My mom screams at me so much, about me having so many guy friends... and that my sister having her group of girlie friends...

I mean, I love to have guys as my friends and all... and I have a BESTEST friend Priyam.

But then there are times that I miss having loads of girl friends.... one of that time was last night. We had gone to a Sangeet ceremony and there the Bride and her friends and all performed for the sangeet ceremony...

And, being the kind of girl who loves to dance and perform on all these functions... (I put up a lil show for my Cousin's Engagement, dad's birthday... ) I was trying to count how many of the 'girl' friends that I have would put up something so nice for my wedding...!!! (Not, that its happening any time soon...!!!)... 

Confession of a Simple Girl... I really would love to have nice performances... not only on the Sangeet Ceremony but also on my wedding reception... I hope that my cousins and my younger sister come up with something... else, I'll be putting up a special performance for my own wedding... all by myself...

That would be SAD...!!! 

But, the silver lining is that my sister dear, may just do something... and ofcourse I am gonna dance...

Before I babble more and more about the dream wedding that I want... I should just simply put an end to this silly post...!!!

Can anyone be guilty of being themselves?

May be this is not the right question that I should ask... but well, my dear readers you should decide whether the question posed by me is right or wrong...

And since we are on the whole thing of right and wrong, i'll start by defining right and wrong... In one of the endless sensible talks that I was having with Shayon, I had asked him to define right and wrong to me... he had simply replied ' Beauty lies in the eyes of the Beholder', simply meaning that what might be right for you may not be right for me...!!! 

But, I am just wondering, then why are bought up on the very same concept of 'this is right and that is not'... thus making it very diffucult for me to make decisions about MY LIFE...!!

MY LIFE- another bone of contention between my conscience and myself..... what is the extent of my right... on MY LIFE... since my parents bring me up and all...!!!

Thus whenever I have to make a decision about anything, be it about spending money on eating out... or be it a huge decision relating to my career... the right and the wrong factor.. along with MY LIFE factor comes in tugs in my head. 

I feel that- I shouldn't take a decision that is going to hurt my parents, but does taking a decision that would make my parents happy, make me happy?

You know something as little as the fact that my parents did not let me and my sister go river water rafting because they were scared... still gets me angry at times, because, even though we smiled and said, its ok... we were disappointed in our parents.... because we really wanted to do that... but dint do it.

This was something very little, may be not life altering... but yeah later in life... this scares me. I want to be what I am. But, then here at home, the general atmosphere and the way my parents talk about things I just cant be me. The guilt factor, over powers.... 

Even today I wish that I had put my foot down 6-7 years back when my mom was doing everything to get my school changed and all. I knew in my heart that, I am not gonna be happy, but then, this made my mom happy, and I did it... and consequently ended up taking the wrong subjects, screwing up my boards... and a year in college. ( I know this might be the lamest blaming...)

Ofcourse, my father, after I decided to drop engineering told me that I lacked the decision making powers, and therefore I landed in Law. (Later, now he is proud that am in law...) But, I still wish I could be more strong in pursuing what I like. Being the eldest and therefore (by fluke) the more responsible one, expectations increase...!!!

This was the past.

Now, I am scared for future.

Shayon as you all know is in Delhi. And I want to tell about 'us' to my parents. I know its going to hurt them alot. Big betrayal n all, because I have been dating him for 4 years and sneaking a trip to Mumbai each year for like three years... (even if out of the last three trips he was there for like two of them..), I know there is going to be drama... and my mom might even slap me, but the worst is gonna be when they will say ' Sakshi, we did not expect this out of you'. And then the ' I hurt them, I am a bad daughter'... thing will start.

My father is a practical man... but my mom has temper that is well known by the entire extended family. And I don't want, decision about with whom I want to spend my life with to be forced upon me... I advocate alot to the girls who leave everything and get married coz their parents asked em to. I don't want to be the victim. 

Please give me strength.

My career, having a father in the same profession is a bad thing, especially when you do not want to join him. 

Going to Mumbai for a month for internship is a different ball game and to go join a huge law firm outside Delhi, is going to be a toughie again.

And God only knows what is going to happen... 

I had shed tears when I was leaving Mumbai- because- I was coming back to being a person that I am tired of portraying... the smiles... the laughs and the ' miss goody two shoes'... I am a 22 year old trying to find my way in the big bad world... but how can I do that if I don't know who I am... I feel like Maggie Carpenter from Runaway Bride, who did not even know what kinds of eggs she like...

I don't want to make a joke of my life, I just want to be me... and this is turning out to be a tough job. 

Feeling guilty- of making decision for myself...!!! Now that is called being spineless...!!! 

The odd couple or the Perfect one....

One of the most cliched saying in the world today is

'Opposite attract'

Ofcourse, since this saying has Newton's Magnetic laws behind to support it, the saying also has a scientific backing to it. But, how true is it for the couples really?

(I am not analysing that...!!!, I am just wondering, give me insights on it...!!!)

I was talking to shayon last night, and well, after talking to him and saying Good Night to him, I tossed and turned thinking, that both of us are pretty much opposites of each other... there are a lot of similarities also... one of the best one being that we both love each other.

But, then the differences in our personalities are also there...!!!

And they are getting me worried...!!!

Like fors instance, Shayon really doesnt care about how he is looking and I always maintain that looks don't matter that much, but well, you have to dress well, and not look like a jhalla/jhalli all the time...!!! I am not dressed up either most of the time, but, well, when I have to go out... I want to look nice... Shayon says, he doesn't care- That irks me...alot of times...

