What is..... Marriage?

It is 1.30 am at night. Husband is soundly snoring away by my side, while his left arm is protectively around my waist.
There is a glass of wine on the bedside table, and despite a long long day in the heat, I am wide awake. Yes, the wine was supposed to put me of to sleep.


I have been thinking a lot lately. About life, and what has changed
While the hubby still maintains that the 'I am married' has still not sunk in, I try to tell him off.
Tell him that things have changed and that he better get used to being ' married '

Which brings me to one of the things that I have been thinking about... About being married.. About what is it to be married.
It is definitely more than having the freedom to have sex.. Though the sociology books say otherwise.. And it definitely has a lot to put a smile on the face of the one you love.  About the things that affect you... Like the snoring bit.. I wonder if the nose strips will work the husband.
I often tell him, that the thing that I look forward to at the end of a hard days work is, his arms around me.. And honestly, the night I don't have his snores or his arms around me in my new house.. Sleep is difficult to come.

Marriage is also about compromises and eating your pride.. Your ego and being a bigger person, except that you being a bigger person would neither be appreciated nor recogonized .. It like one of those unseen, unconditional things that you want to do.

Marriage is also about changing your focus and about changing the perspectives that you have. The decisions are not just for you as an individual but affects the 'us' in the whole relationship dynamics.
Yes, every little thing counts. Including the excess baggage from your mother's house.

Marriage is also about the arguments. On issues that may or may not have anything do with you.. As an individual.

Marriage is about a lot of things. But mostly it is about the change that it brings to you.. The love that you thought was there, just increases. Out of where, it is unknown.
It is about, crying and laughing in the arms of the one you love.
It is about scratching your head over the grocery to be bought and the head massage with the hit oil.

It is not a holiday.. Not a phase of your life.. But it is about your whole life. A commitment going beyond the words of the prohit at the Mandap or the marriage registration certificate.
I have seen matches made in heaven go down the drain in the court.. The love lost somewhere in the battle of the alimony and the respect, well, none of that either.

I really don't have a conclusion to this post.. Maybe because it is the wine speaking more than me..
What I do know is., that marriage is about holding the hand of a complete stranger (believe me when I say, that even in a love marriage, the husband you discover is a lil different than your lover) and telling each other.. That the odds are stacked against us, but, now that we have each other to hold on.. Whatever be the odds.. Lets cross them together, lets just build our life piece by piece.. And enjoy the journey while reaching a destination.

March Update

Oh God, I feel like such a traitor.. I have not written a single post after announcing that I am not closing shop as yet.. Duhu!
But I have been on a roller coaster... here is an update on life.. in no particular order..

• I am alive. Yes. 
• BFF is engaged.. and hers was a process for about 3 odd months.. and then boom she tells me that finally all is settled. The wedding happens in December, and that means the entire year.. it is all about shaadi again. 
• BFF's engagement meant that I got a chance to go back home, to my mom's house. Somehow, Delhi is still more of home. 
• I met my friends after a long long time.. and had conversations. Talked about everything, nothing, about the gossip in office, to the married life, to home ad husbands and boyfriends.. 
• Had loads of GOOD food.. exclusive lunch with Dad.
• Got all dressed for the engagement.. looked really nice (My mom really liked how I looked and that is a HUGE certificate).
• Danced till the wee hours.. felt a little left out in the whole melee .. Husband was not there you see.. 
• Slept on my own bed. Slept till late. 
• Gave no care about "nashte mein kya banega"..
• Spent some quality time with my mom.. talked to her, like I have never talked. Realised that the bond and love changes after shaadi.. 
• Came back to Mumbai after 5 days.. and already want to go back.. 
• Office is crazy. 
• It is making me go crazy too! 
• Husband missed me, and showed it too :D 

Hopefully.. the post made some sense.. if it did not.. you can understand the after effects of a trip back home!!

Sorry - Not Closing Shop as yet..

