C is for Choices, Conflicts, Changes, Consequences & Confusions

C (See) how they relate to each other.
Each of our choices, more often than not is a result of a conflict, or it conflicts something else, results in some change and then we deal with the consequences often confused, or not.

This is the cycle that I have been following for I don't even know how long.
I remember, when I had passed my class 10th examinations, a big decision was pending, whether to change my school or stay where I had been studying for the last 11 years.
My mother proposed.
It conflicted with what my heart really desired. I chose. Changed my school. Which resulted in being in a better school, but nonetheless left more confused about life than ever.
I was in a new environment, where, I bonded with hardly anybody, because, there the people were neither open to new people in their "groups", neither were they my kinds in any case.
So thanks to that, I ended up wasting a year doing engineering, where my true love was law. I did end up doing law, but instead of doing it from a top grade college, I did it in a third rate place.
But, I made the most of it.
I found my husband thanks to the chain of choices that I ended up making.

Life is not fair. But that does not in any way warrant that, I don't make a choice. But, most of the times the choices made by us are in a form of compromises rather than the ones made from our heart, the ones which help us to pursue our dreams. But, here is the hope that the universe will help in changing the stars and help me put myself back on the track of my dreams.

B is for Being Busy

When I was in class 9th , which was like 13 years ago, I came across this poem in the editorial column in the news paper. It was about the ironies of life, and the last line summed it all up for me.
It said,
"We are adding years to our life, but not life to our years".
Imagine the impact, that 13 years later, I still think about it and shudder. Because, as a teenager, I could never really fathom what this means.
My grandfather made sure that each year for the vacations we travel. The birthdays were special. My parents were usually home in the evenings. Life was good.
Till, I joined the workforce, 4 years back, and realised the true meaning of the quote, where like an idiot, we are working 12 odd hours a day to earn money and to scrap by. Where you have to think twice, before spending the money that you have earned after working sooo hard by not spending any time with your family. Now, that I am married, I get really agitated, when the husband is always busy and has no time.

We don't talk as much as I would like to.
The adventure is gone, when you are always busy being busy, so that you can enjoy your savings when the prime of your life is gone.

My office is worse. Their, they feel proud for not taking their annual leaves. I wonder, how can they stay and constantly stay busy with only work, without giving two hoots about their families.

Times were simpler, when we were younger. Today in the age of connectivity, doing nothing seems like a curse, and the new mantra is always "Being Busy".

I of course wish, I could lie down on a beach without giving two hoots about the job, about the money, just love, and happiness.
But- Reality always strikes back. 

A is for Anonymity

This blog was started as an effort to impress a techy, geeky guy, who was my boyfriend (now he is the husband) and because I thought that I would not really have the followers, and that this would be just another blog in the huge cyberspace, I never thought about being anonymous. 

I wore my heart on my sleeve and in no time, I had followers, and most importantly friends. Friends from the virtual world that became an inseparable parts of my life outside the virtual reality. I was happy. I was unabashed about what I felt and mostly I tread the neutral grounds. Opinionated yes, but not really crossing that line. 

And, then, as time passed, and as my addiction grew to write to share and to express, I realised that I wanted to take a stand. Wanted to say things that hurt others, ultimately made me feel good. After all this is my blog, and this is my space. 

But, alas, I could never really bring myself to let it all out. 

And, it is in these moments that I always feel, to mask my identity behind the mask of anonymity, where, my reality is excluded from the heartfelt emotions of my own space. HERE. 

Don't you wish, to wear a mask, to say it all, lay it all bear, and still be able to hope that you are not judged by the vulnerability of your heart and emotions? 

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This post is a part of the A to Z Challenge that I have taken up. You may also want check it out. Even though the upcoming posts are going to be a part of a challenge, they shall seldom be fiction. Mostly my thoughts. Bunged together.  

Surprised!

So, I went home after 3 whole months.  For exactly 3 days.

As usual, right now, I am cranky. I want to go back.

This was a quick trip. A surprise that I had planned all by myself, making this into a work- pleasure trip. And the joy on the faces of my father, my grandmother, my mother, BFF, Bua and Uncle D was priceless. The entire effort was worth all of it.

When I rand the bell, Friday night, and my Dad opened the door, it was pure joy on his face, and my mom was over the moon. My grandmother could not understand the commotion till I ran to her room and stood in front of her and she was like “OH MY GOD”.

I stood behind BFF’s bedroom door, when she came to her house the next day and continously kept on hitting me to make sure that I am in Delhi.

Bua, reacted like she has just won the miss universe contest, and my weekend was made. I wish I could come down every other weekend to be with them. To help my mom do the clothes that only she can discuss with me. Be there for the BFF.. for my sister, when she is going through her usual crisis mode.