Then, there is the 'being healthy' thingy, I am not an excercise freak.... but c'mon, if you have a ponch that makes you look pregnant, you have to do something about it... I mean it takes my mom a lot of pushing to get me to excercise, but there is some self realization that happens to me, when all my stuff looks like Priyam's stuff... but Shayon , sweetie when will the self realization come???

Another thing that I know is that Shyon is not the kinds who likes to go out every week,  socialising with friends... I know I am a freak about that... loving to meet up friends for no reason and for all the reasons.... 

Ok, we can manage that...!!! When it comes to him... I cam sit at home romancing him and not getting tired of him... at all.. ;)

Oh, gosh... this might not be a scary picture... but look at it from my point of view... aren't these those little things that get blown up?

There is a joke, that the guys often say, 

'A girl in the first year takes an effort to change the guy, 

and in the second year, says, you are not the same guy any more...'

I don't know what to do... coz, Shayon has never said no to me if its something that he also does... and I want to do just that. 

I don't know what I want... and I am confused as hell....!!!

(FUCK- I don't even know if I should be putting my scares up here on the blogsphere...!!! JESUS... HELP...!!)

Of late night sisterly chats...

I know I should be killed right now, if nothing more... my exam is day after, and I should be studying instead of posting... but never mind.

Last night, I was up till 2 am.. not talking to Shayon. But talking to my younger sister. The talk started with her demanding a cell phone after 10th grade, and me bveing the usual cynic, telling her that Dad will not give her one.

And, thus, started one of the longest 'talks' that I have had with my sister, EVER.

I am not complainig, rather, I have this weird feeling that I am old. And my seven years younger sister is in her mid- teens, and much more emotiuonally sound than me. 

I think, I have never spelled out how much I hate the discrimination that happens between me and her, to her atleast... and last night, I did that. And, instead of feeling all bad and moody about it... she tells me, that she is not dumb and that she can see what is happening...!!!

(of course, my parents do not admit that there is ever any kind of discrimination, but Arushi and I are not stupid)

We talked last night. I dont know if we got any closer, but yeah, I am relieved that now Arushi knows why I get irritated all the time and why I am sick and tired of being here in my house, and why I get angry seeing her as the 'favourite' child... and my need to just be me...!!!

Btw- Arushi has suggested that to improve relations and communication between my parents and me, especially, now that I yearn to be myself, We should seek help from a counsellor...!!

Any Suggestions??

This is Love for sure...!!!

One of our friends Raj has written a post on the wall mag questioning, whether what he is feeling is love or not...!!!

No, its not an answer to that post, its just simply, my happiness... and me being very proud of Shayon.

I have absolutely no idea about how does it feel to completely leave behind a city, a place, which you have called home for many years....

And especially when you are moving from Mumbai to Delhi.

I know a lot guys who would leave smoking, drinking...and even friends for their loved ones... the same goes for the girls... I know a lot of girls who would anything for their guys...

But, right now, I have fallen in love...all over again with my boyfriend of four years... because he just moved to Delhi from Mumbai.... for me... for US...!!! And I love him so much.... 

Thank you thank you... Thank you alot....

And, lots of thanks to God, for sending someone, who loves me so much... no fancy dinners, no fancy clothes and gifts can match up to this...!!

I Love you...!!!

Of being a Chatter Box...

This blogging thingy has one major side effect,

of late, it is becoming harder and harder to keep things to myself.

Whatever it is, I just have to spill it out.

Even something as silly the fact that- Ms. Footloose and I have started talking over the phone, and we have very parallel lives, that means, there are so many similarities, no wonder we like each other soooooooo much...!!!

No fun being back home???

Home sweet Home...!!!

Is it really, home sweet home.... Its been 48 hours since I have been home, except maybe the whole having the home food thingy.. it has been no real fun.

The most important reason being, ITS SO SO SO COLD....!!!

(And Shayon like an Idiot forgot his Jacket in Mumbai...!!!)

My new found love is- Mumbai Public Transport System.... I mean when I was travelling in Mumbai all by myself, I never complained about anything, be it the auto, the taxi, train or even the fucking bus...!!!

Here, Shayon landed on Friday evening... and since then, I dont think that he has had no good experience with the Delhi and NCR transport system... I am embarrased to the core. And to tell you the truth, there is nothing to be proud off either. Delhi Public Transport SUCKS...!!!

The whole city is gloomy... coz there is no sun...

And well, Shayon and I have not really met... poor guy has been house hunting, trying to travel.

(No, I have not been any help...!!!)

My maid, decided that she has to fall ill, thus she caught herpes...and now, on top of everything else, there is Housework to do...!!! 

Trust me, right now, I really wanna go back n Stay in Mumbai... with Shayon...!!! 

Happy New Year...

I cant believe it, as I am writing this post, Shayon is on his way to board the train to New Delhi. I am leaving tomorrow early morning....

Firstly, it doesn't feel like that its already the next year... and secondly, I am just unable to digest the dream like quality of the reality of Shayon moving to Delhi... my month long internship coming to an end.. and above all, that fact that I am leaving tomorrow morning...

I know I know that I have repeated about how much this month long tryst meant to me... Its just that... I feel like, wow, tomorrow, I will be in my own room, sleeping on my own bed.... with my sister... finally.

In the New Year, 

I am going to weave my dreams with even more vigour...

and make sure that my woven dreams, come out in the fabric of reality...!!!

Happy New Year...