The World in 2016: Year End Saga (III)

The Government's deadline for the 50 days is coming to a close and while there are lines everywhere (yet again), the light at the end of the long tunnel is neither visible nor seems any bit closer. Today, while India coped with the ordinance that makes keeping of the old notes a criminal offence, the world in general is coping with the loss of two great artists- George Micheal and Carrie Fischer. 

2016 has been in general a year that has defied all logic, in all possible spheres of life, and not just here in India but all over the world. 

It has been a bad year. From Mohammad Ali to Fidel Castro to David Bowie to Carrie Fischer, some of the deaths had been in the offing, while others were just plain shocks. The New York Times says 

"The year 2016 saw the deaths of an unusually long list of political titans and sports icons, famous musicians and Hollywood greats"

On the other hand, as the whole world looked at America, the Americans (who call themselves progressive) proved otherwise and elected a business man, without any experience whatsoever, as their president. The world is still reeling under shock, and all they are hoping for is that the choice of Americans is right. The worst thing though in this election was the amount of interest and opinions that Indians had, on two presidential candidates, in a electoral system that they have no idea about.

Talking about opinions, 2016 has been a year of "trolls" and a lot of opinions. With each decision of the government creating ripples across the country, and affecting everybody without sparing the rod, the year saw too much of news, about the same issue, with no real concrete basis in the allegations. From the GPS tracker in the 2000 rupee note to why the PM is the best, and no one has any right to say anything against him, there were half baked, full baked and what not kind of opinions floating around all over social media.

Women of the world were aggressive about being heard, and while we had the bhoomata brigade fighting for gender equality in religious institutions, we also had the likes of Deepika and Priyanka taking over the international film/TV industry.

Another thing that had me cringing throughout the year was amount of cruelty that was being advertised on my timeline. The number of dog abuse and abandonment posts and news reports broke my heart several times and it made me wonder if we have shed whatever little was left of the humanity that we had?

As I write this, the news reports say that the PM will address the nation on 31st December, 2016, and I can only hope that he says things that benefit us, and not inconvenience us, again. His speeches have become like dictatorial orders creating panic.

All I hope is that when the new dawn in 2017 arrives, the world is filled with hope and happiness. I for one can't wait for 2016 to get over.

The Road to Self Discovery and Self Destruction: The Year End Saga (II)

I have been nothing sort of angry this year.

Ask the husband and he shall be happy to provide the proof.

The worst part of the whole me being angry thing is that I have no clue as to why am I angry. Okay, so not really. I know that there are various reasons why I am angry, upset and/or orritated almost all the time. But, what I don't know is, why am I heeding to the negativity of these things, and why can't I look beyond the obvious. Why can't I be a better person?

And guess what, that question right there, flares me up. It just fucks with my mind, because, ain't I a better person? No one is perfect, and neither am I.
But- am I not a better person already? I forgive, even when people walk all over me. I try to make everyone happy. I try to do everyone's bidding, and in all that, what I expect is truth, sincerity and love from those very people, I become the "not so better person" and then, this loop of "maybe I should be a better person" starts! And I get angry.

Then there is this whole baby issue, which is very intricately connected with a few other things that I can't really talk about here, but that also hits a raw nerve now and then, and then I am angry. Because, try as hard as I can, to curb the nonsensical thoughts that keep me on my toes, I just can't. I get anxious, because I don't get any answers, and then all I can think about is, how, our life is off track (till I read, some or the motivating memes/stories on facebook). The whole circle that it takes quite overwhelming and emotionally quite draining, and that makes me angry. And because this whole thing runs in my head, and spirals out of control, when I talk about it, I get angry because there is NO ONE who wants to understand me or guide me, or for that matter even sit and talk to me. So me struggling alone with the burden of this whole thing seems unfair. And thus I am angry.

I am angry generally at the world and at life, because things are just not falling in place. The amount of hiccups that have happened over the course of this year are enormous, and I can't seem to wrap my head around them. I have been so stressed this whole year, about something or the other, and that shows. In my general attitude, in the amount of effort that takes to infuse the happiness in me and the smile that stopped reaching the eyes long ago.

I know that I have issues. And that is something that I have agreed to, and have accepted. I also know that I need to work on all those things. But, I just keep wondering over and over again- Why am I so wrong? Do, only I have to really improve upon things?

As a gamut of emotions wash over me everytime I question myself, I feel more lost than ever.

And this year, I have been leading myself into a discovery to destruction pattern, over and over again, and I see no end in sight. Do I want to be less angry- Yes. Do I want be happier- Yes. However- Do I have to undertake this journey all by myself? Oh well, I don't know that! 

The "Demonitized" Winter: Year End Saga (I)

As the political will of a meglomaniac ruler of the largest democracy in the world unleashes the horror of worthless currency, and we are trying to make ends meet on the chillar that we have in our pockets.. the Winter has set in.

The last month of a very weird year is here and I have absolutely no clue as to how to react to this year end.

