We lie everyday. Every single day we lie to ourselves and to the people around us. Sometimes it is to save our own skin and at other times it is just for the sake of convenience.
Saving our own skin is mostly the reason when people would like to twist the facts.. and present it in an empathetic manner so that the punishment is not so severe. Like, when the marks in a math paper are poor, its often the paper that is tough and not the effort that is less. In work situations it is even worse, because unlike an exam paper, when one is working, there are so many circumstances that often play into one situation that even if you don't want, you end up twisting the facts to suit your ownself. When this is done by the boss, and all the blam is put on the juniors, the juniors feel that they are being short changed often leading to conflicts at the work place.
I am not condoning the lying and the scheming of the bosses and seniors, but we live in times of greys and not black and white. Sometimes, these twsited facts are the line between you being called a great and not getting a promotion. I would want to believe that each time any one of us decide to twist a fact in our favour we know what we are doing, and hope to God that the repercussions or karma does not come to bite back at us.
And then we twist the facts just for the sake of convenience. I know of an ex colleague of mine who would often tell the boss that "the work is done, but I have asked the Client for some information, and that has yet to come" even though she had not even started on that work. She admitted to this over lunch, and simply substantiated it by saying "You know the boss, right!". She said this to avoid any conferntational situation with the boss in front of the whole office. She claimed that she indeed has asked for some details from the Client and would only start work on the assignment once she receives it.
We do this a lot. We twist the facts, to save our asses and to avoid questions and confrontations. In work situations, it is like controlled nuclear reaction, you would often know what is the worst that can happen and you would accordingly take precautions ASAP, in order keep chaos at bay.
But in personal relatiohips, more often than not it creates a rift that you don't how to fill.
About 11 years back, when my parents had left me and my grandma (and the maid) to our own devices for two months, I did nothing that a teenager would do. My boyfriend was an online one, so the only thing that I would do is sit till 2 a.m. chatting away to glory. I did no sneak outs (helped my BFF to do them) and no partying per se (having my bff over and making pasta and pizza and staying up all night just the two of us does not count because my parents did know that I was doing that). However, I did do one thing stupid, I harboured a friend who decided to run away from her own house because her parents were very strict and even though my grandma showed that she knew nothing, she knew everything. The parents tracked her down to my house and police came, and the parents realised that we were just a teenage girl and grandma, they apologised for bringing reinforcements, and took their daughter away. My grandmother forbid me to meet that friend ever again in my life, and I obeyed her. Once my parents came back, she very gently broke the news to them and they just pulled me up for it. But we did not hide it from my parents. So, thus we came to learn the art of "breaking the news gently" to the parents.
But that was with the Parents.
In relationships of more intimate nature, lies/ twisting of the facts kill it. I learnt it the hard way. The husband also (this happened almost 6 years back) learnt this the hard way. But when you are married and everyday life is like a set of tasks on a to do list, the lies of convenience are often the way out. No further questions! Simple things like, "Did you do xyz thing?" .. is often responded as "Hmmm, oh I, I tried, but did not happen" whereas you wouldn't have even tried doing that task because you forgot. Forgetting is a sin in a relationship, especially if the tasks are time bound (a.k.a- bill payments/ ordering groceries!). Oh, and it does not happen initially. In a new relationship, it starts with "Oh, I forgot" and with the constant nagging and arguing that is entailed between the couple, one just never gets to know when lying for the sake of convenience takes over. It comes to the forefront when the one who has been lied to gets to know about it and doesn't know what to say or how to react. The first instinct is to fight. Then the next is to ignore. And often that is the course of action that you take. Ignore. But even though you ignore, you start second guessing each action of your partner. And then, you start feeling guilty. You start feeling like it is you, who has been behaving in a way that is an anamoly and that you do not instill enough confidence in your partner that you should be told the truth. And finally you start questioning your own credibility/ worthiness and your place in the life of your "life partner". Which leads to frustration and trust issues.
And the vicious circle continues.
You fight. You make up. And then you slip back in your old habits, till something comes up and you follow the same cycle again.
Yes, there is no black and white. And I am the last person to preach about "truth, and nothing but the truth" because truth is often a perspective to a situation. My truth maybe your lies. But we are not talking about morality here. We are talking about situations between people, in circumstances, where it can be avoided.
I am the kind of person who would bend sideways a lot for someone I care, often even take the blame.. but I am also the kind of person who expects that I am in loop, and from people who are like super close to me I don't expect twisted truths and white lies. And therefore I try that I don't twist the truth to the person from whom I expect the simple truth.
But alas, we are human, and we are flawed.