But, alas, it is a pleasure which is reserved now, for the time being. BFF is really hopeful, so is my mum, and actually, EVERYBODY is really hopeful, including me that I would be able come back to Delhi, for good. I really want to. But it seems that fate has something else in store for us. I really don’t know, how to tempt fate, because, the moment I do, I know I would end up paying a huge price for it.

It has been almost 1.5 years since we have been married, but I still ache every time I go to Delhi and every time I have to come back. It is the same battle that I fight when I have to leave the husband and Sugar behind.

Such a catch 22 situation I am in currently, that it is not even funny.

I went to the Delhi High Court today.. And it seemed like home. It has always been home. I felt the itch to sit in the chair that I did, when I conducted my meeting today. I don’t know, what I felt at that p[articular time, embarrassed maybe when a very senior advocate told my father that he should be proud to have a daughter like me.

My mom and I are so alike in so many ways that it is not even funny.. She gets super irritated every time I am leaving for Mumbai. I have seen the pattern. For the kind of childhood that I have had with her, the troubled relationship that I have had with my mother, I never really thought that I would miss her so much. Marriage does weird things to your relationships.

That is a fact.

Oh, GOD, what I would not do to be there for them, as often as they liked. I know, the husband is very sceptical about how his mother in law will interfere in our lives. Of course, both his in laws influence a lot of my decisions, but then, there is a good reason for that influence. If only he understood.

But, yes, even though I too am sceptical about my mother’s interference, but I do know that the good sense of my dad will always prevail over my mother’s calls. So I think it will work out.

In the three days that I was in Delhi, I did not make any social calls. Kashvi will know what I mean. I just wanted to be under the radar for all practical purposes. I remember a post that she had written a couple years back during one of her trips back home, where all she wanted to do was to just be at home. At that point in time, after I read what she had written I called her up check if all was okay. She tried to explain, I tried to understand, but all went in vain. Today, I think I see that post and all her emotions in a different light.

Of course I know of a lot of people (including my husband, who, loves the idea of a home away from home, minus the emotions that I feel) but well, I feel differently.

Yes, I am too emotionally attached to my roots, to my house, to my life that I have always lived. Despite the restrictions, despite the grudges, I think I miss being unmarried and bickering about life in general. I miss being, ME.

I won’t say that I am leading a bad life. Actually, the husband takes really good care of me. I don’t even call up my parents as often. But, well.. Delhi is Home. It will always be home. It is where memories are. It what has made me.

No, wonder the song “Kabira” (from Yeh Jawani hai Deewani) makes me homesick. Always.

I am in flight, while I type this, and I have shed tears, at least twice. And, I am tearing up again. Eons ago, when I used to go stay with taiji for a month or two at a go, or for that matter when I did my internships in Mumbai, I used to tear up, when I had to come back home.. I used to be so proud of myself at not being homesick.

I guess, I never knew this stage.

Life has its ways.

Any ways, this was pure rant. Pure remembrance captured in a post.. or so I tried.

I hope you all had a fun month of March , doing your taxes.. Now starts the month of politics, and hopefully I will be able to put in my thoughts about the general elections soon enough.

Ciao till then.

Reflections

These are two lines out of this article that is doing rounds on the social media. The article is being touted as being written by Brad Pitt. Whether that is true or not, I don't know, but yeah, what the article says in totality is amazing.
The following lines, sum it all up..

"The woman is the reflection of her man, and the man of her woman. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it; as will you. "

So be it.

So much in the totality of things that I really really really do not know, where to go now.

I am in a state of limbo.

I have been asked not be upset because something that I have looking forward to for a long time is not happening any more.
The reply is "I too am upset about it".

I don't care if you are upset. It is your own fault that you have reached here. I kept telling you to keep check, but you did not.
Now you put me in a catch 22 situation, where, you want me not to react to me being upset.
You want me never to react, when you give your dumb gadgets or the dog more love than what I get. You want me not to react when the travel plans unravel, and I know that in the future, near or far, we wont be to go on a holiday. Either the leaves wont be there or money wont be there.

But you will not realise that despite everything, me being upset, me being angry, me feeling unloved, I made sure that despite the restrictions you have fun. If you could not go to the fun and friends, then I got them to you. Or at least made sure that they are there.

Still you want me to bottle up.
Then so be it.

Silence

Have you ever felt,
The unease of silence,

Of clouding gloom,
Of being lost,
In the winding corridors of,
Life?

When all you remember,
On closing your eyes,
Is the tinkering laughter of,
The life gone by?

The hopelessness gathering steam,
The hope losing the steam,
And you walking down on the street,
With your own voice bouncing from the walls..
Silence echoing silence..

In a hope that soon,
Hope shall echo hope,
Sunlight shall filter through the cracks on the wall,
And,
The tinkering laughter shall be once again a part of your life.

Right now, it is the game of patience,
Of testing times.
Hold on, even if it is to silence,
Sometimes the stifling silence,
Makes you hear your own heart,
Your own voice,
Gives you the courage,
As you move forth,
In the game of life.