Talk about everything, and talk about nothing.
You know basically talk about nothing. Just general gossip. Something to take my mind off the constant thinking that is just refusing to stop. Even the concious efforts of not thinking have failed.
So there is this constant compulsion to talk, to spend time, and to just make merry. But, alas, it doesn't seem to happening. I am looking at my phone constantly... scrolling through it just trying to find one number that I can call on and talk.. and then feel peaceful within.
but, talking and making merry, makes me feel guilty.
I dunno why, instead of feeling happy, I just feel more sad and more depressed, and then I want to cry. Like yesterday, it was supposed to be like THE happiest day of my life, you know, I graduated, the final fruit of the long five years.. My dad had gotten me cake, and we had also gone out for a nice chinese dinner. And there I realised that I should maybe be nominated for oscars, for acting so well. There was no joy in the celebrations that I was doing. Nothing. Nil. Nada.
Oh, yeah, as if this is not enough, I have my younger sister throwing about attitude on me, as if she is the ONLY person in this whole world who is giving her 12th class boards.
This is totally irritating, and absolute irrational behaviour on my end. Keep me distracted, and I am still ok. Leave me alone, contemplating, and I am ready to burst into tears in an instant. It is like I am denied my drug.
Of course- I am blabbering.
Mental instability you see.
So sorry, please bear with me.
PS: I have not slept in 3 nights. So please ignore my rants.