November this year marked the completion of 1 year since we have moved to Delhi, and things in the last year have changed drastically. Like, losing my grandmother, and the BFF having the cutest baby boy ever, and several of my girlfriends either getting pregnant or having babies.
Husband's friends too, having babies. We actually went to a baby function in Bangalore!

I had a lot more personal anguish this year, and while I have had several ideas to diffuse this anguish, my powers of procastination have over shadowed all the attempts that I had intended to undertake. I do want to break the mould in the coming year, I just don't how, as yet.

We travelled much less than what we would have liked to, but I cooked my heart out this year. Like really cook.

I think that I am batteling a weird mental state, where, I can't seem to go beyond the gloom and even when I am happy, I feel irritated. This is a new kind of me that I seem to be discovering this year. Ask the Husband and he would say that I have always been like this.

In just about 15 days the year will change, and I wonder, if the patterns will ever break? 

Dear Zindagi

Gauri Shinde is a genius.

When she re-launched Sridevi in "English Vinglish", she took the industry and the viewers by storm. The movie had only Sridevi as a "star", who was doing this movie as a comeback. Apart from that, there were the character actors, and a foreign star or two. But the movie was backed by powerful performances by all the actors but most of all it was backed by a solid story and great direction.

The story was so relevant. The dilema of a woman who is constantly battling with her battered confidence because of her lack of education/knowing english, it hits hard even to women who are educated, but decide to give up their careers for families! While that story was all about empowering the woman in you, Dear Zindagi hits a chord which no one is willing to discuss.

The story of DZ is about a girl, who is always angry, except when she is with her core group. She angry at the boys that she is dating, and she is angry at her parents. She hears about the "Brain Doctor" (BD) from a friend, who says that he needed to go see him not because he had to come out of the closet but because he needed to accept himself being gay.
The story then follows the journey of our protaganist with her therapist and the various bits of advisory that he gives her. And, while in our world of too much knowldege and opinions (and because I know that there is a psycologist/therapist, who follows this blog), there are people who are saying that "therapy does not work this way", all I have to say is that it is a movie and they disclaimed that it is a work of fiction and that they are not endorsing any medical advise. And from my limited knowledge I think the common thing is that- there is no definition of psycology and that each patient that a counsellor/therapist interacts with gives them a new insight, because we all are inherently different.
So that aside, in the movie we find that our protagisnist Kaira, has abandonment issues because of an incident etched in her mind and that is becoming a vicious circle for her. We see how in the sessions, our therapist Dr. Jehangir "Jug" Khan, pulls out a lot of wisdom, and helps her cope.

While the movie deals with only one of the major aspects of our lives "abandonment issues", I feel that it encourages the likes of us (the new age, always running) people to stop and evaluate our lives, to really think about things that matter and to let go.
And yes it does touch upon the chord of mind illnesses being a tabboo in our society and how it is time to really embrace our pshycological needs as a part of our health issues. In an interview that I read of Gauri Shinde, she empahsises on the fact that it is important to recogonize the fact that sometimes we are not okay. That we are emotionally drained and that too should be recogonized as a legit reason to stay home,

For someone like me, who does believe in power of therapy, because I have been through it, this movie really did tug my heart strings. It was not preachy, just practical. Alia Bhatt and SRK have given great performances, and if you really go with an open heart and an open mind you will come out with a lot of points to ponder, and some that you may want to really inculcate in your daily life!

So, go see this movie for a refereshing break from the usual cinema that you watch and for some life changing lessons, that you may like!

As the Season marks change!

Fall is finally approaching.
And with the way the weather is looking, winters are gonna be long and hard this time.

The best thing about being here in Delhi is that one can actually sense a change in the weather, and can feel the nip in the air, when one steps out in evenings. A general sense of happiness is slowly descending on the city, along with unbearable traffic!

With the change in weather, there is a change in our lives too.

A sudden action by a complete third party, had put us in a precarious position, and we had been struggling with the weight of certain decisions that had to be taken. And, today, all of a sudden, there is clarity, and concrete decisions have been taken.
And, now, life is going to change.

And this time round, when we were to take our decisions, we sought a lot of wise counsel, and I personally am very thankful to all the people, who have helped us out. Who have given their genuine opinions, and have also given us their valuable time by answering questions.

There is a sea of change that this Diwali is bringing for us.

And for the festival season, I hope and pray, that you all, my readers are graced with love, properity, happiness and contentment.

Happy Diwali!

When You are 30

In your growing up years, you realise that there are challenges everyday.
Every single day during the school days was comprised of, why is it necessary for me to sit and study academic books over and above the novels that I loved.
And in later years, it was always about the pressures of the high school, while I saw my sister sailing through it all (schooling system changed, and I was the first born, hence, experiment baby, and to give her some credit, she was better than me).

In class 12th, the sole aim of life was to ensure that, I somehow meet some sort of expectations of my parents, and through my college years, I breezed through academics (because I realised that I can actually enjoy studying), however, at that point in time, I had the boyfriend and how to ensure that I have enough money to keep on have recharges in my phone to get to talk to him. Other troubling aspects included my dance class promotions, fending off marrige proposals and wondering how in the world will I end up getting a job.

