FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

To the Moon and Back!!

No, I am not going for a trip to the Moon.
I am of course tripping today.. Because it is the Husband's Birthday!

And not just any Birthday.. has officially entered the big 30 club. (Though I have no idea, why the hell is it called a club in the first place!)

So, yeah, since my man has turned thirty, and since, I believe in a lot of DIY (from god knows when!), I actually did a lot of projects!
From a video movie (Husband called me the "I Movie Ninja") which was messages from a lot of people (the family and friends) and a clock that I customised (by painting it and putting graphics on it) and I also customised a coin box for him!
There is a string of photographs lining the wall of my room, showing the moments of his life and people who have been a part of his life.

And, the thing that he loved the best was the "Jar of Memories", which was basically a mason jar containing messages from some people and loads of memories from his past. Trigger words, that would cause him to smile and think back to the good old times.

I have never been more satisfied with the gifts that I have done for the Husband.

So, my dear dear husband, here is to,  a new decade, to a new milestone, to success, happiness, love, laughter, wanderlust and US!!
Happy Birthday!!! 

Throw Back Thursday (#TBT)

For some very weird reason, Thursday's have been christened as #TBT .. meaning throw back Thursday.. meaning it is the day on which you browse through memories and then put a post about, how time has flown!

I do not need a particular day to become nostalgic about the time gone by. I on the contrary, hardly seem to be wanting to go back into the time gone by.. mostly the good times.

In all those good times and fond memories, I think the best times were spent writing blog posts, and then having discussions on those blog posts. I had started writing in 2005 to impress the husband (then the boyfriend). I could not ( or so I believed ) write. I could not articulate my words to forth the feelings. I am not a very good writer and I am grammatically wrong so many times; and I make numerous errors (spellings etc) but this space has become akin to my sacred space of being me. In 2007, when I grudgingly moved from Yahoo (I think) to Blogger, I was totally terrified. This was a much bigger platform, and I used to write to impress.
But, then, something just kept me pushing. Then slowly, I don't know when and I absolutely don't know how, comments started trickling in and as an unsaid rule of the blog world, I started visiting other blogs, and the THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!
I made friends through the blog-o-sphere!
I was a part of the lives of people, who were experiencing things similar- dissimilar- something .. they were experiencing true raw human emotions and they were writing about it, and making me a part of it.

But then somewhere along the lines, sabbaticals, bad elements and the usual busy life styles just put a stop to the whole thing. I was writing sporadically, reading rarely, and not commenting at all. But somehow through the on and off relationship with the blog, I also found a dear friend in Kashvi, who, has been my friend. We haven't talked in a while.. but I know that she loves me and her comment about me being back said it all.
And then, there is Uncle Jack, with his life experiences, who keeps in touch by phone :) He even made it to my marriage and did a whole post on it!
There is Su and Vagabound, who are on FB and I keep getting their life updates from there, but, I found them here.
And there is Bikram, who is still quite regular on my blog!!

But today, what made my day was RoopScoop! [I can't still get over that Pari is 4 years old!!] Roop and I have never exchanged e-mails, and all I did was follow her blog - Regularly. I love her writing (I especially loved a piece that she had written about how she went into labour pains and the events thereafter!) . She has come back after a huge sabbatical, and she leaves a usual message about how she has started afresh at a new page, and I go there and put a comment welcoming her back.. and her reply left a lump in my throat. She wrote that she left that message of moving her blog keeping me in mind.. and that.. just made my day.

It took me back in time. Took me back 8 years and 600 posts back, reminding me that all those memories that I have made.. have not gone in waste.. and that there are truly such amazing people still here.. to hold on to!
Thank you..

And Roop.. WELCOME BACK!!! 

Lessons in Self Doubt

When you are unwell and in bed the whole day, the most productive thing that you can do is either sleep or watch TV.
The curse of our generation is that we also have facebook/ twitter/ youtube and access to unlimited sources of entertainment. And, therefore, I ended up watching an ENTIRE season of a show called "The Newsroom". And well, when you watch these shows, they affect you in a way that.. okay maybe not you but they definitely have some sort of an effect on me.
I pine to be able to be the hero in my own story. A success story.
A story where you just hit the right notes at the right time. Meet a right person, say the right things and then land up in a place that actually reveals to you, your own true character and helps you create a path that you may not have chosen for yourself, but your destiny did help you find it.

Reality on the other hand is a different deal altogether. There is nothing like a dream job. Each one has some flaws in it. There are jobs that question your moral character, then there are jobs that question your financial stability and then there are jobs that question your familial stability. Hell, I am almost 29 and I do NOT have a job, that satisfy my moral compass, nor is it satisfying my financial compass, and while these two are unsatisfactory in nature, by  the laws of whatever the fuck it is that you want to call it; I am simply not heading a happy household either.