And no, the last post was not a publicity stunt. (As a matter of fact, the "publicity", was the reason that I was thinking and rethinking about opening my thoughts here.. on a "Public Forum").

Am I scared..
Well, it is just that, the kind of emotions and thoughts that I portray here are absolutely raw.. (at times, I don't even spell check or grammar check the posts .. make that most of the time). I do not intent to hurt anyone but, there is always the sword of "what if.." hanging on the head.
But, I am not scared of people judging me by what I write.
People have misjudged me even when I am in front of them, and I am no one to influence anyone what they think of me. I am me. And, blogging is a way to preserve myself from being eroded.

I started blogging...
because at that time I was trying to impress my bf (then, hubby now), and eventually, I guess, I did take over him. I did guest blogs for him too at one point of time, and even though he is an author here, he prefers to put a guest post here and there...
And because he saw my enthusiasm towards blogging, he finally gifted me this url. Probably one of the most thoughtful things that anyone has ever done. Can't just abruptly abandon my gift.. can I? especially since I am the kind who preserves even the dinner bill stubs and wine corks if its a special occasion.

Like I have already stated, that there is no intent to offend anyone, and if someone feels bad or hurt, well, then sorry I guess! 

Last Post

And I am closing my blog!
I can't be politically correct all the time.
I'll read.
I'll comment.
What I will miss is the fact that I am also closing an avenue for making new friends.

I have found some lovely friends, friends for life.. I just can't deal with the concept of closed blogs, because honestly I myself don't like them myself. No offence to the ones that are invite only. Just my thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe I take up task and get the courage to anonymously start a new blog.. Till then adios. 

And I found my song

Keeping up with the tradition of Valentine's Day, I finally found the song to dedicate to my hubby. This one sums up the substance of my feelings for him.
It has been 8 years of togetherness, and, last night was amongst one of those nights where all we were doing were discussing cartoons and mythology that we were bought up on :)

It is in these moments that it is reinstated - about faith, belief and love. Amen, and fingers crossed!

Here is the song:

I Love you.. Jaaneman..;) 

Dependent

I have slowly come to realise that I am becoming dependent.
On people.
On thoughts, that refuse to shut up.
And most importantly on things that I should not be dependent upon at all.

I have started craving for moments and days when I start feeling like my own self.
I miss having my friends and family around.
I miss having the conversations with the bf. Now that he has graduated to become the hubby, things have changed. While the most comforting thing in the world are his arms around me, the conversations have ceased. The only time that I have had a "conversation" with him was, when I was drunk, and I don't even remember what I said.

I feel left out.
Left out of the lives of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Including the hubby. He looks stressed, upset and angry so much, that I actually fear approaching him with more of my shit. Considering that most of the time I am the reason of his bad moods.

I am lonely.
I have no one to talk to. Only a lot of superficial people, who are more excited about the next travel plans, the food plans or just any other plans.

I hate it.
The fact that I have no time for life. And that I despite almost 3 months, I am still coping up with the daily travels, and choking back tears every time I step out of home to go to office only realising that, I have to ENDURE another day at office after hours of work that I don't even like. Eat food that I don't like. Starting over and getting reprimanded for things that I never did get reprimanded for EVER under my previous partner.
Struggling to get the mind, heart and soul in one line and hoping that I do not have a breakdown.

 And because I am struggling to be happy myself, I can't seem to keep the hubby happy either.
This vicious circle, just won't end.
Or would it?
Or Would I become dependent on my sorrows and pain all over again to feed my insecurities? 

Happy Valentine's Day!

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same – only love." 

— Don Juan DeMarco (Johnny Depp)

That pretty much sums it all up for me.

I have no song to dedicate to the Hubby this year.. 

It is our 8th Love Anniversary, and the 1st Valentine's Day after marriage. 

Was this supposed to be a special day?

I thought so. 

And despite everything, I did manage to buy him a card. 

I did not even get an e-card from him. 

To be honest, this doesn't even feel like the Valentine's Day.

I hope you all had a fun & love filled Valentines' Day!! 

Here is to Love!