World was intact when I passed law; when I told my parents about the boyfriend/husband, and I got a job, which converted into firm practice. By the time I hit my quarter life mark, I thought that things were under control. I was this over-excited, ready to please the world, and eager to move forward in career phase. The marriage did sort of spin things out of control, and the expectations of "OMG, you have to be responsible for the husband and father in law" were gifted along with the entire band, baaja, baraat. I thought that I would be able to pull this. I knew the husband for a long time, and we had battled the odds in our relationship and whatever the worls had to say, love is enough. Our first fight happened, less than a month of being married. It was a bad fight, and it broke my heart. It also made me realise that 24x7 vs a weekend here and there are different things all together. And, for two years and 3 months, I shut out the "responsibility" part. I did, only as much as I could, and as much as I wanted to (to keep my own guilt at bay). It was still a lot of roses and less of thorns. Till, we had to move from the "sarkari" to the "bhada" circle. All of a sudden there was rent to be paid, and an FIL, who had too much time on his hands (though to give him credit, he steps back when he realises that husband and I are talking angry code words).
But that was in Mumbai and it was for 1 year only!

Today, we are here. It is going to be a year in Delhi, and I turned 30. And several people (older, contemporaries) have been commenting "ha", what is age? Just a number! I too was like, so what, I am just 30. It is the new 20ies! But, then, I guess life has a plan. And for all those years, that I have shied away and shirked away from responsibility, 30 seems to be the right kind of age.
Life decided, that enough. You need to start being an Adult. And no, earning money, and paying your taxes doesn't count. So, all of a sudden, there comes a curve ball and the last 3 (three) weeks, all I (okay, we) have been doing is going from one stress to the other, one crises to the other. Just when, we got one part of our affairs in order, wham, came one blow. The moment that got somewhat sorted, wham came another.
To add to that, all of a sudden, I have too much work on my desk (which is the BEST thing), but I can feel the burn-out. I can feel like life is looking at me.
I can feel that it is waiting. To pounce.

How does, 30 become such an "age" issue? Because, between 25-29, it is about getting married. Somehow, marriage is not such a big deal. But now, all of a sudden, all (okay, almost all) of our friends have babies. People who got married as late as 2 years after us have kids and, we obviously have none (Sugar, is of course an exception), and it is weird. My BFF has a small lil prince, and while I love him to the core, it becomes weird, because parents are parents, and even though they are cool, all of a sudden, they have responsibilities and priorties that go much beyond partying and other social engagements. Even as a BFF, you become secondary. Since you don't have a baby, you are expected to visit, and keep batting questions about your own plans. While you bat those questions with other questions or the usual "hmmm", your mind goes to the biological clock that is ticking, and your doctor and your mom's voice in the head. You know things have gone over and above, when your FIL tells you that it is high time that we plan, and you smile at him, and tell him that you can't do it alone, laugh it off and move on.
You are left to question every little action of yours, cringe at the thought of reaching out to certain people because you are snubbed, or told that you are inconsiderate. You think about several other things including about the "Me" times and the "Us" times, You go to the Durga Puja and when you try celeberating with your parents, you realise that they wont, or realise that the husband still can't have a comfortable equation with people who you are close to, and that you will forever be answering the questions about the "husband, who won't socialize" and the one who still can't buy a gift.

This turning 30 business, is not turning out to be pleasant. But one can hope? right?

Have you ever..

Sat and wondered, 

about how life is, and why, 

you are doing what you are, and,

why you are not doing, what thy neighbours are. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why it feels like life is a roller coaster, 

when you hate the thought of getting on one, 

in the most loved theme park? 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about why you believe, and why, 

despite it all, you have the faith? or, 

why in that Harry Potter series, 

it was only love which prevailed, and

why in real life, only persistence and will, 

will prevail. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why despite your best intentions, 

everything fucks up, 

and why, just, OH LORD why, 

things never work in your favour. 

Have you ever sat, wondered and questioned, 

the beliefs that you felt were instilled, 

not by your family or friends, but,

by the self help book, which claimed, 

that the universe has it ways, and if you really, 

really want it, it will come your way. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about, why are you always in a conflict, 

about why, you want your cake, and eat it too, 

about being jealous of people who seem to have it all, 

while you are still struggling, 

travelling 30 kms in one haul.

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

when you were told about being "lucked out", 

why is it that you are always out of luck, 

and even though you know that, 

there are ones in situations worse than you, 

you can't empatise, and still wallow about you! 

Have you ever sat, wondered, and hoped, 

that things will be set right, 

and life as we had dreamed, will, 

finally be realised, 

and all, will be okay. 

One can after all, sit, wonder, and hope against hope!

****

Have you ever sat and wondered...about why it is home that you always want to come back to,about how it is that kiss at the start of the day that lifts you up.about how that one tight embrace at the end of the nights makes everything feel worth it,about despite all the despair, it is only the love that helps you conquer it all?Have you ever sat and wondered, that you've probably lucked out on love.Love, that prevails.