I am easy to push around, hell, yeah, my maid pushes me around like hell! I get lectured by her as to why I should and should not pay my other maid. There, all the respect is out of the window. I also get pushed around a lot by others. I get angry at things that I feel are wrong, or simple things like, why should I keep taking the first steps towards the relationship maintenance amongst relatives.. the only answer I get is, that someone has to.
There are things that I am getting to know now, there are truths.. okay more like family stories that I feel I should not have been told. Things are changing after marriage, and I am unable to grasp at things. I am ill equipped to make informed decisions or any other decisions for that matter, and all that I end up doing is putting up a thing before the review committee .. my Husband mostly.

I don't know, from where do people find their own depths, to questions their decisions and to evaluate their consequences and above all to take that first step to change it all. Hell, I don't even know where my life is heading. If at all it is heading somewhere, and I am feeling stuck. There is no new adventure that awaits me each morning .. yeah unless you count catching a bus at 7.30 am 6 days a week or the local train for that matter. I don't feel motivated to wake up next day, all charged up to go do a days worth of work and at the end of the day feel satisfied.

I don't feel that confidence and that strength to take on to my own little world, forget the world at large. I don't know, where to start from. From where to grasp those threads.
I am earnestly looking, for that one opportunity, that will change my life. A positive event, that gives me a chance at my little life, with my Husband. 

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!

This is Marriage.. for you!

After a slew of depressing posts about, how things are after the Shaadi, and how dreams are being bartered, and all of that, I thought, why not write a post reinstating the faith in a relationship called marriage. After all one has to find that glass with water which is half full and all that..

The inspiration for this post came from Su's Tumbling Thoughts to World (it is almost like old times) and so here it goes:

The Husband and I have been married for a little around 2.5 years; and we have been together for more than a decade. But the deal is, being together and dating is a completely different ball game than being married. And, believe me when I tell you that, people change after marriage.

And, I have figured why does this happen, or so I hope (I am just trying to be helpful here).. So once you get married.. the Shit becomes real.

All of a sudden, you become adults and you have to take the decisions that matter and that impact your life. You can't just pick up a pair of shoes at random (unless of course you are uber rich), or for that matter any indulgence just start looking like that: An indulgence.
You are constantly thinking either food or money.
And, if you are not thinking about those two things then you are definitely thinking about the house hold help (trust me, even if you are uber rich, you can't escape this one!!).

All of your decisions have a tangible result, which will either be before you in a short period of time or which will eventually impact you.
So, now think about this:
When you know, and understand and learn with experience that all your actions will have some kind of tangible repercussions, you  grow up.

And, when you grow up, you change.
You start hanging out with a different set of friends, you would probably thinking healthy over binge, and yes, your career choices also get affected.
And trust me, when you are staying with your in laws, then there is a different lifestyle issue that you have to face!
Like it took me a little over 2 years to actually start wearing a swim suit around my FIL. (Yeah that sound weird, but, if I have to go swimming, then I have to wear a swimsuit.. right?? So, not like, I am wearing a bikini and roaming around the house sorts!!). It was quite difficult on family holidays, because Husband would insist and I would always reject his idea.. (and I am all for women power).

You make a hell lot of adjustments .. but at the end of the day, when you crawl into the bed with the one person, your spouse, you realise that it is worth it.
When you hug your spouse, and make love, and you know, that despite the fights, the tantrums and all that jazz, the next morning, that one person is always going to be there for you, despite your ownself, that is the kind of security, a good marriage gives you.

Like Su says, just look for that right thing in your better half (or your worst half) and you are set for life. Like, I know, that despite everything, in the middle of the night, if I wake up, I am on one tiny little corner flanked by the person I love the most, making sure that I don't fall.

This is marriage for you!

Busy Bee

The Husband has been just too busy.

It has been like that for, I don't know how long now. I mean there are days when he will call me at 6 pm and tell me that he is on hi way home, but mostly those are the days, when he is having a back ache or when he has some launch ceremony he knows that he has to watch and being in office will interfere with his watching of the event. 

The irony of the entire thing is that he is super happy being busy; and that sort of leaves me out in the whole deal. 

I do remember the glass of wine that we had together (it was last night only!), but then I was busy getting things ready for the office next day, and Husband was on his phone/ laptop/ or was that the Ipad.. (see, I did not even notice); and the only thing that we ended up talking about was who would be eliminated in the Master Chef Australia episode. 

Where is the time to talk? 

I sort of devised a plan and I usually write e-mails to the Husband during the day or probably talk to him trough messages.. but that is not really an alternative, because he is so so busy in office, it is often hours and hours before he replies to either a mail or a message. And by that time, the whole purpose of that mail or the message is gone. 

I don't remember the last time we talked talked, because mostly when we talk talk, then it erupts into a fight. It seems that we are mostly fighting. 

Maybe that is the reasons why we are avoiding the talking talking!

A little TLC goes a long long way in a relationship and I miss being the centre of his attention.. it is so divided that it is not even funny!  

Edited to add: I opened FB only to find that his cover photo been changed into a picture taken at his office with his office mates. Giving him the benefit is the fact that he is actually looking really nice and happy in the picture!