friends that I know, remain friends forever... because they care and not because it was friendship of convenience. 

DAMAGE CONTROL...!!!! No ways... dudes you are way off...

Being a teenager- That too a girl... wow MIND BOGGLING experience.
oh Yeah- Being in India/Delhi is worse.

 Welcome to the world of my Khaandaan...

My poor sister is finally realising that life sucks... and that too beyond control. Especially, now that her boards are over and all she wants to do is freak out. But unfortunately for her privileged life.. she is in THE age.. .. from where, there is nothing much other than frustration.

Loads of my previous posts talk about that very frustrations... where my parents being all so cool otherwise start acting like super orthodox when it comes down to The social Life.

In my Case- There was no social life earlier... now that I have one... its becoming tough for them to accept that their demented 'non-fitting' daughter can have a social life too... but in case of my younger sister- 'The Star' , life was all rosy till she met with with lots and lots of no's from my parents...

Though I shouldn't be saying this, the fault bearing party is as much as my parents as my younger sister... She has always been given permission or rather there was no system of permission ... it was always- 'I have to do this, I am sure you all are ok with this... thus I am doing it'. Today, rather about an hour back... she was refused to go for an outing with her school friend... and boom she comes to me and tells me ' That why shouldn't have a sour face'. This sour face has been on... from the past week... because... none of the plans that she had made as per her schedule seem to work out....

Someone, should please tell her that- When you have to depend on other people for work... then you have to be flexible.. unless.. you have planned out everything to the last detail well in advance...

And anything that goes out of her control as far her schedules are concerned... she becomes the sourest person known on earth... and trust me that... her temperament is something that I CANT DEAL with anymore...

 Jesus- The world around me has gone mad...and as if this was NOT enough.. I still have to face the Monster oops- Shayon's Mom Tomorrow...!!!!!!!!!!

Like I say- Gods, Please Be Kind...!!!

Being Fair...Or Unfair??

Its often said that parents live their dreams through their children. I am sure all of you who have seen Kabhi Alvida Na kehna, remember SRK trying to make his son a football player when all he wanted to do was to learn music... I myself have been made the brunt of the maternal expectations... what with the 'learn the classical dance... my father did not let me do it...' or 'why shouldn't you be studying here... or studying that much...'

Well, things changed.. when my younger sister was born...times had changed... and till date I do not see any pressures on her... she like all of em say, has a mind of her own.

She is seven years younger to me.

Even though, I hate her guts.. and still do... I love her alot.

And off late I have been noticing a tendency of me being.. more like the parent to her... I have been pushing her to do things that I missed when I was her age... 

I know what I am doing is not fair... and I need to pull my act together... 

How can I live my good ol teenage through my sister....???