Or maybe we have become so grey or maybe the times have become so complicated!
Saving our own skin is mostly the reason when people would like to twist the facts.. and present it in an empathetic manner so that the punishment is not so severe. Like, when the marks in a math paper are poor, its often the paper that is tough and not the effort that is less. In work situations it is even worse, because unlike an exam paper, when one is working, there are so many circumstances that often play into one situation that even if you don't want, you end up twisting the facts to suit your ownself. When this is done by the boss, and all the blam is put on the juniors, the juniors feel that they are being short changed often leading to conflicts at the work place.
I am not condoning the lying and the scheming of the bosses and seniors, but we live in times of greys and not black and white. Sometimes, these twsited facts are the line between you being called a great and not getting a promotion. I would want to believe that each time any one of us decide to twist a fact in our favour we know what we are doing, and hope to God that the repercussions or karma does not come to bite back at us.
And then we twist the facts just for the sake of convenience. I know of an ex colleague of mine who would often tell the boss that "the work is done, but I have asked the Client for some information, and that has yet to come" even though she had not even started on that work. She admitted to this over lunch, and simply substantiated it by saying "You know the boss, right!". She said this to avoid any conferntational situation with the boss in front of the whole office. She claimed that she indeed has asked for some details from the Client and would only start work on the assignment once she receives it.
We do this a lot. We twist the facts, to save our asses and to avoid questions and confrontations. In work situations, it is like controlled nuclear reaction, you would often know what is the worst that can happen and you would accordingly take precautions ASAP, in order keep chaos at bay.
But in personal relatiohips, more often than not it creates a rift that you don't how to fill.
About 11 years back, when my parents had left me and my grandma (and the maid) to our own devices for two months, I did nothing that a teenager would do. My boyfriend was an online one, so the only thing that I would do is sit till 2 a.m. chatting away to glory. I did no sneak outs (helped my BFF to do them) and no partying per se (having my bff over and making pasta and pizza and staying up all night just the two of us does not count because my parents did know that I was doing that). However, I did do one thing stupid, I harboured a friend who decided to run away from her own house because her parents were very strict and even though my grandma showed that she knew nothing, she knew everything. The parents tracked her down to my house and police came, and the parents realised that we were just a teenage girl and grandma, they apologised for bringing reinforcements, and took their daughter away. My grandmother forbid me to meet that friend ever again in my life, and I obeyed her. Once my parents came back, she very gently broke the news to them and they just pulled me up for it. But we did not hide it from my parents. So, thus we came to learn the art of "breaking the news gently" to the parents.
But that was with the Parents.
In relationships of more intimate nature, lies/ twisting of the facts kill it. I learnt it the hard way. The husband also (this happened almost 6 years back) learnt this the hard way. But when you are married and everyday life is like a set of tasks on a to do list, the lies of convenience are often the way out. No further questions! Simple things like, "Did you do xyz thing?" .. is often responded as "Hmmm, oh I, I tried, but did not happen" whereas you wouldn't have even tried doing that task because you forgot. Forgetting is a sin in a relationship, especially if the tasks are time bound (a.k.a- bill payments/ ordering groceries!). Oh, and it does not happen initially. In a new relationship, it starts with "Oh, I forgot" and with the constant nagging and arguing that is entailed between the couple, one just never gets to know when lying for the sake of convenience takes over. It comes to the forefront when the one who has been lied to gets to know about it and doesn't know what to say or how to react. The first instinct is to fight. Then the next is to ignore. And often that is the course of action that you take. Ignore. But even though you ignore, you start second guessing each action of your partner. And then, you start feeling guilty. You start feeling like it is you, who has been behaving in a way that is an anamoly and that you do not instill enough confidence in your partner that you should be told the truth. And finally you start questioning your own credibility/ worthiness and your place in the life of your "life partner". Which leads to frustration and trust issues.
And the vicious circle continues.
You fight. You make up. And then you slip back in your old habits, till something comes up and you follow the same cycle again.
Yes, there is no black and white. And I am the last person to preach about "truth, and nothing but the truth" because truth is often a perspective to a situation. My truth maybe your lies. But we are not talking about morality here. We are talking about situations between people, in circumstances, where it can be avoided.
I am the kind of person who would bend sideways a lot for someone I care, often even take the blame.. but I am also the kind of person who expects that I am in loop, and from people who are like super close to me I don't expect twisted truths and white lies. And therefore I try that I don't twist the truth to the person from whom I expect the simple truth.
But alas, we are human, and we are flawed.
Or maybe we have become so grey or maybe the times have become so complicated!
1 comment:
this one hit so close to home!! completely agree
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